going out with a person who has a disability

LegacyUser

hi..
met a guy at a dinner/charity thing..both late thirties, both divorced. both have kids and are in no rush to just meet anybody, but a nice somebody..
swopped numbers, met for a coffee, i like him he likes me..
fast forward two weeks, meet for dinner, walks me to car, i think he really is nice and my heart is thumping..
we have a little kiss goodnight and he says about meeting next week..and that if we are going to take it further i should know that he has two prosthetic limbs fitted at kneee level due to a farm accident ten years ago..but has six pairs for different activities-including big blades for running.i never even knew of such a thing. i feel shallow and ignorant and know i feel different now.and dont like myself much.
i have to admit im really scared.. what if the relationship takes off and we get to the bedroom bit, i dont know how.. or will i stare, or would i want to.. i googled it ( pictures of the legs)and got a shock-it frightens me, the metal, the running ones, all of it..
am i horrible. should i be above this level of judgement, has anyone any advice.. really sad for him.. and me too but i dont know what to do.. have to decide -not going to lead the guy on either..help

Elle Collins

Go easy on yourself, there are no laws against getting an awful shock.

You've no experience of prosthetic limbs so naturally you're going react like this. It will subside, and when it does you should consider how much guts this man has not to have one set of prosthetic legs, but enough sets to let him do all the things he used to do with his own ones!

CDfm

When I worked abroad I had a good friend and she lost a leg at the knee. i had done some work with the mentally and physically disabled while at college and it didn't phase me in the least at it was relative.

I have a good friend with one arm who married last year and coincidentally today a colleague told me her brother in law is loosing his sight and will be blind by Xmas.

I think that we all can be very sensitive nowadays about these issues and that life has become more sanitised.

So OP - if you like the guy try to see beyond it if you can and do meet up. Don't you think the guy is used to the stareing thing by now and the gauche comments.

Like Elle said take it easy on yourself and don't get ahead of yourself on the will I be able to handle it before it happens. Just look at the meeting up as going for coffee with someone who has potential.

magneticimpulse

Well you really liked him before...so i dont see any problem. So he uses an aid to walk, people wear glasses to help them see. Yeah its slightly different, but I dont think you should judge him.

You also say you feel sad for him, im sure he doesnt need any pity or people feeling sad for him, he is still a person, has kids and gets on with everything in life.

You havnt even gotten as far as the bed room...thats like saying, what if he doesnt have a big package. Im sure he knows how to have sex fine and pleasure a woman.

I agree you will be shocked...but im sure it will just go away and something you are used to as time goes on. He prob told you as he doesnt want to be wasting his time with someone who is not open minded to accept his disability...but im sure whats more important is the way he treats you, his heart and the love he can give you.

This guy has great courage, and gets on with his life. He doesnt seem to let his disability get him down, he even continues with sport etc. So why should you feel down about it etc?

Is it worth throwing away a potentially great relationship, because of this?

krudler

He's probably used to people reacting to being told he has two prostethic limbs, it shows how comfortable he is telling you straight off and that he has multiple pairs, why not ask him to explain a bit more or show you the prosthetics? Fair play to him for keeping as active as he does, it'd be easy to rely on other people to look after him but hes clearly very independent.

anewme

You are mad to not consider going out with him again. He sounds super, honest, open, strong and he makes your heart flutter.

It is a no brainer. Give it a whirl and see where it takes you both.

This guy lives his life as normal and does not need someone going out with him because they feel sorry for him. Would love to meet someone who makes my heart flutter, something like that would not put me off at all.

LegacyUser

Having recently met someone who made my heart beat faster I can get where you're coming from. I knew by looking at him he was out of proportion. Anyway he has lost significant amount of weight, 15 st+ and as a result has loads of loose bits. Do you know what, it didn't bother me in the slightest! He is who is because of what he has gone through and that is the person I like. Never thought I could overlook the body bits but his personality speaks louder.

Emme

tamiflu wrote: »

..and that if we are going to take it further i should know that he has two prosthetic limbs fitted at kneee level due to a farm accident ten years ago..but has six pairs for different activities-including big blades for running.

I'm sure it was a revelation to you but I'm impressed at how well he's dealing with it. If he runs with prosthetic limbs he's obviously a really positive person.

I was watching a TV programme a few months ago about paralympic athletes and their achievements are amazing. I thought it was beautiful to see the way the athletes ran on high-tech titanium prosthetic limbs and how fortunate they are to live in an age where technology can help them achieve their goals. You're lucky to have met a guy who makes the most of himself despite everything. I don't think he'd want you to be sad for him but he would want you to give him a chance.

Some people with their legs intact are too lazy to get up off their backsides and do anything except whinge, moan and fill their faces with beer and fast food. The guy you saw is the opposite. Courage and perseverance are qualities most women want in men and your guy seems to have it in buckets.

Read Ronan Tynan's biography if you can. He had prosthetic legs for most of his life because of a congenital defect and it didn't stop him - he was a paralympic athlete, doctor and singer. It sounds like your fella has Ronan Tynan's mindset - grab the best life has to offer - so be the best that life has to offer for your fella and see him again. You'll be sorry if you don't. So go for it!

darad

He sounds nice op, dont rush it if your not comfortable, give yourself some more time and go at a pace you are happy with. Give him a chance.

Neyite

a disability does not define a person, nor does it necessarily disable a person either. this guy sounds like he is coping extremely well with his. he has been open and candid from the start - thats a really good sign. it shows that he is at ease with his disability, and is determined that it impacts on his life as little as possible. so be open and candid back, but dont tell him you feel sad for him, i cant see that going down well.

my dad developed a physical disability by the time he met my mother. there was also a considerable age gap between them. but ive never seen a happier marraige. dad was happy to help change peoples misconceptions of his disability, answered any questions peope had (within reason-he had busybodies asking my mum in front of him, how he 'manages' in the bedroom. she just pointed to her growing brood of kids and told them to eff off!:D) There was surprisingly very little he could not do for himself, but he had no time for people who showed pity or treated him like a cripple of some sort. my mother, and all her family, had to get used to the disability in the beginning. i thought all dad had that disability until i went to school and saw other kids with their dads. to me it was the most normal thing in the world.

it will take a little while to get your head around his prosthetics, but dont be hard on yourself. he was upfront because he knows that this is something that takes getting used to. why not put the idea of it to the back of your mind for now and just get to know him as a bloke, without worrying about bedroom stuff or anything like that. when you feel comfortable enough with him, looking at his legs wont be that big a deal anymore.

if you were that shallow, or ignorant as you seem to think, you would not be caring about this. and you do care.

LegacyUser

That's a tough situation, I can see where you're coming from (not with the general fact that he has prosthetic limbs) - but the bedroom thing. I'd wager that not many people here have dealt with that and so you don't know how to prepare yourself for it. But what if it really works and IF it does get that far, it's the best sex of your life?

You're going out with the guy, not just his legs. It'd be a shame to meet someone who makes you feel like that, and not pursue it to see what MIGHT happen. Just tell him you want to take it really slowly - and decide in a month or two how you feel again.

And fair play to him for being straight with you from the very beginning - that takes guts. He does sound like a fairly resolute bloke.

LegacyUser

have to admit i would be taken a back too! but if he was attractive and really nice i think i could see past it, i bet he is prob a real sensitive sweet guy and will prob be trusting, and faithful and try really hard in a relationship, people who over come such adversities in life have inner strength that makes them independent caring and compassionate, he may be the best partner you could find,

Maybe give him another try, and dont be afraid to discuss it with him, he was taken a back when it happened so he expects others to be as well, i think he would be very open to discussing it, if you do not want to go any further, dont beat yourself up either.

LegacyUser

thankyou all so so much for your words.. i do really like him and it came as such a shock tbh.. i faint at the sight of blood and this i discovered six months into nursing training! swift career change..lol
i think i will see him again, it does daunt me and scare me and at my age i think i would have been bigger and a better person..he certainly doesnt pity himself and would put anyone to shame for how active he is.. it is like a lesson in humility for me-im not overly vain but would be concious of looking well.. or what others thought of my appearance.. a childhood thing
the more i think of it i'm convinced there is something wrong with my feeling freaked by the thought of seeing his limbs uncovered.. im weak and mean..
but i will try to face it and try get to know the real guy.

CDfm

Tamiflu - you sound like a great person.

One of the things in my life that used to cause me problems with relationships was that I am divorced with kids. I had one g/f that refered to my kids as the baggage. I often would not mention kids at all when I initially dated someone.

You are projecting a bit but possibly because you fancy him and are saying well I could end up in bed with him etc if only he had legs. That sounds a bit crass but I think you know what I mean. The mechanics of it etc but if it does happen everyone is awkward first time anyway.

By the same token, he may have been kicked back a bit in the past so its up to you to make the move-if he is nice in all the other ways well you have a shot at happiness.

I hope he is as nice as you think he is and hope all goes well.

So take your time and arrange your date first.

kylith

If I were you, OP, I'd ask to see his legs before it gets to the bedroom stage. That way you'll know what they look like and have gotten comfortable with them before it gets to the sexual stage.

CDfm

kylith wrote: »

If I were you, OP, I'd ask to see his legs before it gets to the bedroom stage. That way you'll know what they look like and have gotten comfortable with them before it gets to the sexual stage.

That would be a bit crass but -if in conversation OP you said you had been too squeamish to be a nurse he will get the message.

up for anything

Be honest and tell him how you feel including that you feel sad for him and for yourself. You have nothing to lose and I would imagine he would prefer you to be as upfront with you as he has been with you. At least then if both are you are willing to keep on seeing each other, you both know where you stand. I can understand your misgivings. It is a bit of a shocker and your hesitance is understandable.

Fittle

I think in an ideal world, we would all like to believe that we wouldn't bat an eyelid when we see someone who does not have legs from the knee down. Let's be honest however, we are all human and these things affect us. Yes, we get over our initial shock, but it's still a shock.

OP, I worked with people with disabilities for years and I have seen many bodies that were twisted and torn. None of them were you standard body-shape (I'm talking about people with CP here), and I was always shocked, so that's a very natural and normal reaction.

I agree with the above poster who said ask him to see his legs before it gets to a sexual level - he has had ten years to get used to his lack of limbs and by the sounds of it, it hasn't held him back for one second. But you can bet that it was a shock to him at the start - so why wouldn't it be a shock to you???

If the relationship develops, perhaps he'll show them to you anyway and to be honest, if he has any respect for you, he won't just expect you have NO reaction when you see them first and he'll take a softly softly approach, once he sees it's something you're not comfortable with, to start.

CDfm

^^^^^ I kind of disagree here and think that in the scheme of things that this will sort of happens if things progress -but they havent gone out on a real date yet. So it isnt an issue just now.

RhubarbCrumble

I think if you really like the guy, then you should go for it. Of course you got a bit of a shock, that's understandable, but he sounds like a really nice guy, and is obviously very honest. He's probably worried about how you'd react too. Just take it slowly and see how it goes, but I think it sounds like it'll all work out

Neyite

up for anything wrote: »

tell him how you feel including that you feel sad for him and for yourself.

if i was disabled and a near stranger that i fancied told me 'they feel sad for me' they would be told to f**k off. i would find it very condecending, especially since he seems grand with his disability.

i dated a guy who had a prosthetic leg in college. although i never saw him with his clothes off, it did come up in conversation - he said used to detach the leg at the side of his bed, and leave it in the leg of his jeans if he was sharing a room or a bed. he mainly did it because his mates used to hide it if they saw it lying about.

if he does it this way, say, by candlelight, with a corner of the duvet over him, then do you think that would be ok?

kylith

CDfm wrote: »

That would be a bit crass but -if in conversation OP you said you had been too squeamish to be a nurse he will get the message.

I'm not talking about saying 'Can I see your stumps so I can tell if they freak me out?', more along the lines of just saying that you'd be interested in seeing the prosthetics, how do they attach, are they hard to learn to use etc. I don't think that simple human curiosity could be called crass, and the more you learn about something the less 'weird' and shocking it is. Obviously as long as the gentleman is willing, but he sounds like he'd have no problem with it since he has different pairs for different occasions.

Personally I think it'd be a bit weird to put off seeing them until they were undressing.

up for anything

Neyite wrote: »

if i was disabled and a near stranger that i fancied told me 'they feel sad for me' they would be told to f**k off. i would find it very condecending, especially since he seems grand with his disability.

I know what you mean but in the interests of putting all her cards on the table openly and honestly. It is a natural reaction for her to feel and he has probably come across it before and has ways of dealing with it. There is a difference between feeling sad for someone and feeling pity for them, IMO.

CDfm

kylith wrote: »

I'm not talking about saying 'Can I see your stumps so I can tell if they freak me out?', more along the lines of just saying that you'd be interested in seeing the prosthetics, how do they attach, are they hard to learn to use etc. I don't think that simple human curiosity could be called crass....................

Personally I think it'd be a bit weird to put off seeing them until they were undressing.

They havent started dating yet., but I imagine its something that the guy will talk about.

Reesy

kylith wrote: »

If I were you, OP, I'd ask to see his legs before it gets to the bedroom stage. That way you'll know what they look like and have gotten comfortable with them before it gets to the sexual stage.

Brilliant idea, IMHO, Kylith. Yeah, take the sting out of it for him and for you. The stress of either is quite enough without combining them!

LegacyUser

me again..yes, i am going to take it slow and steady for now.. nobody is 'perfect' but what is perfect anyway?
.. and thanks cdfm-nobosy ever called me a great person before:)
thanks guys