Crazy about ex-girlfriend

LegacyUser

Well, she's not directly doing so on purpose.

I had a girlfriend - we "broke up" about 2 months ago. It was a summer thing we both moved back away to where we lived - she lives in America, I live in Ireland. We're both 20/21. We still keep in contact.

Problem is, I'm still mad about her. At times I sort of took her for granted when she was there but now I'm going crazy thinking about her and, I can't see her again. I don't want to cut her out of my life - she means so much to me still, and I to her (I would like to think so anyway).

I've never had a relationship of any kind before. Is there any way to make it easier? That's a stupid question actually, I feel like I want someone to tell me a magic word and everything will be better but it won't be. It's wrecking my head. I can't not think about her. I thought I was over the worst part but every emotion I've had for her seems to have been bottled up and there's been a huge outbreak of hurt in the last couple of days.

I seem to finally have realised that I will never, ever be with her. I think I've held onto this notion that we will end up together in the future living in the same country - as if that'll ever happen!! - I may see her once or twice more but it's unlikely to be anything more than that and then even if I do see her, it's not as if we're still going out.

I know if I meet her next year sometime and she has a boyfriend then, I'll be crushed. Well that's how I feel now maybe it won't be so bad then, I don't know. She may even have a boyfriend now, I haven't asked her. I don't know if I want to know, or whether it's even any of my business.

What do you think? Should I cut her out of my life entirely? Even if it doing that will be the single, most difficult thing I've ever done? I don't know if I could go through with it tbh. I know I couldn't actually. The pain of not being able to email her and see how she's doing will be unbearable.

Sometimes I feel as if she's completely fine over this. That she has no feelings on this at all. That it's only me who feels this way. That the world is against me basically, that this happened to f*ck with my head. I know I'm being unreasonable but I can't help letting these paranoid notions creep into my head at times.

I know she's hurting too, but I think she's been ok with not seeing me for a while now. That's what hurts the most - I seem to have come out of this much worse off. Well at least I think so - it's hard to gauge feelings through emails. She's had boyfriends before me, she has some experience on what to do. I've never had anyone as close to me as she was. Even writing this is difficult. I don't know how to feel or what to do.

In some ways I hate her for making me feel the way I am now - a worthless sack of emotions.

I have to think positively: That we had a fantastic time together; that there is no one I would rather have been with than her this summer; that I will look back on our time together fondly and cherish the memories in a few years. But I can't. I feel as if I'll never meet anyone who even comes close to being half the girl she is. She is the most amazing person I've ever met and it's killing me that I can't be with her. It's killing me that she's going out to nightclubs in America and meeting some douchebags that will treat her like sh*t.

I know that I should "be the person she was attracted to originally" and that if she saw me now, she probably wouldn't look at me twice. It's hard though. I don't know how to get myself back on track. I thought I was healing but that was just a false dawn, the calm before the storm.

A part of me knows that I'm inflating her personality as well. That I'm putting her on a pedestal. That I'm raising her up so much that she can do no wrong. That's certainly not the case. I know she's not perfect - that's what I love about her - she has her flaws but the positives majorly outweigh the negatives.

It kills me that she's out there and I can't have her. If she was living here, or if I was living in America near her, I would do everything I could to keep onto her. At least then I could say that I tried if things didn't work out. I have a feeling they would have worked though if we were geographically closer to each other.

I wasn't in love with her at the time I think but I know I could quite easily have fallen in love with her. I have no experience with love and I don't know what it is, or how to know whether or not I'm in love in someone but my gut feeling is that she is someone I could have easily fallen in love with. Now I think that I was in love with her but I don't know whether that is my longing for her clouding my judgement or not.

I would really, really, really appreciate some advice here. I feel like I'm lost and I don't know my way home.

She's once in a lifetime girl and I feel as if our time together was over far too soon. I would do anything to be with her again. Anything. It kills me that I don't think I'll ever find someone like her again. No one can come close to her and right now, I don't want anyone to.

LegacyUser

Hey man I know exactly how you feel 100%! But remember its only been 2 months, I have been broken up with my ex bf about 6 months now and I'm still healing.

What was the exact reason for your breakup OP? Have you told her how you felt? It really sounds like you love her.

LegacyUser

Well it was a summer thing, it always was going to end when I went home from California (where she's from). I just let myself fall for her when I possibly shouldn't have. We discussed going out but logistically it wouldn't work - we'd see each other maybe one time a year at most. It's too far away and too difficult to get to each other for both of us. She wasn't too keen on the idea of it and I can't say I disagree with her. Not that that is helping how I feel about her now. I think if we were living closer to each other we would still be together now. Again that's not really helping.

I don't think telling her how I feel now is a good idea. We both miss each other and I have said it to her before that I miss her alot and she said she does too. I don't want to burden her with my feelings and I don't want her to see me like this - emotional and clingy. That's not attractive at all.

In the end, I want her to be happy. If that's without me in her life then I suppose so be it. If she's happy then I'm happy.

LegacyUser

Well have to say man, you cannot control who you fall for. It does seem like the long distance thing is a big problem! Your way too young for a long distance I think. I'm only 20 and I don't think I would, but thats just me.

It is real brave of ya to let her go, but ya will find someone again. I know you still really miss her, but all I can say is that time is the only thing that will make ya feel better. It's your 1st love as well, which is the hardest! I'm going through exact same thing, but it has gotten so much easier.

Its hard to get the idea out of your head of someone else filling that gap, but you will! Just head out with mates, do stuff that make ya feel good bout yourself.

You sound like a genuine bloke and i'm sure you will have no trouble finding love again

LegacyUser

Oh come on, over 200 views and 1 person has responded cheers everyone.


shyguy thanks for your advice. I understand what your saying but I don't want to believe you. I can't believe you. I don't want anyone else. I want her. I feel like such a loser sitting here writing this - I'm nearly in tears typing. I used to think heartbreak was just an expression but boy was I wrong.

I don't want to do anything though, I don't want to go out with friends, I don't want to do college work, I don't want to do anything but just coast through like a ghost at the moment. I'm already behind in college work and we've only been back a month. I'm doing nothing at all. My sleep patterns are destroyed, I lie awake thinking of her every night. I even dream about her.

Sometimes I can understand why people drink in their despair - it seems so much easier to get wasted and ko and get a solid nights sleep than having to face another sleepless night tormented by her memory. Not saying that I would or will do that but I can see the appeal of it.

You say I'll have no trouble finding love again, I find that hard to believe. I turned 21 in August and I've never had a girlfriend before her. I've never even dated anyone before her. With her, it was just easy to talk to her, to ask her out etc...She was the exception - I don't know how to chat up girls, to ask them out. I get someone interested in me and then I blow it.

Even if I was some Don Juan, I don't want anyone to replace her. In my eyes nobody can replace her ever. She is everything I admire in a person. She even has qualities that I look for that I didn't even realise I looked for until I found her. To top that off she is so unbelievably cool and modest - not a hint of arrogance about her even though she could be a supermodel she's that incredibly good looking. She has guys asking her out almost every day. When I first met her I thought she would be a stuck up cow - God was I wrong.

It's just my luck that I meet someone I value so much and they end up living on the other side of the world.

kjl

they paved paradise to put up a parking lot.

You never know what the future holds, but that's life.

LegacyUser

Man I know its so hard right now! But you have to put her out of your head and get on with life. She would want the same for you. If you keep thinking about her your only going to make the process of healing long. You are not the only person going through a breakup man. Its only your first, consider it a learning experience.

As for not being able to chat up girls, thats all just practice man. Just have to be yourself! I know its easier said than done but you'll get better!

If you feel like you have to vent yourself, talk to your friends, thats what their there for

Just remember shes not the only girl with amazing qualities. For all you know the next girl with similar qualities could live around the corner for you.

Just get out of the house and do something that makes you happy. Time to yourself is what you need!

LegacyUser

I try to put her out of my head and I have 20 things to remind me of her - this was her favourite song, this was her favourite film, she likes this too, she likes these whatever etc...

Everyday I can't help but get vivid flashbacks of our time together. I'm in a lecture and I daydream for a second and suddenly I'm thinking of her and then my concentration is gone for the rest of the lecture.

I want to get over her but I want to keep in touch with her. Ye, I want my cake and eat it too. It would kill me to not being able to see how she's doing but I suppose I have to think of myself too. It's not helping me at all. But I've been considering that maybe I don't want to get over her. Not yet anyways. I don't know. It's horrible. I can't cut her out of my life. I don't want to. I can never do that I think. She was afraid I would completely ignore her and forget about her when I went home. I told her I wouldn't and I would stay in touch. I don't intend to break that promise and also, I don't want to break it.

It's self defeating but I want to keep in contact with her.

LegacyUser

Its normal to think about things that remind you of her. I'm the same, when I'm in college nearly every lecture I get side tracked and thing about my ex. But ya have to remember when you find someone else your going to be day dreaming about them.

I know what you mean about keeping in touch, but it would be better for yourself to cut her out for now. Its only going to make moving on harder. When you've gotten over her, then see how you feel, by then someone else could come into your life. You may not even think about her then. If your gonna say that you don't want to move on then talk to her.

You can't keep in contact with her in my opinion. It will hurt twice as much if you find out she's dating other guys. Do what you think is best for yourself

Dr. Zeus

OP,

Am sorry for your pain. Breaking up with someone you love is hard work and takes an emotional toll. The good news is what you are going through now it the worst of it. You are looking back on your amazing time together probabaly slightly through rose tinted glasses as you were still in the honeymoon stage it sounds.

have been there similar story to yours actually (Boston not Cali) and remember how **** it feels. Really believed that life would never be the same again and I would never find anyone that I could be happy with. The thing is you do move on. Our survival instinct makes up move on. Not saying it it easy and will take time but it will get better, I know you don't believe that now but you will just have to take my word for it.

I know this may sound dramatic but a psychiatrist friend of mine told me that a tough break up can lead to the same feelings as a death of someone close. The emotions you experience can be the same feelings as grief- denial, anger, depression, placing the person on a pedestal, feeling that life will never be the same.

maybe stop looking at this as all negative and try and add in some positive. You met this great girl and had an amazing intimate connection with- some people go through their whole life never even having that for 5 mins.

The world is a small place these days who knows where you or she will end up living but for the moment concentrate on living. You probably will find that when you meet girls you will be comparing them to this amazing ex at first so be prepared for that as it might set you back.

There will be set backs along the way so bear that in mind. You can have good days where you think you are over her and then something reminds you and you feel you are right back at square one. Your feelings at the moment are entirely normal. You have suffered a great loss. Be patient and kind with yourself.

Remember this too will pass. Good luck OP.