Final Nail in Coffin

RadiantGirl

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055826567

Hi Guys

I am sad to say that I posted this thread above not so long ago and to date nothing has changed, except for us now living together. You might think this is a good step forward, but basically I feel like I made him do it and he agreed to it under duress, cause he knew he would probably loose me. I just wanted to show him that there is nothing wrong with progression in a relationship and that it could be great for us. It's going ok living together but I suppose im not 110% great about it, cause I feel I made him do it.

I suppose why I am posting again is because I know in my heart I should end things even though I love him and it's so hard to walk away after 3 years +. He still says that he's not like me and he doesn't know what he wants in his future, however he does know that he would never rent out his house and live in my house if I buy one, nor does he see himself buying a house with me. Still doesn't know about marriage and kids whether he does or doesn't want them.

As I have said to him, no one knows what the future holds, we can only hope our visions and plans happen. He is happy plodding along day by day not thinking of anything at all. I would be ok with this only for the fact I feel I have no security in this relationship. It's his house I am living in, he has stated that no matter how long I am there my name will never go on it. He doesn't know if he ever sees us buying anywhere of our own, he has no plans for this.

So what am I meant to do, hang on in the hope he realises one day. I just feel I have no security, never know where I stand with our future. He always tells him he loves me and doesn't want to break up, but I just really feel he only wants the good bits of a relationship and not 110%.

I am so torn because I know what I should do but then afraid I will regret it afterwards. Also it's so hard to walk away after ao long. Yeah maybe one day he will realise what he wants but what if he doesn't. I am left with nothing.

I am looking at buying a house over the next 6 months (for my security) and have asked him would be ever rent his apartment out and move into the house I buy. He has told me no. So he is happy to go back to living separately, I just do not understand.

I am so sorry for the long rant I really am, but I am getting so down and depressed over all of this and I really dont know what to do. Do I take a huge risk on someone that hasn't a clue what they want in life and wont even think about it. I am the one that seems to be sacraficing everything in this relationship. Nothing from him.

All advice good/bad is welcomed.

xxxxxx

moco

I think after 3 years if he’s not ready to make any kind of a commitment to you he never will. He expects you to go through life in a state of limbo, not being able to make any plans for the future. Also the fact he expects you to never have any kind of home security, in that the house is his, you’ll never have a say in it or be a joint owner. He doesn’t care if you buy your own place and move out and that says a lot.

This might sound brutal but you see these type of people all the time, never being able to commit, not because they’re afraid of commitment, but because they don’t feel they’re with the right person and are waiting for someone ‘better’ to come along. If you finish with him he could be married to someone in a year’s time, I’ve seen it happen.

Not that that should stop you finishing with him, cos he’ll always string you along.

seenitall

In the name of all that is holy, OP, why are you still flogging a dead horse after all this time? Do you not value yourself and what you have to offer any more than that?

Best wishes.

RadiantGirl

Hi Moco

Thank you very much for your reply.

Basically he crys and begs me to stay and that he loves me etc when I talk about not being able to take the "not" knowing anymore. What I notice is when I tell him how I feel and I do not know if I can carry on, he seems to change his previous answers on things to give a more positive outlook. For example, he said that he doesn't see/want us ever buying a home together and when I said well thats not good enough he changes it to, "well I never said never, maybe one day". The same with Kids, Marriage etc etc.

Don't get me wrong he is a good boyfriend, he does anything I ask and I never go without but thats not everything. Its not like im looking to know the date and time we will have kids, get married etc but I do want to know that at some stage its on the agenda down the road.

I sometimes honestly think maybe im mad for wanting this and wish that maybe I was like him just happy to think for the moment and nothing else. Is there something wrong with me for wanting to know where my BF sees us in the future??

I said to him the other night that after 3 years he should either way if he wants a future with me, well i think so after 3 years you should know. I said that we should be a unit and feel happy and secure together not just like flat mates and his response was "im trying". He shouldn't have to try.

I do know that him and his ex broke up previously because she couldn't speak to him about the future and they were together 7 years. So it seems its just him.

I am torn apart at this stage but more than anything I am just tired of the arguing, the not knowing and loving someone so much and giving them 200% and not getting anything back.

I even contemplated when I bought my house I would rent it out and still stay living with him, just so we didn't have to live apart. But then I thought why would I sacrafice that, renting a house that I bought to stay living in his apartment when he has never sacraficed anything for me.

Help me please, I really feel like im loosing the plot, my head and my gut are singing off the same hymm sheet but I know he is capable of talking me around and confusing me.

RadiantGirl

Hi seenitall

I wonder sometimes, I dont want to come across as pathetic and needy which I probably sound like but I suppose I live or lived in hope that things would change.

I still worry that if i finish things that he may at some stage realise what he wants and I should stay just incase. Sometimes he makes me feel like im nuts for wanting to know about the future, so I tend to put the elephant in the room to the back of my head and just go ahead with the relationship because I do love him and don't want to give it up.

seenitall

RadiantGirl wrote: »

Hi seenitall

I wonder sometimes, I dont want to come across as pathetic and needy which I probably sound like but I suppose I live or lived in hope that things would change.

I still worry that if i finish things that he may at some stage realise what he wants and I should stay just incase. Sometimes he makes me feel like im nuts for wanting to know about the future, so I tend to put the elephant in the room to the back of my head and just go ahead with the relationship because I do love him and don't want to give it up.

Yes, that's all very well, except in the meantime of watching for elephants in rooms and not wanting to seem needy, your life is passing you by in complete misery. Again, do you not think you, and your hopes and dreams, are worth more than that?

I am not saying that you are a 100% together, healthy and un-needy person, but what the heck. As the saying goes: "It is a thrill to be needy when your OH can (and wants to) fulfill your needs." As far as I'm concerned, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your wish to settle down some time in the future is, IMO, a completely legitimate one, but you are letting yourself be gaslighted by your b/f into imagining that your legitimate wishes and needs are somehow shameful and unacceptable. He is doing it because he wants to be with you, but doesn't want to have to commit to you, and, more importantly, he is doing it because you are letting him.

Really, OP. Wake up and smell the roses. Another girl already wasted 7 years of her life staying "just in case", waiting for this guy to "realise what he wants". Do you want to be that girl in 3 and a half years' time? I hope you really, really do, because that is exactly where you're headed.

moco

How old are you Radiantgirl?

Look, I understand exactly where you’re coming from and you feel like you don’t want to give up on an otherwise good relationship because he can’t say for definite if you’re going to have a proper future. (Also to point out, nobody really knows what will happen in the future and I’m sure a lot of men tell the girlfriend whatever she wants to hear without meaning it, so I suppose at least he’s being honest!)

You try and look at it from another point of view and think ‘well, there’s no rush’ but the fact that he can’t even say that the things you want will happen in the future, but not just now, isn’t a good sign.

I’m sure he does love you and doesn’t want you to leave, and that’s why he tries to put a rosier viewpoint on things when you get upset about it. You need to really have a think how important it is to you to have this commitment from him and go from there. You could end up hanging on all your life and for things never to progress. There’s another thread on here recently about a girl who wanted a baby. Her fella put her off for 7 years (I think) then said he’d changed his mind and he never wanted one!

Maybe you have to take the chance and finish it, then if he suddenly sees things differently, great, but if not, you won’t have lost anything.

RadiantGirl

Hi seenitall

Thank you for reply, it would be the exact same advise I would be giving to someone else. It's just hard putting it into practice myself. I just keep asking myself, whats wrong with me that he's willing to be with me but cant give me an insight into his/our future. I now know its not me its him. We have broken up twice before and we got back together because he made me so many promises but never fulfilled any of them, other than moving in but I feel I pressured him into that.

Hi Moco

I am 28 nearly 29, he is 31. Thats the thing I know nothing is certain in life at all but its the fact that I feel unsecure. I have been in relationships before that have not worked out but I did feel happy/comfortable and secure which was great, ok it didn't work out but for the time i was in the relationship it was fantastic and I could be myself without any worries because there was always communication from both of us, which is not the case here.

And I have said to him, look im not wanting definate times/dates etc but I just want to know that you see a future and life with me eventually down the line. The answer I normally get is "how am i meant to answer that, when I don't know what will happen and when I can't even see my own future let alone ours". Like what do I say to that?

What gets me is he will say something like "how am i meant to answer that, when I don't know what will happen and when I can't even see my own future let alone ours". And then if I get upset or whatever he will change his answer to "I see you in my future as much as I can see me in my own future, I want you in my future". So he constantly changes what he's saying and thats confusing me.

seenitall

RadiantGirl wrote: »

Hi seenitall

Thank you for reply, it would be the exact same advise I would be giving to someone else. It's just hard putting it into practice myself.

Well, there you go. You understand everything. You don't sound all that confused to me!

I hope that one day soon you find it within yourself to stop heeding empty promises, and put yourself first for a change.

Best wishes.

moco

Sorry, but all in all it doesn't sound good to me. I think you're better off out of it, I don't think he'll ever give you what you want.:(

Even if he does eventually, you don't want to spend your life feeling like you pushed him into it.

RandyMann

If he doesnt want children at 31 or want to even contemplate it, the likelyhood is that he never will want them.
This guy is probably not the marrying/settling down type.
If you coerse/pressure him into making that sort of committment, it may turn out sour in the future if he finds himself in a marriage with children that he consented to just to keep you as a partner.
It may be time for you to move on.

rathbaner

He is being totally honest with you, IMO.

He does not see a future with you together, you cannot have security in his house and he won't leave his house to move in with you.

What don't you understand about this?

Why don't you just accept it?

nodirectionhome

I have just come out of a 3 year relationship with a guy who couldnt see himself committing/settling down etc and even though he said he really loved me and all he could not picture himself settling. I stuck around hoping things would pan out - and guess what? He really meant it all along, and as soon as I listened and told him I didn't really like the idea- he finished it. Listen to what he is saying- no matter how much he loves you- this guy will not commit and you will be dissapointed. Sorry, I'm not usually so negative, but this struck a chord. Good luck x

niceoneted

He may be a good boyfriend but that is all he will ever be to you - a boyfriend.
I don't think it is a case that he does not necessarily know whether he wants kids/marriage but he just doesn't want them with you. He is giving you all the signals - not wanting to buy a house with, u never going to be involved in his current house etc.

You sound lovely so give yourself a chance to meet someone else who will want to marry you and have kids ( I take it this is something you want).

aidan24326

RadiantGirl wrote:

So he is happy to go back to living separately, I just do not understand.

If he's happy to go back to living apart doesn't that tell you alot?

His non-committal attitude and refusal to even entertain the idea of joint property ownership or anything like that sends a strong signal that he has no intention of marrying you, and if marriage and babies and settling down is what you want in the longer term (and it seems to be) then you are probably barking up the wrong tree. Ye might be a case of two people who love each other but just aren't heading in the same direction or reading from the same page. A compatability issue basically. It sucks but if that is the case then it's unlikely to change anytime soon and there isn't much you can do to change it either.

Fittle

He has been honest with you from the start OP, which is kind of his 'get out' clause.

Move out for the sake of your sanity. You can't live like this - this constant insecurity. Your posts are all about him and what he doesn't want (kids/buying a house with you etc).

Forget about that. He's still with you because you are enabling his behaviour, you are allowing him to treat you like this.

And as long as you do, he will continue to be non-committed.

Do you want kids? Do you want a house of your own? Do you want to wake up in ten years and find out you're too old for kids and the property market and gone through the roof again and you can't afford a house?

Wake up and move out OP. There IS someone out there who will commit to you - but it's not your current boyfriend.

Taltos

Staying with someone out of fear of being alone is never a good reason.

I mean - how much longer will you sit there and listen to his excuses before you literally go mad and start hating him.

Suggest you do end it.
Also suggest you take some time before your next relationship - you need some recovery time after being messed around like this.
And to be honest - my head would be so melted right now my brains would be dripping from my nose.

You need a complete break from this fellow - he knows what buttons to push - and he will promise you anything you need to hear. But do you want to be 2 yrs down the line, married and pregnant - wondering if he is with you because you forced it or because he genuinely loves you...???

Chicago Chick

It is very hard to contemplate breaking up with someone when you really do love them but from what you have posted here it does not seem like you and your boyfriend are on the dame wave length at all when it comes to your future together. To be honest I think you need to find someone who wants to share your hopes and dreams and be excited about it, not talked into it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I was in a very similar situation myself. I was with my boyfriend for three years and for the last year we had started to talk about a future, he kept saying "I can't even see a future for myself at the moment so how can I know what's going to happen". He also admitted he wasn't ready for moving in together and didn't think he would be for a few years. As for marriage and kids - by the time he was ready to have them I wouldn't be able to anymore!

Like you OP I stuck with it because I loved him so much, and I even stuck by him when he told me he was moving to Canada for a year. Then a few weeks before he went he broke my heart. Told me he wasn't ready for anything I wanted (even though I didn't want it for some time myself) and that he thought we would break up eventually anyway. And he also told me what I knew deep down for a long time - that after three years he should know whether he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but he didn't, and that is why he thought he never would.

Take it from someone who's gone through it OP, you're better off out of it. I wish now that I had acted on it sooner and saved myself the heartache and all the upset there was in the end. Because like you I tried to end it before but he'd talk me around, only for him to do it a few months later.

As a matter of interest, does anyone think these kind of men can really change their minds or regret? My ex and I were a bit younger than the OP, I'm 24 and he's 25. Can this affect things?

moco

Similar wrote: »

Hi OP,

I was in a very similar situation myself. I was with my boyfriend for three years and for the last year we had started to talk about a future, he kept saying "I can't even see a future for myself at the moment so how can I know what's going to happen". He also admitted he wasn't ready for moving in together and didn't think he would be for a few years. As for marriage and kids - by the time he was ready to have them I wouldn't be able to anymore!

Like you OP I stuck with it because I loved him so much, and I even stuck by him when he told me he was moving to Canada for a year. Then a few weeks before he went he broke my heart. Told me he wasn't ready for anything I wanted (even though I didn't want it for some time myself) and that he thought we would break up eventually anyway. And he also told me what I knew deep down for a long time - that after three years he should know whether he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but he didn't, and that is why he thought he never would.

Take it from someone who's gone through it OP, you're better off out of it. I wish now that I had acted on it sooner and saved myself the heartache and all the upset there was in the end. Because like you I tried to end it before but he'd talk me around, only for him to do it a few months later.

As a matter of interest, does anyone think these kind of men can really change their minds or regret? My ex and I were a bit younger than the OP, I'm 24 and he's 25. Can this affect things?

I think they will change when they meet another girl who they feel is right for them.

RadiantGirl

Hi Guys

I know this thread is going back nearly a year ago now and would like to thank you all for your replies and advice.

Well nearly a year on and I have finally done it. It took time probably more time than it should have but I have ended the relationship and for good this time. I wish I had the nerve, courage and will to do it before now but it is finally done.

I just wanted to thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart for reaching out and taking the time to reply. Believe or not you all helped me and your posts were something that I reread when I needed to hear the truth.

It is obviously a difficult time, getting used to being without him, but I can actually say I am happy and for the 1st time in a long time, I am ME!!!

Again thanks guys xxxx

Fittle

We all do what we do, when the time is right for us.

No amount of comments from people you don't know on a website will make you do something that you are just not ready to do.

So don't regret that you didn't do this before - be grateful that you've done it now...well done, I'm delighted for you:)

RadiantGirl

Hi Fittle

Thanks for your reply. It took time but hey good things come to those who wait lol.

xxx

Maple

OP, I'm locking your thread as it appears that your issue has been resolved and other posters are replying unnecessarily.

I wish you the very best of luck

Take care,

Maple