Boyfriend doesnt appreciate me...

LegacyUser

Ok so posting this because I am really stumped about what to do in this situation. Have been with my boyfriend for about four months now, and although its not really that long of a time, we are absolutely crazy about each and spent near everyday together over summer. the thing is we are bit of a longdistance relationship, which isnt really the problem.

Over summer everything was great and although we didnt do much but hang around with each other we still went out etc with all our friends. So everything was great. The thing is I feel really unappreciated now that we are apart the majority of the time. He kinda is all talk, and no action if you know what I mean?

Always says we will do things together, but we end up doing nothing. This issue has only arisen more predominently recently because I bought him tickets for a match which cost me a LOT of money, I dnt really mind that because its his 21st and I wanted to give him something really special, but its ending up that I have to pay for flights/hotel etc and I am kinda broke from the summer. I dont mind having to live on barely nothing the rest of the time but feel that he doesnt really appreciate the fact of how much I am giving up.

It kinda puts more sting in it that last month it was my 21st, and he got me nothing. Im not normally a jealous person but last week he bought his girl bestfriend an amazing present, and I know that he doesnt know me that long, but I know that he is the one for me. I know it makes him seem like soo stingy and tight, but he really isnt and offers to pay when we go out for food etc. It just feels that I put a lot more effort into the relationship than he does. I give him a fair bit of credit because this is his first relationship and not mine, so I know this is all knew to him. But i cant help feeling really emotional about this, and like maybe he doesnt really feel the way he says?

Everything is always great when we are together, but when we are apart... these things come into my head and make me question how much he genuinly cares about me.

Its not like I want him to spend a lot either , but he didnt even get me a card. I know how this makes me sound... but I just want more thought...


Am I being unreasonable? And should I say something to him?

Any advice would be really appreciated

RandyMann

Sort of reminds me of an old Beetle's song- "Can't buy me Love" .

Sardonicat

OP, I don't mean to sound harsh, but why would you lavish such a massive birthday gift on someone you have only been going out with for 4 months and who didn't even get you a card on your birthday?!

It seems to me that he doesn't really feel as strongly for you as you do for him. And with you lavishing so much on him he has no incentive to come clean about the imbalance in your feelings for eachother.

You can't buy someone's affection, and he was sending very clear signals to you about how serious (or not) he thinks this relationship is when he did not even acknowledge your birthday.

I don't think you are in a position to complain about feeling under appreciated having been given a signal like that and not taking it on board.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, sometimes it's hard to see what we don't want to see.

LegacyUser

i know it makes no sense... and i dont really know how to explain it, but we are both mad for each other, he has done a lot of things and really been there for me in a lot of other ways. And besides this he really is great....

But now looking at it all is making me question things a lot, and maybe you are right...

It makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking he may be taking advantage?

Faith

I'd agree largely with sardonicat. You knew he didn't get you anything for your birthday, not even a card, so why did you get him something so expensive? My ex and I had been going out for about 4 months when we spent our first christmas together. I was head over heels in love, and I would have bought him the world, but as far as I can remember I got him a few small things that I knew he'd really appreciate.

You need to remember that you can give someone a really special gift that doesn't cost a lot of money. If you don't have the money to comfortably spare, you shouldn't be spending it - especially when it's not just tickets, it's now tickets, flights and a hotel. That must be costing you hundreds! :eek:. One of the things I got my ex was a 16oz Starbucks mug that cost about £5, because he really loved Starbucks when he came to visit me. He loved it and I rarely saw it out of his hand.

Gifts don't exist so that the receiver must appreciate how much you spent on them. If you can't afford it, and you feel taken for granted, and assuming you've already given him the tickets, then put your foot down and insist that you both split the cost of the flights and hotel. And next time remember that it's not money that makes a gift great, and don't get caught in a situation where you have to pay more than you can afford.

Ickle Magoo

RandyMann infracted.

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Many thanks.
Ickle

LegacyUser

He didn't even get you a CARD?! Stingy bastard in fairness. Get a refund on the tickets, say to him that you're sorry but can't afford it as you thought you had more money, and then see what he says.

If it's eating you up this much, OP, you really need to sit down and talk to him... even if things are amazing when you're together. Tell him that you really care about him but were disappointed that you didn't get so much as a card for your birthday. I wouldn't care about a big expensive present, but even a tiny acknowledgement goes a long way.

LegacyUser

confusedmuch wrote: »

It kinda puts more sting in it that last month it was my 21st, and he got me nothing. Im not normally a jealous person but last week he bought his girl bestfriend an amazing present,

He got you nothing for your birthday, yet was thoughtful enough to buy a present for his female friend? He fancies his female friend if that's the case!
As for forking out wads of cash for his birthday, you were a fool to do so. Cut your cloth to measure-only spend what you can afford.
I think (looking at the way he got a present for his friend, and not for you) that you're not his top priority in his life. If you're able to put up with being second best, then stay with him. If you can't, then find someone else who values you and respects you.

Zen65

Are you sure he knew it was your birthday? Did he wish you a happy birthday?

If he knew, and got you nothing, then he almost certainly did not feel the same way about you that you feel about him.


Be at peace,

Z

RacoonQueen

Reading this gave me a few flashbacks of one of my exes.

You need to talk to him, if he'll let you. Find out where you stand with him. If you have to get out, get out NOW. Otherwise you will end up really, really hurt if he doesn't want what you do, if he doesn't know what he wants, just be patient but be wary at the same time. Look after YOU.

Been in a couple of long distance relationships myself and I think the distance is what really did them in. I don't think you can really get to know someone when you just get to hang out with them once a week or so and the majority of your communication is via the internet or over text.

LegacyUser

I agree with Racoon Queen 100%! Have a talk with him. My relationship with my ex was only based over text and the net. Never got phone calls, I didnt feel appreciated at all. If he doesnt show any appreciation, get out while ya can. Sounds harsh but it will save you the pain down the road, theres others out there that will appreciate you more!

darad

Are you going out with him, I mean is he your boyfriend, are you sure, it all sounds soooo casual?

ApeXaviour

confusedmuch wrote: »

I know that he is the one for me.

... what on earth gave you that idea? Is it an arbitrary choice? Is it because you have to chase after his affection?

Follow RacoonQueens advice