Should I say anything.

LegacyUser

Until recently, I had been having an inappropriate "friendship" with a man in a relationship. I don't mean a full on affair, we never had sex or kissed but it did go beyond acceptable boundaries (in my opinion now).

There was flirting, inappropriate conversations, silly play "wrestling" and we once shared a bed together (his girlfriend knows this and wasn't too happy obviously). Things nearly got really bad on that night but she doesn't know about that.
I had convinced myself that everything was ok as we hadn't done anything physical and everything else was always "just a joke". But now I realize that I was just lying to myself. I wasn't allowing myself to see the truth because I couldn't bear the image of myself as "that girl" and there were other reasons which I won't get into here.

The thing is, the gf and I met up recently because she wanted to talk about the situation. During the conversation, she told me that his best friend had told her he is a b@stard and she shouldn't be with him. This sparked something in me. Since then I've been thinking things over and have finally admitted everything to myself. Her boyfriend is a b@stard, he is a b@stard to her, the way he spoke about her, the way he treats her. I am really ashamed about the role I played.

I'm wondering if I should tell her there's things I didn't say and that we could meet up again and talk about it if she wants. If she doesn't, fair enough I'll never contact either of them again. I feel bad that I am keeping "important" facts from her. I don't think they will break up over it (from what they've been through before) but I don't feel right keeping this from her. On the other hand, I wonder if I just want to "get it off my chest" and it would be selfish to tell her. I feel bad enough as it is without making more mistakes. What should I do?

littlefish

Are you saying that you were flirting with this girls boyfriend etc etc and then you meet up with the girl?

LegacyUser

I don't quite get this.
You flirted with a guy who is already in a relationship.
You messed about with him on a bed.
You 'wrestled' with him.
Regardless of whether you had sex or kissed each other, what were you at?
You knew he was in a relationship.
Did the alarm bells not ring with you when he slagged off his gf in front of you?
What were you hoping to get from this 'relationship'?
Where did you think it would end?
And you then went and met his gf?
No wonder you are ashamed. It sounds like you now have a guilty conscience about the whole thing and you are trying to asuage your guilt.
Shame on you.

LegacyUser

There was sometimes flirting which was passed off as a joke. The girl knew of my existence and that we were friends. We finally all live in the same city and met up to clarify some things.

CDfm

OOOOOps OP.

The first thing is that you did wrong and met up and apologised about it and resolved "not to sin again".

I would stay out of his and her way.

While you are not coming out of this with any credit , the GF knows and has made her peace with you and you with her.

After that, it up to her.

littlefish

ashamed wrote: »

There was sometimes flirting which was passed off as a joke. The girl knew of my existence and that we were friends. We finally all live in the same city and met up to clarify some things.

OP are you friends with the tow of these? How do you intend on not bumping into them both if you do say anything.

LegacyUser

anonymouscc wrote: »

You messed about with him on a bed.

We didn't "mess about". I'm not going to describe the entire situation but after a night out we ended up sleeping in the same bed as he had no where to go. His hand started roaming so I pushed it away, end of situation.

anonymouscc wrote: »

You 'wrestled' with him.
Regardless of whether you had sex or kissed each other, what were you at?
You knew he was in a relationship.

I've already said I'm ashamed of this. At the time I was kidding myself that it was just like when I would have a laugh with girlfriends or male relatives.

anonymouscc wrote: »

Did the alarm bells not ring with you when he slagged off his gf in front of you?
What were you hoping to get from this 'relationship'?
Where did you think it would end?
And you then went and met his gf?
No wonder you are ashamed. It sounds like you now have a guilty conscience about the whole thing and you are trying to asuage your guilt.
Shame on you.

I didn't intend to be his girlfriend so while I could see that he was disrespectful to her it seemed like it was nothing to do with me as we didn't have a romantic relationship.

What I was getting from it was someone who I could have a joke or a chat and a laugh with at a time when I was going through a changes and difficulties including moving country, the separation of my parents, my father getting sick as well as a bereavement and my family and friends were in another country. So he was someone who could perk up my mood at a time when there was a lot of sadness and isolation, even if it was mostly online and anything inappropriate was just "a joke". (This is not meant in any way to excuse what I did but it's just what was going through my head at the time.)

Yes I did meet his girlfriend because she specifically asked me to meet up. I felt after all that I shouldn't slink away and avoid her if she wanted to talk to me, that I should just face her and the consequences.

LegacyUser

littlefish wrote: »

OP are you friends with the tow of these? How do you intend on not bumping into them both if you do say anything.

I'm not friends with his girlfriend and as I've recently found out he's not a proper friend either. I don't really care if I bump into them, I just feel bad knowing that there's stuff his girlfriend doesn't know and I'm wondering if I should fully inform her or if it's best to just let it be.

Beruthiel

ashamed wrote: »

she told me that his best friend had told her he is a b@stard and she shouldn't be with him.

I'm wondering if I should tell her there's things I didn't say and that we could meet up again and talk about it if she wants. If she doesn't, fair enough I'll never contact either of them again. I feel bad that I am keeping "important" facts from her.

She didn't listen to his best friend.
She's not going to listen to you, a stranger, with an ulterior motive.
Leave her be.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

She didn't listen to his best friend.
She's not going to listen to you, a stranger, with an ulterior motive.
Leave her be.

I do not have an ulterior motive and we have been in contact for months talking about some things so I am not exactly a stranger but I wasn't being completely honest with myself about other things, it's only now I've started doing that.

But I've decided not to say anything and will break off contact with both of them. Could the mods please close the thread. Thank you to those who gave sound advice particularly CDfm.