want my ex back.....unexpectedly

LegacyUser

Ok, so basically, we fell in love, I was 23, he was 21, it was very fast and very strong - we were eachothers everything, it went bad after about 2 years and 6 months later it died. I really didn't want us to break up but he was mid-twenties, his mates were all playing the field - I was looking for serious commitment. He always said right people, wrong timing. The break-up nearly killed me tbh....i found it hard to shake him off - he didn't want me as a gf, just a friend - but i was getting drunken phonecalls at all hours, late night visits for you know what....etc. It got slightly bitter and eventually he listenend to my plea to let me move on and we went about 6 months before he was back saying i was his everything bla bla bla....but he just wanted me as a friend.

So, we sort of grew apart after that, we both dated other people, but we would still have the odd drunken liason, i figured i was over him till recently...we re-added eachother on facebook and have been chatting every day, texting, emailing....I feel if the relationship is to reignite it has to come from him but I feel so much like we are both much more grown up now....How do I get an outcome to this before i drive myself insane!

I can't tell him I like him, I just can't - it needs to come from him? Or am I ebing an idiot?

tenchi-fan

It's possible he's completely over you. It's possible he isn't and he wants to get back with you.

You could ask him for a coffee and try to gauge whether he still likes you. Over coffee you could even stretch to a direct question like "do you ever regret breaking up" without looking desperate.

I don't think there's any problem making the first move. Just be aware that it might not have a fairytale ending.

Moomoo1

it was a mistake to continue being his friend and sleep with him if you wanted him back. It meant he never got a chance to miss you properly. You should have just said 'come back when you want a serious relationship' and told him to get lost.

I'd just tell him straight: 'I haven't got over you and all this is too hard to take and so either we get back together or I don't want you in my life'. You have something that he wants (friendship) so it would still be a strong move to say that. Or at least the strongest in your current situation.

Wibbs

tenchi-fan wrote: »

It's possible he's completely over you. It's possible he isn't and he wants to get back with you.

You could ask him for a coffee and try to gauge whether he still likes you. Over coffee you could even stretch to a direct question like "do you ever regret breaking up" without looking desperate.

I don't think there's any problem making the first move. Just be aware that it might not have a fairytale ending.

Good advice that. I think you're going to have to bite the bullet on this one and make that first small move.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

it was a mistake to continue being his friend and sleep with him if you wanted him back. It meant he never got a chance to miss you properly. You should have just said 'come back when you want a serious relationship' and told him to get lost.

I would generally agree with that alright, especially with the continuing to sleep with each other thing. Why lock oneself down to a relationship, when you get the nice bits of same, without the work and commitment? IME there can be a slight gender diff here. I think the refusing to be "friends" when requested and calmly and pleasantly walking away seems to work more on women exes. Keeping in some contact but with sex off the table seems to work more on men. I would be of the opinion and have observed such that when a relationship splits and one says they want to be friends, women mean they want to keep the emotional connection and men more the sexual. Both do drunken "booty calls" but with slight diffs. Male translation: "can I come over and after a bit of a chat we'll do the wild thing" Female translation: "can I come over so we can have a chat and I can tell you about how I hate my job, my flatmates" and for the insensitive ones "my new boyfriend" Obviously that's in general, but in missconfused2010's case I think the sex has to be off the table. Like I say, why commit when he doesn't need to?

I'd just tell him straight: 'I haven't got over you and all this is too hard to take and so either we get back together or I don't want you in my life'. You have something that he wants (friendship) so it would still be a strong move to say that. Or at least the strongest in your current situation.

I dunno. Maybe that would work. I'd reckon though that because they split the last time over the commitment aspect I'd not lead with that. If he is thinking similar to missconfused2010, I think an ultimatum might tip the balance the wrong way. It will likely remind him of the first split, which again IMHO would be the wrong way to go about it. I would meet him and what I would do is imagine you've not gone out before. Keep it light and flirty but no nookie. Let him make the effort to woo you like he did the first time around. Now I do agree with Moomoo1 that you have to know whether it's the "right time" this time around, before you waste more of your life, but I'd wait and see if he's interested in being boyfriend and girlfriend first.