Really need some outsiders perspective

LegacyUser

Hi guys. Having a few issues in my relationship at the moment and feel i need some perspective. Im not sure anymore whats acceptable or what i should be able to forgive and forget, and what i shouldnt.

Ill start from the top, sorry if this ends up long and drawn out...
So... Me and my boyfriend got a lift to a retail park with his mum to buy a table for my boyfriends new office in the apartment we share together.
On the way out of the store his mother said to us both is there anything else you'd like to shop for while we're here (neither of us have a car so cant make it to this retail park on our own and therefore never go out there)
I said to him mostly, do you want to go into Aldi or Lidl while we're here to get some shopping (as its cheaper there) to which my boyfriend said in a very disapproving manner "No, if we're going to do food shopping we'll do it on our own time not on my mums".
Right then i felt quite uncomfortable and slightly embarrassed that i had suggested we do shopping while his mother waited for us and he then says no making me think perhaps i had been inconsiderate.
Anyway we got back in the car and she dropped us home.
When we got into the apartment block i said to my boyfriend that i was pretty embarrassed over the shopping thing and that this was the 2nd time i felt embarrassed with his parents over something like this (the first time being with his dad, who offered to build us a screen for my boyfriends new office and suggested i cover it with material while my boyfriend was away with work, which i excitedly agreed to only for my boyfriend to say that his dad was far too busy and he would only say these things because he cant refuse to help people. Again i felt like i was inconsiderate taking up his offer)
So i tell my boyfriend i was embarrassed and he just gets incredibly angry.
A massive row ensues. He starts getting slightly aggressive, coming towards me while we're debating how i could, why i should / shouldnt, have gotten embarrassed, sticking his face right up into my face in our kitchen and shouting in my face. I put my hands out to his chest and push him away so he's at a comfortable distance, he finally backs away out of the doorway and shouts in my face that im a "whore" to which I close the door on him.
I sit down in the living room where he left me and wait for him to clam down.
So after a while he comes in and makes himself tea, gets himself a biscuit, says nothing to me at all, no apology, makes a point of ignoring me and not apologising, and walks back out. I said notihng at all.
So after 5 mins i feel quite annoyed at this.
I go into him and say im upset that he came in and didnt apologise or say anything to me, but he just gets all aggro again and starts shouting at me that im such a crap person, all i ever do is row with everyone, im a major problem, no one can relate to me because i cant act like normal people can and this is why i have no friends. He also insulted my family. He said look at the state of your whole family, look at your brothers, they are both freaks and cant behave normally in society, but look at me, im outgoing and everyone loves me. I asked him what were my brothers to do with anything, and he said clearly it means that youre the problem here, it shows by your family and the fact that i have more friends than you, no one likes you, you cant make friends like normal people or bahave like normal people like i can.
All this time i was just standing there asking why are you saying all this horrible stuff to me, why cant you just talk to me and stop being so aggressive. He also threw things across the room.
I might add at this point that i moved to his home town about 2 months ago to live with him, and had confided in him only days previously how i was really sad about not having friends down here yet and that i feel quite alone sometimes, and a friend of mine who is not very well recently told me she didnt want to talk to me again out of the blue for no reason when she is already completely isolated, has no other friends and is pretty mentally unstable. I told him how i was concerned about this and hurt also that this girl who was one of my best friends could just vanish from my life like that.
He was therefore saying things to me that he thought would hurt me the most, and with such venom and bitterness it really hurt. I asked for an apology for calling me a whore and he said no. I asked for apologies for everything he said and he just refused. So i left.
His mother said i could stay in his parents house that night so i was makign my way there but my boyfriend begged me to come back and talk so i said i would after some prompting from him.
I came back and he said he was REALLY sorry, that none of the things he said were true nor did he mean them, and that he just knew all these things were where i would hurt the most and he was being really nasty on purpose.
I think at that point i just wanted us to make up but i did feel that was a little worrying that he would purposely try to hurt me like that and all over me saying i was embarrassed at a situation with his mum.
The next day he was back to his "I love you" 's and youre the greatest person ever, and acting like nothing had happened.
I dont know if i should be concerned about this kinda stuff for the future or if i should just let it go and stay with him and be happy.
Are these signs that he will have that level of disrespect for me again and again over minor things as we go through our lives, because i dont think i could take that,
or is it just one of those things were couples have rows and you just forgive and move on???
I need some help with this, i feel i need an outsiders point of view.
PS: This is not the first time he's been cruel and nasty like this in arguements over minor things like asking him too many times what;s wrong with him; asking him a question the wrong way; etc etc
He is quite a moody person but only to those closest to him and im the first proper girlfriend hes had, and the first partner hes lived with.
He has lots of good friends who he's never treat this way, but his family are aware of his mood swings like i am.
Just dont know what to do anymore...
All advice accepted with thanks

rathbaner

Shocking! This behaviour is utterly out of order. I would not tolerate being treated like that for a moment and nor should you.

He's a bully. You must have some self respect about this and draw a line in the sand quickly.
The fact that you're so vulnerable at the moment may be driving him on.

You simply must stand up to him and make him behave better.

But where does all his anger come from? He is in his first serious relationship. Perhaps he has felt suffocated by his parents in the past and is conditioned to expect the same from you? Whatever the answer I doubt that he will tell you even if he knows himself.

babs78

Wow.

Reading the first paragraph or two of your post I thought you might have been a bit oversensitive about his remark concerning the shopping etc, but reading the rest of your post his behaviour towards you is unacceptable.

He sounds like a bully with anger issues. Its not right to be in your face, and call you a whore etc. and then to refuse to apologise is childish, stubborn and nasty.

Arguing in a realtionship can be healthy but it sounds as if he doesn't know how to argue 'properly'. Yes, people can say things that they don't mean in arguments but he seems to take it to the extreme and the issues/arguments seem to arise out of minor events.

You need to make it clear to him that this behaviour is beyond unacceptable and tell him what teh consquences will beif he treats you like that again.

kjl

No offence there OP, but you boyfriend sounds like a total plonker.

How dare he talk to you that way for expressing your concerns, especially as your concerns were with how HIS parents saw you. He sounds quite emotionally unstable. People argue all the time, but to call you a whore, and pick on you like is below the belt.

What I would do is wait for all this to blow over, then when he is completely calm tell him that you will never accept him talking to you like that again and if he does you are leaving him there and then. Explain to him that trying to hurt you feelings because he is mad at you in neither grown up or the traits of someone you want to be in a relationship with. You have to be firm with him, and make sure he know that this behaviour is unacceptable.

After you tell him all this, make him swear to never do it again.

Give the guy a second chance but if he does do this again, you have to leave him. Trust me, you do not want to be in a relationship with some like that anyway.

LegacyUser

He never felt soffocated by his parents, i think more the opposite. He's been stubborn all his life. His parents have stories about him when he was 4/5 being very stubborn and through his teenage years as well etc. I wont tell the stories in case people he knows read this.
His mother is one of the most relaxed women you could meet. Let him do what he wanted when he wanted, never questioned him, never gave out. He sometimes says to me, if i just told my mother to drop it she would, or if i tell my mother "nothing" when she asks whats wrong she just leaves it at that etc, but his own mother said to me herself that she loves him to bits and hes a very loving person but that is also very selfish. And that shes not his girlfriend and thats different, that he shouldnt treat me like that (about another incident)
His father has said the same to me, that he thinks he treats me badly.
I should add, hes a poker player.
I think sometimes if not all the time his play affects his mood and makes his temper very short. He plays professionally at the moment so thats basically his full time job.
The only times i see him cry are over poker, bad runs, losing tournaments, but sometimes he lies and says its not the poker he's upset about maybe losing me (even if the row was 2 days ago and he wasnt upset then) he makes a cover for it.
Hes really good i also have to add. Hes made some good scores and hes sponsored to play.
I still dont know if this is just the way some people are and you just learn to live with it or if i should walk if it ever happens again.
I really love this guy but i feel im starting to feel our good days now are more empty and fake when theyre coming after days where there was bursts of verbal abuse, and aggression where hes done things like squeeze my wrists to physically hurt me.
Do i just try to handle him better, or do i walk? Its hard but i dont want this hurt every so often for the rest of my life. Thanks

seenitall

rathbaner wrote: »

You simply must stand up to him and make him behave better.

No one can make anyone behave any better. Except by use of force or if we are talking about Gardai, in some instances... This point is important because this kind of bullying will go unpunished and unhindered as long as there is an enabler/victim nearby to believe all the "I'm sorry's" and "won't happen again's". And she will believe it by convincing herself that she has finally made him behave better.

OP, it doesn't look good. The things this guy was saying to you are beyond nasty, and I don't care about his being moody or whatnot, you deserve to be treated much, much better than that in an argument with a loved one. The long and the short of it, he is an abusive jerk, and he has already started you wondering on whether you are blowing his unacceptable behaviour out of proportion, i.e. he has started to wear down your self-esteem and perception of reality.

If I were you, I would be out the door, and back to my own life so quickly he wouldn't have time to say boo. Why? Because even only one such "argument" would make me fall thoroughly, irrevocably out of love with a person like this. I have worked too hard on my self-esteem only for some bully to mess with it. No way.

I'm sure you will get advice on here to stick it through, and suggest counselling to him etc. It's up to you, but frankly, I wouldn't think it worth my time to offer compassion and sympathy to someone who treated me like that.

Anyhow, best wishes!

LegacyUser

Thanks Seenitall.
The thing is also, that since i moved down here to live with him 2 months ago, i started going to therapy myself. He knows this, and he knows my family relationships damaged my self-esteem somewhat, though ive worked on it a lot and have a lot of self respect now and self-esteem also.
I feel he does know how to knock me, and he knows im sensitive to these kind of put-downs, which makes it hurt all the more that he would try to cause this hurt in me to make himself feel better.

I did tell him when we were making up that evening if things like this happen again i wont be able to love him anymore, but he just got angry again, and i do feel like my trust is fading. I told him that about the trust yesterday. I told him we need to not row like that again and that it will taint our entire relationship, that even our sex in the 2 days afterwards felt more empty for me.
After i said it to him like this, later on in the evening, he told me "i know i probably deserved for you to say that stuff earlier, but i am kind of mad about it. It was hard to hear that stuff, i mad that you said it like that, ive apologised already etc, and i was trying to work afterwards"
Again, i thought this was a little unreasonable / selfish but i let it go.
Im starting to feel like his poker play is the most important thing in his life. Ie: his work.
I have to do / say things a certain way so as not to put him on "tilt" or in bad form etc so he can play better poker.
Hes not an addict though, i know that for sure, and hes quite good with his bankroll etc.
Ill give it more time and if these patterns of behaviour continue ill walk away.
Thanks for all the responses guys!

ppink

Op have to say I do agree with all the other posts here and I would be gone for the hills. This will probably happen again if you stay. An argument is one thing but ripping you to shreds is a different thing altogether.
Life has enough ups and downs without putting up with his abuse.

miec

Hi Op

You asked the question of whether this is normal arguing or whether it will happen again.

Around two years ago I posted here on boards with an almost identical problem, sadly, I didn't listen to the advice then but it did stick with me. Eventually I left my emotionally abusive ex.

In answer to your question, this is not normal behaviour. Your boyfriend is the one with the issues here, what he was doing was the classic projection, turn all his 'you this, you that' and apply them to him and you will see they apply to him.

My ex used to shout at me, call me names like whore, he used painful aspects of my past against me (which is an utter betrayal of trust) and then he did the sweet talk, the sorry's, I love you ****e, and even how he hated himself for behaving like that but it never stopped him. Oh I was going to leave him, etc, etc, tried several times but he always charmed me back. I was his enabler, now I don't know if you are ready to leave your boyfriend, if you don't he will do it again and eventually you will internalise all what he says and your confidence will shrink and shrink...that I can assure you. I finally did stay strong and get rid of my ex but I am left with a lot of anger and low confidence, also a lot of sorrow. If you do decide to stay with him whatever you do, do not become dependent on him, cultivate your own life with friends etc. Also walk away when he rants. I learned to do that, that way I didn't get the insults but if you can, I personally would advise you to leave him and save yourself future heartache.

RandyMann

I would question this guy's mental health. If a girl did this to me, I would walk and not look back.

astra2000

I am shocked he sounds like a right jekel and hyde. You should move out immediately its not the first time he has it wont be the last. This is more than moods he has serious issues. Interesting though how he would not treat his friends like this he knows they would never tolerate it and neither should you.

Curry Addict

this is clearly emotional abuse.
its critical in a relationship to be able to bring up minor things about your partner in order to be able to understand each otehr and grow together.
his reaction to this very minor query of your is full on emotional abuse.
this will make it impossible for you to approach him about pretty much anything contentious. he needs to be welcoming of your queries

up for anything

Get out of there before he has you believing his crapology and further down the line being controlled by fear of upsetting him.

You said his mother said you could stay the night. Did you tell her what had transpired and why you felt you needed a place to stay that night. If you did and she agreed to let you stay the night, take it as a warning sign that she accepted what you told her so readily. He has probably blown up with her many times before if that is the case.