It hurts.

bellx1

My dearest friend took her own life a while back. The only clue (looking back on it) was 3 days before she left us she said she was feeling a bit off. To this day I cannot understand how I did not see a sign. We told each other everything, shared every detail of our lives with each other.

The day it happened her mother said to me - if she had only talked to you (I wish).

I can't grieve for her, I wake up days and think she is still alive and pick up the phone to ring her. I can't speak to anyone about this, everyone close to me tries and I just cut them off. I wish she was here. I would like to know why she caused so much pain to many who loved her so much.

And I do feel guilty: people have told me not to. But if we were so close then why could I not prevent it.

I love her and miss her so much, and I am angry at the same time. But I would give anything for one last chat with my beautifull girl.

Sorry for rambling, I could go on and on....

RacoonQueen

So sorry for your loss.

Suicide is an incredibly hard thing to deal with. You're trying to cope with your grief and trying to figure out why you couldn't help all at the same time. This is not your fault, I really, really, REALLY hope you know this. I'm sure she knew that you would have done absolutely anything for her and probably tried to come to you so many times and just couldn't. Some things are so hard to talk about, even with the people you love and trust the most.

Do not blame yourself. Deal with your grief first and foremost, don't question it, don't be angry with her or yourself.

sashafierce

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bellx1

Thanks to both of you. What ye say is true and makes sense to me. I know some people say why would you share these kind of thoughts to strangers on the internet but I for some reason can't speak to those close to me. When I came across this forum it just seemed ok to pour it all out. Don't ask me why.

It is just so hard to understand, I cannot get my head around how she actualy went and did it. I was one of the first to get to her house. I saw what she did. I have re-traced her steps so many times and still have no comprehension. I cannot believe she did that.

She was so full of life.

RacoonQueen

One of the best things about the anonymity of the internet is you can pour your heart out, share all the things you can't say out loud and no one has to know who you are.

I don't think you can ever understand why someone would do something like this, it's a really difficult way to lose someone you love. So many conflicting emotions. No doubt, she knew how much you loved her and really appreciated your friendship. Try to use that to comfort you.

Dilbert75

Gutted for you. In your situation I'm sure I'd be equally lost for words. But if she wasn't able to talk about it, you couldn't have known and you couldn't have done anything about it. Whatever drove her to it, hopefully her spirit is at rest now.

bellx1

Racoonqueen, thank you. Your posts are realy kind and thoughtfull - reading some is like an insight to my own thoughts.
Dilbert, ya I hope she is at rest and I said the same at her graveside but part of me is saying is she realy at rest?
I know this is just typed words and probably does not convey what I am trying to say - she was such a bubbly, full of life and positive person.
The last person I would imagine this happening to.
And people will read this and say - oh she must not have known her friend that well at all if she went and did that.
But I did. Extremely so. We shared so much. I loved her and love her still. And miss her so much.
Ah feck, death (in whatever manner) hurts. So much.

bellx1

sashafierce wrote: »

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Thanks sasha, I do think something inside of her snapped. I will spend the rest of my life wondering what though. And why she could not come to me or one of her family (or anyone!!) before making such and awfull decision

sashafierce

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bellx1

sashafierce wrote: »

May i ask do you find going to her grave helps? My friend said to me the other day that they dont find it helpful because they are not really there. I hope you find comfort in someway. I can only imagine how you feel, feeling like what if all the time will only drive you mad. You must feel a bit angry too i know i would. Hopefully in time you will begin to over come these feelings.

I went to the grave once after she left us (it was her birthday few weeks ago)To be quite honest I felt foolish, I was talking to her and saying random stuff. Then I just stopped and the anger kicked in again so I left. Standing at her grave just seemed unreal.

RacoonQueen

bellx1 wrote: »

And people will read this and say - oh she must not have known her friend that well at all if she went and did that.
But I did. Extremely so. We shared so much. I loved her and love her still. And miss her so much.

Anyone who would think that is a complete idiot. A lot of the people who commit suicide are very, very good at covering up whats going on. Failed suicide attempts are often quite the opposite either a cry for help or someone seeking attention.

I hope you can find peace from this, my cousin did it almost 10 years ago at the age of 21, her mum and sister found peace by going to see clairvoyants and 'contacting' her, strange what these guys came out with and how accurate they were with things. Just an idea for something which might help somewhere down the line, if it's something you believe in.

bellx1

I hope you can find peace from this, my cousin did it almost 10 years ago at the age of 21,

Sorry to hear that. I realy am.

Did they have any luck with clairvoyant?

sashafierce

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princess-lala

bellx1 - I've been there and its so much easier to talk to a stranger than to close friends and family!

I blocked everyone out for so so long and didn't talk to them about what happened, I think they eventually thought I just forgot about him! I know I didn't and still wonder everyday - nearly 3 years later!

The only thing you can do is remember your friend in the good times! She didn't want to burden anyone with her problems, by saying that to you I mean no disrespect but she obviously couldn't talk to anyone! John was the very same!!

Guilt is all part of grieving, I still feel guilty! I honestly don't think it ever goes away!

Hugs to you! And if you ever need a rant I'm only a pm away!

bellx1

Hi Princess, ya the guilt is a major thing isn't it.
Realistically, I know I should not feel it, I did not contribute to what happened,but still I cannot help feeling it. For me it is the looking back and anaylzying every word or action and thinking, what could I have done different?
In my good days where my thoughts are clear I know that in hindsight I could not have done anymore.
For some reason this does not help.
Sorry, angry again today.
It comes and goes, sad one day, angry another day.
And when I read the story's in here about the poor people who have lost people through illness/accidents - I just think about her and say, unlike them, you HAD a choice.
Sorry, angry today as I said.
It is good to know that there are people out there who are willing to listen to strangers rant and I do apprecitate your offer of PM - will probably take you up on that offer!

Dude111

Im so sorry Bell....

It is confusing why people think they have NO WAY OUT,it truly is sad

You couldnt have done anything to help her IF YOU DIDNT KNOW.. You must not feel guilty of it.....

If i could,i would give ya a BIG HUG and try and make ya happier!!

God bless,peace and love

enda1

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Anyone who would think that is a complete idiot. A lot of the people who commit suicide are very, very good at covering up whats going on. Failed suicide attempts are often quite the opposite either a cry for help or someone seeking attention.

I hope you can find peace from this, my cousin did it almost 10 years ago at the age of 21, her mum and sister found peace by going to see clairvoyants and 'contacting' her, strange what these guys came out with and how accurate they were with things. Just an idea for something which might help somewhere down the line, if it's something you believe in.

People are very vulnerable in times of grief.
So it is poor form to push her in the direction of a charlatan.
Con-artists prey on the emotionally weak.

RacoonQueen

enda1 wrote: »

People are very vulnerable in times of grief.
So it is poor form to push her in the direction of a charlatan.
Con-artists prey on the emotionally weak.

I'm not pushing her in the direction of anyone or anything. I don't believe in that stuff, I'm simply making a suggestion of something that might help her, that is what this forum is for. Don't make silly accusations.

bellx1

enda & racoon,
I see both of your points individually and appreciate them. Thank you.

I have found it a big help to say things here that I cannot say out loud to anyone.

I can come on here and say all the things that I want to.

I want to shout at people sometimes.

I know it is not their fault, I realy do. But, when they come up to me with the "how are you doing" etc etc, I want to say I am angry, I am sad, I am downright p***ed off. Most of all I want to know why.
But, mainly I just say "I'm fine".

Dude111, lovely post, thank you.

Wish I had come across this forum sooner, it does help to get things out, even if it's only through a keyboard!
As I cannot talk to family and friends, this is good for me. I needed this.

Thank you

Deaf student

bellx1 wrote: »

My dearest friend took her own life a while back. The only clue (looking back on it) was 3 days before she left us she said she was feeling a bit off. To this day I cannot understand how I did not see a sign. We told each other everything, shared every detail of our lives with each other.

The day it happened her mother said to me - if she had only talked to you (I wish).

I can't grieve for her, I wake up days and think she is still alive and pick up the phone to ring her. I can't speak to anyone about this, everyone close to me tries and I just cut them off. I wish she was here. I would like to know why she caused so much pain to many who loved her so much.

And I do feel guilty: people have told me not to. But if we were so close then why could I not prevent it.

I love her and miss her so much, and I am angry at the same time. But I would give anything for one last chat with my beautifull girl.

Sorry for rambling, I could go on and on....

I went through the same as you did when a friend of mine committed suicide without any explanations. I didn't understand the whole thing as to why he committed suicide. It was so unlike of him ... something that i will never understand it. I was just stunned and shocked to the core. I was in kind of a daze at the funeral ... It was like a hammer blow.

Talking to friends afterwards for ages re shock & disbelief and it had helped me to pour out feelings. One of them even brought me to a nightclub with not my best clothes on it. Anyway i got in as i was kind of down which i didn't want go in the first place. He gave me drinks try to erase it which i realised it after that it doesn't work in real life such as to deal with grief. It was strange that i drank a lot and stayed sober that night.

Best way is to talk through with friends which i did after that nightclub when i went back later for 1 month mind mass. It helped us to discuss and move on although it's no joke when if any of you knew someone who died unexpectedly such as suicide. I never expected that it would happen to me... famous last words.

Reesy

Hi Bellx1,

Sorry for your loss.

Did anyone mention an organisation called 'console.ie'? They help people in positions like yours.

bellx1

Thanks to all who replied to this thread. I have not been online in a few months because I have had some rough times belive me! As I said before it can be comforting to read words from strangers when you can't talk to those around you. To all posts that I did not thank - THANK YOU! It has been a ****e time for me but when I came on here tonight for the first time in a while I felt better. To know I can just let it out here. Crying as I am writing this but it glad to leave it out.