Attachment parenting .....I'm not convinced..

Fittle

I will hold my hands up and say perhaps I'm a cynic, before I say anything else.

A friend of mind has recently had her first child, and told me recently that she is 'attachment parenting'. I thought it was just a phrase she was using herself, but it seems it's a whole 'movement' that I had no clue about (my child is now 8).

I've looked it up and found this on wikpedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_parenting. (I don't know how to put the full text up, sorry).

Now in my day (I sound like my mother here sorry:)), 8yrs ago, I had a sling that I carried my little fella in until he was about 3 months old - this was very handy when rambling to the shops, or trying to do something in the house, whilst still holding him. Nowadays, this is called 'babywearing':rolleyes:.

My lad slept in my bed until he was 6. Nowadays this is called 'co-sleeping':rolleyes:

I bottle fed my son. And apparently, this is what I should have been doing while bottlefeeding him....
'Bottle Nursing

Feeding is one of the primary ways a mother can initiate a secure attachment relationship with her baby.
Familiarize yourself with breastfeeding behaviors, and model them when bottle feeding:
Hold the baby when bottle feeding, positioning the bottle alongside the breast
Maintain eye contact, talk softly and lovingly
Switch positions from one side to another
Feed on cue and avoid schedules
Consider reserving feeding for the mother only
Pacifiers satisfy a baby's sucking need. Hold the baby or child in the feeding position when he uses the pacifier
Associate the bottle and pacifier with being held and having undivided attention, so that it doesn't become a transitional object
Wean from the bottle as one would wean from the breast'

My friend swears by all the 'rules' of attachment parenting and says she is a better mother because of it.

So am I the worlds worst and most cynical mother, or is this JUST PARENTING??????????

And apologies again if I sound cynical, and if the rest of you already know all of this, but it's quite new to me and I'd be interested to hear others opinions.

Nevyn

That was my reaction when I first read about attachement parenting, that someone had come up with a name to sell books.

metrovelvet

I didnt practise it but my son managed to practise it on me anyway!:p

He looooves his mommy.

Fittle

Phew! So I'm not alone!

I thought I was a real old-fogey the way my friend was going on about it! She has her sling, but told me she was 'baby-wearing'.

What a load of old cobblers! More names of stuff we've all been doing for generations to sell books (you're right Thaed!).

Khannie

Fittle wrote: »

'baby-wearing'

HAHAHAHAHAHA. I lol'd.

metrovelvet

Isnt attachment parenting when you have the baby allday on you or contact with you and also co sleep. I used a sling, but I also used a playmat, a bouncy seat, a playpen. Attachment parenting is when you are in constant bodily contact.

Fittle

I kid you not khannie - it's a 'movement', and there's even a website and sections on parenting websites, dedicated to 'baby-wearing'. I called it 'carrying':D

And you're right metro - according to my pal, attachment parenting is being attached to your baby (physical contact) as much as is virtually possible.

Das Kitty

Well the term comes from the 70s AFAIK, so it's not a new term, just new to this side of the world.

It genuinely was a revolutionary method when it was first out there after the "father knows best" style of parenting that was there before. All the other terms, like baby-wearing and co-sleeping come from this time as well, it's not some new fangled thing!

I do however think some people take the idea even more seriously and strictly than the Dr. Sears himself (who coined the phrase). He's an advocate of what works best for each family.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_parenting

Fittle

My friend would definitely be one of the ones who takes it more seriously.

axel rose

OK, I'm the least politically correct person I know but you are putting a spin on attachment parenting that is making it look like a load of cobblers.

I admit that I (used ) to work with kids in care and many of them suffer from attachment disorders due to their parents parenting styles. Not every child grows up in a supportive and loving environment. These children grow up very troubled, naturally experts needed to understand what was happening and so founded an attachment theory. From that theory they found how a child grows up to become a happy and healthy adult. Did you know that a child that grows in an unloving and stressful environment is physically smaller?

When my husband died my son regressed and clung to me like glue. It was so bad that I literally had to carry him to the toilet with me. This is what he needed so I practiced what you term to be attachment parenting. Emotionally he reached out and clung on,and was what I gave him. It was pretty literal attachment for about 6 weeks, then he began to expand his area of exploration until I could leave the room.

And yes, you are practicing attachment parenting . I reckon you are doing a good job too! You might find this interesting http://helpguide.org/mental/parenting_bonding_reactive_attachment_disorder.htm

Fittle

Ok my apologies - I'm not saying that 'attachment parenting' in itself is a load of cobblers.

I'm saying actually giving it a name, and calling carrying your baby in a sling 'baby wearing' is...well, I don't know what it is, but we all 'attachment parent' as far as I can tell. I just didn't realise it had a name:)

metrovelvet

Fittle wrote: »

Ok my apologies - I'm not saying that 'attachment parenting' in itself is a load of cobblers.

I'm saying actually giving it a name, and calling carrying your baby in a sling 'baby wearing' is...well, I don't know what it is, but we all 'attachment parent' as far as I can tell. I just didn't realise it had a name:)

No. Not everyone practises it. It has a strategy and a methodology. Some parents keep their kids in carseats. Some use the buggy. Some use cots. Some mix it up. Attachment parenting is using the sling all the time, every minute of the day.

littlebug

I remember reading about attachment parenting and babywearing when I was expecting my first 9 years ago so the terms have been around a while.
I agree that it's probably what a lot of parents do anyway without putting a name on it. A lot of how I "parented" my first was attachment style because that's what worked best with her. I hadn't really planned it that way. Similarly someone who plans to be an attachment parent might find that their baby prefers their own space etc.
I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for people to be able to read about different parenting styles and know that there are different ways of doing things. Fittle I've seen a 2 week old baby lying on a sofa with a bottle in his mouth propped up with a cushion so clearly some of what might be natural to some of us re holding the baby when feeding etc isn't obvious or important to everyone.

Fittle

Ok, but alot of the 'attachment' stuff is just what we do naturally - particularly in the early years. You can't plan your 'parenting style' whilst pregnant - you have to adapt to whatever suits the child when it comes along.

I just think that for those who don't 'attachment parent' these days, they are somehow made to feel less of a parent than those who do - in my friends case, she has begun to frown upon those who don't 'attachment parent'. We've another friend who's child prefers the car seat (in a rocking motion) to doze off...this childs mum has told me that whilst in the group of those with slings, they lectured her on how her child was being 'abandoned' by not having skin to skin contact with her, and how as a teenager, he might rebel:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

I'm sure not all parents would lecture in such a way, but like I said above, this particular friend has gone ott with the whole thing.

axel rose

Fittle, your friend sounds like a smug know-it-all pain in the ass! No 'real' parent has all the secrets and those that claim they do are liars! At the end of the day, the majority of us try and do our best.


Hey, 6 years in college, 15 years working in childcare and even I have been known to screw up (Moi! Who would have thunk it? :P)

Fittle

Who would, indeed:D. You are right that she has become 'smug' - hilarious really, as she was always the one who didn't like kids, was never having them and couldn't see what the rest of us saw in being 'mammies':rolleyes:

I've said already, that she's extreme - but the group my other pal was around were 10 women, all of whom had slings (babywearing..:rolleyes:) and were 'cosleeping':rolleyes: (putting them in the bed beside you....

Sorry, I'm sure there are parents who take this really seriously and think I'm being factitious, but I really don't get the difference between just 'being a parent', and attachment parenting.

planetX

I've just found out that's what i was doing too. Kinda good to give it a name though, I was made to feel bad for not following controlled crying and strict routines. Always stayed quiet on the co-sleeping too;)

Sardonicat

It sounds as though your friend can't handle the fact that being a mummy/daddy comes naturally to a lot of parents and needs a theory to justify whats coming naturally as her "choice" of parenting style.

Babywearing! I'm not even a parent, but my first response when responsible for a young baby is to keep it close and snug if it is in distress!It's called nuturing, and most well adjusted adults will do it automatically.

axel rose

Well fittle, in the past 10 minutes I had to clean poo from between my sons toes-a few of those evenings will rid the smug right out of your friend!

Its easy to know it all when all they do is eat sleep and poop! (Let me guess-She plans on feeding her child a wholly natural, organic and locally sourced diet until the baby is well into the teens :pac:)

Fittle

.....AND he will have all the 'Your baby can read' dvd's (on the tv ads) by the time he's 2, AND he will be home-schooled, AND he will never own a ps3/wii/xbox OR mobile phone until he's at least 24:D

Still trying to figure how he got poo between his toes lol - but reminds me of the evening I decided to jump into the bath with my (then) 8 month old and he decided to poo in the bath:D. Ever tried hauling yourself out of a bath with the 8mth old in your arms, all the while avoiding the floater....:D:D

axel rose

LOL

Somehow I can't see Victoria Beckham or Catherine Zita Jones dealing with any of this stuff!


(You dont want to know what the bedroom held for me fittle-honestly)

littlebug

Fittle wrote: »

I just think that for those who don't 'attachment parent' these days, they are somehow made to feel less of a parent than those who do - in my friends case, she has begun to frown upon those who don't 'attachment parent'.

axel rose wrote: »

(Let me guess-She plans on feeding her child a wholly natural, organic and locally sourced diet until the baby is well into the teens :pac:)

Fittle wrote: »

.....AND he will have all the 'Your baby can read' dvd's (on the tv ads) by the time he's 2, AND he will be home-schooled, AND he will never own a ps3/wii/xbox OR mobile phone until he's at least 24:D

Ahem..... IMO there's nothing wrong with any of the parenting choices in the two quotes above and I don't think that anyone who makes those choices should be made to feel less of a parent than those who don't (on this forum).

axel rose

Ah Littlebug, Neither fittle or I was getting at any style of parenting just that some parents (usually mothers) are so competitive and judgemental on what are choices that other parents make.



The examples that we outlined are in my opinion something that only a very patient and organised woman could do. (sooooo not me). The attitude of someone who can do this and looks down on any parent who doesnt is just sad and smug.

littlebug

Yeah I know Axel Rose, but no matter what choices you make there are always going to be smug people who tell you you're doing it wrong. By the same token there are also some very nice non-smug parents who are attachment parenting whether by accident or by design but to automatically criticise their choices will put them off getting involved in the discussion.

axel rose

In fairness littlebug I thought it was clear it was the smugness and the judgypants bit I was getting at-I didn't mean to offend you .

littlebug

Oh and by the way most of my grand plans fell by the wayside the minute the first was born but they still aint getting a ps3/wii/xbox OR mobile phone until they're at least 24

axel rose

Mine will be getting his first Big Mac Meal when he is old enough to walk to the place, ask for it and earn the money to pay for it himself!!

littlebug

axel rose wrote: »

In fairness littlebug I thought it was clear it was the smugness and the judgypants bit I was getting at-I didn't mean to offend you .

ah no you haven't offended me axel. I'm firmly in the "do whatever the hell works" camp but one of my best friends now with her 4th baby would have a fairly extreme attachment type family life. She's one of the quietest most unassuming people I know but she's had to take more crAp from people (from her own family to complete strangers) about the way they do things than I have ever had from anyone about bottle feeding or...well anything really. She would be the last person to judge anyone else. I suppose I'm thinking of it from her point of view....

axel rose

I doubt that is a parent out there who hasn't had some type 'advice' thrusted upon them.

I would have loved to have written down the plans I had for my son BEFORE he was born and compare them to the pootastic reality of today .

Fittle

I wasn't criticising anyones choice of parenting style....I was more critcising the 'industry' that has created these names to encourage parents to buy certain products, and be seen to be a better parent than those who don't buy the same product.

And you won't get anyone who 'attachment parents' discussing this issue here, because they're all on the baby-wearing websites....while the rest of us just discuss Parenting;)

Again sorry, I don't mean to sound like I'm slating anyone here - ultimately, we all parent the best we can, but chatting to my pal late last nite and listening to her 'schedule' for today irked me again - she's 'babywearing' for the first four hours today, then there's baby massage for an hour and a half, (tho it's not called baby massage, just can't remember the new name for it, tho I did that myself too) then there's an hour of 'swaddling' and then there's whatever else.....no chance she'll be on the chardonnay tonite so;)

Though she's probably extreme....sorry:)

metrovelvet

I dont see a problem with creating languages to reflect parenting styles. So what?

I also dont care how other people raise their kids. I might question it but ultimately its their child and they know their kids better than I do and thats that.

Fittle

Look, I don't care how other people raise their kids either - it was just an issue I was putting out there, to see what others thought. Sorry I spoke now:rolleyes:

silja

I "babywear". It's a quick way of explaining "yeah I carry my baby but not in my arms, in a sling because it is comfortable and easier than carrying in my arms or using a buggy".

Fittle

You could also say 'I carry my baby':)

Wantobe

I practiced attachment parenting with my first child. Mind you, it was completely by accident. :P It would have been nice to put her down from time to time, get her to sleep in her own bed or somewhere that wasn't in my arms. But she outwitted us.:D

Cat Melodeon

I'm one of those who does a lot of what is called attachment parenting, simply because that's what works for us. I also do the whole home-cooked organic thing - unemployment has it's benefits, I guess. I'm not a smug type, I do well to get my hair brushed by 3pm and can't wait for In the Night Garden to come on because I can have a cup of coffee without being assaulted. I don't use all the terminology though - I think I'd cut my own tongue out rather than actually say out loud "yes, I attachment parent" or "I babywear".

implausible

Cat Melodeon wrote: »

I'm one of those who does a lot of what is called attachment parenting, simply because that's what works for us.
<snip>
I don't use all the terminology though - I think I'd cut my own tongue out rather than actually say out loud "yes, I attachment parent" or "I babywear".

I think that's the point the OP was making, about people who loudly proclaim their parenting style.....instead of just getting on with it!

I have a friend who can't talk about her children without referring to the book she's following to rear them. The other night she expressed amazement that I was going to 'let' my hubbie mind the wee buck sometimes when I go back to work! (not really relevant, but had to share)

Fittle

My pal is going to a 'babwearing workshop' this weekend....:eek::eek::eek:

I've heard it all now!

we'llallhavetea_old

i didn't read any books or go to any classes before i had my daughter, just got on with it really. i don't see the point in piling on "rules" to an already hectic job. common sense really does the trick.

i will however be needing serious studying for the teenage years, you can't go into that blind :P

annetted

i think if you give your child lots of love and attention - you can call it anything you like!

Nevyn

Please note that if anyone uses the anon posting function to break the site rules esp those about personal abuse we can compare that post against thier boards accounts and people have been banned for abusing the anon posting function.

CJhaughey

Anyone see the program called *Honey I suckled the Kids* last night?
It was on one of those sky channels and will probably be on again.
two families one in the UK and one in the US practicing attachment parenting.
Interesting watching the 5 yr old being breastfed in tandem with the baby.

TheQ47

CJhaughey wrote: »

Anyone see the program called *Honey I suckled the Kids* last night?
It was on one of those sky channels and will probably be on again.
two families one in the UK and one in the US practicing attachment parenting.
Interesting watching the 5 yr old being breastfed in tandem with the baby.

I saw that! :eek: A bit OTT if you ask me, especially the woman who didn't even use nappies.

At all.

Instead she just let her child pee whenever/wherever he wanted, including over the balcony of her home, Etc.

As with all similar TV programs I imagine this one only shows the extremes, i.e., most attachment parents are not like the people protrayed.

Fair play to those who (can) do this, it's not for me though.

littlebitdull

I was watching that program too. I was on board with everything except that Elimation Control - no nappy wearing bit. ... I came across that about 9 years ago when looking for information about potty training my daughter and thought it was mad. You would have to have eyes like a hawk to catch the child before the poo:eek:

Even in the program there were a number of occasions when she had to cleen up pee, and even worse the time the baby pooed on the floor:( - no thanks not for me!

What puzzled me the most was why they took the kid out into the garden/over the balcony/into the ditch all the time? Why would you teach your child to pee and poo wherever it was ? Why when they were at home did they not always use the bathroom?

The english couple with the 5yr old still breastfeeding were a good example of it working well for them. They were still co-sleeping with the youngest - but clearly the older two had moved into their own rooms and beds in their own time. So it was clearly something that was a short lived thing - and sure whats the harm of giving your child that extra security for their formative years?

I had (unknowingly) been an attachment parent with my eldest lad, I carried him everywhere, he did not like a buggy... so it was easier. He sat on my knee always .. and was like a limpet, I just got used to having him with me constantly.

He is now 19 and we barely see him !!l:D .... so it not forever!

miss_shadow

In my opinion some people like to be in a box or in a certain category, some may feel like they are not confident enough to use their own parenting style so they read the book and that's the way it's going to go with them because it makes them feel safe. I suppose it's better than going into parenting without a clue what's in store like I did with my first!eek. But this style seems a little extreme for me! I'd encourage the little one to venture instead of being attached 24/7.