family excluding me

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this and it is more in the form of a venue to vent then it is for advice.

Both my sisters have always bullied and excluded me (and others). The eldest died a few years ago, she spread lies about me,(someone at her funeral actually said I wasn't half as bad as she had expected me to be!). The other one only bullies when she has an audience. She can be nice when she wants to be (or when she wants something) but once she has someone else around to perform to she is back on form. Mainly, the bullying takes the form of baiting me, which I have learned to ignore, sneering at my appearance and excluding me from plans.

My late sister's daughter is here on a visit. Saddly, she is a carbon copy of her mother and continues the tradition of treating me like a sack of ****, patronising me as though I am a child or a fool (despite the fact that I am her aunt the most well educated member of the entire family) and gleefully joining in with the exclusion. Of course, the two bitches have been out on the town together and took great pleasure in discussing there plans in front of me. They've just been here (I live with my father who is elderly) discussing their night out. Obviously I wouldn't want to go out with them anyway, it's just the nastiness of these people that baffles me.


I'm not a doormat, but when I have raised the issue in the past the sister becomes verbally abusive and aggresive, she once threatened to beat me up. My father becomes very distressed by this and blames me for causing trouble if I try to defend myself and I don't want to antagonise him as he is an old man now. However, he is not blind to what is happening and has never said anything to any of them, only to me if I get upset. I have often been reduced to tears by this. I have never done anything to them, it's just pure nastiness, and jealousy. I believe the one that died had some kind of personality disorder because she couldn't talk to anyone without lying (but that's just amature psychology on my part.)

Anyway, I'm handling it pretty well while the niece is here, I'm not letting it get to me as much as it had done in the past. But I am hurting, even though I know that their behaviour is nasty, ignorant and abusive and not my fault. She'll be gone soon and my sis will get back to being nice again, as she benefits from this.

I know when my dad dies I will have nothing more to do with them. Does anyone else have a family like this?

Neyite

hi lil'sis.

you seem to be treated very badly by your sister and your niece and it must feel horrible for you. i dont have direct experience of a situation like yours, but there is a book i read years ago that helped me with a situation i cant for the life of me remember the name of it, but there are plenty of others - 'that bitch book' and 'toxic women' - though i havent read these.

like you i was in a situation where i just couldnt get my head around how someone would be so deliberatly hurtful, and manipulative, and while the book reading didnt magic away the next verbal sparring, it let me step back and view the situations with a kind of 'aha, so thats why shes saying that crap' etc, as opposed to my previous 'but why?' attitude. i began to see the background as to why she was doing what she did, and gave me tips on how to respond. it feels so much better when you stand up for yourself a bit, or are able to laugh inwardly about their latest attempt at upsetting the apple cart.

your dad is too old now and probably set in his ways to address this for you, and honestly, i dont see the point in bringing it up with your sister again - telling her how you feel might only give her ammunition for the next round? she doenst sound like she wants to change, and you cant make her, but you can change how little you let her hurt you anymore.

hope it helps

LegacyUser

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. As I said at the outset, it was more for the need to vent that I posted. Having said that, your response is welcome.

I wouldn't dream of raising it with my father now, of course, she knows this and this is why it continues. There was a time when he wasn't so old and could have voiced his disapproval ( he has voiced it me, often) but didn't. One such incident was when the sisters organised a big family meal, loads of people invited, cousins etc, and excluded me. He was raging but said nothing and went and enjoyed his meal. This amounts to tacit approval IMO.

I have read similar books. As I'm no psychologist I can't really say if they reflect whats going with the women in the family. I don't tend to ask why are they are behaving like this, I know it's 'cos they have issues. What I don't understand is why I am the target.

I do rise above it, on the outside at least. I try and deal with it by promising myself never to behave in such a mean spiritied, nasty way myself. This gives me a bit of an internal boost. For all of that, though, when your family rejects you for no apparent reason the wound runs very deep, and while I can modify my behaviour and response the pain is sharp and deep.

Wagon

Are you looking after your dad? Or is there any way you can move out? Know it's easier said than done.

Linoge

Did your mother die when your sister was a teenager by any chance?

Both of your sisters could have (had) Borderline Personality Disorder, most likely along with another disorder.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

Were you always the responsible one in the house, always looking after things and your father, and even them?

I think whats more important than understanding the situation is removing yourself from the situation.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replying

@linoge. Our mother died when we were adults, I am the youngest. The link you posted sounds nothing like either of them TBH. But thanks, it was an interesting read. If you were to meet them you'd think they were fantastic! The way they treat me ( and a few other "chosen ones") is/was their dirty little secret. You and Wagon are right about getting out of the situation. Easier said than done at the moment though.

Would be interested in what criteria people like this use to choose a victim, and why other's witness it and say nothing. My life has made me intervene at the slightest hint of bullying of others.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

While I don't relate to exact situation I can relate to unhealthy family dynamics. I have some very badly behaved siblings who throw tantrums when they are not getting their own way and apply a complete double standard to every situation. They can snap your head off for making an enquiry as to how they are but if I did the same I am pulled up on it. I always feel damned if you do damned if you don't. my strategy was to keep a safe distance to protect myself which meant I was isolated a lot of the time. it was also used against me in terms of you are so distant you are not interested in us.

My parents were very conflict avoidant so this bad behaviour/double standard was never addressed. While I do not blame my parents entirely their hands off approach allowed my siblings free reign to behave as they wish.

My advice don;t take on other people's crap. happy people don't want or need others to be hurting or bullied to feel good about themselves. Obviously your sisters are not happy people and I would hazard a guess that they are jealous of you. I found out recently that one of my sisters who appears on the surface to have it all was jealous of me over silly things like me being thinner than her.

Other advice: take on a new tack. if you always react in the same way to the baiting etc they are going to keep it up. I noticed myself I would go into silent victim mode and be waiting for the negative vibes etc. So without realising it I was feeding into the unhealthy dynamic. So I do things differently now. if you always stay and take it try leaving or simply saying "I am not going to listen to your bullying". Don't be the victim. Use your intuition, own what is yours and don't take on others crap. If my sister was being rude to me I used to think I had done something wrong. Now I know it's her not me.

Last advice: the best way to get even is to concentrate on your own happiness be the best you you can be. Don't waste your energy trying to figure out and change people you can't you can only change yourself or your own reactions.

Children adopt roles in a family early on. X is like this which becomes acceptable behaviour for them. I am not sure what your role is maybe the scapegoat or something. One of my siblings once said "you get a lot of **** because you seem strong and can take it".

Parents often know what is going on but bury their head in the sand for a quiet life. others don't want to rock the boat or are afraid to challenge others. I know its infuriating and hurtful but put yourself first and do what's right for you. I know how tough so I wish you strength and lots of it.

Sardonicat

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