too naive?!?

emeraldgal

i love my partner so so much but it really bothers me that he watches porn. i know because i found it in his computer history.
i went balistic at him and told him how much it hurts- that it hurts really bad.
since then hes been more discrete about it but when i found his hidden history all pornographic sites and girls came up.
i just cant deal with it. everyone will come back and say "amy all guys watch porn" but that just doesnt make me feel okay about it.
no matter what people say i believe watching and stimulating oneself while watching porn is a form of cheating.
seriously if hes going to be getting sexually excited watching these whores moving around/having sex then he may aswell cheat on me as far as im concerned. i actualy cant understand women who are ok with their husbands watching porn.
ultimately a man is desiring another woman sexually when enjoying porn and that is not right in a relationship.
i think we as females need to stop ACCEPTING that "its normal" cos it is far from it. i dont know how people can argue that it is healthy and normal- healthy and normal would be being totally committed and satisfied with YOUR PARTNER.
im so so upset whenever i think about this- i try to ignore it but it deeply upsets me. the thought of the man i love getting his rocks off to some girl who looks nothing like me and acts nothing like me just doesnt go down well with me..
i dont even know how people can help- ive told him to stop and its clear that he wants to use it.
the way i feel on the topic is that i dont compare to these women with their perfect bodies. i sincerely had hoped and believed that i was the only woman who could turn my fiance on...

LegacyUser

i sincerely had hoped and believed that i was the only woman who could turn my fiance on...

ah come on now honey...seriously?

So are you saying if i dunno scarlett johansson stood naked in front of your fiance, he wouldn't be turned on?

i think we as females need to stop ACCEPTING that "its normal" cos it is far from it. i dont know how people can argue that it is healthy and normal- healthy and normal would be being totally committed and satisfied with YOUR PARTNER.

Ha!! speak for yourself there, i'm a female, i watch porn, are you trying to tell me i'm not healthy or normal?

You seem to think that watching porn is something MEN do, i've news for you...its not. Loads of women watch it and get off to it!!

i dont even know how people can help- ive told him to stop and its clear that he wants to use it.

I'm sorry to break it to you but, YOU'RE the one with the problem here! Clearly this is about you, and your low self esteem/insecurities. Your bfs not in the wrong here. Its like telling him to stop masturbating because hes cheating on you with his right hand ffs!
Watching people having sex is what he likes masturbating to! Big deal!

The language you use would suggest you have serious issues with your body and with sex, like its a shameful or wrong act, its not! sex is normal, healthy, as is masturbation!

watching these whores moving around

the man i love getting his rocks off to some girl who looks nothing like me and acts nothing like me just doesnt go down well with me..

i dont compare to these women with their perfect bodies

Honestly your jealousy towards some random woman who he will never meet in real life is far more unhealthy than your fiance watching porn tbh...

Virgil°

emeraldgal wrote: »

i went balistic at him and told him how much it hurts- that it hurts really bad.
since then hes been more discrete about it but when i found his hidden history all pornographic sites and girls came up.

This is an issue thats come up multiple times here. As you can see from your reaction all that its done has made him discreet about it and as an added bonus he probably won't feel comfortable talking to you about intimate sexual things in future for fear of your reaction. So in a way youve made things twofold worse.

i just cant deal with it. everyone will come back and say "amy all guys watch porn" but that just doesnt make me feel okay about it.
no matter what people say i believe watching and stimulating oneself while watching porn is a form of cheating.
seriously if hes going to be getting sexually excited watching these whores moving around/having sex then he may aswell cheat on me as far as im concerned. i actualy cant understand women who are ok with their husbands watching porn.

In fact its fine to not feel ok about it.
Just so long as you understand that what your partner doing is widely regarded as normal sexual behaviour and that this problem really is yours to rectify.To bring yourself to peace with it. Have you ever ACTUALLY been cheated on OP? Most people who have been will tell you that its a horrifying desperate feeling to be cheated on. And that porn and cheating aren't in the same same universe let alone ball park.

ultimately a man is desiring another woman sexually when enjoying porn and that is not right in a relationship.

And whats wrong with this? Men don't automatically become coldblooded autonomous relationship objects when they have a girlfriend. Same with women. I'm sure you have a rake of good looking movie stars that you fancy the arse off....ie desire sexually. But i'm sure you wouldn't cheat and i dare say neither would he should he encounter any of these stars in real life.

i think we as females need to stop ACCEPTING that "its normal" cos it is far from it. i dont know how people can argue that it is healthy and normal- healthy and normal would be being totally committed and satisfied with YOUR PARTNER.

Because it is healthy and normal. Majority rules here i'm afraid.
By the way i wouldn't actually verbalise any of the above "we as females" propaganda rubbish to your partner. I personally would be gone like a shot hearing that.

im so so upset whenever i think about this- i try to ignore it but it deeply upsets me. the thought of the man i love getting his rocks off to some girl who looks nothing like me and acts nothing like me just doesnt go down well with me..

Thats exactly it. They look nothing like you. Don't try to compare yourself to them. You cant. You're the one he cuddles up to in bed and shares his life with,not them. They're nothing to him. Little more than something to get him up for a few minutes.

i dont even know how people can help- ive told him to stop and its clear that he wants to use it.
the way i feel on the topic is that i dont compare to these women with their perfect bodies. i sincerely had hoped and believed that i was the only woman who could turn my fiance on...

I'm not trying to be harsh OP but there ARE women that are more attractive than you out there.Just like there are men that are more attractive than your partner.
None of this matters. He choose you and continues to do so just like you do with him. Thats enough, thats all there will ever be.

Let me emphasise this point. You CAN'T make him stop. And by the sounds of it hes not going to.This is probably going to be true of 99% of any potential future boyfriends you're going to have.
Of course you're not the only woman that can turn him on. Its naive to think so. His previous girlfriends did. The woman he glanced at on the street today for 3 seconds did. And if you persist with this his next girlfriend will too.
Think carefully before you do anything else OP or risk losing him.
All the best

MrMojoRising

emeraldgal wrote: »

the way i feel on the topic is that i dont compare to these women with their perfect bodies. i sincerely had hoped and believed that i was the only woman who could turn my fiance on...

i think this point perhaps underlines your own esteem / confidence issues, and that's what's causing the problem here. the girls on here that'll comment that they have no problem with their bf's watching porn, are the ones that are comfortable in their own skin, and happy with their own self image.

ultimately porn is just visual stimulation. there's no emotional connection there, and while you have every right to feel uncomfortable with it, you certainly shouldn't feel threatened by it.

hth

IrishEyes19

OP, I know its terrible to have to know he's doing this. But you can't change it much either without either making him do this very secretively which he is now or else ending the relationship by driving him away.

I dont mean this cruelly, but you could be the most beautiful woman in the world and your partner will still get turned on by other women, its fact of life. I'll use cheryl cole as an example in this. Men and women get turned on all the time even when in committed relationships, the fine line is drawn on whether they choose to follow up on it.

I cant really say whether it is a form of cheating or not. To be honest, Im not sure Im convinced, as a man or woman will have sexual thoughts regardless of whether he is staring at porn or not. Whether it is walking down the street and passing an attractive woman or masturbating which is common practice, he will be thinking sexually, will you turn around and tell him he cant masturbate either as Im sure he's thinking of something sexual.

I may be totally of the mark here, but perhaps he just wants to get off, now obviously its a pain to see him doing that without your assistance but unless your sex life with him has been affected, maybe he uses porn to get off, but doesnt want to associate thoughts of you with him getting off in that way. Kind of respect maybe?

I also dont think he thinks the way we women do. We see it as a form of betryal because we're their partner both mentally and sexual and we should be their source of intimacy, however to him, its just getting off to a nameless picture. I know its horrible and it is, but I bet he doesnt mean anything by it. That saying obviously if he's obsessed with it and doing it regularly, you need to have a chat, but if its just occasionally I dont think theres anything abnormal about it in this day and age. Best of luck

LegacyUser

I also dont think he thinks the way we women do. We see it as a form of betryal because we're their partner both mentally and sexual and we should be their source of intimacy, however to him

i think we as females need to stop ACCEPTING that "its normal" cos it is far from it.

With the greatest respect ladies, please stop tarring all "us females" with the same brush. I'm a woman and i readily admit to watching porn. Watching porn is not just "something men do". Many women also enjoy watching porn. Just because this is your attitude to porn and you happen to be a woman, it does not mean ALL women share the same opinion.

kylith

I'm sorry that you feel that way OP, but for many people, both men and women, watching porn is completely normal. IMO it's very naive to think that you are the only person who could turn your fiance on.

Him watching porn is no different to him closing his eyes and imagining something. Can you honestly say that you have never thought of another man while masturbating?

Porn is not betrayal.

Neyite

emeraldgal wrote: »

i love my partner so so much but it really bothers me that he watches porn. i know because i found it in his computer history.......since then hes been more discrete about it but when i found his hidden history all pornographic sites and girls came up..

you go out of your way to find his hidden history on his computer? on a regular basis? thats not nice, or respectful. if he has any sense he will change his password and only let you on as a guest login.

i just cant deal with it. everyone will come back and say "amy all guys watch porn" but that just doesnt make me feel okay about it.
no matter what people say i believe watching and stimulating oneself while watching porn is a form of cheating........seriously if hes going to be getting sexually excited watching these whores moving around/having sex then he may aswell cheat on me as far as im concerned.

so by that rationale, you have caught him twice, and since he says now he wont stop, then he's cheating in your book, so why havent you dumped him then? thats what i would do with someone who cheated.

i actualy cant understand women who are ok with their husbands watching porn.

then you will not understand a large amount of women. some watch it with their partners, some make amateur videos with their partners.
the only time i would not be ok with porn is if a partner was more interested in porn than real life intimacy.

ultimately a man is desiring another woman sexually when enjoying porn and that is not right in a relationship.

this is your opinion though, not many people would share it.

i think we as females need to stop ACCEPTING that "its normal" cos it is far from it. i dont know how people can argue that it is healthy and normal- healthy and normal would be being totally committed and satisfied with YOUR PARTNER.

im female, and i dont agree with your statement.

im so so upset whenever i think about this- i try to ignore it but it deeply upsets me. the thought of the man i love getting his rocks off to some girl who looks nothing like me and acts nothing like me just doesnt go down well with me...

but you are not ignoring it. you said that you have looked in his internet history. if you want to ignore it, then dont look there!
i hope a guy posts here and explains better than i could to you that porn is just a mechanisim.

i dont even know how people can help- ive told him to stop and its clear that he wants to use it.

i dont think you have any right to tell him to stop. would you consider giving him a video of you as the star then? its a serious question. most men would love this.

the way i feel on the topic is that i dont compare to these women with their perfect bodies. i sincerely had hoped and believed that i was the only woman who could turn my fiance on...

i think this is the main problem here- its that you feel inferior to the women in his porn. genuinely asking here, would it be easier for you if he looked at women you percieve as less attractive than you? i dont think that you are seeing the difference between sex and love in your own head. he loves you. your body is the most amazing one to him, thats why he is with you and why he wants to marry you.

its very unrealistic to think that you will only and ever be the only woman to turn your partner on. its an impossible thing to think. you are the only one he loves, is'nt that enough?

greengiant09

like it or not, this is the reality of life. his behaviour is completely normal for the average male. you'd be naive to think otherwise. plus i've known a good few women who like to watch porn too. you'd be mad to think you can change him or society if women don't accept this sort of behaviour. you can't overcome human nature. it's not really a choice he's making....it's a natural reaction. it's like eating food....you just have an urge to do it. even if you abstain from eating...you'd always have those urges.

R.D. aka MR.D

Don't let other people tell you what to feel comfortable with or not.

Plenty of people do not accept porn and know about its harmful effects.

You need to question your relationship, are you going to accept some one who cannot live up to your expectations?

IrishEyes19

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Don't let other people tell you what to feel comfortable with or not.

Plenty of people do not accept porn and know about its harmful effects.

You need to question your relationship, are you going to accept some one who cannot live up to your expectations?

I dont think the other posters are telling the OP what to feel, R.D

they are explaining to her that his actions are one of many, and its very common. I dont think the OP has a right to block her OH from using porn either. She has the right to walk away, but she cant just tell him not to. Thats totally different.

@OP, you need to sit him down and tell him this, however I dont think it will have any effect.

Virgil°

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Don't let other people tell you what to feel comfortable with or not.

Were not telling her what to feel. But what shes feeling is harming her relationship ergo we give ADVICE

Plenty of people do not accept porn and know about its harmful effects.

Thats because plenty of people know that porn even on a regular basis has no documented harmful effects. The only problem is when it becomes an obsession. Which weve no reason to believe is the case here.

You need to question your relationship, are you going to accept some one who cannot live up to your expectations?

How in this case would he live up to her expectations barring being a lapdog and doing as she says?
Think to yourself OP are you really willing to give up the man you love over a sexual behaviour common worldwide?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm a recently single man who occasionally uses pornography. Saying that, I think it is one of the most disgusting things on the planet.

When I've been in a relationships I have not used porn... primarily out of respect for my partner. Your partner knows it makes you unhappy (reasonably IMO), but he seems not to care. Again just my opinion, but I wouldn't accept it if I were you.

Emme

I have a problem with the way women are portrayed and treated in certain kinds of hardcore porn. If men (and women) watch too much of this type of porn men may come to see the behaviour portrayed as "normal" sex and women may feel that they have to allow themselves to be degraded sexually like the porn actresses. For example, ejaculating into a woman's eyes is not what I would consider normal but it is very common in porn. Also bukkake where a number of men ejaculate onto a woman's face.

There is a very dark side to porn and many porn actors are extremely damaged people as a result of their careers.

If you're uncomfortable with your partner using porn that's ok.
If you want to leave him because he does something you're uncomfortable with, that's ok.
If you think you have a right to stop him, that's not ok.
Stay with him and put up with it, or leave him. You can't expect him to change for you, and if you try, you'll always be paranoid that he's lying about it, and he'll feel frustrated and resentment will brew.

To be honest though, unless he's watching something illegal, something extremely violent or something which makes you seriously doubt his mental health, I wouldn't take porn as something to be worried about. He's not watching those girls because he wants to run away with them and have their babies. He just likes watching them do certain things. Do you close your eyes during the part of a film when people kiss? (or even have sex in a non pornographic way?) Do you not feel like you've cheated when you've gotten wrapped up in the romance of some movie? Those butterflies or that smile you might get when you see a happy ending (no pun) in a movie aren't you feeling happy that two fictional people found romance, it's a result of you relating to the characters and subconsciously putting yourself in their position. You feel happy when the character finds love because it makes you feel like you've found love. By your standards given in your post, this would be cheating too, although this would be worse because it's emotional cheating. The reason you shouldn't feel guilty about it is because it's fiction. It's you enjoying a fantasy. It's not real and it doesn't say anything about your relationship. It's the same with porn, except porn seems far more threatening because it's something he does in private, it's something he doesn't share with you, and now that you've freaked out at him about it he never will share it with you. Some couples have a great time watching porn together. It's not cheating.

tbh

this is yet another issue where the issue isn't important. If your boyfriend is doing something - anything, doesn't matter what it is - that you don't like, then you have an issue. Your issue here is : can you learn to deal with it, or can he comprehend that it's a big deal to you and stop doing it.

If the answer to either of those is yes, you'll be fine, if not, you won't.

The attitude of the majority of posters about porn is irrelevant. The op could have said my boyf smokes and I don't like it, or my boyf drinks tea and I don't like it.

Can you learn to live with it? If not, will he stop doing it?

Two simple questions that can only be answered by the OP and her boyf.

Virgil°

tbh wrote: »

The attitude of the majority of posters about porn is irrelevant. The op could have said my boyf smokes and I don't like it, or my boyf drinks tea and I don't like it.

I think you're being too simplistic here. If she came in here and said if found out my boyfriend drinks tea and im upset. I think most people would tell her to cop on.
Likewise with porn where the usage is moderate and bears no ill effects.

Smoking is a completely different kettle of fish. Because of the potential monetary and ill health consequences. If she came in here and said i found out my boyfriend smokes and im upset then i imagine things would have played out differently. Ie.... will he stop it? can she live with it? would be completely rational questions to ask.

You cant lump every scenario with each other in this regard. This is why our opinions on porn ARE relevant. So she can see that she's worrying over nothing.

tbh

Virgil° wrote: »

I think you're being too simplistic here. If she came in here and said if found out my boyfriend drinks tea and im upset. I think most people would tell her to cop on..

yeah but most people aren't in a relationship with her. The OP is entitled to find whatever she wants offensive or not offensive. She doesn't have to justify those opinions to us. Most of us could say "I think you're over-reacting", but it doesn't matter what most of us think - only what her and her boyfriend thinks.

Virgil°

tbh wrote: »

yeah but most people aren't in a relationship with her. The OP is entitled to find whatever she wants offensive or not offensive. She doesn't have to justify those opinions to us. Most of us could say "I think you're over-reacting", but it doesn't matter what most of us think - only what her and her boyfriend thinks.

If she ever wants to succeed in relationships she would do well to align herself with a realistic worldview. Being extremely upset about watching porn and drinking tea are not realistic. We know what her boyfriend thinks on the matter. And our advice is that she should look to change her views in this matter to be more accepting.
She is of course entitled to find drinking tea offensive. Wont help her much though if she wants to avoid being single for the rest of her days.

Elle Collins

tbh wrote: »

The OP is entitled to find whatever she wants offensive or not offensive. She doesn't have to justify those opinions to us.

+ 1

OP, I'm sure you'll have figured out for yourself by now that there's no point discussing this with a load of porn enthusiasts, so my advice to you would be to discuss this with Accord or Relate or some other body that's actually set up to help work out relationship issues instead of advocating for pornography.

As to aligning yourself with a 'realistic worldview' - lol and fuk that. You just keep on aligning yourself with what's right for you.

Virgil°

Elle Collins wrote: »

+ 1

OP, I'm sure you'll have figured out for yourself by now that there's no point discussing this with a load of porn enthusiasts, so my advice to you would be to discuss this with Accord or Relate or some other body that's actually set up to help work out relationship issues instead of advocating for pornography.
.

LOL!
Thats right. Discuss porn with a catholic run service.Fantastic idea. I suppose if you just want to be told that you're right as opposed to solving the issue you could do worse.

As to aligning yourself with a 'realistic worldview' - lol and fuk that. You just keep on aligning yourself with what's right for you.

Im sure you dont go around getting offended and ending relationships when people drink tea. Most people see nothing wrong with tea and as such relationships survive despite the fact that people drink tea.
Thats what im talking about when i say "aligning with a realistic worldview".
It simply isn't helpful or rational to be offended by tea drinkers.

This is,thankfully, the same for porn.Its fine though i know from the previous thread of this ilk that you equate porn to cheating so im not really all that bothered discussing this with you.

OP ill say this again you are setting yourself up for a very tough time with relationships if you cant accept and make peace with porn.
As it is you stand a very high chance of losing this one on your current course. And no Catholic help group can do a damn thing about it.

tbh

Virgil° wrote: »

This is,thankfully, the same for porn

it is?? For you maybe. But what works for you doesn't have to work for everyone. You may be fine with abortion, recreational drugs, class A drugs, light bondage etc etc, but that doesn't mean everyone or indeed anyone else has to be.
You think porn is ok, that's great. I do too, so if you and I started a relationship, we can be relatively sure that porn won't be a problem for us.
The OP, however, has a problem with porn, and it is not relevant to tell her that she just has to deal with it. She doesn't.
You are of course entitled to point out that her attitude towards porn may make it difficult for her to have a relationship, but that's her call. They are her principles and she's entitled to them.

Virgil°

tbh wrote: »

it is?? For you maybe. But what works for you doesn't have to work for everyone. You may be fine with abortion, recreational drugs, class A drugs, light bondage etc etc, but that doesn't mean everyone or indeed anyone else has to be.

You missed my point obviously. What happens if i take the examples to the other end of the spectrum? Maybe she says she not fine with him going out for a drink? Or looking at members of the opposite sex? Should we then tell her its fine to be not be ok with this?
This is only going to pander to her insecurity and from the looks of things only hinder her relationship with her partner. Being against drugs or abortions aren't likely to cause issues in relationships as im sure she can find many men who share her view.

You think porn is ok, that's great. I do too, so if you and I started a relationship, we can be relatively sure that porn won't be a problem for us.
The OP, however, has a problem with porn, and it is not relevant to tell her that she just has to deal with it. She doesn't.

It IS relevant though. Her boyfriend isn't going to stop watching porn. That much is clear. So she can either deal with it or end it. Those are the only two choices. If she sticks to her anti-porn ideals then she will end it and i think in the long run find herself a very lonely person. As well you know she'll be hard pressed to find a man who doesn't watch it. Or indeed think of other women in a sexual way while they masturbate(which she has a problem with too)

You are of course entitled to point out that her attitude towards porn may make it difficult for her to have a relationship, but that's her call. They are her principles and she's entitled to them.

I dont see why any rational person would choose high chance of being miserable in relationships(or indeed alone) for the rest of their life over trying to improve what is obviously a huge self-esteem issue. And advising her that she's fine to stay in that state seems very counterproductive to me.

liah

It's funny, every time someone posts in here with a problem regarding porn they're met with "cop on," "be realistic," etc. As if porn is sacred or something, or the people who use it can't control themselves and just HAVE to have it, like it's a human right.

Well, guess what: she also has the human right to be bothered by the idea of the man she loves and adores sitting in front of a computer unceremoniously whacking off to images of other girls and fantasizing about the things he could do to people who aren't her. In fairness to her it's just not a pleasant mental image (unless you're into that kind of thing, but she obviously isn't, so there's no point bringing that into the discussion).

I can see both perspectives but I seriously don't get why so many people are so obsessed with making porn untouchable. If she has a problem with it she needs to discuss it with him, compromise works BOTH ways in relationships.

You have a few options, OP.

1) Break up with him, if this is going to break your heart or make you lose respect for him, you need to end it and find someone who will make you always feel like you're enough. Don't settle, there's billions of men in the world, you'll find one who has the same viewpoints as yourself.

2) Offer him some suggestive photos or videos of yourself or yourself with him as a compromise-- he still gets something to whack off to, and you can be happy knowing it's you. Explain to him, properly, why it is it bothers you so much and hopefully he'll have enough respect for you and control over himself to keep how you feel in mind.

3) Stay in the relationship as is and try to force yourself into accepting that it's just going to happen and you have to ignore it. Hardly fair on you, he gets everything he wants but you're left feeling like crap, but it seems to be what everyone's suggesting.

Good luck with whatever you choose, OP.

tbh

Virgil° wrote: »

You missed my point obviously. What happens if i take the examples to the other end of the spectrum? Maybe she says she not fine with him going out for a drink? Or looking at members of the opposite sex? Should we then tell her its fine to be not be ok with this?

it *is* fine not to be ok with any of those things. She can object to, or be fine with, anything she wants.

Virgil°

tbh wrote: »

it *is* fine not to be ok with any of those things. She can object to, or be fine with, anything she wants.

Read the rest of my post.

tbh

Virgil° wrote: »

Read the rest of my post.

the rest of your post is just stating what I said in my first post, with respect. She can either learn to deal with it, or she can ask the boyfriend not to do it, or she can finish the relationship. She has to decide whether this issue is important enough to end a relationship over, and if she decides that it is, that's her business.

Virgil°

tbh wrote: »

that's her business.

She asked for advice on her business. I would advise her to try and work through her insecurities or risk losing her loved one.
I seriously can't comprehend how telling her she's right to be insecure about something commonly accepted the world over is going to help her in the long run.

Smallbit

OP, if you can't live with the thought of your boyfriend using porn, then you have a decision to make. Regardless of the rights or wrongs, he appears to like looking at porn. You appear to want to control this aspect of his behaviour which is ultimately futile. You can't be the thought police and all you'll do is drive his behaviour underground if you persist with 'banning' him from watching it.

In general, men approach sexuality in a different way to women. again, in general men can separate love and sex and masturbate simply for the sexual pleasure involved. this is not a crime, and it is does not qualify as infidelity.

We can assume your boyfriend doesn't love or wish to cohabit with any of the porn-stars he watches and simply likes sex and/or images of sex. You might need to examine your own feelings around your wish to control his urges. The fact that you repeatedly and surreptitiously looked at his internet history indicates that you are becoming obsessed with his private sexual thoughts.

I know my boyfriend looks at porn occasionally but it doesn't affect our sex life in any way. I operate a don't ask/don't tell policy! I'm pretty sure he masturbates occasionally but it's completely harmless and none of my business unless it actually affects me in a tangible way.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'd be on your side here... I cannot stand porn. You are allowed hate it, it's ok. People coming on here saying that they use porn all the time isn't really helping. Different strokes!

I think it comes down to you two not being compatible... he does something, you get upset, he tries to hide the behaviour... something is not right here! If he is going to continue regardless of how you feel then you have to question your future!!!

hightower1

emeraldgal wrote: »

i think we as females need to stop ACCEPTING that "its normal" cos it is far from it.

emeraldgal wrote: »

the thought of the man i love getting his rocks off to some girl who looks nothing like me and acts nothing like me just doesnt go down well with me.....

And most vibrators look nothing like mens bits or act like mens bits ether but thats totally acceptable by women ? :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

I think it comes down to you two not being compatible... he does something, you get upset, he tries to hide the behaviour... something is not right here! If he is going to continue regardless of how you feel then you have to question your future!!!

But shes not making any attempt to compromise! Its all her her her

ive told him to stop and its clear that he wants to use it.

lol you told him to stop! get real.
Its a relationship, there has to be compromise! You can't just tell him to stop doing something, he has his own mind! hes not your slave under your control, hes not a 5 year old child! Just because you have issues with porn, it doesn't make your opinion right, he also doesn't have to agree with your opinon. Your bf has been very fair, you told him you were not ok with porn, he compromised by being discreet about it. Its not his fault you went snooping through his computer! You can't just DEMAND that he do something and then expect him to do it, thats not how relationships work.

Your bf looking at porn is not the issue here, and you're deluding yourself if you think it is. You don't trust him. end of. This post and your other post on cheating would seem that you're way too insecure about yourself, I mean you actually believe that your boyfriend can't even think about other women. That really is scarily controlling..

I think you should quite honestly dump him and work on your own issues, see a professional who you can talk about your self image, sex issues and confidence problems, and only then start thinking about starting a relationship.

S23

It seems pretty cut and dried to me.

Speak to your BF about this. Tell him how much it upsets you. Ask him to stop it.

If he says he isn't willing to never masturbate again (which he is perfectly entitled to do) and this upsets you so much then break up with him.

We could be here all day talking about whats normal and whats not. This upsets you, you can't deal with it. It seems clear to me you need to move on if its THAT big an issue for you.

I'm sure you can meet someone down the line who shares the same view as you on this topic and you can live happily ever after.

I would, though, add one word of warning. A quick google search on the matter throws up a good few studies etc... and they all seem to come up with the stat that between 70-90% of men and women who are married/in a relationship masturbate regularly.

It's not wrong to feel how you feel about this. However, it's also not wrong to do what your boyfriend does.

As I said before I'm sure you can find someone more compatible in future.

greengiant09

I'm sure you can meet someone down the line who shares the same view as you on this topic and you can live happily ever after.

QUOTE]

good luck with that!...if your boyfriend is perfect in every other way and you throw away your relationship over his porn use, then your a complete fool! i'm a guy and and every single one of my friends uses porn so you'll be narrowing down you potential partners to a very small niche. and what are the chances that these lads who don't use porn are likely to be a good match for you???...not bloody likely. tell your boyfriend you don't like him using it and to keep it completely out of your awareness. out of sight....out of mind!

seenitall

greengiant09 wrote: »

I'm sure you can meet someone down the line who shares the same view as you on this topic and you can live happily ever after.

QUOTE]

good luck with that!...if your boyfriend is perfect in every other way and you throw away your relationship over his porn use, then your a complete fool! i'm a guy and and every single one of my friends uses porn so you'll be narrowing down you potential partners to a very small niche. and what are the chances that these lads who don't use porn are likely to be a good match for you???...not bloody likely. tell your boyfriend you don't like him using it and to keep it completely out of your awareness. out of sight....out of mind!

Ah come on.. isn't that a bit harsh?

I am sure there are quite a few good, God-fearing Catholic boys out there for the OP to choose from, in this of all countries especially!

OP, as has been said already, you and your boyfriend seem to be highly incompatible regarding your views on sex and sexuality. If there is no give on either side (and it seems there isn't), it can only end in tears.

Therefore, I would heartily recommend getting involved with your parish social events and occasions, volunteering, attending Bible-reading evenings etc. I'd be surprised if you didn't find a lad after your own heart in one of these.

Best wishes.

LegacyUser

If it bothers you so much, you should finish with him. I wouldn't stand for a partner having that much porn on his pc. Has he nothing better to do apart from play with himself? Where do you come into the picture?

IrishEyes19

Emme wrote: »

I have a problem with the way women are portrayed and treated in certain kinds of hardcore porn. If men (and women) watch too much of this type of porn men may come to see the behaviour portrayed as "normal" sex and women may feel that they have to allow themselves to be degraded sexually like the porn actresses. For example, ejaculating into a woman's eyes is not what I would consider normal but it is very common in porn. Also bukkake where a number of men ejaculate onto a woman's face.

There is a very dark side to porn and many porn actors are extremely damaged people as a result of their careers.

Ok fair enough that its possible porn actors have been damaged, I dont know about that so I cant comment. However, this isnt a case where the OP's OH is forcing her to act like the porn stars do. He is doing this for himself, so I dont think the argument stands that she is being forced to be more extreme during sex, this isnt her argument at all, she is upset that he needs porn and that she isnt good for him therefore I think her problem lies within her self esteem.

All guys and most use porn, its just a fact and look if its a problem where its effecting her sex life with him, fair enough, call him up on it. But if its merely because she feels she is isnt 24/7 on his sexual thoughts, that issue will have be accepted, because she never will be.

I dont think the OP's OH is even aware how awful she finds this. Thats the real problem, not the fact that he uses porn. Its lack of communication

LegacyUser

OP, I'd ignore the brigade shouting 'What if you don't get another man?'. Contrary to popular belief, you can live a happy and fulfilling life without a partner. If you're not happy with him supplementing your sex life with porn for himself, leave him. Your peace of mind is far more important than spending your life with a person whose fundamental wishes and beliefs go against your own.

greengiant09

seenitall wrote: »

Ah come on.. isn't that a bit harsh?

I am sure there are quite a few good, God-fearing Catholic boys out there for the OP to choose from, in this of all countries especially!

OP, as has been said already, you and your boyfriend seem to be highly incompatible regarding your views on sex and sexuality. If there is no give on either side (and it seems there isn't), it can only end in tears.

Therefore, I would heartily recommend getting involved with your parish social events and occasions, volunteering, attending Bible-reading evenings etc. I'd be surprised if you didn't find a lad after your own heart in one of these.

Best wishes.

not really at all, i think it's quite realistic to be honest. pretty much every single partner you meet is likely to have something that annoys but you manage to deal with it by COMPROMISING. i just can't believe this issue could be or should be a deal breaker.

these 'good, god fearing catholic boys' as you put it are likely to have there own opinions that the op is likely to disagree with....and what's she going to do then??...dump then and go for someone else? i might add that i would not be surprised in the least if these church goers are regular watchers of porn also.

sex is meant to be fun and porn watching is just a fantasy. it's just a cheap thrill. half the stuff people watch on the internet, they would never engage in this behaviour themselves in reality.

if the op really can't compromise on this issue, she should dump him.....but she could be making life very difficult for herself in finding a partner that suits her.

seenitall

greengiant09 wrote: »

i might add that i would not be surprised in the least if these church goers are regular watchers of porn also.

:eek:

Cynical, gg, cynical...

IrishEyes19

I may also add, that these church goers in order to pro-create had to engage in some form of sexual activity....hence relating to the fact, Im sure church goers do not, not use porn.

It isnt a case of tolerating his porn use, OP, or a case of getting him to get rid of it. Its a case of telling him how you feel, because it wont stop. It will only have him hide it even more if he has any sense to see how it affects you. I do believe its a male need, its not attractive, ok, I can agree with that. Personally I wouldnt want to know why my OH is looking at, unless it was somehow affecting or relationship or else it was a hazzard or danger to someone else, you get my drift.

I dont think this is something he will just stop doing and Im not sure he should either. He will either resent you for it or hide it more. You need to talk to him about this, not us.

LegacyUser

greengiant09 wrote: »

not really at all, i think it's quite realistic to be honest. pretty much every single partner you meet is likely to have something that annoys but you manage to deal with it by COMPROMISING. i just can't believe this issue could be or should be a deal breaker.


if the op really can't compromise on this issue, she should dump him.....but she could be making life very difficult for herself in finding a partner that suits her.

Of course nobody's perfect, but if what your partner is doing something that disgusts you, surely it's time to get out? It wouldn't make for a healthy relationship for a start. Doesn't matter if it's the norm, or that most people do it, the fact is that there's no point in staying in a relationship with somebody if they're doing something that disgusts you (male or female).
As to whether she'll find another partner is beside the point. Her peace of mind is far more important.
Telling the OP that she needs to get counselling (as other posters have said) is just being hysterical and is syptomatic of hand-wringing. She is entitled to not like something her boyfriend does, and she is entitled to air her opinion about it. After all, she is the one who will perhaps be spending the rest of her life with this man, shouldn't she be entitled to say what she likes or doesn't like? It's HER life and happiness on the line, not ours.

chainsaws

ultimately a man is desiring another woman sexually when enjoying porn and that is not right in a relationship.
i think we as females need to stop ACCEPTING that "its normal" cos it is far from it. i dont know how people can argue that it is healthy and normal- healthy and normal would be being totally committed and satisfied with YOUR PARTNER.

Sadly you are being naive.
A man who is married for years and has grown up children, will be turned on by the attractive women he sees all around him.
He might be sexually attracted to his wife and his wife's friends, his friends' wives, his son's wife, his daughters' school or college friends and women he sees in traffic.
That's basic biology.
A priest or nun who has been celibate for decades is still going to be turn on by the opposite sex.

Porn is everywhere, freely available and is only a mouse click away.

Statistics show it is the number 1 reason people use the internet and the porn industry makes more money than Hollywood, sports, music and computer games industries combined.

Men who are in sexual relationships still masturbate frequently.

Anthrologists, psychologists, biologists and other scientists who study human behaviour have found that human beings are not monogamous.

Men are evolved to have sex with as many women as possible in their life-time in order to father children.

In primitive times before people began to farm and live in cities with rules and regulations, human beings shared their partners and children were brought up within the community of hunter gatherers.

When the human population grew and humans had to live off the land as farmers which meant land had to be inherited, rules and regulations made sex taboo and tightly controlled - for instance the 10 commandments were created when the wandering Hebrews settled in Israel.

In China, a vast system of organisation was needed to feed millions of people so a strict systems of laws and rules was created to keep order for thousands of years.

In all societies prostitution has existed - prohibited but still tolerated while there were terrifying punishments and gruesome methods of execution for people caught in adultery e.g. stoning and the Pear Of Anguish used by the Spanish Inquisition.

However the primitive urge to have sex with multiple partners still exists nonetheless.

Just because a couple pledge themselves to each other or put a ring on their fingers, does not meant that a man can stop himself from feeling attracted to other women.

Most men do not act on it and porn is a substitute especially when his wife or girlfriend is too tired for sex, has to look after the kids, has lost interest in sex or has lost the shape she had when she was a younger woman.

But even guys who have girlfriends and wives who are stunningly beautiful and amazing at sex, still use porn or use prostitutes.

LegacyUser

Hello all.

I am an ex porn user, and since discovering it's effects on men, women, relationships and sex, not to mention the sex workers, i am very very very much opposed to it.

This woman is also against porn. Fine. She didn't ask for advice on changing her opinion, she asked for advice about her relationship.

If it was me, I couldn't be with someone who watched porn. Believe it or not, not ALL (as has been said so many times) watch porn. None of my male close friends watch porn. Neither do any of my female close friends. The key here is education. Any boyfriend i have had (bar one) either was already anti porn/prostitution or didn't know anything about its long term effects. Because being anti porn is a large part of my work and life, I was able to educate them and show them what the consequences would be for their mental health, sex life and relationships.


That was a bit of a ramble, sorry, my main point is, stop trying to persuade her that Porn is healthy and normal. It is neither of those things, and this is a fact. Just because lots of people do it, doesn't make it so. Advise her on how to sort her issue out with her husband, and leave it at that.

My advice would be to have a nice, sit down with tea chat with him. Maybe have how you feel written out beforehand so you can clear your head and not get upset. Just tell him honestly how you feel, and how it's impacting on your relationship. and if you decide to leave him, there are plenty of feminist male fish in the sea, i promise.
take care xxx

IrishEyes19

Expornuser wrote: »

Hello all.

I am an ex porn user, and since discovering it's effects on men, women, relationships and sex, not to mention the sex workers, i am very very very much opposed to it.

This woman is also against porn. Fine. She didn't ask for advice on changing her opinion, she asked for advice about her relationship.

If it was me, I couldn't be with someone who watched porn. Believe it or not, not ALL (as has been said so many times) watch porn. None of my male close friends watch porn. Neither do any of my female close friends. The key here is education. Any boyfriend i have had (bar one) either was already anti porn/prostitution or didn't know anything about its long term effects. Because being anti porn is a large part of my work and life, I was able to educate them and show them what the consequences would be for their mental health, sex life and relationships.


That was a bit of a ramble, sorry, my main point is, stop trying to persuade her that Porn is healthy and normal. It is neither of those things, and this is a fact. Just because lots of people do it, doesn't make it so. Advise her on how to sort her issue out with her husband, and leave it at that.

My advice would be to have a nice, sit down with tea chat with him. Maybe have how you feel written out beforehand so you can clear your head and not get upset. Just tell him honestly how you feel, and how it's impacting on your relationship. and if you decide to leave him, there are plenty of feminist male fish in the sea, i promise.
take care xxx

thats all well and good, but the OP hasnt really actually given out that porn is bad, her main concern in her first post was her fear that he needed porn more than he needed her. So I dont think initially the OP felt annoyed about Porn at all, it was that it made her feel less attractive. Im sure now after a few anti porn users have posted here, she'll state her "anti porn" attittude if she wants to, but the truth of the matter here is, no one here is telling her deal with porn and accept it, they have only said it is quite widespread and that she does need to talk to him however. The majority here have not been anti feminist, when in fact the majority of posts here have also been from quite a large number of women from single and taken relationships. So I dont think its fair to give or tell people how to advise here, when most people on this thread were only giving her the bare facts.

@OP, for you own good, just tell him exactly how you feel, but I do believe it wont change, really because its isnt something unique he is doing. However you are fully in your right to walk away if its too much and Im sure as the above poster has stated there are men who dont use it for whatever reasons, but I would just comment that, there are few that haven't at least tried it.

Johnny Favourite

you are being incredibly naive and selfish.

Are you opposed to him masturbating without using porn??

I am a man and I can speak for all men when I tell you (bold I know) that guys never think of their current gf when they are masturbating. Usually they are thinking of an ex or someone in the office..

You seem to have some serious self esteem issues.

Try watching it together and getting each other off at the same time..... you might like it.

Wibbs

Johnny Favourite wrote: »

I am a man and I can speak for all men when I tell you (bold I know) that guys never think of their current gf when they are masturbating. Usually they are thinking of an ex or someone in the office..

Well I must not be one of the men then, because I've regularly thought of current girlfriends while doing so. Sure I may think of others at times, but mostly the GF. Indeed for me if I wasn't I'd be wondering why I was with them in the first place.

You seem to have some serious self esteem issues.

Possibly, or she just doesnt think like you and finds porn in this context wrong. That's fine too BTW.

tbh

Johnny Favourite wrote: »

I am a man and I can speak for all men when I tell you

no, you can't - and don't think that you can. It's the very definition of arrogance and it won't do you any favours in life.