Not sure what im Feeling

jayo76

Myself and my partner of 5 years split up 2 months ago, we had got engaged in February but over the summer things started to fall apart. We had a very good relationship in most aspects, rarely if ever fought and were very loving and affectionate with each other but looking back there were underlying issues between us. Things started to go wrong when we seriously contemplated buying a house in cavan over the summer, I currently live and work in dublin but am from down the country.

I guess i started to have cold feet about relocating to Cavan not from a commute point of view, just that i started to worry about losing friends in dublin and being further removed from family in Cork. My ex is a very quiet person and we would have been living close to her family and friends, as she is so quiet she has a small circle of friends, close to 2 girls really who are both single and istarted to worry that if i relocated I might quickly become isolated from my friends and family. Once i expressed this fear my ex reacted very irrationally and accused me of not wanting her to have friends and wanting her to be lonely if i was going to be too which is not what I had said at all. As she is so quiet i had always encouraged her to go out with friends and get away with them as much as possible and this accusation really hurt me.

Looking back I now realise I probably got drawn into a situation where I relinquished my friends and I am a very sociable person to keep my girlfriends happy, I now realise that our social differences are probably too great. Initially my ex only seemed to want us to go out together and made no real effort to meet my friends, she met my 2 closest friends once in 5 years and regularly refused to accompany me to family occasions and weddings. At the time I put it down to her quietness but now ifeel she just refused to make an effort, she was happy for us to go out together but never with other couples who were friends of mine. She was happy for me to go out with her and her two single friends but to be honest this wasnt ideal for me obviously as i felt i was gatecrashing. Anyway we split up in august and I just felt shattered, she said she didnt want to compromise on major issues with me like where to live, socialising and type of wedding and that this suggested to her that maybe she didnt feel strongly enough about me. To me this was nonsense, I said compromise is a part of every relationship and she should never have got involved with me and especially got engaged if she felt this way. She told me she loved me but wasnt sure if it was enough for life.

Part of me just feels relieved that I didnt buy the house in Cavan as I could have been left isolated in a house i didnt want if her mind changed down the line. However another part of me is devastated even allowing for the lack of compromise that I'v lost this person i dedicated 5 years of my life to. I honestly do feel sometimes that I am better off and that I will find someone who sees that relationships need work and compromise but I am also lost at the moment as I do truly love this person. Any advice??

Cheap Thrills!

She sounds bone selfish and lazy and ungiving. She only met your friends once in 5 years and refused to accompany you to family events and weddings?

How unbelievably selfish. Didn't she care how it made you look?? I'm sure your family and friends wern't impressed with her lack of effort.

That kind of stubborn refusal to compromise is an indirect 'fcuk you'. What she is basically saying with her actions there is 'You're not worth the effort'.

Then wanting you to move to her neck of the woods and hang out with her spinster pals. Jesus you had a lucky escape. You probably would have ended up with her family being your family and living in your ear non stop.

You acted with your head over your heart and you did the right thing imo. It wouldn't have worked out.

Moomoo1

I wouldn't really blame yourself so much over this. Bottom line is, she ran away instead of trying to compromise, which leads me to doubt the strength of her feelings towards you.

foxinsox

I know you are probably feeling heartbroken right now and think you are still in love... but..

compromise is one of the most important things in a relationship.

no two people are ever exactly the same so there will be differences and the two have to compromise and meet half way to suit both people.

there doesn't seem to have been any give on her part.

I know 5 years seems like a long time... but in the whole of your life it's not that long... you probably don't feel it now.. but to me it sounds like it is better to have happened like this now... rather than ten years down the road when you might have children and you both might be miserable....

Try and do things that make you happy and hang out with your friends and family...

It will get easier.. I don't think it was right for you...

Best of luck

jayo76

Yeah honestly most of the time I do feel like I have actually had a lucky escape but at certain times it really does still gnaw away at me that maybe I do still love her. I am by nature a very positive person and I think actually even sacrificed that to the relationship as my ex has a much more pessimistic outlook on life. As a sociable person I suppose looking back I should have run a mile within the first year when she said that she didnt really see the point in making small talk with people she didnt know or getting to know people because in the end they only let you down.

During the second year of our relationship she was quite depressed with life and work in general and i saw her through this and I duno i suppose im just finding it hard to see how a person I was willing to give so much too could run away so quickly on the basis that she didnt want to compromise or and that that meant she didnt feel enough for me.

Regards weddings and other occasions, family and friends over the 5 years i suppose I was very aware at various times that I was making excuses as to why she wasnt at things we were invited to as a couple and it would have bothered me but I always glossed over it and would get back to feeling everything was grand again. I spent 80% of the weekend over the last 5 years in her family house while i would say she met my family once, maybe twice at most a year.

For a while because of the way she treated me I actually felt maybe she is rught that people will only let you down in the end but you know what my family and friends have been so good to me, even those I probably neglected because of my ex that i definitly dont feel that now, most people are good. Iam a people person and I need someone who is willing to make some effort on that front, i would never give out about someone being quiet or not being the life and soul of the party but I do now feel it is so important that people at least make a effort.

Moomoo1

jayo76 wrote: »

As a sociable person I suppose looking back I should have run a mile within the first year when she said that she didnt really see the point in making small talk with people she didnt know or getting to know people because in the end they only let you down.

not really - there are quite a few people who find small talk infuriating and have no interest in getting to know new people, and most of them can make perfectly loyal partners

so you were totally right not to run a mile

jayo76

Moomoo1 wrote: »

not really - there are quite a few people who find small talk infuriating and have no interest in getting to know new people, and most of them can make perfectly loyal partners

so you were totally right not to run a mile

Hi Moomoo yeah I know the small talk thing isn't a deal breaker on it's own but in my case if I moved to Cavan and felt isolated from my friends, the only time I would really see them would be at social gatherings such as birthday parties, weddings, christenings, engagements etc. My ex had shown a distinct lack of interest in attending these gatherings from very early in our relationship of if she did attend would sit in a corner looking sullenand insist on leaving before the party had even really started. Now i have no problem with her being quiet but to me as said there is a difference betwen that and just not being willing to make an effort. I was willing to give up everything for her but would have liked a willingness on her part to make an effort with my friends especially if I rarely got to see them.

jayo76

Do things get easier?? its now over 2 months since we broke up and yet my ex and the breakup is the first thing I think of every morning, leading me to feel nauseous almost when I wake up, is this normal? I have genuinely accepted that this relationship is not for me and would not go back into it now but as soon as I spend any major time alone I seem to be thinking about the situation, again is this normal? I mostly feel that is the relationship and companionship i miss more than my actual ex. I honestly feel i was in love with an image of my ex that was just not reality but that image is still in my head.

Like a female friend of mine asked me yesterday what did I think I had lost by the breakup of this relationship and my answer was " someone who was unwilling to compromise with me and said so herself and wasnt willing again as she admitted herself to make the effort with people important to me". If I can see this why is my mind still preoccupied with her??

I suggested meeting my ex this weekend just to chat and clear the air, we had always said we would remain on good terms but she said she'd prefer not to at the mo, that she feels guilty and would prefer no contact for the moment with us possibly being friends down the line. I dont see it possible us being friends who remain in contact but would like things to be better between us than they are now. Should i push her to meet? There is still stuff belonging to her at my place or should i just ask her to come get it when Im not there, she has a key?

Finally in terms of moving forward there is a womanat work who i really like and get on well with and know she likes me, she has suggested us going for a drink. Would this be a mistake in my current situation?? I really like her but dont want to hurt her if Im not ready to date again, my ex worked in same place as me for a short time so all my colleagues including this woman would know her and of the breakup. I really dont want to rush things and hurtths woman but a part of medoes fell life is to be lived, that I am 34 now and spent 5 years with someone who didnt really suit me( despite many good times we had) and that I should take the risk with this new woman who might bring me happiness.

Any advice??

LegacyUser

Hi, OP, i felt for you. I am at the same age and in the similar process as yours.

re. the new woman, um, i suggest not to move further at this stage. clear yourself some space and time to enjoy the single life. 34 is nothing, and you have no biological clock clicking.

take care.

jayo76 wrote: »

Do things get easier?? its now over 2 months since we broke up and yet my ex and the breakup is the first thing I think of every morning, leading me to feel nauseous almost when I wake up, is this normal? I have genuinely accepted that this relationship is not for me and would not go back into it now but as soon as I spend any major time alone I seem to be thinking about the situation, again is this normal? I mostly feel that is the relationship and companionship i miss more than my actual ex. I honestly feel i was in love with an image of my ex that was just not reality but that image is still in my head.

Like a female friend of mine asked me yesterday what did I think I had lost by the breakup of this relationship and my answer was " someone who was unwilling to compromise with me and said so herself and wasnt willing again as she admitted herself to make the effort with people important to me". If I can see this why is my mind still preoccupied with her??

I suggested meeting my ex this weekend just to chat and clear the air, we had always said we would remain on good terms but she said she'd prefer not to at the mo, that she feels guilty and would prefer no contact for the moment with us possibly being friends down the line. I dont see it possible us being friends who remain in contact but would like things to be better between us than they are now. Should i push her to meet? There is still stuff belonging to her at my place or should i just ask her to come get it when Im not there, she has a key?

Finally in terms of moving forward there is a womanat work who i really like and get on well with and know she likes me, she has suggested us going for a drink. Would this be a mistake in my current situation?? I really like her but dont want to hurt her if Im not ready to date again, my ex worked in same place as me for a short time so all my colleagues including this woman would know her and of the breakup. I really dont want to rush things and hurtths woman but a part of medoes fell life is to be lived, that I am 34 now and spent 5 years with someone who didnt really suit me( despite many good times we had) and that I should take the risk with this new woman who might bring me happiness.

Any advice??

jayo76

Thanks for the support and advice Weench,hope you get through you'r situation and everything works out for both of us

LegacyUser

Woah! Why not meet this woman for a drink? She knows you longterm, knows your circumstances, knows why you broke up with the ex.....a lot of the groundwork is done! What have you to lose? If the date's a disaster, you can just say "I'm not really ready to see anyone, but I could do with a good friend".
Surely if the last 5years have taught you anything, it should be grab life by the horns, don't let that same shyness your ex had, engulf you too. Courage!

Moomoo1

asdafgdag wrote: »

Woah! Why not meet this woman for a drink? She knows you longterm, knows your circumstances, knows why you broke up with the ex.....a lot of the groundwork is done! What have you to lose? If the date's a disaster, you can just say "I'm not really ready to see anyone, but I could do with a good friend".
Surely if the last 5years have taught you anything, it should be grab life by the horns, don't let that same shyness your ex had, engulf you too. Courage!

yeah, I'd agree with that. Nothing to lose at all.

herosa

My first impression on reading this post was that this guy must have a guardian angel working full time somewhere to have had such a lucky escape. You will actually shiver some day when you realise how close you came to unhappiness. You absolutely need friends and family around you. At the beginning of a relationship you dont need anyone but that wears off very quickly believe me. Read about all those couples who move back home to Ireland. Whats the number one reason they give every time? To be close to family and friends. As the song says sometimes love just aint enough. Now I am about to give you some very good news. You are such a flippin eligible bachelor it just isnt funny and what makes it so sweet is that you dont seem to know it. Smart thoughtful single family-orientated 34 year old guys from the country with no baggage are thin on the ground in Dublin. I can hear the sound of a thousand women in the city going where! where is he? Hell if I wasnt happily settled I would track you down myself! You are in no rush trust me and if you actually knew how many women you probably had to choose from you would get over your ex quick smart. Think about what you want. Pubs like Flannerys mcsorleys Mcgowans are full of country women. I am sure there are many beautiful ones who live close to your region or somewhere close enough to compromise. Take your time. As far as the woman in work goes. Im not so sure. Your probably on the rebound and are going to have some cheap meaningless sex for a while. Its generally not considered a good idea to do that with a work colleague. Also if you were really into her you would not need our opinion-you would be with her. Thats just my opinion. Only you know your own heart. Anyway chin up and aftershave on. You are probably in the last couple of years of your single life. Soon it will be all mortgage and crying babies so dont wish it away. Make the most of it! It will be a precious memory soon enough.

marlie2005

OH my god, i could have wrote this...
Jay i'm am a female in the same position as you, but we do have the kids and mortgage and all.. My partner is the exact same as your ex and for the same reasons as yours I keep our relationship going...How
i would like to go back a few years!!!
Now I know there are kids involved with us but I figured out last night that i cannot drag him along any more...
You had a very lucky escape but I think what you are looking for from this woman is some kind of reaction, some kind of gesture that she loved you, some kind of statement to say you haven't wasted thoses years...
I have been waiting for the same and just recently relised it is not going to come...
Best of luck to you and do start enjoying your life from today... Never look back...

jayo76

Again thanks to everyone for the replies. I do really think most of the time that I'v had a lucky escape and this has generally been the attitude of my friends and family who have been so good to me.My mother only told me yesterday how upset she had been on each of the last two new years eves when she rang me while I was at my ex's to wish happy new year and my ex hadnt got on the phone to talk to her and even return her wishes. I guess in my heart of hearts I was aware of this but wanted so much to make things work with my ex and I dunno maybe believed I could change her.

Thanks to the poster who saw fit to remind me how eligible I am, really has cheered me up and yeah as everyone said I guess i need to make sure I live my life to the full. As a teacher I'v been on midterm this week and I guess having more free time during the day has just led to me fixating on things more!

Marlie thank you for your message, I think you are right that I am looking for some sort of sign that she loved me or that she didnt just walk away from things without feelings for me. However when I do think about things rationally I do realise that this is probably just wasting my time and stopping me getting on with things, i need to control my own life I guess and not worry aabout her. I am really so sorry to hear about your situation and genuinely hope that everything turns out okay for you.