Possibility of a date. Overcome with fear...

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm a guy, won't say my exact age but I'm early 20's.

So first of all the prospect of dating depresses me.. I have had very low self esteem for easily half of my life and I was recently diagnosed with BDD. As a result of my issues, I have never had a girlfriend or any intimate experiences. Well there was the odd few times in secondary school where I had interest from girls and went 'out' with one to the cinema or whatever but that was literally it so it really doesn't count.

Recently I was encouraged on another site I frequent to post up a photo of myself, which I did. I was convinced I was going to get negetive feedback or worse, petty reassurances. To my surprise though I got loads of comments from women saying I was very attractive, good looking, hot etc.

I was happy at first but doubts started to creep into my mind. I was convinced that I only looked good because I took my time to pose when I took my photo and that I would look completely different at another angle. I usually despise how I look in other peoples photos. Does that even make any sense?

Anyway so despite these doubts, I made the decision just a couple of days ago to join a dating site. I didn't put too much thought into my profile as I wasn't expecting all too much to come of it but I was honest, and I used the same photo I had gotten good comments on on the other site.

Well within a day after joining I got contacted by someone. Looking at her profile she was clearly very attractive physically in every aspect. So attractive that I was actually quite shocked as to why she was contacting me.

So after exchanging a dozen or so messages on the site, we exchanged phone numbers and have started txting each other. I'm a very laid back and shy person (as implied in my profile) and she appears the opposite. She invited me to join her when she's out with her friends over the weekend but I declined and said I'd rather we get together for a coffee somewhere quiet when she's ready to do that. She wants to 'txt more' first.

You might think great right? What's this guy complaining about?

Well, once again the thoughts have started creeping back into my head. What if she sees me in person and get's completely turned off by me physically..

And even if I truly am physically attractive facially, I am far far from perfect in other areas. I have a problem with a few warts on a couple of my fingers which I've suffered with for years (all treatment has failed for me so far).

And although my teeth are pretty near perfect for the most part, I never got braces when younger due to my self esteem issues, so have one tooth positioned up in my gum. Though I have to give a pretty big smile for it to be noticeable. And I am not smiling at all in my profile photo so it's not visible.

So can you see my dilemma? I have never allowed myself ot get in a position where I could get rejected before, for fear of basically falling into severe depression. If I go and meet this person and she rejects me for physical reasons I don't know how I'd cope.

It's hard to believe that I am feeling more miserable than ever at this time.

I'm so stressed out and depressed and my minds just racing... What should I do? I don't want to put myself in a vulnerable position and set myself up for rejection, but at the same time I want a relationship. I want a girlfriend..

LegacyUser

You seem to have the date set up in your mind as this big test where if you pass you get a girlfriend and otherwise you fail and are unworthy. It's not like that, it's about getting to know each other and seeing if there's a spark, and from your point of view it's about seeing whether you even would like her as a girlfriend once you've met her in person. She could end up being really irritating you know! Also it's very likely she has her own insecurities and is hoping you don't notice her fat legs or her big ears or whatever.

So I think you should relax and just see it as a chat to suss each other out. If nothing comes out of it, it doesn't reflect badly on you. I've had several first dates where I liked the guy, would be happy to set him up with a friend, but he just wasn't for me.

And don't take your physical imperfections so seriously, my boyfriend has imperfections but I really don't care, and I know plenty of guys who aren't physically attractive but still have no problems getting girls. I'm sure you know some yourself.

LegacyUser

I see what you're saying but I've been told similar things before. It's really hard for me to think positively about these situations.

And I'm extremely stressed out now, because she's sent me a message and it looks like she might want to meet up today!! I'm f*cking losing it right now!

I haven't shaved, I've had no sleep. I just wasn't expecting this!

LegacyUser

People go on dates all the time and decide not to follow it up for whatever reason. LOTS of dates in the early stages fizzle out to nothing and people go their seperate ways.

You need to embrace this fact before you go on the date, to avoid that depression if nothing becomes of it. I am not telling you not to get your hopes up, by all means you should! I am telling you that you need to approach this date armed with the knowlege that loads of dates lead to nothing, for loads of reasons and if this happens to you, it's nothing worry about.

Hot people go on dates that lead to nothing every single day. If this leads to nothing it does not mean you are unattractive. In fact, if she's already seen a pic of you then she actually likes how you look.

So tell yourself that fact and go on the date with a 'nothing to lose' attitude. Believe me, you don't want to sit around for weeks wishing you'd went on it. Go on it, worry about the details later.

GO ON THE DATE!

If it works out with her... FANTASTIC! If not, sure not to worry, there's loads more you can go on. Talk to anyone in a decent relationship. Lots of people have had several 'false starts', myself included.

All they are is 'false starts'. They could be for any reason and mean nothing. Remember that.

Giblet

Remember, it's just a girl you are meeting, don't overthink everything. Anyone can sense this sort of insecurity as you spend time apologising for being yourself. Just relax, the only things you need to do are, be nice, mannerly, try to have good conversations and just enjoy yourself. If you are sabotaging yoiurself before you even met the girl, it will just get worse. Just relax, stop looking for reasons it will go wrong. If it goes wrong, it goes wrong, move on, don't beat yourself up, but don't ruin it for fear of getting hurt or feeling down.

Ickle Magoo

Lowinself wrote: »

I see what you're saying but I've been told similar things before. It's really hard for me to think positively about these situations.

And I'm extremely stressed out now, because she's sent me a message and it looks like she might want to meet up today!! I'm f*cking losing it right now!

I haven't shaved, I've had no sleep. I just wasn't expecting this!

Why are you losing it? Calm down, take a step back. It's just another human being that wants to spend some time with you. Spend some time together and take it from there. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from torturing yourself with what if's and maybe's.

G-Money

Sorry to hear about the hassle's you're having dude, but I'm going to set aside the issues you are having and instead just focus on getting through the "date".

It's all about your mentality towards this. First of all, stop thinking of it as a date. It's putting a whole heap of pressure on you that you don't need. I've done the internet dating thing before and to be honest, I don't really count the first one a genuine proper date. The reason being is that I've never met the person before, and in my own head, you can't really go on a date with someone you've never met. You can only really go on a date with someone you've met and you realise you like each other.

So instead I just think of it as meeting up with someone. I try to stop thinking about it as some big huge pressurised event. I'm simply just meeting up with someone for a short while and that's it. Nothing has to happen.

Think of it this way. Imagine you are going to view an apartment or something and you have to meet the letting agent, you wouldn't be all nervous and stressing about that would you? Nope. So just think of it like that. Take the whole sexual/attraction thing out of it put it out of your mind for a while. I think that's what's causing you a lot of anxiety.

You are simply going to meet up with someone for a quick drink and that's it. Even if it doesn't go well, you will be done and dusted and on your way home within half an hour. If it does go well, I'm sure your worries and anxiety will disappear.

Sometimes these things work out, sometimes they don't. Try not to stress and over analyse, although I know it can be hard not to.

You are simply going out to meet up with someone for a quick chat and drink and that's it. If you're not having a good time, make your excuses after a while and leave. It's happened to me, I've done it to other people too. It's nothing intently malicious, just sometimes it's not working so it's better to be polite and end the meet up gracefully than to lead the other person on.

So forget about it being a date. You don't really know if either of you really like each other. You're simply meeting up for a quick drink and a chat. Don't think about anything else.

If you hit it off, then happy days.

Let us know how you get on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice, it's helped calm me down a bit.

Now I'm a bit confused as to what she meant by her recent online message to me. Basically she said: 'you doing anything today?'

I wasn't sure if that was a hint for me to suggest we meet up or she was just interested in what I was doing. So I just responded with: No, not up to much today. Why do you ask?.

Thing is she told me last night that she wants us to 'txt some more' before we meet, when I said we should go for a coffee. So I hope I didn't seem desperate or pushy with my above reply. Did it seem that way to you? Or am I overanalyzing?

She does seem very interested in me because so far she's been the one initiating all the conversations with me. Not long after I gave her my number last night, she txted me almost instantly.

One thing though, that actually sparked off my fear of not being up to her standards physically, was that she asked me last night if my profile photo was the only pic I had on the site.. It's not like it's unclear or anything (it's a very close up shot of me) but this made me worry that perhaps she was doubting my attractiveness. What do you think?

beks101

Hi OP,

First thing - breathe. You need to calm down here. I completely appreciate how difficult this is for you and how it represents so much more than just a casual date for you, seeing as I'd imagine your BDD has caused you to cocoon yourself from many social situations in the past. But the bottom line is - this is just a date. There are thousands of people the country over going on them every day of the week.

I can tell you with 100% certainty right now that this girl is not going to notice a tooth that is positioned up in your gum, or a few small warts or any other of the trivial and insignificant physical features that are causing you untold anguish and stress right now.

We ladies don't notice these things, we take in the overall package - are you interesting? Are you interested in her life? Are you funny and able to laugh at yourself? And most importantly, are you confident?

Don't second guess her reasons for wanting to meet you, or her reason for wanting to see more photos of you. It's a dating site, you exchanged numbers and have been getting to know each other. This girl is interested and intrigued and wants to find out more about you, including getting a better picture of you. She is NOT thinking 'I bet he's really not that good looking', trust me. She wants more information, more photos so she can get a better picture of you because she's interested, that's all. Take it as a compliment!

I would worry that you will use this date and it's ultimate outcome as some form of validation on how you feel about yourself or to reinforce your BDD. Please don't torture yourself over this because you don't deserve to do this to yourself.

Some dates go well, some don't. Some dates result in a second, third, fourth date and even a relationship. Some go well but you never hear from the person again. We've all been there. I've been there, my ridiculously hot best friend has been there and I can assure you every person reading this thread has been there. Rejection is a fact of life and it is not the end of the world.

There may be instant chemistry from the second you lay eyes on each other, but you need to prepare yourself emotionally for the fact that there may not, and this does not mean that you are physically hideous. From how you have described people's reactions to you, this is clearly not the case. Women are pretty forgiving when it comes to looks anyway - it's far more about personality, attitude and confidence to the vast majority of us.

Rejection, or a less than ideal first date, doesn't make you unworthy, or useless, or devalued as a person - it's just a part of life that anyone who has dated has been through.

But most of us, just go and enjoy yourself. Wear something that makes you feel good about yourself, put a smile on your face even if you don't feel like it, tell her she looks nice, ask her questions about herself and 'fake it til you make it' on the confidence front. This could be a big turning point for you. Good luck! x

I am a friend

Lowinself wrote: »

I have never allowed myself ot get in a position where I could get rejected before

Well everyone has areas of their appearance we are not happy with and also have the same concerns you do before a first date.. I definitely used to and most people do.. thats normal. you can decide to run with fear of you can decide to brave rejection. I can assure you, without scaring you and on the dating scene you WILL BE rejected, everyone (except the lucky few) is at some time or another. Its easy to give up but do you want a life alone.

Nothing you are going through here is unusual.. ask 10 friends and they will all tell you the same. You can sit and look or jump in and take your chances. Sounds like you are ready to jump in but just need a wee push

Best of luck. Be nice to her, normal and yourself adn you cant go wrong.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the tips guys, I wouldn't have thought of some of them.

Just a thought.. I'm a musician and I'm performing at my local tomorrow, which I only just found out last minute. Do you think I should invite her to come along or would that be too much? Especially considering she did say she wanted to text some more before meeting.

Tbh though I'm usually under enough pressure on these nights as it is, so it may not be ideal.

Zen65

Lowinself wrote: »

I have never allowed myself ot get in a position where I could get rejected before, for fear of basically falling into severe depression. If I go and meet this person and she rejects me for physical reasons I don't know how I'd cope.

Lowinself, this might be your problem. Most guys get rejected a few times at an early age and learn to bounce back. Physical appearances are rarely enough the real reason for rejection, once you've broken the ice and started talking, or even texting. Confidence, humour, and even basic bodily hygiene are more important.

When I was a child I had a morbid fear of being stung by bees & wasps, though I had never actually been stung. One day a bee did sting me (my own fault) and I realised it didn't hurt all that much really. You might realise after one or two rejections that actually life does not stop once a girl has decided she doesn't really gel with you.

BTW... she probably wants more pics because she thinks you may have photo-shopped the photo that you've posted. Maybe she thinks you can't really look that attractive in real life?

So calm down, take this encounter as nothing more than your first sting, and amaze yourself at how easy it really is to cope with rejection.... especially in the early stages.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

BTW... she probably wants more pics because she thinks you may have photo-shopped the photo that you've posted. Maybe she thinks you can't really look that attractive in real life?

Well that's what I'm afraid she'll think. In the photo I'm looking at the camera with my head turned at a slight angle. I can't help but think I don't look anywhere near as good directly head on. I don't even know if that's even remotely possible or not.

I am a friend

Lowinself wrote: »

Well that's what I'm afraid she'll think. In the photo I'm looking at the camera with my head turned at a slight angle. I can't help but think I don't look anywhere near as good directly head on. I don't even know if that's even remotely possible or not.

Well maybe you need to build on your confidence before you start to date. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and in the flesh will never compare with a fab photo but guess what , neither does hers...

RonFan

Lowinself wrote: »

Well that's what I'm afraid she'll think. In the photo I'm looking at the camera with my head turned at a slight angle. I can't help but think I don't look anywhere near as good directly head on. I don't even know if that's even remotely possible or not.

Does your obsession with physical appearance transfer onto your opinion of her? Or is it apparent only when judging yourself? I would think it has to do with your values. If you cannot value yourself for anything more than just what you look like, I highly doubt you can someone else.

The way I would look at this is, anyone who would judge such a fact as a physical imperfection would not be worth the time. It is being confident enough to display this attitude that will get you far. Which only really applies when dealing with approaching women. In your case it is a different story altogether. She was on a dating site! she will probably not care what you look like. Let alone care about a couple of warts and one misplaced tooth.

LegacyUser

Feck it..

She sent me an online message this afternoon. I was on the site so responded back right away (asking her how her night out went) - she reads it and doesn't reply..

Funny how I always read about this happening on dating sites. Are they all like this? The other person just suddenly decides not to respond??

I'm that's that over then..

Giblet

Stop doing this to yourself, you have no idea what's going on yet, but you have already sabotaged it in your mind. Just take it easy, she will respond when she can, and if she doesn't, don't beat yourself up. Relax, you don't know the reasons she hasn't responded so don't wrack your brain

Distorted

OP, I think you should try and take on the good advice you have got on this thread. I'm not too sure you're thinking logically - you seem to be very hard on yourself and blowing certain things of little importance out of all proportion. I remember reading somewhere that shyness is a form of selfishness in a way - because the shy person thinks more about themself and their thoughts and feelings than the people they are speaking to or interacting with. I wonder if you might benefit from some cognitive behavioural therapy, which sort of retrains you to interact with people in a more positive way. You might also get some help to think about and assess what you want out of life. For example, do you want to have a girlfriend and a social life, or do you want to be alone?

I found your post interesting because I know a guy who is a bit like you. He is actually incredibly good looking but to be picky, quite short. He's intelligent, has a good job, a nice family and a good upbringing, and he used to have nice friends, but now he hardly gets invited to anything because he always says no and seems to have withdrawn from us. We just think he doesn't like us very much, yet he moans about having nothing in his life but work. He comes across as very selfish, unfriendly and rude. He might not be, but that is the impression he gives. He's 30 now and I would hope he would wake up somehow and learn to interact with people a bit more, because he seems unhappy the way he is. He has never had a girlfriend and has turned down at least 4 girls, including me, who have asked him out (and he wasn't even nice about it). Basically I can see the person he is turning into and its not nice.

As for your so-called physical faults, who is perfect? Next time you're in a supermarket, have a look at the average person and you will see that they are far from perfect! Don't be so hard on yourself!

Birdsong

OP you are thinking about things way too much, you mentioned she asked what what you were doing in an earlier post, to me this sounds like she wants to know more about you - what do you do on your weekend. This would be a pretty normal question to ask someone online or off line. If I was her, i would find your answer sharp.

I have done on-line dating for a while, and I think you need to stop concentrating on this one girl, there are lots of girls on line, be messaging them, if they don't answer so what, you don't have to answer every message you get either.

BTW don't invite this girl to a gig your playing, if a guy asked me I would be saying no, it doesn't give me an opportunity to find out about the guy, nothing like a drink or a coffee.

If you don't click, don't worry about it,take it as learning experiance & move onto the next girl.
guys have often messaged me & I didn't answer immediatily, somethng might have come up, maybe the phone rang.

Stop thinking so much, and make the most of on-line dating, you maybe lucky, buts its all part of the learning curve.

LegacyUser

Okay well you guys were right it seems. She txted me later that night and apologized for not getting back to me earlier. I asked her if I could call her and she agreed. So we talked on the phone for 10mins or so, she seemed shy so we went back to txting for a while.

Somone else has advised me that I shouldn't leave it too much longer before suggesting we meet up. I had done that before but she said she wanted to talk more first. So I told her to let me know when she's ready.

So should I wait until she let's me know? Or will I make the suggestion again? I don't want to sound pushy. Tbh though I just want to get this over with..

Giblet

Just take it at her pace, if she already suggested to talk more and seems shy on the phone, don't push anything. You've made some progress, so stick with it. Good luck!

LegacyUser

Okay well last night she suggested that we should meet. We ended up arranging it for today, early evening. Might be a bit early for a drink, so I'm thinking a coffee place would be the best location.

Thing is we're meeting up in a part of the city I'm not familiar with so I wouldn't know where to suggest we go. Is there anything wrong with letting her decide?

So some last minute advice would be great. Thanks.

And oh btw, she asked me if I would put up another photo for her last night. That really put me on the spot and I was convinced that would be it (i'd put it up and wouldn't hear from her after that). However to my surprise, even though I put up a direct head on view of myself, she instantly messaged me back. Then shortly afterwards she suggested the meet up.

Giblet

Sounds good. I'd look up online for some local coffee places, but if she suggests somewhere, go for it, but have a backup in mind in case she asks. Just be confident, the most important thing is to meet up, not really where you go as long as you get time to talk and have a decent time. No need to worry mate, you've made it this far.

LegacyUser

Okay thanks Giblet. I will do that.

Being/appearing confident is easier said than done for me though. Anyway so I'll be sure to give an update later on.

LegacyUser

And if you do mess up a bit, just laugh it off. Everyone is nervous on dates so it's totally normal to have an awkward moment or something but that's not a problem as long as you don't take it too seriously!

LegacyUser

Didn't work out. I was just not attracted to her. She looked completely different to what I was expecting given her photos. I'm devasted. Yes I'm aware it's ironic so please don't bother pointing that out. Anyway I let her down as politely as I could shortly after I got back.

This has just reinforced the fact that I am not attractive and will never be able to be with anyone I find attractive, therefore would rather be on my own. I have no life and my appearence is the sole cause of that.

Just when I thought things were looking up for me, reality prevails and it all comes crashing down.

chainsaws

This has just reinforced the fact that I am not attractive and will never be able to be with anyone I find attractive, therefore would rather be on my own. I have no life and my appearence is the sole cause of that.

Hey OP
The easiest way to get around your women problems is also the hardest way.
You have to bite the bullet and when you see a cracker you like, just go right up to her and start a conversation, be friendly, cheerful, crack a few jokes and just make a date to see a show or take her to the pictures or go for a drink if you think she's interested.
Your heart might be about to explode in your chest but you just have to go and do it.
If she says no, so what? Big deal. Her loss.
Just go after another girl.
It's all a numbers game.
Think of it this way. If there are a hundred women in a room, you can be sure that least one of them will go out with you? If not, well if you go around and try to talk to as many of the women in the room, you'll have great time anyway. Female company is female company.
Learn to enjoy being around women, learn to like women and really take an interest in what they feel and what they have to say and you can't go wrong.
Don't look at it like it's a battle.
See it as an adventure.:D

I know a big ugly fat bloke who has an absolutely beautiful wife and kids.
He's a really jolly guy and nobody cares how he looks.
Women don't put looks as No.1 on their list. They like men who are confident and charming.
You have to work on being a confident guy who is unafraid of talking to people and takes an real interest in them as human beings instead of living inside your own head and thinking the world is against you.

LegacyUser

chainsaws I'm sorry but that's BS.

I'm a musician, full time, and that requires confidence (granted a different type), yet I've never once noticed or gotten interest from girls I'd find attractive.

I haven't drank alone for about a year now, but I think tonight calls for an exception.

chainsaws

Lowinself wrote: »

chainsaws I'm sorry but that's BS.

I'm a musician, full time, and that requires confidence (granted a different type), yet I've never once noticed or gotten interest from girls I'd find attractive.

I haven't drank alone for about a year now, but I think tonight calls for an exception.

Do you think women are going to come right up and talk to you and tell you they are attracted to you? There are very very few women who do that.
Despite all this feminist girl power stuff and Sex and The City rubbish, my friends and I have never been approached by women.
The only way to find out if a woman likes you is to make the moves yourself and they are attracted to guys who have the guts to talk to them.
Most women still expect guys to make all the moves.
You just have to go up and talk to them.
That's how you find out if they are interested.
A guy has no other way of finding out.
More than likely there were girls watching you play music, fancied you and were waiting for you to make a move and then just lost patience.
As I said before you are living inside your own head.
You have to realize that women are all around you - the girl in the shop might be checking you out and you wouldn't know it.
A girl who might be sitting on the bus might want you to sit next to her and kiss her.
I was in the National Gallery one time and I saw this American girl and I just said 'Feck it. I've nothing to lose.' We got talking about art, I did a goofy impression of George W. Bush, we got a coffee, we held hands and we just kissed. Later that night we went out to dinner, a nightclub, got drunk and we went back to her hotel room.
If I hadn't done anything, nothing would have ever happened.

thefeatheredcat

Lowinself wrote: »

Didn't work out. I was just not attracted to her. She looked completely different to what I was expecting given her photos. I'm devasted. Yes I'm aware it's ironic so please don't bother pointing that out. Anyway I let her down as politely as I could shortly after I got back.

This has just reinforced the fact that I am not attractive and will never be able to be with anyone I find attractive, therefore would rather be on my own. I have no life and my appearence is the sole cause of that.

Just when I thought things were looking up for me, reality prevails and it all comes crashing down.

OP,

I've read through this thread a few times... A couple of things stood out for me...

I recall you said you were a bit surprised she was contacting you in the first place because on her photos on the site she was very attractive... and after the build up to meeting her, you finally did and you weren't attracted to her. I can understand your disappointment and even if you feel somewhat deceived. That you can put down to experience and people being people. Yknow I recall a guy I used to know - judging by his emails he was very poetic, very romantic, very happy and positive. But in real life as I knew him he was the opposite. Sometimes people can be as fake as they want.

But putting physical attraction aside, were you attracted to her personality?

I also wondered, since you haven't experienced rejection, would it be possible that you rejected her first so you wouldn't have to experience rejection?

As for being a musician.... girls going up to guys who are musicians does happen, I've done it myself a few times before in the whole 'life is too short' mind set. And not in the whole screaming and being a groupie kind of way, more in the artistic/creative admiration way and ended up having great chats and a laugh. Didn't lead to romance, but it did bring friendship.
Unfortunately i've also met musicians who would have preferred if I was the screaming groupie and didn't give me the time of day when they realised I wasn't throwing my knickers at them.

And yes, you're right, being a musician requires a different type of confidence - there are people I've met who would have no problem in performing on stage or in a small closed group, but these same people would not naturally be the most confident when it came to the opposite sex. The difference is the level of confidence within one's self and the belief in the ability of the artistic talent they possess. Same goes for writers and artists I've met.

My concern is the BDD - are you getting the help that you need for this? Maybe it is better and more safe for your mental health at this point to focus on overcoming this than beating yourself up more. Get comfortable in yourself again and be alone, allow what you feel to come through in your music and the loneliness and everything in general you feel to inspire you.

A woman with a mature mindset will be interested in going deeper than physical looks - personally I would be looking for how honest is this person, how do they treat others, what values do they have, how much value do they place on money, how responsible are they with themselves and personal safety, bills, how mature emotionally are they, do they live in their own bubble of affairs or do they know what's going on in the world and in the lives of close friends and family, are they apathetic or empathic people, things like that. If the right qualities on that track are there, looks are far less important.

Bottle_of_Smoke

You need to realise getting rejected doesn't feel that bad.

I can assure you it is nowhere as bad as making yourself miserable by never trying.

beks101

I say this without any intention of causing offence - it's just something that occurred to me.

Maybe your BDD provides you with an aspect of control in your life that you feel you wouldn't otherwise have.

After all it's easy to get wrapped up inside your own head and not have to deal with the reality of what's going on in the outside world. Equally, it's easy to have your appearance as something to instantly blame whenever something goes wrong in your life - getting rejected, not clicking with someone you had high hopes for, not having success with the opposite sex in general, and many more. It's any easy way of 'making sense' of a situation that feels like it's out of your control.

But - and I say this without disregarding the anguish and torment that BDD is obviously causing you - this is the easy way out. You don't have to look at yourself as a whole person and you don't have to worry about working on your personality, your sociability around women, your life and interests and hobbies and your reasons for suffering from poor self esteem and low confidence...when you can just worry about a few warts on your hands and the fact that someone seeing more than one photo of you might 'give the game away.'

You're in a rut, but it's a comfortable rut and you're there for a reason. I'm no psychologist and all of this is just my humble opinion, but I would predict that you will continue to feel unattractive and hideous and like you 'have no life and you're appearance is the sole cause of that' until you face your BDD head on and commit yourself to getting to the real root of your appearance issues. It's not about a few warts and I think you know that. I think you owe it to yourself to start to deal with your confidence issues and whatever is in your past that has led you up this path.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life loathing what you see in the mirror to the point where it controls your life and makes you beyond miserable?

As thefeatheredcat said, it's probably time you faced your BDD head on in whatever way you need to - I would strongly recommend professional therapy - and forget about the opposite sex for a while. Commit yourself to getting through this because no relationship you develop with a girl while you're living this personal hell is going to make you happy.

I am a friend

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

You need to realise getting rejected doesn't feel that bad.

I can assure you it is nowhere as bad as making yourself miserable by never trying.

this is a really really good point