Stanza 1 of my poem so far..opinions? :)

ElizabethB

Engrave your words on this blood filled light
On the alter of his 'happiness'
on this bright but dark night.
Whisper your words in a silent scream
And turn your back to this cruel world.
Return, to your hope-filled dream.

0verblood

Doesn't make sense. What is it supposed to be about?

kippy

I like it.
Not sure what it is about as of ye, but I can make some guesses.

ElizabethB

0verblood wrote: »

Doesn't make sense. What is it supposed to be about?

I'm not being smart but how can you say any poem doesn't make sense ? You obviously haven't taken the time to read it properly. You might be confused by the lines 3&4 but I used a technique called oxymoron. Also the idea for this poem came from the cases of sexual abuse in the catholic church, which I was outraged by. Which is why I said " this blood filled light" because of the "everlasting" red light in every catholic church. Also when I said "alter of his happiness" i was referring to the priests. Over all i'm saying these people who spoke out about what happened to them when they were younger are basically screaming silenty, that nothing was really done? There was no justice and they now just have to accept that the world can be a cruel place at times. I hope you I answered your question. But i really think you should look deeper into a poem if you don't understand it the first time.

kippy

ElizabethB wrote: »

I'm not being smart but how can you say any poem doesn't make sense ? You obviously haven't taken the time to read it properly. You might be confused by the lines 3&4 but I used a technique called oxymoron. Also the idea for this poem came from the cases of sexual abuse in the catholic church, which I was outraged by. Which is why I said " this blood filled light" because of the "everlasting" red light in every catholic church. Also when I said "alter of his happiness" i was referring to the priests. Over all i'm saying these people who spoke out about what happened to them when they were younger are basically screaming silenty, that nothing was really done? There was no justice and they now just have to accept that the world can be a cruel place at times. I hope you I answered your question. But i really think you should look deeper into a poem if you don't understand it the first time.

That was one of the potential meanings I had in my head.
Yep, I like it.

ElizabethB

kippy wrote: »

That was one of the potential meanings I had in my head.
Yep, I like it.

Thank you it means a lot !

0verblood

ElizabethB wrote: »

I'm not being smart but how can you say any poem doesn't make sense ? You obviously haven't taken the time to read it properly. You might be confused by the lines 3&4 but I used a technique called oxymoron. Also the idea for this poem came from the cases of sexual abuse in the catholic church, which I was outraged by. Which is why I said " this blood filled light" because of the "everlasting" red light in every catholic church. Also when I said "alter of his happiness" i was referring to the priests. Over all i'm saying these people who spoke out about what happened to them when they were younger are basically screaming silenty, that nothing was really done? There was no justice and they now just have to accept that the world can be a cruel place at times. I hope you I answered your question. But i really think you should look deeper into a poem if you don't understand it the first time.

You spelled "alter" incorrectly.

ElizabethB

I'm sorry but if that's all you have to about my poetry then I don't want to hear it..I asked for opinions on my poetry not my spelling. It was because I'm on my iPod touch also.

pickarooney

What is it exactly you want to hear? You haven't bothered to post a complete work or spell-check what you have contributed and yet you arrogantly dismiss anything which isn't a glowing review.

0verblood

ElizabethB wrote: »

I'm sorry but if that's all you have to about my poetry then I don't want to hear it.

What does that mean? I think you left out the word "say".

Anyways please post the full poem. Now that I know what it's about I might be able to add some glowing praise.

Jimmyboss

Puerile crap, in my humble opinion.......don't give up the day job!!!!!!

Antilles

If you couldn't be bothered to review the poem before you submitted it then what makes you think we should bother to read it? Is your time so much valuable than ours? If you don’t care enough to review your work, then its insulting to ask other people to do so.

Also, if you're going to snap at people who raise valid points and say you "don't want to hear it," then why did you post it to a creative writing forum and why should anybody waste their time giving you a response?

Your poem is mediocre at best and your attitude is poor.

dawvee

This poem is just a string of clichés. I'm not sure if I can detect an original phrase or sentiment in it, to be honest.

ElizabethB wrote: »

Engrave your words on this blood filled light

First of all, this makes no literal sense. How do you engrave light? Even metaphorically it doesn't hold up. You've said the red light is a metonym for the Catholic church, and that's fine. It's not clear from the poem, but maybe subsequent stanzas establish the context better. But what words are being engraved into it? Into the Church institution or building? How? Why?

Also, cliché count: "Engrave your words" and "blood filled = red", so that's two.

ElizabethB wrote: »

On the alter of his 'happiness'

Spelling counts. Why? Because "altar" would set the context of a church, whereas "alter" reads like poetic shorthand for "alternative". In a good poem, literally every word counts, and using the wrong one can mean the difference between a stanza holding together poetically and failing miserably. Misspellings can even be used as a poetic device to create dissonance or defamiliarize a pat phrase or subject, so leaving an unintentional one in creates unnecessary confusion.

The irony here is that intentionally misspelling "altar" could have been poetically more interesting than the line you actually did intend. Which is a cliché. That's three.

ElizabethB wrote: »

on this bright but dark night.
Whisper your words in a silent scream

Ok, oxymoron. Fine, you meant it to be contradictory but revealing some greater underlying truth in the contradiction. Oh, wait. You forgot the last part. These are just contradictory. They reveal nothing. They are clichés. The "silent scream" line especially, which is so old and overused that as a poet, I find it genuinely offensive in a block of words claiming to be a poem. So that's five.

ElizabethB wrote: »

And turn your back to this cruel world.

Goodbye, cruel world! That's seven: one for "turn your back to..." and one for "cruel world".

ElizabethB wrote: »

Return, to your hope-filled dream.

"Hope-filled dream" is eight.

So the objection you might have is "Why does a cliché automatically invalidate it as poetry?" Well, it doesn't, it just invalidates it as good poetry. Clichés are death in poetry because good poetry hinges on the ability to stir thoughts and emotions in its readers. Clichés are blocks of well-worn language that accomplish exactly the opposite. You don't have to think about clichés; they're a known quantity. They're the 500mg paracetamol tablet where poetry is the candy-colored LSD tab from some shady fecker on the corner.

Good poetry should hook you and demand your attention. You won't know quite where it's going to end up by the last line. To be honest, I barely even had to read your poem to get all of its meaning. Once you mentioned that 'blood-filled light' is the Catholic church, the rest of it pretty much wrote itself, didn't it? And that's the problem.

kippy

I dont like the way this topic has gone, ElizabethB defo hasnt done him/herself any favours by taking the critique in a very negative way.
The last post was very informative but not something I myself would agree with.

I was able to follow the poem and until the poet actually told me what was going on the stanza I wasnt sure which direction it was heading.
I like the use of words and indeed the use of multiple cliches as the last poster puts it.
But each to their own.

ElizabethB

Guys I'm 16 years old. I am really into poetry and attempted to write poetry myself I am not used to boards, therefore I did not know you couldn't just put up one stanza. All I wanted was opinions to see if I was any use? I'm sorry if I didn't not take them well but I just found you were insulting me instead of actually telling me critique. After Reading these comments I do not think
I'll be continuing to attempt poetry because obviously I'm awful. There was spelling mistakes also because my laptop is broken so I use my iPod touch, which is awfully hard to write with. Thanks for your opinions guys anyways!

Antilles

dawvee wrote: »

Clichés are death in poetry because good poetry hinges on the ability to stir thoughts and emotions in its readers. Clichés are blocks of well-worn language that accomplish exactly the opposite. You don't have to think about clichés; they're a known quantity. They're the 500mg paracetamol tablet where poetry is the candy-colored LSD tab from some shady fecker on the corner.

If boards.ie had a "Quote of the Day" thread, I'd submit this.

ElizabethB

Also Dawvee,
I actually appreciate your comment. You took the time to give me your opinion. You definately know what you're talking about. Honestly, I did not realise I used clichés, I have not seen poetry with the words "Silent scream" in it because if I did I would not have used it. I would never use quotes from other peoples poetry. I'm quite sad over the fact that apparently I cannot write because I would love nothing more than to be a great poet. Thank you though.

Antilles

http://www.google.ie/#q=%2B%22silent+scream%22+%2Bpoetry&fp=7804f9cb66412a8c

dawvee

Not being a great poet at 16 is no reason to give up. Most teenagers write poetry, and pretty much all of it is terrible. The exceptions are so few as to not be worth mentioning. The ones who become great poets are the ones who apprehend the fact that they're terrible, try to figure out why, and work to become better. If you really want to become a great poet, I challenge you to do it.

First, you need to read lots and lots of poetry. Read great poetry, read good poetry, read awful poetry. Learn to tell the difference. Figure out what it is about this poem that absolutely sings, and what it is about that poem that makes you retch. Copy the sing-y ones shamelessly, scrupulously avoid making the same mistakes as the retch-y ones.

Before long you'll start thinking of random lines at random intervals that just make your skin tingle as you roll them around on your tongue. Keep a notebook. Write them down. Try to craft a poem around them, even though most of them will end up like a diamond set in ****e. Keep the good lines, edit the rest mercilessly. Throw it away if need be.

Finally, be brutally honest about assessing your own work. Take praise skeptically, and take criticism as a personal challenge. Become great. I dare you.

pickarooney

ElizabethB wrote: »

I'm quite sad over the fact that apparently I cannot write because I would love nothing more than to be a great poet. Thank you though.

The first time I picked up a tuba I couldn't play a note. So I had to decide to either give up the tuba or practise a bit.

ElizabethB

Thank you very much. I am definately going to take your advice. I suppose I just didn't know how to tackle poetry the right way? I was writing what came
to my head also and that was it. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me advice. It might just be the best advice I'll get in regards to poetry ha! Thanks again guys..sorry if I came across...unkind? Or touchy. It's hard being told I'm crap at something i'm passionate about, I hope the good comments come with the bad eventually !

Antilles

ElizabethB wrote: »

It's hard being told I'm crap at something i'm passionate about, I hope the good comments come with the bad eventually !

If you want to be a writer of any sort you'll have to get over this. The last story I gave to my first reader, she spoke for an entire hour (seemingly without taing a breath) outlining what was wrong with it, where I'd made mistakes and what didn't work. There wasn't a single positive comment in her feedback, but when I said I might just abandon the story since it was so bad, she said no, she loved it and couldn't wait to read the finished version.

pickarooney

The most useful feedback I ever got was this:

EileenG wrote:

If you want an incentive to cut it, try this. It's boring.

ElizabethB

It's just the thing is I don't know if I'm good at writing or not? Is there a point in continuing if I simply don't have a talent for it? Some have and some don't. I just don't know if I do.

dawvee

Talent and hard work are interchangeable. The only difference between 'naturally talented' folk and the rest of us is that they've learned to enjoy it.

Any time you see someone do something so well that they make it look easy, chances are good that the apparent effortlessness is only the result of years and years of blood, sweat and toil that they've put in.

FoxT

I didn't understand the poem at all,but it scans pretty well & for me at least it succeeds in painting a picture of violence, fear, and loss.

If you want to be a good poet ( or, in fact , if you want to be good at anything), enthusiasm is as important as talent - and I think you have both. Keep at it, & be the best that you can be.

Good luck!

midlandsmissus

Engrave your words on this blood filled light
On the alter of his 'happiness'
on this bright but dark night.
Whisper your words in a silent scream
And turn your back to this cruel world.
Return, to your hope-filled dream.

I really liked it ElizabethB! One person's opinion is not everyone's. Poetry is subjective, and I personally disagree that cliche's can not stir you emotionally.

I went through a very painful breakup a month ago with some-one I truly loved, I sat down shortly after and wrote a poem of the things that I was feeling deeply, it was very personal to me and I was crying whilst I wrote it. Yet when I posted it (on here!) I was told it read like a Valentine's Card and was riddled with cliches. Looking at it id did have cliches, and yet it really stirred me emotionally.

I happen to think that some cliches become cliches because they are the phrases that describe best what a person is feeling.

Back to your poem, it set the scene for me, and it stirred feelings in me, I think it is a good poem and am looking foward to hearing the rest.

The only thing I would suggest is that you change is the first line, as it does not make sense the way you have it written.

Best of luck!

ElizabethB

Thank you guys very much ! I didn't realise my first line did not make sense, it's just sometimes it's hard to get down on paper what you're thinking. I guess it just came out all wrong. I will continue to work in this poem as it holds an important message, for myself anyways.I will take everyones advice on board whilst working on this poem also. It's good to hear friendly comments! Thanks again!

gingernut79

I'd totally agree with the posters above, I wrote some terrible stuff at 16, 15 years later, I'm possibly a little better....

Bluefox21

Terrible stuff is a serious overstatement. I actually enjoyed it. Hard to make such an analysis on one stanza though

gingernut79

Bluefox21 wrote: »

Terrible stuff is a serious overstatement. I actually enjoyed it. Hard to make such an analysis on one stanza though[/QUOTE

I didnt mean the poem was necessarily terrible, I was drawing a personal comparison. just trying to be encouraging.

ElizabethB

Thanks guys! I do have other poems on this if yous would like to take a look? Instead of just looking at one stanza.

ElizabethB

Lord of Tale

Call upon an artificial god
For synthetic hope
Lie to yourself once again,
to help you cope.

A prayer of petition
Or a song of praise
Glory to your god
These are the days.

Times of want, more than need
A selfish strike within us
Feeds our daily greed
When will he learn?
When will come the truth
One mighty person,
shall pull this from the root.

This moment will come
All lies will end
Your god shall open his eyes
and broken souls will mend.

This is a poem I wrote a while back, have a look if you wish?

pinksoir

Just a word of advice; poetry doesn't need to rhyme. Concentrate on avoiding cliché. Rhyme and cliché are lazy writing, even if clichés are unintentional. Like dawvee says, read great, good and bad poetry and learn to tell the difference.

Here's an example of excellent poetry. Read it out loud slowly. Understand that every word is important. Every word is vital:

Considering The Snail

Tom Gunn

The snail pushes through a green
night, for the grass is heavy
with water and meets over
the bright path he makes, where rain
has darkened the earth's dark. He
moves in a wood of desire,

pale antlers barely stirring
as he hunts. I cannot tell
what power is at work, drenched there
with purpose, knowing nothing.
What is a snail's fury? All
I think is that if later

I parted the blades above
the tunnel and saw the thin
trail of broken white across
litter, I would never have
imagined the slow passion
to that deliberate progress.

ElizabethB

Thank you Pinksoir, I have read this poem out loud, and you're right it is an excellent poem!