impact of death of a parent when young

LegacyUser

I lost one of my parents when I was young, around the age of 12. At the time, I went through all of the ordinary grieving things, cried, wondered how I could go on, etc.

That's all over now, and I am in my late teens. Two things strike me as being out of the ordinary...the first being, I am not really sure if I have ever missed that parent in the conventional sense. I remember my life when they were alive, and it was great (we were the best of friends), but instead of spending years wishing they could come back, I have always accepted that there is no chance that they can, and that they are dead. It almost feels like the period in which they were alive was a separate lifetime, and after their death, I started a second period in my life. I've always wondered if anybody else has felt this sense of detachment?

And the other thing is talking about my dead parent..I would never really talk about it to my family (other than a couple of awkward conversations over the years), and I have never been able to mention it to my friends. Even my closest friends have never been told (by me) that my parent died (though I'm 90% sure they know about it). I always just refer generally to "my parents" when talking about my family. I think it's because I don't want pity from people, but I'm not sure. It just seems like such a conversation stopper! I never tell people I'm becoming friends with, because I don't want to kind of burden them with the knowledge, and of course when we are friends, it's too late. Even now, I'm becoming friends with a couple of people, and have done the general "parents" chat with them. I sometimes wonder if I should tell them that one of my parents is dead, as a sort of test to see reaction...but would it be too strange now I've talked about my "parents" in general and not just my living one?

LegacyUser

is there a better forum for this post? as in, one where it might get even one response?

metrovelvet

I didnt lose my father as a child. I was twenty three. But there is a definite dividing line between my pre dad life and my post dad life. IT changed me as it changes everyone. I miss him, but I miss having a father more, if you get me. I am most sad that he never met my son and my son will never know him. It hit me hard again when I had my own child.

I have had sveral friends who lost a parent during childhood, some through natural causes and one who saw his mother hanging from a room in his grandparents house. What I can say about all of them, that is the ones I know, and everyone is different, is there are attachment issues and it does present itself in relationship. But maybe the grief wasnt managed in the best way it could have been. I dont know, or maybe its the inevitable consequence of abandonment.

You are not burdening anyone with any knowlege that your father died. It is a fact of your life. I bet as a child you got a lot of false pity. That is probably what is putting you off telling people. But it shouldnt be a secret. I often refer to my "late father'. My late father said 'x' or said 'y' or whatever, just as a fact of life.

LegacyUser

I lost my mother at the same age as you.

I think you are the way you are feeling is quite normal tbh. You have spent almost as much of your (memorable) life without them as with them. This is the way your life is now and you have accepted that, which is ideal.

I would also say it is normal to not mention it. It really can be a conversation stopper as most people expect you to burst into tears when you tell them. Personally I generally tend to just agree generally and move around the subject, all for the sake of fluid conversation.

If you get a chance to mention it its fine, as they can at least be aware. Some people can get embarrassed when they find out after asking you a load of questions about them etc.

I wouldnt be a big fan of saying "my late" etc. Whatever about saying it one time to someone you know well to give them a hint, but all the time is a bit much. If you are talking about a past event that involved your parents, they were alive when they then so no need to draw attention to the fact that they are dead now. It sounds like it may needlessly making the other person feel uncomfortable and its not like it adds to the conversation. Fact of life, not a secret etc is all well and good, but these are conversational and social skills, and there is nothing wrong with trying to fit within the norm (despite what the goths will tell you!)

lottpaul

I also lost my mother at a similar age but thats over 30 years ago now. I can identify with everything you and the others have said. I even went through a frantic few weeks hoping that the hospital had made a "mistake" and that they'd find her in another ward and all would be well (she'd been in a coma so I guess that would have been pretty unlikely anyway)
Yes, people pity you.
Yes, they also find it embarrassing to talk to you about it until they have experienced a similar loss at which time they expect you to be the expert on coping with grief and loss.
No, I'm sorry/glad to say that the hurt never completely goes away - how could it? But it does get easier to remember the good times.
Yes, it's easier to pretend to casual new aquaintances that both of your parents are alive, but I never explicitly told a lie - I let people make their own assumptions.
Yes - there are times when you'll feel so lonely, abandoned, gutted even. It's not true of course, but it's what you'll feel.
Yes, at the big moments in your life - and hopefully there'll be many - you will feel their absence.
Yes, you may feel guilty as the years pass and you gradually forget some things - the sound of a voice, a particular date, an event etc, but it's completely natural.
Yes, you need to talk to people who knew them when they were younger - they are your link and you may need to hear stories, anecdotes etc.
Your loss is still relatively recent, even though it may not seem so at the moment. You have a lifetime to deal with all of these things, but from my experience - and my families - it soon becomes just another part of what makes you who you are - different, not worse, not better.
I remember standing at my mother's grave a few years back and realising I was older then than she had been when she died. It gave me a good kick to get on with life and also to realise - yeah, tough, but done well.
Good luck! Get back if you have any questions anytime.

LegacyUser

impact1 wrote: »

It almost feels like the period in which they were alive was a separate lifetime, and after their death, I started a second period in my life. I've always wondered if anybody else has felt this sense of detachment?

And the other thing is talking about my dead parent..I would never really talk about it to my family (other than a couple of awkward conversations over the years), and I have never been able to mention it to my friends. Even my closest friends have never been told (by me) that my parent died (though I'm 90% sure they know about it). I always just refer generally to "my parents" when talking about my family. I think it's because I don't want pity from people, but I'm not sure. It just seems like such a conversation stopper! I never tell people I'm becoming friends with, because I don't want to kind of burden them with the knowledge, and of course when we are friends, it's too late. Even now, I'm becoming friends with a couple of people, and have done the general "parents" chat with them. I sometimes wonder if I should tell them that one of my parents is dead, as a sort of test to see reaction...but would it be too strange now I've talked about my "parents" in general and not just my living one?

I could have written this myself! With any deaths in my family, there was a 'before' and 'after' aspect. In my mind, it's as if time literally stopped and then after a period of time, it started up again. With the death of a loved one, you go through irreversible changes, and I think that's why some people think of it as 'before' and 'after'. In essence, it makes you a different person.

I used to feel embarrassed too when meeting new people. You can't tell them straight away (because it's plain weird! : ), and when you get to know them, you feel like you've misled them all along! What worked for me was if anyone asked me specifically about my mother, or my father, I would just say that he/she had passed away. I'd then go on to say 'Ah it happened years ago' because I'd be so aware that the other person was feeling bad for bringing it up! Some people just don't know how to react. As long as you let them know (with your actions and words) that you're open to them asking questions about it, it usually goes much smoother.

Dude111

I am very sorry to all on this thread who have lost a parent,ITS THE HARDEST THING TO EVER HAVE HAPPEN