ex photos in his wallet

LegacyUser

hi all, i need help here... bit of background...I'm with OH nearly 3 years and i'm 6 months pregnant with our 1st baby. before me he was in a 9 year relationship with a girl from his home town... this finished about 2 years before i met him.
i do know it took him a long time to get over her, i even broke it off with him 3 months after dating him cos he constantly went on about her....
but got back together after a few months and he's stopped all that...
today, i was waiting in the car for him he was playing tennis with his friend so i got bored and started nosing around stuff in the car... so i found 4 small pics of his ex in his wallet...

so do i confront him with this and get given out to for snooping or do i say nothing and hope it doesn't eat away at me.... i'm just afraid he may still have feelings for her.

star-pants

It's a tough one in a sense of admitting you were snooping vs asking the question you want to ask.
Just my view, but clearly this ex is an issue for both of you, you mention he took a long time to get past her (Even when with you), obviously everyone takes their own time getting over someone, and ye took a break & solved that issue.

But you are with him 3 years, they broke up 2 years previous. So FIVE years later he still has photos (four of them, not just one) in his wallet?... I'm sorry but that's just really really odd. Were there any photos of you?
Tbh if I happened to flick open my bfs wallet & found photos of an ex I'd be pretty upset. Whatever about keeping photos on a laptop or in a drawer, of holidays or nights out etc, memories of your life, that's fine. But carrying them around with you in your wallet is another thing.

I'd just say what you've said here, you were bored waiting for him n you were just flicking through things & found them & you're confused & could he explain to you why he's got those photos in there?

At the end of the day, I don't think it's something you can just 'forget' and it's something that isn't normal. You don't want to make a massive issue out of it, you just want an explanation which is fair. So if it were me, I'd want to know, and whilst admitting you rooted through his wallet, I think it's worth admitting to find out the truth.

Again, just my view.

Miss Fluff

I'd talk to him about it tbh, you're carrying his child and deserve an explanation in fairness.

Neyite

he shouldnt have pictures of her in his wallet after all this time.

if it were me in your shoes, i would subsitute them for pictures of you, and/or your bump, and say nothing. he is not going to ask you for them back. if he does, hes an idiot.

I very much agree with the people who say talk to him about it. But maybe not as they mean it.

Pictures in his wallet means the girl still means something to him. This much is clear. However WHAT that person means to him is NOT so clear. Pictures in a wallet do not always mean “I still want to be with that person” which is OF COURSE what we all think of when we find such a thing.

But I am with the girls of my dreams and the people I carry around in my wallet are not those girls. They are the pictures of girls that inspire or inspired me to be the person I am today. I carry them with me not because I want to be with them more than the girls I am with now.... but because those girls are a part of who I am today.... and hence a part of the person I give to those that I now love.

Do not read this of course like it tells you what pictures in YOUR partners wallet mean... I only tell you my story to tell you that pictures in a wallet mean something different to everyone who carries them. Your objective is not yet to be challenged or put out by this... but to see it as something else to learn about the person you love.... for better or for worse.

From my heart I wish you the "better" but even learning "worse" is a learning. Learn do not challange. My heart goes with you.

LegacyUser

Hi. I dont know. I found out an ex still has nude photos and a video of me on his phone and computer. It ended three years ago. He had to see me recently for something and he told me he looked at them all again to reacquaint himself. The way he said it made it sound perfectly normal, but now that I think about it - YES ITS WEIRD but I guarantee you the feelings are gone. I dont know if that makes you feel better.

Sinfonia

Unless he's one of these guys that's a wallet pack-rat (and they do exist, stuff just left in the wallet for years on end, never getting cleared out), then it's very strange for those pictures to be in there. It's strange either way, really. I could maaaybe see the point if, say, he had a child already with this woman and the picture was of both of them or something.

Anyway, I would ask, admitting that you snooped. Just be straightforward, no particular tone, really just being honest in saying that you found it weird. If he gets angry/defensive/how dare you etc. he's probably just - consciously or subconsciously - drawing attention away from a question he doesn't know how (or is afraid) to answer.
To be honest, if you can't sit down and talk things through, the questions in your own head will be far more destructive to the relationship than anything else.

Zen65

confusedandannoyed wrote: »

. so i found 4 small pics of his ex in his wallet...

Hmm, I rarely clear out my wallet..... I've had pics there for years which I never once looked at (all pics of my wife & kids, as it happens).

I would not rush to read too much into it, but it's something the two of you should talk about since it's upsetting you.

Be at peace,

Z

Sardonicat

There is no excuse for poking through his personal posessions, especially where he keeps his money!

Wouldn't read anything into it. He was with this woman for a long, long time. The difficulty he had getting over their break-up indicates how important she was to his life. He is entitled to keep pictures of his ex in a private place where it doesn't upset you. Why should he wipe her from his memory completely?

He is with you. He is having a child with you. What is a couple of pictures compared to that?

Good luck explaining what you were doing in his wallet

seenitall

Neyite wrote: »

he shouldnt have pictures of her in his wallet after all this time.

if it were me in your shoes, i would subsitute them for pictures of you, and/or your bump, and say nothing. he is not going to ask you for them back. if he does, hes an idiot.

Baaaaad advice. What would doing that achieve exactly? I mean, beside the building up of resentment for private property being rifled through and items stolen? Serious breach of personal boundaries.

You can talk to your b/f about this, as others suggest, to put your mind at ease as he will then reassure you that he loves only you, etc. Other than that, this is one of those things in life for which there are no solutions, I think. Just get on with your life, it sounds like you have a lot to look forward to.

Best wishes.

rsta

Say it to him. Tell him your not comfortable with him carrying pictures of his ex around with him.

He might have forgot he has those pics in his wallet?

Neyite

seenitall wrote: »

Baaaaad advice. What would doing that achieve exactly?

so its bad advice to say that he should not have them in his wallet??
its bad advice to tell her to do what he should have done years ago, and replace the pictures of an ex with the woman he is with?? who is carrying his child?? seriously??

items stolen - please...its pictures, she can give them to him if she wants, not steal them. i never said she should steal them. its reminding him where his priorities should be, and should have been for years now.

what it would achieve is, in answer to your question, is that if he looks at them on a regular basis then he knows his girlfriend replaced them, and he will sure as hell know why. if he does not notice, then hes obviously a pack rat and forgotton they are there, in which case he wont notice, now will he??

the only thing i agree with in your entire post is that it is a serious breach of personal boundaries - hers, though, not his.

she is having a baby with this man, and he owes it to her to be solidly beside her so frankly, screw his personal boundaries here, she didnt hack into his email, she looked in a wallet. woo hoo. myself and my OH are in and out of each others wallets on a daily basis, getting change, taking money for groceries, using cards etc. thats just the way we are.

Sardonicat

Neyite wrote: »

so its bad advice to say that he should not have them in his wallet??
its bad advice to tell her to do what he should have done years ago, and replace the pictures of an ex with the woman he is with?? who is carrying his child?? seriously??

items stolen - please...its pictures, she can give them to him if she wants, not steal them. i never said she should steal them. its reminding him where his priorities should be, and should have been for years now.

what it would achieve is, in answer to your question, is that if he looks at them on a regular basis then he knows his girlfriend replaced them, and he will sure as hell know why. if he does not notice, then hes obviously a pack rat and forgotton they are there, in which case he wont notice, now will he??

the only thing i agree with in your entire post is that it is a serious breach of personal boundaries - hers, though, not his.

she is having a baby with this man, and he owes it to her to be solidly beside her so frankly, screw his personal boundaries here, she didnt hack into his email, she looked in a wallet. woo hoo. myself and my OH are in and out of each others wallets on a daily basis, getting change, taking money for groceries, using cards etc. thats just the way we are.

He is entitled to carry around momentoes of a very long period of his past. He keeps them in his wallet, an absolutely private place, where they won't hurt his girlfriend. No-one has a right to rifle through your wallet without permission and I would consider someone doing that to be much, much more disrespectful than keeping a few pictures of an old flame. Just because he has these photos does not mean he is not commited to his current girl and baby. How have her boundaries been invaded?

Anyone who would say "screw his personal boundaries" about their partner has a few control issues, imo.

Moomoo1

this is hard to judge out of context though. For some reason the OP is feeling insecure about the fact that he still wants the ex back. And the photos are probably a tiny part of the reasons for this insecurity.

by themselves they mean nothing - yeah, it's a part of his life, why not carry them as a memory? But I wonder if it's a part of a bigger picture that's making the OP insecure, a sort of manifestation.

Neyite

Sardonicat wrote: »

He is entitled to carry around momentoes of a very long period of his past. He keeps them in his wallet, an absolutely private place, where they won't hurt his girlfriend. No-one has a right to rifle through your wallet without permission and I would consider someone doing that to be much, much more disrespectful than keeping a few pictures of an old flame. Just because he has these photos does not mean he is not commited to his current girl and baby. How have her boundaries been invaded?

Anyone who would say "screw his personal boundaries" about their partner has a few control issues, imo.

Sardionicat - i would appreciate if you lay off the personal comments about me.i never said that about my partner, i said it about this guy in this situation. i dont have control issues of any sort, but i dont have to explain myself to you. we clearly think differently about this situation but your comment is mean.


firstly - she has been very very understanding about this ex, and gave him a lot of time during their relationship to get fully over it, and in 3 years this is the first time she looked in his wallet. (otherwise she would have found them) she wasnt even snooping or anything, she was bored and waiting in a car. so i would be more inclined to put this 'massive breach of privacy' down to pregnancy hormones which can range from slightly unusual to off the wall depending.

so y'know what, give the poor girl a break. in 3 months she is having a baby for him. this ex has been a big shadow over this relationship for long enough and she deserves for him to put it fully in the past for her and her baby.

seenitall

Neyite wrote: »

so its bad advice to say that he should not have them in his wallet??
its bad advice to tell her to do what he should have done years ago, and replace the pictures of an ex with the woman he is with?? who is carrying his child?? seriously??

items stolen - please...its pictures, she can give them to him if she wants, not steal them. i never said she should steal them. its reminding him where his priorities should be, and should have been for years now.

what it would achieve is, in answer to your question, is that if he looks at them on a regular basis then he knows his girlfriend replaced them, and he will sure as hell know why. if he does not notice, then hes obviously a pack rat and forgotton they are there, in which case he wont notice, now will he??

the only thing i agree with in your entire post is that it is a serious breach of personal boundaries - hers, though, not his.

she is having a baby with this man, and he owes it to her to be solidly beside her so frankly, screw his personal boundaries here, she didnt hack into his email, she looked in a wallet. woo hoo. myself and my OH are in and out of each others wallets on a daily basis, getting change, taking money for groceries, using cards etc. thats just the way we are.

You cannot be for real! :eek: I was just left mouth agape at your post, which doesn't happen with me often.

Sardonicat beat me to answering your ridiculous suppositions on how to treat a partner's peronal property; the fact that you have your OH pssuywhipped into accepting going through his wallet doesn't mean that every guy would let you do that. You are right, "this is just the way you are".

For my part I would be seriously pised off if an OH went through my wallet, even the control freaks I used to be with never did that (except one, but he didn't last, obviously...).

Anyone who can utter a phrase like "screw his personal boundaries" obviously still has a lot to learn just how much respect for them counts for in a relationship.

Neyite

For someone who champions someone’s personal boundaries when it comes to wallets, you both are very free with the horrible personal comments about me and my partner.

Ive already explained that we have the type of relationship built on mutual respect and where he is in and out of my wallet on a daily basis – we pool our money, know each others pin numbers etc. if he needs change for the bus, or use my bank card for the groceries he goes into my wallet and its fine by me and vice versa. We jointly own property, cars, bank accounts. And pretty much everything else thats in our home. Its been like that for years now and we are both happy with that.

Of course it does not apply to every relationship out there, i never said it did- If your relationship is different to mine that’s fine with me, im not going to judge you, or make personal horrible comments and speculate about you or your partner. Unlike you and Sardioncatl.

My OH has a box of personal stuff, which i’ve never looked in, nor do i care to look in. it’s his business entirely, and i presume that if he wants pictures of his ex, then that’s where they would likely to be. if i was a ‘control freak’ or he was ‘pussywhipped’ or ‘screwed his personal boundaries’ then i would have looked in it years ago. However, if he was carrying around 4 pictures of his ex, after making that commitment to me and starting a family, then i would question why he needs to carry around pictures of his ex on a daily basis. And if i was due his baby in a few weeks then yes, i would say that his personal boundaries in this case come second to knowing is he solidly with me in this pregnancy or not. You might not think that way. You might be more concerned about a wallet. Again fine. I don’t judge.

I personally do not think that going through his wallet is such a big deal that it eclipses the issue of the ex photos. You disagree. Fine. The OP can disregard my advice all she wants, it’s her prerogative.


@OP
As you can see, there is no universal opinion, there are several on here who have given you their view on if it happened in their relationship, such as TaxAHCruel Zen65 and myself – all quite different approaches, and I hope that the differing opinions have given you a few sides of the argument to help you make up your mind on this, good luck in your relationship and with your new baby.

seenitall

If we are allowed our personal opinions, then my personal opinion that your OH is p-whipped shouldn't bother you extensively; at the end of the day, if you have a functioning relationship, that is all that matters, however surely I am still allowed to express my opinion on it, since it was you yourself who brought it into the discussion in the first place?

(I do apologise if you think it a horrible personal comment, though; I am not posting on these threads with the intention of hurting or annoying anyone.)

You are still missing the point though, as this sentence of your suggests: "his personal boundaries in this case come second to knowing is he solidly with me in this pregnancy or not". The point being, of course, that "solidly being with someone" in a pregnancy has absolutely zero to do with photos in a wallet or indeed how they feel about their ex.

One can never have the feelings of another person at their disposal. It is an impossibility. Feelings are ungovernable, except by the person who has them themselves, and even that is very questionable, as many threads on PI/RI forums will attest.

It is SO enough for a responsible and caring man to make sure his g/f and baby are taken care of and loved, and if he still carries a bit of a torch for another woman, well, that is something that happens in life too, and no amount of getting rid of photos in wallets will make things any "better" or erase his feelings.

I always abide by the old adage of actions speaking louder than words (or photos in wallets) - if what he does is consistent with what any father-to-be who loves his OH would do, then photos in a wallet won't change that either.

Other than that, obviously, I have to agree to disagree on the personal boundaries issue. I would strongly advise the OP to resist any probable temptation of tampering with her OH's belongings in his wallet - unless her relationship with her OH is akin to the one that Neyite has with hers.

rsta

I just want to add to my post yesterday. I think old photos of ex's should just be put in a box in a cupboard and marked 'the past'.

Maybe not literally marked 'the past' but you get what I mean!

Give him the benefit of doubt, I still think its possible he has just forgotten those photos are there...

Maybe buy him a new wallet for Christmas this year? Make sure you have some photos of the two of you to hand, for him to put in the new wallet

Neyite

wrote:

If we are allowed our personal opinions, then my personal opinion that your OH is p-whipped shouldn't bother you extensively; at the end of the day, if you have a functioning relationship, that is all that matters, however surely I am still allowed to express my opinion on it, since it was you yourself who brought it into the discussion in the first place? .

You are right here. I did mention him, and in hindsight it was wrong of me to hang him out here to be judged since he is not a boards poster, or boards user. I had brought him up here in order to demonstrate that every couple have their own rules on what is acceptable and what is not. Your personal opinion does not bother me as it would be very much changed if you knew him. He is very much his own man, and would never stick around to be pussywhipped.

wrote:

(I do apologise if you think it a horrible personal comment, though; I am not posting on these threads with the intention of hurting or annoying anyone.) .

Thank you for this. i appreciate it

wrote:

You are still missing the point though, as this sentence of your suggests: "his personal boundaries in this case come second to knowing is he solidly with me in this pregnancy or not". The point being, of course, that "solidly being with someone" in a pregnancy has absolutely zero to do with photos in a wallet or indeed how they feel about their ex. .

I get your point and I agree with this to a certain extent, but this ex was a major factor at the start of the relationship here, and probably the OP thought it was all in the past, and now, finding the pictures, her head is in a bit of a spin. she may not normally be emotional about things like this, but add in pregnancy hormonal cocktail, and its not a nice position to be in.

wrote:

One can never have the feelings of another person at their disposal. It is an impossibility. Feelings are ungovernable, except by the person who has them themselves, and even that is very questionable, as many threads on PI/RI forums will attest. .

I agree completely.

wrote:

It is SO enough for a responsible and caring man to make sure his g/f and baby are taken care of and loved, and if he still carries a bit of a torch for another woman, well, that is something that happens in life too, and no amount of getting rid of photos in wallets will make things any "better" or erase his feelings.

Again, I agree, mostly, i think that the photos brought up the feelings of uncertainty from their early days and thats what she is trying to deal with here. And its great that you are confident enough that finding out your partner carries around pictures of an ex wouldn’t bother you in the least, but not everybody has that confidence. i personally would be very hurt.

wrote:

I always abide by the old adage of actions speaking louder than words (or photos in wallets) - if what he does is consistent with what any father-to-be who loves his OH would do, then photos in a wallet won't change that either.

Agree absolutely. But does he have to carry around the pictures every single day? i would be asking this and why they are not in a box somewhere.

wrote:

Other than that, obviously, I have to agree to disagree on the personal boundaries issue. I would strongly advise the OP to resist any probable temptation of tampering with her OH's belongings in his wallet - unless her relationship with her OH is akin to the one that Neyite has with hers. .

Well yes, in hindsight, my initial advice lacked proper communication.

And if i were to amend it, i would say to the OP to discuss it with her partner, and try to keep the two issues – personal boundaries – and -her questions about the pictures- as separate things to be discussed. Granted, she should apologise if going into the wallet is a breach of privacy in their relationship, and promise not to do it again, in return, he should really reassure her of where his feelings currently stand with both her and the ex. Its the decent thing to do.

LegacyUser

hi all, thanks for your replies... it is kind of a catch 22 situation. Neyite, i had thought about moving the photos, not taking them, just moving them into his press where he keeps all his documents and see how long it takes him to notice...but i can't do it and i wouldn't have the patience to not think about it until then....i'd also be half afraid he'd accuse me of snooping in his press as well, which i've never done.

On one side i feel really guilty for even looking in there, but it was out of pure boredom, nothing else. i wasn't trying to check up on him but i don't know if he'll see it that way.... i know she was around before me and i've no right to tell him what he can put in his wallet... on the other hand i'm sick of playing 2nd fiddle, even tho she's not discussed anymore i feel like it's always there in the background, like he'll never be that happy with me (my hormones could be contributing to these feelings!)... when he did talk about her before he made out that they had this perfect life together and really put the point across that he loved her when they were together. This hurt me a lot and he knew it so he stopped talking about her.

My OH is very neat and tidy... he doesn't let junk build up and his wallet is very organised so i find it hard to believe that he's forgotten the pics are in there.
i'm going to bite the bullet and confront him... i have to because i know it will niggle away and wreck my head. i just need to know if he still has feelings for her.
i'm very afraid of the answers i'll get back.
wish me luck!

Sardonicat

Neyite wrote: »

Sardionicat - i would appreciate if you lay off the personal comments about me.i never said that about my partner, i said it about this guy in this situation. i dont have control issues of any sort, but i dont have to explain myself to you. we clearly think differently about this situation but your comment is mean.


firstly - she has been very very understanding about this ex, and gave him a lot of time during their relationship to get fully over it, and in 3 years this is the first time she looked in his wallet. (otherwise she would have found them) she wasnt even snooping or anything, she was bored and waiting in a car. so i would be more inclined to put this 'massive breach of privacy' down to pregnancy hormones which can range from slightly unusual to off the wall depending.

so y'know what, give the poor girl a break. in 3 months she is having a baby for him. this ex has been a big shadow over this relationship for long enough and she deserves for him to put it fully in the past for her and her baby.

I made not one personal comment. I never said that you disregarded your boyfriend's boundaries. Go back and read the post before you start throwng accusations around. I suggested that someone who would disregard their partner's boundaries had control issues.

Elle Collins

Having old photos I can understand - humping them around in his wallet I absolutely can't. I'd be very worried OP if I were you, and I wouldn't be listening to any of the BS about his possibly not knowing what was in his own wallet either.

Neyite

Sardonicat wrote: »

Go back and read the post before you start throwng accusations around.

fair enough.

Sardonicat wrote: »

Anyone who would say "screw his personal boundaries" about their partner has a few control issues, imo.

you mean this? i was the one who said 'screw his personal boundaries'. Who has the control issues you were referring to in the post above if it is not me persoally that you are referring to?

Neyite

OPHeRe wrote: »

hi all, thanks for your replies... it is kind of a catch 22 situation. Neyite, i had thought about moving the photos, not taking them, just moving them into his press where he keeps all his documents and see how long it takes him to notice...but i can't do it and i wouldn't have the patience to not think about it until then....i'd also be half afraid he'd accuse me of snooping in his press as well, which i've never done.

On one side i feel really guilty for even looking in there, but it was out of pure boredom, nothing else. i wasn't trying to check up on him but i don't know if he'll see it that way.... i know she was around before me and i've no right to tell him what he can put in his wallet... on the other hand i'm sick of playing 2nd fiddle, even tho she's not discussed anymore i feel like it's always there in the background, like he'll never be that happy with me (my hormones could be contributing to these feelings!)... when he did talk about her before he made out that they had this perfect life together and really put the point across that he loved her when they were together. This hurt me a lot and he knew it so he stopped talking about her.

My OH is very neat and tidy... he doesn't let junk build up and his wallet is very organised so i find it hard to believe that he's forgotten the pics are in there.
i'm going to bite the bullet and confront him... i have to because i know it will niggle away and wreck my head. i just need to know if he still has feelings for her.
i'm very afraid of the answers i'll get back.
wish me luck!

good luck - i hope it all goes well for you. i know where you are coming from - i would love to tell you more, but hope you can understand why im not going to put it up here

you know your OH best, and you are right to talk to him about this. it will only fester and grow bigger in your head if you dont. you need to know about this ex once and for all, and i get that. *hugs*

Silverfish

Please keep replies on-topic and helpful to the OP.

Thank you.