Tired of the same old crap...

LegacyUser

Hi,
Maybe I should know the answer to this problem myself... basically, met a guy through indoor soccer a few months back. liked him the second I saw him. There wasnt' much socialising after the games, but the once or twice there was there was plenty of eye contact etc between us. Anyhow soccer came to an end, I was a bit disappointed as I felt there was definitely potential if we had had a proper opportunity to get chatting alone with perhaps a couple of drinks involved.
So, fast forward to last Friday night: spotted him in a nightclub, he saw me and waved and smiled to me. We bumped into each other, started chatting lots. Got the feeling he was keen, eye contact, and after the nightclub ended he suggested a few of us go back to his. He was sure to have me with him! back at his, he was playing the guitar a bit, drinking a bit and talking. He seems quite nervous, (he was definitely sober), and wasnt' very good at making any moves on me. His other friends left later on, so it was just the two of us. we were a bit more relaxed as time went on. All in all we were getting on really well. I felt good about it all. He suggested I stay over. I explained how I didn't sleep around, and he seems totally fine and pure gentleman like. He was really backward about coming forward though, I think he was embarrassed at how useless he was. I know from the soccer that he's fairly outgoing to it's not that he's just plain shy. ANyhow, we finally got it on. was great. he never said at any point "I like, or have liked you", but he implied it a few times, and joked wtih me about whether or not I liked anyone at soccer... He also said we should have come upstairs hours ago. All good. I definitely felt like he was into me. then he slept for a while, I didn't really sleep, never do in strange bed. Next morning all changed. He was really distant, back to the way he was earlier on in the night, and it was so awkward!! I felt like he wanted me out of there as soon as possible. Was really awkward. So he drove me home, and didn't mention anything about seeing me again. my heart sunk.

He was totally sober the whole night, so I cant' put his morning behaviour down to him being off his head when we went back to his.
I seem to have this type of thing happen to me loads and loads. I suppose what happened isn't the end of the world, but at some time it would be nice to have something good happen.
Boys: I'm sure there are many of you who have done similar to this guy, can you shed some light as to why men would do this....?

thanks for reading

Benincasa

OP: Your post is unclear. You say that you told him that you don't sleep around...and then you slept with him.

Did you actually have intercourse?

Look: if you make yourself available to a guy on the first night like this he may really like you and want to get a relationship going. Or he may just want to have his fun and assume that you are the type of girl who sleeps around, and thus not a good girlfriend for him.

Bottom line: sleeping with a guy the first night is generally not a good way of building a relationship.

greengiant09

i can only advise on the info you are giving me but it's seems pretty straight forward to me. he wanted to have sex with you and nothing more. even though guys might say they like you, etc....that doesn't necessarily mean they really do or to the extent where they see you as girl friend material. they may even say they really like you and lie just to sleep with you. it might sound bad but thats how the world can be. i wouldn't take it too personally but if you want something more than a ONS, then you should refrain from sleeping with someone on the first nite. i think men don't get too emotionally involved in having sex with someone....especially if they only met them that nite. they can literally do the deed and leave and not think about it again. well, thats just my opinion and i'm a guy.

LegacyUser

Hey dunno if it's any help on your situation but I thought I'd give it a shot.

I'm considered to be quite an outgoing person yet in actual fact I am very shy (or timid may be better to describe it). I've held eye contact with numerous girls I've liked and then never worked up the courage to talk to them. I've blown so many chances this way. I can be the centre of attention comfortably enough yet if a girl I find attractive meets and holds my gaze, I crumble like a house of cards. I know this can describe any number of guys my age (out of interest what age are you?) - I've just turned 22 about 2 weeks ago.

I had a girlfriend a while back. It ended for reasons I don't want to get into but I blew so many chances with her. She'd suggest we do stuff together that when I think about it, they were things that she was just making up to get some alone time with me but at the time, they made perfect sense to me - aka asking me to show her where something was when it was perfectly clear that she knew exactly where these things were.

I'm not saying I blew every chance - I wasn't THAT bad!! - but the point I'm making is, that I was nervous as hell and my head just wasn't working straight. I'm sure this is linked to self-esteem and insecurity issues I have but this is your topic, not mine:) Anyways, even though I was (and still am) head over heels crazy about her, I sometimes didn't take my chances because I didn't see them for what they were until afterwards and I looked back at what had happened while simultaneously searching for something to beat myself with.

Even when I tried to talk to her about my feelings for her, I'd clam up. I wouldn't be able to form the words I wanted. I don't want to remember the awkward silences we had were I was just sitting there saying nothing while she was patiently waiting for me to spit it out.

Point is, guys are stupid. I've let so many opportunities slip from my fingertips because I literally COULDN'T say what I wanted to. It's as if there's this wall inside me that I can't overcome, that won't let me open myself up to potential rejection and hurt.

So what I'm saying is that maybe he's similar to me. I know it goes against 'tradition' but maybe if you think he sounds similar to me, you could try asking him if there's anything there? If he's anything like me, he won't tell you himself. Or maybe he will 6 months later after you've forgotten about him:)

You say it was really awkward the next morning, maybe he felt embarrassed. Not that he slept with you, but that he was embarrassed about seeing you afterwards. It's hard to explain, it's not a slight on you at all, but I used to think that if I ever had a one night stand with someone, I'd be mortified if saw them the next morning. It's an irrational and unfounded fear but it was there. I actually had a one night stand once and I ran away the second she fell asleep. I also ran away from a girl once before I went back to her place. Don't ask me why I still don't know ha. I'm an idiot.

Anyways, the final thing. This is a lot longer than I intended:)

This is something that stands out to me:

He was totally sober the whole night

If that was me, and I was keeping eye contact with when I was sober and "seemed keen" then I was definitely into you. If he was wasted then maybe it's a different case but if I was sober, I wouldn't be glancing at girls I didn't like. I also get very nervous around girls I like too - so that's a good sign:) - all my "moves" (if I ever had any) go straight out the window. And embarrassed about coming forward, ye that's my MO too.

I hope it works out for you anyway. Let us know (if thats allowed, mods?)

RonFan

I can read this situation like a book. It's standard female behavior. They base the guys they're interested in on their physical attraction towards them. Women's high standards in that regard means that any guy they go for will think he can get any girl they want. Then, you expect him to want a relationship with you after dishing out sex on the first night.

I'm just surprised you didn't throw in a 'Why are all guys such arseholes'.

Distorted

Um, the way you describe it sounds a little like you pursued him and he wasn't that keen to have sex on the first night really, but you put him in a position where he would have been a wuss not to. Whats wrong with waiting? Particularly if this happens to you a lot and you don't like it? It might be that he never contacted you again, but since he probably isn't going to do so anyway, whats to be lost? Its like you kind of lost all mystery and intrigue in his eyes, which might have made him want to come back for more.

LegacyUser

I didn't 'sleep' with him!! Kissing only.
Just confused about the dramatic turn around the next morning. pure odd. like i said he wasn't drunk earlier in the night...

LegacyUser

You sound very young and a bit naive, simple answer is forget him and move on, he woke up and decided he didnt like this situation, classic behaviour, just accept that "he's just not into you" and dont try and understand the male brain too much...

LegacyUser

Jesus why is everyone being so harsh and judgemental on the OP?

Forget about this 'if you're the kind of girl that sleeps around..well... thats what you get' BS.
It's ridiculous. Your behaviour sounds totally normal. You didnt throw yourself at him or coerce him into kissing you. You waited for him to come onto you.

Ronfan, your post didn't even make any sense, i can't even reply to it it is so nonsensical.
'standard femal behaviour'? would you ever grow up?!

Distorted, he asked her to come back, he invited her to the bedroom, she waited for him to come onto her. What is with the judging on this board? he would have been a wuss not to kiss her? well thats his choice to be a 'wuss' (ridiculous by the way, how is choosing to kiss someone or not dependant on how much of a 'wuss' you are). There are two adults here. He asked her back. she accepted. he asked her upstairs. she accepted. they kissed. Nobody forced anyone to do anything.

He just sounds a bit nervous and shy to be honest. From the way you describe his behviour the night before it would make sense that in the cold light of day he didnt regret anything, but just didnt know what to do. I had a similar situation the first night i went back to my bfs house. He was REALLY inexperienced with girls, and was certainly no charmer, there was no breakfast or coffee in the morning but just 'well i gotta go to work, see you' but as i got to know him his confidence came out.

I wouldn't write him off but I would be patient with him, if you don't really know him, you can't answer the question of what he is feeling. I felt like my bf was pretty cold with me the morning after too, but i soon learnt that he just literally didnt know what to do, or how to be. I would put it down to a confidence/inexperience problem and take your time with him.

chainsaws

Hi OP.
He liked you and he had sex with you.
That's all it was.
A young guy who is outgoing and confident can attract women relatively easily and have sex with a different girl every single day if he likes.
The only way you will meet a guy who is boyfriend and perhaps hubbie material is to keep looking.
You have no way of knowing what kind of person people really are.
The sleazy guy who makes dirty jokes in the offices and makes crude attempts to chat up women could actually be really shy and lonely and behind the mask might be a real romantic.
The 'genuine' guy who everybody likes and makes women swoom might be a superficial serial womanizer who manipulates people to boost his ego.
It all depends.
This guy put up a nice front, sweet talked you and got you into bed. He knew you wanted him and he took advantage of the opportunity. He didn't have to tie you up. Nothing wrong with that. Sex is fun after all and nobody got hurt.
Don't feel bad. You had a memorable night didn't you?:)

Zen65

Y o Y wrote: »

I seem to have this type of thing happen to me loads and loads. I suppose what happened isn't the end of the world, but at some time it would be nice to have something good happen.

This did not happen to you. You were a willing participant, even if you chose to play a more passive role. The reality is that if you play the same role again in similar situations with other people, you can expect a high probability of the same result. Is that what you are saying that you've already experienced?

I suggest you re-read your OP, and look at how passive the language you use to describe yourself and your role in this story is. It's all about what he did, and what happened (to you). Where is the story of you in this?

Relationships between equals rarely start with one person just waitng for the other to make all the moves. You want different outcomes in your relationships, then play a different role. Ask him out, and then set the date & time. You pick where you go, and whether or not to go back to his or have him round to yours. Don't rush off to bed at the first chance (I know you didn't... unlike some posters here I did read your posts ) or you'll set the tone whereby maybe he will think you're just looking for a one-night.

Your life is mostly the result of the choices you make. If you don't like what happens when you play passive, stop playing passive.

Don't wait to have something nice happen, make something nice happen.

Find you, and be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Hi OP.
He liked you and he had sex with you.
That's all it was.
A young guy who is outgoing and confident can attract women relatively easily and have sex with a different girl every single day if he likes.
The only way you will meet a guy who is boyfriend and perhaps hubbie material is to keep looking.
You have no way of knowing what kind of person people really are.
The sleazy guy who makes dirty jokes in the offices and makes crude attempts to chat up women could actually be really shy and lonely and behind the mask might be a real romantic.
The 'genuine' guy who everybody likes and makes women swoom might be a superficial serial womanizer who manipulates people to boost his ego.
It all depends.
This guy put up a nice front, sweet talked you and got you into bed. He knew you wanted him and he took advantage of the opportunity. He didn't have to tie you up. Nothing wrong with that. Sex is fun after all and nobody got hurt.
Don't feel bad. You had a memorable night didn't you?

eh you do realise the OP said she never had sex with him? Why bother replying if you didn't even read the OPs posts?!

Op i'm slightly confused, you say he was drinking at the house, but also that he was totally sober? Maybe hes shy around women, some of the most confident men i've known have been a bundle of nerves around a girl they fancy, I remember going on a date with the most confident guy i've known, it took him 4 hours to work up the courage to kiss me! later on i asked him what had taken him so long and he said he said he really liked me and didn't want to make an eejit of himself if i knocked him back!

OP Some guys are just useless/nervous around women they like, no matter how confident they may seem, i fall into this boat myself (i'm a girl) I've no problem chatting up men/flirting with men that i'm not attracted to, but when it comes to a guy i like i just clam up. Also if he was drinking even just tipsy well then it may have been dutch courage which had disappeared when he woke up the next morning

I seem to have this type of thing happen to me loads and loads. I suppose what happened isn't the end of the world, but at some time it would be nice to have something good happen

OP i completely agree with Zen65 you seem to have spent the whole time analysing if HE liked YOU, maybe its a case that you become so caught up trying to figure out if these men like you, that you're not showing THEM any positive signs that YOU like THEM??

he never said at any point "I like, or have liked you", but he implied it a few times, and joked wtih me about whether or not I liked anyone at soccer...

Is it possible that he was thinking the same thing,(does she like me?), that you weren't actually giving him any signs of encouragement?? The joking about whether you liked anyone at soccer comment would seem that he was fishing for a positive sign that you fancied him.

I definitely felt like he was into me

OP i'm a big believer in gut feeling/intuition, if you felt this guy was into you, well then he probably was, but you have to take some chances in this life if you want "something good to happen". If this type of thing is becoming a pattern, then maybe you're not "putting yourself out there" enough, take some risks, show these men you're interested!!

So he drove me home, and didn't mention anything about seeing me again. my heart sunk.

Why didn't you ask him if he wanted to see you again?
Why didn't you ask him for his number at least?
Why didn't you offer him your number?

for all you know he could of been sitting there thinking "aw she never mentioned anything about seeing me again"

I'm not being harsh op, but you can't always expect the man to do the running, men are just as afraid of rejection as women...If somethings worth having then its worth pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, you have to show an interest at least!!

LegacyUser

Hi,

Qwertyqee: he had been drinking earlier in the night, but by the time we were alone he was on water, as was I, and we were both 100% sober.

Thanks for your comments though. to his 'did I like anyone at soccer' question, i replied : 'just one person'.

My gut said all was good before 'his sleep', afterwards my gut said he just wanted me out of of place asap, serious looking, arms folded when I drank tea. Although when he dropped me off, he smiled (brief warm smile I thought, opposite of the stone face a few min previous), and said 'I had a good time last night', then muttered something about if I was on facebook. I think it was probably the brush off...

THanks for comments though. The whole thing was a lesson if nothing else.