Somebody who is always late and chaotic: any solution?

LegacyUser

I'll make this relatively short, as it could be too long otherwise.

Is there any hints/books/resources/therapy or anything which could help somebody who is always late for everything, puts everything on the long finger and is just generally chaotic and "last minute" about everything.

The drama will be the death of me. It starts in the morning with "Oh my God, I can't believe it's that time" followed by impatience and intolerance of everybody else on the road on the way to work (I'm driving). It is nothing if not predictable. Sorry, it is something else: deeply stressful for the person (i.e. me) who has to put up with it.

It reaches all aspects of our life; flights being missed and paying a premium for a new one and, most recently (in the past 24 hours) turning up for a wedding over an hour after the meal was supposed to be served, while I sat there on my own knowing nobody (it was one of her friend's wedding). I spend a huge proportion of our life together waiting for her.

I don't know whether this chaos is ingrained, psychological or what, but I sincerely hope it's a bad habit that can be changed. She is very much a "repeat offender", apologising with the usual "I didn't think" etc. The more I go through it the more I think it's like some sort of addiction that wreaks emotional, social (and financial) havoc in our relationship. It is deeply, deeply stressful for me to go through this each day. I want it to stop, for our relationship to become calm, stable and more organised. I love her to bits. Therein lies my dilemma.

Anybody know of any possible help for somebody like this to become more conscious of time?

tenchi-fan

This might sound obvious.. but be early rather than being on time.

You don't need a book to tell you this. I never missed a bus in my life I don't think and I commute every day! Just aim to arrive 15-30 mins early and have a cup of coffee and read the paper while you're waiting.

In the airport, arrive ridiculously early - an hour or 2. Use the opportunity to have a beer and watch everyone else scrambling about like headless chickens. Perhaps do a bit of airport shopping - buy a book, magazine, etc. Make being early part of the social occassion

Also - prepare. Have the clothes you are going to wear set out from the night before, consider showering the night before too. Make sure your keys, wallet and phone are all in the one place so you can pick them up on the way out the door.

Giblet

This isn't her being conscious of time, but being allowed to get away with it. I would LEAVE on my own instead of waiting. She misses a flight? Too bad, she can pay the premium for the later one, while you go on your own. You haven't set her limits, instead accommodating her instead. You meet her for coffee and she's late? Go home!

She'll learn fast unless she is a complete idiot.

krudler

My granddad always used to tell me "its better to be a half hour early than 5 minutes late" he'd be the kind of guy who would be taking a trip Monday morning and have his bag packed the week before.

Everyone gets held up or sidetracked or stuck in traffic or whatever runs a few mins late, thats life, but people who are CONSTANTLY late for everything piss me right off. its basic decency to be somewhere at a an agreed time , not an hour later with no excuse, if you cant make the time, dont make plans to begin with.

The airport thing baffles me, your flight it as 2pm, arrive at 12.00 the latest, between getting checked in, grabbing anything you need to buy, getting through security (especially in big airports) and getting boarded it takes well over an hour if not more.

Or the cinema, you know the time the movie starts, its 8pm, dont arrive at 8.10, when the film has already started then spend ages moaning you cant get decent seats.

dellas1979

It took me to the last paragraph to realise that you are talking about your girlfriend/partner...it wasnt very clear.

Anyhoo, it sounds like a time management issue.

Its like all good problems really, you can buy all the books in the world/advice etc but she is the only one that can take it on board (or not).

Have you expressed to her how upsetting this is?
I think talking to her/confronting her about it may be the only solution - it kills two birds with one stone i.e. either she is bad time keeping or as you said loves the drama.

If it genuinely is a simple time mismanagement issue, then here are plently of tricks like setting the clock 5 mins earlier, getting a mobile phone that allows you to put in reminders, reminder on her laptop, a board and marker in the kitchen (most used room).

You need to find out what exactly is going on.

Neyite

my god, how can she be late for the meal of a wedding - its usually hours after the ceremony. it sounds though that she faffs around, while you get stressed and stressed waiting and worrying about being late while she knows that you will wait for her regardless, so doesnt care.

if you are late on a daily basis going to work, give her a countdown - its what parents do to toddlers - eg - half an hour say '30 mins until we go', and every 10 mins. then go. if she has to do her makeup in the car, or not do her hair, so be it, she was warned, so leave without her.

as long as you hang on for her, you enable her behaviour. if she has to get a bus, or explain to her boss that she missed her lift, so be it. do a month of countdowns, then stop. tell her straight, that you are leaving at x o'clock, and if she is not sitting in the car, you will leave without her. and stick to it.

dont entertain her moods on this either - if she is foul humour because she is late, then its her problem. tell her you dont want to hear it, she brought it on herself, and you want to listen to the radio.

with regards to flights. refuse to tell her the departure time. just tell her when you need to leave/check in/get to departure gate. and add on as much time as you think you need to allow for her tardiness.

part of growing up is learning to be on time, and being organised. she needs to do this for herself, she should have learned this years ago in school. it sounds like she always must have had a grown up doing this for her, but shes the grown up now, and needs to do this for herself.

Cheap Thrills!

Stop enabling her ffs! And she might learn a lesson by having to feel the consequences of her actions.

Stop giving her a lift to work, if she is late for something leave without her.

You are currently babying her and making it worse.

She doesn't need a book, she needs a reality check. It's not your job to sort her out. It's her own.

LegacyUser

Seriously, this sounds like an issue for a professional. The person sounds like she has problems managing abstract notions like time, organisation, maths, how long it actually takes to do so and so....we are not allowed to make a diagnosis here [and rightly so] but check further into this, my advice.

dan_d

Op...this one's on you. If you want to fix this, you have to do something, because she evidently has no problem with the way she's behaving, so why would she fix it?

For starters tell her the starting time is a good half hour earlier than usual. Tell her you are picking her up 15 mins earlier than you are.

If she is not on time after that, stop waiting. Give her 5 minutes in the morning and that's it - leave. Do it a few times and she'll cop on pretty quick. As for the wedding....."if you're not there by (half hour before time), I'll wait 5 minutes, and then I'll go home, because I won't know anybody and it's your friend".

She has no incentive to change, you keep letting her away with it, waiting for her, paying for the flights. Just once...you get on the flight and let her miss it and get the next one - she won't do it again.

It's got to come from you OP, because as long as people keep suiting her when this happens, she's got no reason to change.

Moomoo1

krudler wrote: »

My granddad always used to tell me "its better to be a half hour early than 5 minutes late" he'd be the kind of guy who would be taking a trip Monday morning and have his bag packed the week before.

those people can be a nightmare too though - but of the opposite kind

my grandfather was like that (still is). If you don't leave at his time (which is sometimes hours before anyone else's) he just starts panicking.

Daisy Steiner

I used to be best friends with someone like this. I got tired of constantly being an extra in their life.

In my case, she did it for the attention, plain and simple "oh I'm so bohemian and mad that time means nothing to me aren't I fab what a great story this will make" etc etc.


OP have you had this conversation with her or have you just dropped hints? This is something that has to be laid out clearly but people like this rarely change as the habit is ingrained at this stage.

I like to be early/on time. I think it's good manners and besides that, why else would you pick and agree on a time if any old time will do?

tenchi-fan

Daisy Steiner wrote: »

I used to be best friends with someone like this. I got tired of constantly being an extra in their life.

In my case, she did it for the attention, plain and simple "oh I'm so bohemian and mad that time means nothing to me aren't I fab what a great story this will make" etc etc.

oh i'm so random. skulls are cool. let's quote family guy.
I'm guessing she's in the 16-25 age bracket. It's just a question of maturity.

Daisy Steiner

tenchi-fan wrote: »

oh i'm so random. skulls are cool. let's quote family guy.
I'm guessing she's in the 16-25 age bracket. It's just a question of maturity.

She'll be 32 soon :pac:

thefeatheredcat

I know what it's like to be late for everything.... I grew up with it at home! To everything we did as a family we were leggedy last for most events and it was down to one or two people faffing about stupidly. If it wasn't the 10th time of running to the loo/blow nose/suddenly reading a magazine/off looking for something that was totally irrelevant to what and where going and doing, then it was just plain thoughtlessness and laziness. It was incredibly embarrassing. And it's incredibly frustrating when you're the one who is ready and organised to go and then having to wait and wait for someone else only to be faced with turning up late or missing something important.

Overall it is not nice to be the one who has put in the effort and energy to be ready on time to be left standing there like a plank while you wait for the other person to get ready.

Make them learn time management - driving them to work is pointless because they'll never learn the whole concept of being organised and on time and will always rely on you to make up for it on the roads, and the stress you go through isn't healthy. I would suggest that they find their own way to work from here on end. It's only when they're left with having to cope with getting there themselves they'll cop on.

This person needs better organisation skills in their life, but how deep does this run - is it just being badly organised on the time scale or with other things?

Ways to deal with keeping time appointments - if say dinner is booked for 8pm, make sure you tell them is 7pm or latest 7.30. And get other people on board too when you make arrangements - I'm sure friends/family must be a bit upset with them if they're always running late.

I would confront them on this tell them how you feel about it - it'll grow to resentment over time otherwise and the stress from it all (the panic runnings around) will build up and will explode and could damage things.

Neyite

op -does she act like this at work? - eg. faff around, be very late for meetings then have a moody head on her when she gets there?
does she miss deadlines and keep her colleagues waiting all the time?

i doubt very much that she would, otherwise she would not last long in any job. so if this is the case, and she can get it together in a work environment, then her tardiness is selective, she only does this at home, and does it because she knows that you will wait for her.

WhodahWoodah

OP don't you feel that this behaviour is very disrespectful of you? We're all late the odd time and a normal person will always be very sorry about being late and apologise for it.

Your partner doesn't seem to care that you are getting left waiting. However if you've been enabling her by waiting and then not telling her off when she finally does arrive then how is she to even know that there's a problem?

If I were you I'd sit her down and talk to her about it. I'd tell her how it's making you feel and ask her to take measures to stop doing this the whole time. She's obviously a disorganised person so maybe the best book you could buy her would be a Filofax? If she gets into the habit of having times etc for things written down it might help her to straighten herself out.

This is clearly a behaviour that she's been doing for her whole life, so don't expect her to be able to change it overnight. If she's willing to do it, it'll take a while to get into the new habits. Filofax, post-its about things on the fridge door, a phone with an alarm etc will all help. Also, maybe try in the evening having a chat about what you're each going to be doing tomorrow. Maybe just the act of discussing her agenda will make her notice if she's packed things in too tightly together so one appointment will make her late for the next.

If she's not willing to try to change, then you have much bigger problems in your relationship than tardiness. Doing things to punish her like leaving or taking the flight yourself and letting her follow on are unlikely to help and will probably only make the fight bigger. Nice, long, calm talk is the best thing you can do. Good luck with her.

metrovelvet

I know a disturbing amount of people like this.

The problem is they are disorganised to start with. They procrastinate putting more petrol in the car, they misplace their passports,they let their licenses expire, and they think a half an hour is a long time.

So they dont leave for the airport until an hour before take off, because they have to find their license. Once they find their licence, they get in the car and its only a quarter tank full and they cross their fingers driving to the aiport, meanwhile they've forgotten to put more water in the car and the engine goes on fire. Not only that when they imagined going to the airport, they hadnt considered the possibility of road works, traffic, protests, etc.

They get to the airport in a panic with the engine on fire [I know someone who did this] in a panicked sweat, not considering that five flights might be scheduled for the same departure time and the security queue is very long.

Im not sure what it is. Its either a physical addiction to anxiety or a philosophical/pschological denial of time passing.

Reesy

Hi OP,

TBH this sounds like a job for an expert, & I'm no expert. For me, it's just selfish disrespectful behaviour.

However here's a suggestion: pick one deadline where you'd be okay to be on your own (at least have a plan B worked out that does not involve them) & your OH would be inconvenienced. Explain calmly in advance that you won't put up with them being more than x minutes late. When that time has elapsed, if they're not there, leave. When you next see them give them an almighty bollocking and try again. If you can get them to do it right once, get them to repeat the trick.

What I'm getting at here is to try get them to turn up on time once.

Good luck (now I'm late for bed!)

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Sounds very unconscious and disrespectful because she is not even trying and maybe getting worse?

You said at the end of your post that you loved her, very sweet as you sound like you adore her. There are times though where the man needs to not worry about being aggressive in tone and speak his mind, she is not a frail little girl she is a woman.... big foot needs to go down! and you need to teach her how to respect you.

Myself and my BF are together 15 years, lots of things in the relationship is about teaching each other how to respect the other, i used to get away with things like that in the early days and i was caught up in my day and would have him hanging around waiting on me dragging him into all my stresses, he is always very obliging but when his boundary is crossed now he chooses the right moment where he can say his piece. I think it has to be more of im telling you tone then a will you do this for me tone, you are at the last straw so treat it as enough is enough, do what ever you have to to change the scenario.

beks101

You need to sit down and have a serious discussion with your girlfriend about this.

Spell it all out and give examples - the humiliation it has caused you, the discomfort and awkwardness of sitting at that wedding reception on your own, the financial losses it has caused, how bad it looks for both of you professionally, the stress you're suffering as a result.

Believe me, she knows that she is chronically 'late', but without this serious discussion she probably looks at it as a personality quirk she has, hardly a problem, 'oh sure you know me, I'd be late for my own funeral...' yadda yadda ya. I know a shocking amount of people like this. I'd go as far as to say it's a distinctly Irish thing. I'm living in Canada now and trust me, unless someone has died or the house has been burnt down, you wouldn't dare to show up late for anything. Not even by ten minutes. If it's work, you'll get reprimanded and if it's a date, the other party will simply leave. You need to start exercising the same zero tolerance approach.

Big Bag of Chips

Ok.. the time has come..

I am going to put my hands up and admit to being disorganised (as nobody else has been brave enough to step forward!)

Now let me clarify, I am nowhere near as bad as this girl.. but I do (at least did!) cause problems for my husband at various stages. I am usually late/rushing for things.. but not necessarily important things. I can manage to make flights, or I can manage to get to a wedding on time etc. But if I am going out with a gang of people, I will almost always be late.. the reason.. I know it doesn't matter! I know there will be plenty others there together and I arrive when I arrive and it's not the end of the world.

So I think that's what happening with this girl.. it doesn't matter that she's late, because there are no consequences.. you pay for another flight... you wait for her etc.

Make consequences and she will soon cop on. My husband told me, not too subtly, one day that he wasn't going to be late for things because of me... if I wasn't ready he was going to leave without me etc. It has never come to it, because I've always been ready since. The threat was enough to make me pull up my socks! I'm still not sure if he really would go without me, but I don't want to test it!

I'm still disorganised, I'm still haphazard.. But I'm now usually on time!

metrovelvet

I dont wait for people anymore. Fifteen minutes. Thats it. Im gone.

Refuse to travel with her. Make plans but get to the airport by yourself and get on the plane by yourself.

Go to the weddings by yourself.

I'e had to do this with various people who are always late.

LegacyUser

NotSimpleAnswer wrote: »

Seriously, this sounds like an issue for a professional. The person sounds like she has problems managing abstract notions like time, organisation, maths, how long it actually takes to do so and so....we are not allowed to make a diagnosis here [and rightly so] but check further into this, my advice.

Reesy wrote: »

Hi OP,

TBH this sounds like a job for an expert, & I'm no expert. For me, it's just selfish disrespectful behaviour.

I think both of you could be on the money here. But what sort of professional would be an expert on this sort of issue?

seenitall

OP, I am usually the first to endorse the many benefits of counselling, but not in this case.

Don't waste any money on this, it would be completely misplaced - this is a matter of respect, not bad time management.

Be your own "professional" and stop enabling your wife, she will get the message soon enough. Your reluctance to do so in the face of her blatant disrespect, and your wish for some professional magic to do your "dirty" work (confrontation) for you, speaks volumes about why she has been getting away with her unaccepatable behaviour for this long.

Best wishes.

OS119

stressedoutfromthedrama wrote: »

I think both of you could be on the money here. But what sort of professional would be an expert on this sort of issue?

an assasin?

i'm with Seenitall on this, if she can function as an independent adult (feed herself, not soil herself in the street, negotiate stairs etc...) then she does understand and can work within the basic laws of Motion and Time which govern our universe. that she choses not to and gets away with it is entirely down to the fact that you (and if its with others, others) have not stamped down hard on her little princess toes.

being wonderfully bohemé probably won't be much fun if she gets to resturants after you've left, gets to sit at home while you're on holiday, and gets to be an hour late to work everyday. let her try it, and she'll either undergo a personality change, or you'll get dumped by someone who doesn't treat you with the respect that i give my childrens headlice.

Monkey61

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But if I am going out with a gang of people, I will almost always be late.. the reason.. I know it doesn't matter! I know there will be plenty others there together and I arrive when I arrive and it's not the end of the world.

Oh God I do this too! I can be terribly late for things that don't seem to matter; but I have enough sense (and manners) not to do it for big things.

It's funny because I was going to post something vaguely similar about my girlfriend this morning. Her disorganisation kills me as well as her idea that she doesn't have to live by the rules of time, society etc. She thought it was hilarious when we went on holiday recently that I wanted to get to the boarding gate early etc. Said she had never been anything but the last person on to a plane before. She also refused to put her liquids into a plastic bag (!!!) because it wasn't important. ( It was. She delayed us and the whole queue massively whilst they were going through her bag) She will never confirm weekend plans until the last minute and I was furious today because we were meant to be meeting this weekend, she wouldn't confirm the time so I left the whole weekend free for her and then she told me that she would arrive at 6pm on Sunday!!

So as I was composing a post in my head about her chronic inability to keep to timetables...I suddenly thought, hang on a second, she has never been late for work in her life, she works in a job that relies hugely on her ability to organise and she is well able to make plans and book things in advance if they are her plans. So do you know what that is? Not a lack of organisation etc, but selfishness and thoughtlessness. So from now on, when she refuses to confirm things in advance, I am going to make other plans and if it doesn't suit her - tough! If she is going to be four hours late to meet me - fine, I will carry on to wherever I am going and not wait for her.

So OP do exactly as everyone else has suggested. Don't keep enabling it. Give her plenty of warning about what times you are doing things at and if she still isn't ready then carry on without her. Don't get stressed by it. If you need to be somewhere on time, go ahead and be there. She will soon learn.

LegacyUser

OP- I'm quite like the person you describe, I have great difficulty being on time for every single thing in my life, and if I find myself early I decide to squeeze something else in that ensures I'm late .I've been late for some of the most important events you can imagine, and totally missed others.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 31. I'm a smart guy, good education, and a great career but it's a god damn miracle to me and others around me how I managed it.

Don't mind all these people talking about enabling, man Psuedopsych's love that word, arrange an appointment with a Clinical Psychologist or Psychiatrist, your GP will arrange this for you. There is help out there, it's no panacea but it helps. Good luck and have a nice weekend.

SerialComplaint

Daisy Steiner wrote: »

In my case, she did it for the attention, plain and simple "oh I'm so bohemian and mad that time means nothing to me aren't I fab what a great story this will make" etc etc.

I'd suspect that attention seeking behaviour is going on here. I know one person who would aim to 'make an entrance' by arriving an hour after everyone else.

I agree with the advice to stop enabling this person. I think the OP also needs to make sure he is not around to give attention when the person is late. Just go to work on your own schedule. If she can't make it, that's her problem. Let her know about this new policy beforehand, and switch off your phone while you commute.

She'll either cop on, or she will completely explode. You can then decide what to do about your relationship.

Don't waste your money on counselling. I know plenty of people like this and every single one of them is simply self centered and think the entire world revolves around them. They think they're busier than the rest of us, which is why they rarely apologise for being late. They don't value our time, they assume we had nothing better to do for the half an hour we sat around waiting for them. They are almost always immature and mollycoddled and think their behaviour is acceptable because nobody has pulled them up on it. They usually think it's funny as well - 'oh look how late I am, haha, aren't I so random and disorganised!' Being more than a few minutes late without a valid reason simply shows an enormous lack of respect for the person you're meeting. It really is that simple. There is nothing more irritating than cramming in all your chores, rushing to get ready, making sure you get where you're going on time, only to stand around waiting for 15 minutes for someone who thinks they're too important to show up on time.

The only way to deal with it is to do what others have advised, just stop waiting around for them. This type of person thinks they can get away with being ridiculously late because you just wouldn't go without them. Well, show her that you would. Start off by allowing 10 minutes, which is pretty generous. If she's any later than that, just leave. She'll get the message and either cop on or have a hissy fit, and if it's the latter, do you really want to be with someone so self centered? I sure wouldn't.

WhodahWoodah

Actually everyone is suggesting really mature responses here but there's always the immature option - BE EVEN LATER!!

See how she likes a taste of her own medicine. Save it up and do it at a nice important time when it'll have maximum impact like when you guys are going to a wedding or have tickets for a gig that starts at 8! Be really really late and then explain to her when you get there that you wanted to make her understand how it feels to be constantly on the receiving end of lateness and you'd really appreciate it if she'd cut it out! Might actually work!

gabsdot40

I am a very punctual person and lateness annoys me a lot. I had an experience just this past weekend which did my head in. I was involved in organising a halloween party. the girl in charge asked those of us on the organising committee to be at the venue at 4 to set up. The thing was starting at 5pm. Actually I was late (for once) and arrived at 4.20 to find I was the first person there and I had no key to get in and so couldn't get started. The girl in charge arrived at 4.40 nearly in tears, hassled etc to say that no one else from the committee was coming till 5. So we got on with it, the next organiser arrived at 5.05, someone else at 5.15. eventually we got started at about 5.25. One of the people we were relying on to do an activity at 5.30 got there at 5.45. Someone else from the organising committee arrived at 6.30. But the best was a family who are friends of the girl in charge. The mother had checked the start time the day before and was told it was 5. on the actually day her husband insisted that it was 7.30 and she believed him, got all the kids dressed up and was ready to leave at 7.30 when someone rang them to see where they had been (at that stage the things was over).
Lateness is just soooooo annoying. It is disrespectful and rude. I know loads of people who are just habitually late and they might as well be saying that they're time is more precious that mine.
I HATE LATENESS. As for the OP, I don't know what to say, I couldn't be with someone like that but if she's ever going to change it'll be you that does it.