should i tell him

LegacyUser

i've been seeing the most wonderful man for 2 years now. Lately we have been talking about marriage & kids just general stuff, hopes for our future together that kind of thing.

My problem... Well i was molested for a period of time when i was a young teenager. Now i believe i've dealt with it very well, i have no "issues" (for lack of a better word ) or anything like that.This happened years ago long before i met this wonderful guy that i hope to marry someday and the way i see it nothing i say or do is going to change what happened back then, it's done, i've moved on. Except lately i find myself wondering if it's something i should tell my bf.

We are very open/honest with each other, we tell each other everything, he knows all there is to know about me, except this one thing. I know it would upset him, worry him, if he knew and i really don't want that. If i don't tell him tho i feel like i'm holding something back from him.

I'm really not sure what to do. Anyone have any thoughts?

Zeouterlimits

Thinking of spending your life with him? If it's still part of your life, something that is a part of what made you who you are as you grew up, tell him, don't hide it.

Miss Fluff

I'm probably going to get slated here but I don't think you feel you should have to tell him. Regardless of what the PC brigade say, it is ok to have secrets. It's not ok to have secrets that effect your relationship with him, but it is ok to keep things that are part of your "self" to yourself.

So if you genuinely feel you have moved on and it doesn't feature anymore as something that effects you day-to-day and you feel telling him will only throw him into turmoil, upset him and change the dynamic of your relationship then don't feel you "have to" tell him. You don't.

And on a side note, it is great to hear that you have recovered so well and have moved on from such a traumatic experience.

LegacyUser

Zeouterlimits & Miss Fluff you have both voiced opinions that i have found myself thinking lately.

I know telling him will upset him and cause him some distress i hate the idea of doing that to him. This is not something i've ever told previous boyfriends (a) as Miss Fluff has said i don't believe you have to share every little thing with someone your with and (b) i moved past this a long time ago.

But while i have moved on i also know this is not a little thing and i believe my bf is planning on proposing in a few weeks for my birthday. Personally this is not something i want between us, i don't want to keep a part of me hidden for the rest of my life.

That aside isn't this something he should know before he asks me to marry him (i don't think it will for one minute cause him to change his mind btw). Like i said i really don't want to cause him any pain but wouldn't that pain be worse if i should decide to tell him years down the line or worse yet if family or friends were to say something to him at some point

LegacyUser

I think you should tell him. I told my boyfriend about things that happened to me when I was younger even though it scared me witless to do so!! What happened to me when I was younger is part of who I am now, warts and all and I told him all about it because I wanted him to truly know me.
If your boyfriend ever did find out (from you or somebody else) further down the line, I'd imagine he'd be very hurt that you felt you couldn't tell him about it.

LegacyUser

I would echo exactly Miss Fluff's first paragraph. If this unfortunate time in your past is having a negative effect on the quality of time you spend together with your OH, then he has a right to know why, but otherwise I wouldn't say anything... unless of course you really feel you have to get if off your chest.

A girl I was going out with once told me something similar... of course I was supportive but truth be told it weirded me out a little bit, for the simple reason that I couldn't get it out of the back of my mind when we were being intimate and stuff - how it might have affected her and that sort of thing. Sorry... but that's a fact!

I didn't think any less of her of course but I thought about it a lot..Granted I hadn't been with her very long at the time so perhaps it was a bit premature on her part... I dunno.

Anyway- We broke up for unrelated reasons in case you were wondering!

LegacyUser

It's different if a lot of family& friends know, then it would seem strange not to have told him also.

thefeatheredcat

I'd be with both Zeouterlimits & Miss Fluff but the deciding factors is the fact that friends and family know about it and could be brought up under the assumption that he knew; the other factor is how will he take it?

If you're comfortable about it in general terms and you've dealt with it, you also need to be comfortable in telling him. His perception of you most likely won't change, his intent is there to propose, but knowing it will effect him. Yes it could hurt him to know it and feel sad for you what happened and it's a burden in itself to know it.

However, if it were somehow to come to his attention through a friend or family member (how I don't know but obviously not deliberately or with malicious intent) how would he feel suddenly being confronted with it, say 2 or 3 years into your marriage or when you have children yourself?

If you think that with it on your mind right now you have doubts on telling him, if you keep it to yourself will you be able to put it aside or would keeping it a secret from him be a burden/guilt on you?

LegacyUser

i am in no way uncomfortable talking about, i never have been which is probably why i was able to get over it and for the most part just put it behind me. The only reason i don't want to tell him is i don't want to upset him and ok if i'm totally honest i'm a little worried he will feel the same way unregisteredude did.

Certain family members do know also a couple of very close friends and i know they would never be malicious about it but you know how these things can happen. Someone somewhere along the line says something under the presumption that he already knows, you get the drift. Then it becomes this big thing that i've been hiding\bottling up.

As thefeatheredcat pointed out what if i have kids someday? I may have to explain at that point why i don't want my kids near this person and unfotunately this is also a very likely scenario

thefeatheredcat

whatdouthink wrote: »

The only reason i don't want to tell him is i don't want to upset him and ok if i'm totally honest i'm a little worried he will feel the same way unregisteredude did.

It's a risk you may have to take, but through trusting him. I'll admit that I once told a guy I was very close to something very personal because I trusted him; I suspected that it weirded him out and he was uncomfortable with it although he never said and eventually parted ways over another matter although I feel that telling him that was something he couldn't cope with and the real reason for parting ways. Unregistereddude - I hope in your case you told her that you were uncomfortable about it and talked about it to her.

OP - should you tell him, put trust in him but ensure that you are open to discussing it and that if he is uncomfortable or doesn't know what to do with the information then for him to tell you and deal with that then by talking about it. It may take a while for him to get his head around it, particularly the emotional aspect on his side such as anger towards the person that did it.

whatdouthink wrote: »

As thefeatheredcat pointed out what if i have kids someday? I may have to explain at that point why i don't want my kids near this person and unfotunately this is also a very likely scenario

I actually didn't mean it in that way, that more you would be more protective of your children as a result and that should he may not be able to handle it if in some years down the line he finds out when there's more than just you in the equation.

However, you've brought up something quite important - if it's likely in the present that your partner knows this person responsible and end up forming a friendship or at least are on good terms with one another, he may not be comfortable around them or may wish not to have much to do with them. In the future, with children, he may not be comfortable having anything to do with the person, even if it's unavoidable.
But I think that if it's the case that future children maybe in contact with this person, it may be wiser that he knows so he can protect them, rather than unsuspecting and finding out the truth from you about what happened to you but having spent years knowing that person, thinking well of them and never knowing of what happened to you.

Have you talked about it with close friends and family that do know? Maybe something to approach particular agencies about it?

LighterGuy

If you have an honest relationship why not tell him.

Of course due to its subject nature if you didnt tell him until a few years into marriage, its one of those things where people would see why.

The only thing I can say is by telling him it strenthens honesty.

SouthernRed

I must admit OP I’ve been following this thread and it really got to me. So much so I'm making my first ever post! I went through the same thing when I was younger and over the last year have often wondered if you are going to tell someone, at what point in a relationship do you tell them.


I was in a long term relationship when I was younger and I didn’t tell that person for years. I only told him when it became absolutely necessary. It was just something I felt he didn’t need to know about me, that it wasn’t relevant to our relationship. While the relationship didn’t work out it was unrelated, as we grew up we grew apart. We were far too young for a serious relationship.


After reading your post yesterday I decided to tell someone I love about it. Like you, I was worried about how he would take it. No matter how comfortable you are in talking about it, it’s still not an easy thing to tell someone you care about.



As another poster mentioned I wanted him to know me, warts and all as they say. I wanted him to know what he was getting just in case we ever get to the stage you and your OH are at.



If you feel you want to tell him then do. Personally I kept that "secret" long enough when I was younger...try not to feel like this is something you HAVE to keep from him.