Another house-mate thread

LegacyUser

Hey guys,
Sorry for another house-mate thread but here it goes.

Ok so I moved in with a good friend of mine over a year ago. We are good friends and have a lot of fun but moving in has been stressful.

So we were always good drinking mates but since moving in I just can't keep up. I love to go out at the weekend maybe a Fri or Sat but I just can't keep up. I cant afford 2 and 3 nights a week. Maybe sometimes it feels like I might like it but we cant all do it every week. We earn similar amounts but I cant see where he gets the money for it.

Besides that its the amount he drinks, he is fairly a lightweight but far outdrinks any of our friends and just cant handle it. This Friday I had some family in town but since they were in bed early and he had nobody else to go out with I agreed to go for a few pints. He's usually in a bad mood if I didn't, he downed half a bottle of JD before we left and was out of it by the time we got to the Taxi. I had to pay for the taxi and I bought a few rounds of drink but when it was his turn he flat out refused to buy his round and get me back a drink. It was pointless arguing, he was too out of it to know what he was doing, so I actually just walked off. I couldn't stand it anymore.

Its a recurring thing. Either me or my friends have to take him home or stop him being thumped by boyfriends of girls he's creeping all over stopping bouncers from beating the life out of him. We are sick of it. Some of my other friends have noticed it and kinda distanced themselves and I've done it recently. It's not my job to make sure he gets home. Its ok for a friend to drink a bit too much once in a while, Im sure theyd look after me if the roles were reversed but this is ALL the time.

Saturday was worse. I went for a dinner with my GF and my family. He came along as he had nowhere else to go and then moaned at how aweful it was not to be wasted, we went home around 1. He rang every number in his phone until he found someone to go out with after. He came home around 3, walked in on my sister sleeping, then jumped on my bed (I wasnt feeling so well and nearly got sick) then started shouting.

Again it happens often, if my GF stays over he can come home shouting the place down or making noise. I have trouble bringing her on a night out cos shes not a big drinker and he makes her feel self conscious by making such an issue of her not drinking enough for his tastes.
He puts her down a lot too. He'll say things to me like "Oh Look at Johns, GF, now THATS a hot girlfriend, SHE'S so hot" or even stupid things like if she wore a blue top will tell me "oh I hate girls who wear blue tops, I'd never date a girl who wears blue tops". If she wore jeans instead of a skirt he'll say "Oh I HATE when girls wear jeans, why would they do that?"

He complains everyone is boring who doesn't drink and get out of it at ever opportunity. But then he sleeps all day every weekend and just gets up the next evening to go drinking again. He gets all cranky and abusive then if I say I dont want to go out. I like to go drinking as much as the next guy but I like to have a life too. I consider sleeping all day EVERY weekend to be boring but he sees it the other way. To be honest even going out with him now is boring as its the same routine every time. There's no fun anymore, it's just him whining, not paying his way and then getting out of it. Theres no such thing as even a few quiet pints and a bit of craic.

If I do anything with my GF he thinks its the lamest, stupidest thing in the world because we arent drinking. Because he sleeps all day we dont go out and do anything fun anymore.

In the house hes becoming more frustrating. Never cleans or tidies, never washes up or changes the bins even. Leaves the house for me to clean all the time.(I'm no neat freak but if the house stinks... ya know... ya have to do SOMETHING other than sit there in the stench). He takes my food and drink. I've even taken to not putting drink in the fridge if I buy a few beers or he'll drink them and never replace them. He gets annoyed if I don't buy him an icecream when I go to the shop and stupid things like that then makes me feel stingy. I don't mind giving someone a can of beer but if someone drinks a 6 pack I buy I expect he'd replace it the next day but no.
He always says "Oh I owe ya for that things there... I'll buy the next one, It'll balance out" but it never does....
I got his taxi and drinks this week but he doesnt even remember, he wont buy mine next week. They are examples but there are so many tiny examples that its actually starting to cost me money.

Sorry for the rant. I dont know what advice I need, just needed a rant, thanks for listening.

Neyite

he sounds like he has a serious drink problem - but the only one who can fix that is him. let him buy his own drink, and if he is too wasted to do that, then thats his problem. when you all look after him you are only enabling his behaviour - next time he get chucked out of a club for harrassing someone, stay inside and enjoy yourself.

why are you even this guys friend? he sounds like he has no redeeming features - move out, and tell him why he is a lousy flatmate and friend.

tbh

why haven't you told him how unacceptable his behaviour is? I don't understand

Penn

Not paying for drinks or whatever is one thing. Insulting your girlfriend is another. Whether he has a drinking problem or not, you should try to move out. He sounds like a horrible housemate and friend, and you're enabling his actions. He isn't your responsibility. If you don't want to go drinking with him, you don't have to. If you don't want to pay for his stuff, you don't have to.

If you cant move out, you just need to stop enabling his behaviour and tell him its not on. So what if he thinks you're being boring.

Also, why bring him out for a meal with your girlfriends family? You need to cut the apron strings. If you're out drinking with him, if he doesn't buy you a drink back, don't buy him one again until he does. It's obvious how he has more money to go drinking than you do. You're paying for the both of you.

Stop enabling him for a while and tell him not to make any snide remarks about your girlfriend. You have to start laying down the law a bit

kylith

Why not tell him that you think people who need to get paraletic all the time are pathetic, but that if that's what he wants to do you can't stop him, and that you will no longer be subsedising his drinking?

So what if he calls you boring? Call him a pathetic loser right back.

D-Generate

Stop being a push-over.
Its not like this friendship is amazing or anything.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I used to be the same with my old mates but i eventually grew out of them thank god, i used to hate the whole making you feel like the 'stinge' thing and it's just pure manipulation crap, realize that you are a man now and that you do not get easily manipulated by immature people, try and stick up for whats right, dont let him slag off your GF, it doesnt sound like a nice environment to bring her into tbh, and i do think its time to move on would you and your GF consider getting your own place?

Lets see how fast your house mate reacts when you say your moving on? he has been using you long enough, cusshy one for him with you being his Mammy and taking his crap...

Doesnt sound like much of a friend tbh.... you may get him bitchin about you if you do stand up to him, but so what? prefer to stand up and be a man then not... your other mates will eventually see who is nice, if they dont then you know they were not your mates.

What are you going to do now? All the best.

CDfm

Just tell him what you think straight out. I cant see why not.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys,

So....

It's not like I say nothing or don't call him out on things. It's just that when I do I stir more trouble and hassle than I'm bothered with dealing with half the time. When I do call him out he either gets grumpy, storms off, ignores what I'm saying or makes out I'm being the stingiest person in the world since "Sure I'll buy the X the next day, jeez, do I have to match every crumb". I'm not that much of a nit picker, I think I'm sound, i'll share with anyone but if it's clearly so one sided that I actually notice a dent in my pocket then something is wrong.

If I call him out for drinking a case of beer I bought he gets all defensive that I wasnt drinking it anyway that night and stop being so stingy and says "Oh fine, I'll buy you exactly the same amount back to the last drop" as if I'm being so stingy to count the ml's. But like, it's a whole case, I wouldn't dream of taking someones stuff like that and certainly not without replacing it.

He actually saw some crisps I bought the other day and complained why did I buy them as he didn't like the flavour. I told him in no uncertain terms that it was because i wanted them and they were for me. When he wants to buy some crisp he can buy whatever he wants and its none of his business, he stormed off into his room. (I mean, I'm in my mid-20's arguing about a packet of crisps... come on!)

It was actually my family we had dinner with and my GF came too. He came as it was Saturday night and it was the only event he knew going on as everyone else wasn't around so he saw it as a trip to the pub, it wasn't really asked, it was just presumed he'd be going as it was Saturday night and we were the only people going anywhere but we were just having a social few and dinner, not getting obliterated.

I told him the way he carried on Friday wasn't on and was seriously bad form and that he was out of it but I think he almost took telling him how out of it he was, as a compliment as it brought a smile to his face, probably at how much fun that was.

I told him walking in on my sister and jumping on my bed and screaming wasn't on either but he takes it all with a pinch of salt. When you are talking to him about something he doesn't want to know about he either walks off or pretends he can't hear you staring at the TV or something.

I don't know what to say about the drink. I can have my nights out where I'll drink as much as anyone but I know when to stop, I don't do it several nights in a row and maybe I'm going to a match on a Saturday morning or something I can sure enough contain myself not to obliterate myself on the Friday.

I really miss the social pints sitting in the pub. We can't even go to a normal pub and sit and have a bit of craic because there's not enough noise or women for him. I don't even want to go on the pull. I like the odd bit of clubbing but again I can contain it and really don't want to chat anyone up but that makes me so boring. Its at the point now where I'm almost separating my nights with my friends and my girlfriend. I mean, yeah, you have separate nights but you can also have nights where you can all hang out together but her being around causes such an issue, I know she probably hates it and I'm starting to as well but having to separate the two completely is just crap.

thefeatheredcat

I swear this guy sounds almost too familiar to me - an ex friend of mine. Very much the same behaviour would down half bottle of southern comfort or JD no bother, had no grasp of self control, only cared about binge drinking and going to lap dancing clubs. Had no respect for women whatsoever, would say stuff like that to me (i'm female btw) like what your friend said to you re your girlfriend. Horrible person.

He sounds very nasty, bitter and touch of an alco with no self control and zero respect for you. and tbh he doesn't deserve your friendship whatsoever. He's probably jealous of you having a girlfriend too. Awful situation to be in.

This is going to continue for a long time....unless you change the situation. If you weren't friends, would you tolerate a housemate who lives and behaves like this?
Speak up and hope he cops himself on or I think you would have to move out. Yknow though, I wouldn't even bother talking to this guy, just find yourself somewhere better to live, get rid of him out of your life, he sounds very toxic and his behaviour is just awful and also will reflect badly on you by other people's perception. Misery likes company, seems like he wants to drag you down to his sewer.

tinkerbell

Move out OP and stop being a doormat. You call this guy a "friend" yet he insults your gf? I can only imagine how upset your gf is knowing you go drinking with this guy when he insults her.

This guy is nothing but an alcoholic and he's dragging you down with him. So move out and end that "friendship" because he is not a friend if he is acting like an a$$hole to you and the people you care about every second of every day.

sickofwaiting

Hang on....he insults your gf constantly...he uses you for money constantly....leaves all the house work to you constantly.....causes you alot of hassle when he's drunk constantly.....he treats you like **** generally...

What is what it with some people that they will put up with this kind of crap? You must have a very low threshold for friendship OP. Wake up, this guy is no friend of yours. He sounds like a complete prick and you don't seem to like him, whats their to like in all fairness, so why are you still hanging around with this twat let alone living with him?

Its a very simple solution to your problem. Move out and ditch this twat. Let him moan about it all he wants, just tell him he has been well out of order and you have had enough of getting used for money and listening to your gf being insulted - and don't make the naive mistake of 'giving him one more chance' if he says he won't do it again...its in his nature, he might make an effort for a while but in the end this is just how he is. Just drop this loser once and for all.

moco

You just need to move out and find somewhere else to live, or he does. You've tried talking to him about it and he refuses to change so there's nothing more you can do. If you carry on putting up with his behaviour, he'll keep it up.

The friendship has run it's course and he most likely has a drink problem. Get away from him now before he wrecks your relationship with your girlfriend too.

I presume you wouldn't take this kind of behaviour from a girlfriend, so why take it from a friend? You owe him nothing.

LegacyUser

Thanks all,

Yeah, you're probably right, will have to move out at some point. The weird thing is I met him years ago and we used have great craic going out and hanging out and would be playing ball and all that and it was good craic so assumed living together would be good fun.

We both moved quite a bit away after our studies so dropping him as a friend is difficult. It just cuts me off a lot from him and other friends if I do.

As i said, we used have great craic going out, I'll drink away too like anyone when I like but something's just not good at the moment about it. He's angry or annoyed with me all the time and its coming out, I'm putting up with a lot yet he's the one acting pissed at me.

He said alright a while back that he's unhappy I have a girlfriend as if I don't go out but to be honest I still go out with the guys as much as I can afford. Even with no girlfriend I couldn't afford any more nights. And when I do go out he's drunk, angry, meets no-one or nasty looking girls, I'm doing better where I am for myself right now.

Right now I've been getting the cold shoulder since the weekend. Which is nice. I bought his night out on Friday, I took him out both nights when nobody else would return his calls, and I didn't give him a whack of a golf club when he walked in on my sister sleeping. God only knows what HE's pissed at, the flavour of Pringles in the cupboard not to his liking?

ongarboy

Hey OP,
I hope you take into account what everyone here is saying. You need to completely distance yourself from him even if it means moving out as your relationship with your GF will suffer. You can't just reminisce about the good old days as a reason to keep being his friend as this guy has now changed into a deeply unpleasant individual who can only change himself if he wants to. You say you've concern that it will cut you off from him if you leave...surely that is a good thing, if he is as dreadful as you've described? As regards other friends, are they not bothered by his antics at pubs/clubs in general??

Furthermore, as long as you continue to be his doormat, he will continue to treat you appallingly. I also don't recommend playing him at his own game (ie treat him as bad as he treats you as that just drags you down to his level). You don't need him and as you don't actually even want him around, it should be easy to distance yourself even if it means no longer being friends (ignore his texts/phonecalls etc). Do you want to be a friend with someone who is so dreadful? The old saying, you can choose your friends but not your family should be used here...choose not to be his friend.

You sound like a nice decent considerate chap so he doesn't deserve your friendship. I'm surprised your sister/GF and others who have had the misfortune to encounter him haven't already told you to ditch him...good luck with whatever you do!

easynote

rude housemate wrote: »

Right now I've been getting the cold shoulder since the weekend. Which is nice. I bought his night out on Friday, I took him out both nights when nobody else would return his calls, and I didn't give him a whack of a golf club when he walked in on my sister sleeping. God only knows what HE's pissed at, the flavour of Pringles in the cupboard not to his liking?

Maybe he is also reading Personal Issues posts on Boards.

thefeatheredcat

OP,

re-read posts again....

this guy is angry at himself and he's abusing you left, right and centre. If it's not your wallet, your food, your kindness, it's your goodness. He's verbally abusive towards you. He is jealous of you and your girlfriend and I dare say he will go to whatever means in his twisted drunk world to split you two up. He will continue to slowly chip away at your self esteem, tear you down piece by piece, split you up from your girlfriend and turn you into him (and then try it on with your girlfriend).

He has no friends. He is hanging onto you for dear life, clinging to you, using you, abusing you. He is acting like a bad smell inviting himself along with you and your family and girlfriend to dinner. He will make you a bad smell too.

I think there's a very good reason he has to try every phone number he has to get someone to come out. And I think you should wise up to it. I don't think you should associate yourself with him anymore... you're going to get a bad reputation because of him, and some night when you're the one taking pity of him from getting decked, it will be YOU that gets hit instead....and he will not be there to stand up for you, nor take you to A+E and not apologise.

He reminds me so much of an ex-friend of mine it's weird...he was once a guy you could have great craic with on a night out....he turned into a nightmare. He'd show up a people's houses (they he called friends) at 5 or 6am completely drunk out of his head with a few bottles of drink so he could drink at your house, didn't matter if you were sleeping and working the next day, his only worry was that he was kicked out of the last house party and had nowhere to drink.

I'd investigate things maybe with your friends if they don't talk to them, why so. You can be a decent man with the others to tell him he needs to get help. But I also think the best thing for you is to pack up and leave without saying a word and change your number.
Get him out of your life before he wrecks yours as I suspect that's what he wants. It would do him no harm to realise you're not going to take his abuse anymore and defend him in pubs and clubs. Let him get hit, maybe it'll wake him up from his disgusting behaviour and could prove to be a turning point in his life.