18 year old man who is lost in his life!

LegacyUser

Hi! I am an 18 year old lad and I am in 1st year in collage!
Well I suppose it all starts off back in primary school I was happy! 6th class was a brilliant year and I remember we all got on very well and I was really happy!
Then It was into secondary school and things were good enough for the first few weeks.
Then I started be bullied by a certain guy and I tried to ignore it brush it off but the bully attacked me one day after school and he split the back of my head open and I was a lot of blood out I got through the rest of that day and went home I was trying to hide it and my mother found out and she didn''t do much. Then I went to school the next day and I told the school bullying teacher. I tought that the bullying was going to stop but it didn't..
I was then bullied by a lot of people and I just started to isolate myself a lot from people. I had a few friends but because I was being bullied thay were being picked on to so I kept away from them and I had a very bad few weeks and I gave up hanging around with my friends and I just locked myself away. Then one day in mid- november I was packing my bag to go home and the bully and few of his other friends came up to me. I was beside my locker at the time and he kicked me. Then he pissed on me, my bag and books and he grabbed my head and forced me to lick it. I stayed at home for the rest of that week and I was bullied for the rest of the school year and I got through it anyway.
Then that Summer I started to notice that I found guys sexy and I thought that the feelings would pass but they didn't and I still feel the same.
Then 2nd year was ok. Not a good year but not the worst.
Then 3rd year came and this wasn't my best year. I started being picked on again and this time it was because I was meant to have a gay voice and That I looked like a fag.
TI was called so many names and punched so much. I just couldn't take it and I missed loads of days of school. The bullying got so bad I started drinking and it actually worked for a while, I used to drink in my room at home until I passed out and I used to feel crap when I got up in the morning.
Then I did my junior cert and I was happy enough with it.
I did T.Y because I wanted to get away from the bullies. I went into a class and I have to say it was a brilliant year. I mixed really well and I thought I made friends.
Then I fifth year the bullying returned because The people I thought were my driend started to pick on me again with the same old crap about being a ****** well basically because they wanted to be cool..
Then in 6th year it got a lot worse. I was being bullied a lot and I hated myself more than ever. I couldn't accept being gay and I hated myself more than ever. I did a crap leaving cert but I am in collage now. I am just here because I don't want to repeat.
I am at a point now that I am just totally lost. I can't accept being gay and I don't want to be. Nobody know's how I feel I am just so sad. I hate myself. I would do anything to be straight. I know that if I ever did come out that I wouldn't be accepted at home and if this happened it would total destroy me.
I find it very hard to make friends. I have very few, and I am not really in contact. I find it very hard to make new one's becaue I feel that I am just going to be treated like crap again.
any advice?

cafecolour

That sounds horrible, no wonder your confidence is gone. But secondary school is the worst of it - you are trapped in the situation. But it's not like that in college and the wider world - people are not nearly the same level of bullying, and you can just walk away from those that are.

Also, you've internalized their hatred of acting gay and now you hate yourself for it.

This was started recently in reaction to some instances of bullied gay teens, maybe it will be of some help to you:

http://www.itgetsbetterproject.com/

h8scobes

dude just supress your gay feelings for the time being. mayb when your like 30 accept it if your still gay. come on what college are you in? look at all the absolute babes(girls) around and ask yourself are you really gay

jst stop being a victim and adopt a cool mentality. i know your years in school seem bad but you can change all that. look at the people who were bullied like for example eminem

Ickle Magoo

h8scobes infracted, do not post in PI/RI again until you have read the forum rules in the charter and you are able to abide by them.

Ickle

LegacyUser

I can relate to what you are going through, although not to the same degree. Let me offer my own perspective and hopefully it might help a little.

I was bullied when I was in primary and secondary school so I can understand the effect that can have on you. I went through more than a few years where I hated myself, was extremely depressed and suicidal. I won't lie to you and say that all that is gone and I'm now 100% happy, but I am much more comfortable with who I am now and because of that I am happier. My point being that you first have to accept who you are if you want to be happy again and being gay is a part of who you are. I'm not saying you need to be open about it or act on your feelings until you are ready, just that you need to work to accept who you are.

Possibly the very best thing you could do is to join the LGBT in your college if it has one. There will be people there who unfortunately have gone through the exact same things you have and may be working through the exact same issues. Even if you don't feel like engaging them on this, the solidarity would be helpful I think, and the society would have a wide range of activities which you can partake solely just to make friends you know won't judge you without you having to do anything more until you are ready.

If thats beyond your comfort level at the moment then I think you should consider seeing if your college has a counselling service. I went to UCC and they a free one but I don't know if all colleges do. Having somebody you can talk to can be very helpful and while they won't be able to just make you happy, they can help you with your confidence to start you on your way.

The last thing I would say is that when you are in secondary sexuality is a very big issue it can feel like the whole world to be honest. However I'm 26 now and I am much more comfortable with who I am. One of my friends came out last year and while I admit to being very surprised, honestly is is one of the nicest guys I know. Definitely among the friends we share none of us have changed our impression of him because of it. I'd like to say that it wouldn't have been an issue if I had known him at a younger age but honestly I don't know. There will be people who judge you for it, but honestly they get further and fewer between and in the end really aren't worth your time.

LegacyUser

I really feel for you OP, especially having gone through something similar myself. It is so hard to explain to people what it is like to be tormented every day for 6 years, and I think you're great for getting through it, even though things are still tough now.

I don't have much I can say about the issues you're having with your sexuality because I haven't experienced that aspect of bullying, but I can say this. You have to find peace with who you are, and it is worth the effort it takes to get to that place because when you are comfortable in your own skin these people can't hurt you any more.

College is a good time for this and for figuring out a way to be happy with yourself as you are, because it is a lot lot more open minded than school. Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of, really and truly it isn't and I hate that you have been made to think like that by those narrow minded people in your school. It's all just different forms of love, and what's so wrong about that? I know it's a cliche, but love is love, plain and simple.

As regards being worried about what your parents will say if you ever tell them, I can understand where you're coming from. I tried to kill myself in school because of the bullying and ended up in hospital where it all came out (pardon the pun), all the stuff that I had kept hidden from them for years and years. They were devastated and there was months of awkwardness and stuff in the house, but now we are closer than ever. But I understand that every situation is different and you know your family best. Just don't completely disregard the idea that maybe they'd be ok with it.

Anyway, sorry, this hasn't had much advice in it but I really wanted to reply because you are not on your own and there are ways to come to terms with what you're feeling. I second the idea that you should go to a couple of LGBT events, I went to a few in college to support a friend and they are so welcoming, honest!

Will stop rambling on now.