Boyfriends Mother problems

maryfar

My boyfriend and i split up due to the fact that i could not get on with his mother. I loved him to pieces and still do. He broke up with me as we were in the process of refurbishing an old house my family own and we intended to live together after this was done. During the process i clashed a lot with his mother and ended up having a huge row with her. Because of this my boyfriend ended our relationship and does not want to speak to me again. I am in pure agony over the hurt of this and don't know what to do. I have said i wanted to resolve this with him and his mother and apologise but to no avail he doesn't want to know. I feel very bad over the fallout as i always got on with his mother and with the stress of the house and everything it got to me at the time. Now I'm left on my own in this house and no boyfriend. I dont know what to do, any suggestions

ApeXaviour

Well it looks like you're ready to swallow your pride which may be necessary. Within reason, a special effort should be made around people important to your partner.

However, if he broke up so readily and is not willing to make-up then this argument might just be the straw that broke the camels back. For him it might be more excuse than cause.

Possibly the best thing you can do is give him some down time. He's likely letting his anger cloud his judgement. Cut off all contact for a week or two. No texts, emails, phone calls. Not hearing from you will likely dissipate any any pride in the matter and perhaps he might start missing you. If he contacts you suggest a coffee and broach it again, ask was this the only reason etc or did he just not see it working out? If he loved you like you loved him then he shouldn't let a moment of bad judgement get in the way, unless he didn't?

maryfar

Thanks for the reply, yes your right i should have respected his mother and said nothing, he is very close to her and i just craved the attention he didnt give me. You could be right saying it could be an excuse too. I just really want to make up. Its two weeks now with no contact. I really would like to try and meet his mam to apologise or even make peace.I dont know if i should call to her house or text her. I dont know what to do. Friends and family is saying let him go but ive been with him 9 years and dont want to throw it all away over a moment of madness. appreciate your advice thanks..

Taltos

Not trying to be bad here - but is there any chance that he is using your fight as an excuse to dump you???

I mean we all say things in heat sometimes - but to throw away 9 years?
Unless of course you went totally overboard with his mother...

I would suggest calling to see her personally when there is no-one else there with a small token and apologise to her face.
Texts / notes etc not always the best - unless you expect her reaction to be aggressive - then a note might be an idea.

Call around - and apologise if and only if the apology is warranted. Expect to eat some humble pie and try to control yourself if she nettles you.

Oryx

Apologise to his mam, and at least clear your concience on that score. Give it a while, then maybe contact your ex, and say how you have been feeling. It could be that he wont want to get back together and youd have to be ready for that, but it wont niggle you that you never had that contact.

If you dont reconcile with him, I know you feel lost right now, and thats normal. It will take a long time to get used to not being one half of a pair, but that is when you need to ask your own family and friends to be there for support.

SheRa

maryfar wrote: »

i just craved the attention he didnt give me

You need to think about what you said there. Did he really treat you the way you deserve to be treated?

Like one of the other posters said, why would a few rows with his mother, while no doubt upsetting for him, make him want to break up with you?

tinkerbell

Surely there was some other incident(s) leading up to this? I mean you're going out 9 years, you have a row with his mom and he dumps you? What kind of a row was it?

IrishEyes19

OP, were you in the wrong though? Im all for getting along with in laws or bf's mothers to keep the peace even if you have to bite your tounge, but I dont think you should have to eat humble pie either if you werent wrong. Sorry, but some mother's can be rightly horrible too and give you a hard time when you "take away" their "precious" boy.

It sounds really iffy that he dumped you over this unless this was a reoccuring issue that strained your relationship.

LegacyUser

I'm confused. You were in the process of doing up a house YOUR family own, with the longterm aim of moving in with your OH, and that was when you clashed with his mum? You're both adults, why was she involved to such an extent? Does she live nearby? Sometimes it's best to just nod, yes yes...and then do your own thing!
How come your family/friends are advising you you're better off without him?

maryfar

Thanks all for your advice. I feel myself that i didnt do anything wrong only get annoyed with his mam for the way she reacted towards me. Yes my boyfriend and i werent getting on for a bit over silly stuff regarding the house etc. Nothing serious. This came as a complete shock so maybe he did just want to find an excuse to dump me. His mam does live near 6 miles away so maybe that was the mistake too or else it was a lucky escape for me to see this before we moved in together. My friends siad hes not worth it as they could see he hadnt much affection towards me and didnt think we were ever suited together. This is just hard for me to get my head around as one minute we were together talking about our future -marriage, kids and the next he didnt want to talk or see me again,,
Yes we are both aldults and had planned to do up the house together. Never planned for any help from his mam but when we started she was in every day helping. Different plan althogher..

ApeXaviour

maryfar wrote: »

or else it was a lucky escape for me to see this before we moved in together. My friends siad hes not worth it as they could see he hadnt much affection towards me and didnt think we were ever suited together.

This is one of the main reasons you have friends... if they unanimously sing the same tune on this then it's worth listening to them. Theirs is an invaluable objective viewpoint.
Just as a caveat, only listen to their judgments, not their prejudgments. If you meet a new boy ignore what they say until you think they have a real idea of him.

maryfar

thanks, definitely think its time to move on..... wasting valuable time thinking of him....:)

CDfm

OP -what was the fight with his Mum about. Like a what was she involved in the house thing for ???

I had huge problems with my ex's Mother (I am divorced) absolutely a blight on my landscape for years and loomed large over my divorce too. I am a guy but no one was good enough for her princess.

So however much you love your boyfriend you will never please her & shouldn't really want to. Old saying "two women in the one kitchen".There is only one queen in a beehive. You were doing up your home.

A couple of years ago when visiting my parents , one of my Mums friends daughters had split up with her husband of a few weeks. The why was that the guy wanted one type of sofa and her mother went into the furniture shop and changed the order on what they had agreed by compromise to her daughters choice.

So what I would say here is if the relationship he has with his Mum causes problems with him having an independent relationship with you then there is a problem.

I would be saying get in touch with him if you want to and apologise to him about upsetting him.Send a letter but do not apologise for something that was not your fault.

Now I am a bit biased about Mother in laws but if she was not respecting boundaries then you are not at fault. I am a great fan of "yore ma" jokes.

maryfar

Thanks for that CDfm, really understand what your saying as it all makes sense.......
what you said is that in a nutshell...The argument with his mam was due to the fact we didnt agree or have the same taste in the house (i was going to be living in it not her!) and also i had said her son and i were having a few tiffs over things and that i didnt want to move in with him unless we were 100% getting on. She didnt react too good to that and stormed out and phoned him at work to tell him. After that it ended. Your right i will never please her and she would do anything for her precious son so ill never win and dont think ill ever please him either. I did get in touch with him, he didnt want to listen and have decided to move on and realised that it will never work with us. Its good to hear im not alone when it comes to mother in laws and would love to hear " Yore ma" yokes...:)

Beruthiel

Lucky escape Mary.
Any man who would side with his mother under those circumstances is one to be avoided at all costs!

Judes

Hey trust me you've had a lucky escape!!!

I just wasted 6 years of my life on a "boy" - I say "boy" because this person is 45 and still lives at home with his mother - he totally lived the teenage boy lifestyle ie. buy any gadgets he wanted, his money was his, mammy did all the cooking and cleaning for him. From day one his mother viewed me as the "other woman" the one trying to take her boy away from her - which would have meant removing her built in chauffeur, handyman and "date" for occasions. Instead of his mother being happy he had met somebody who loved him and put him first - she always made digs, stirred up trouble and blatantly lied - or cried - crying was her regular thing - she was a widow for about 8 years - but constantly harped on about it - and whenever things didn't go her way - it was tears and tantrum time. Which I found exhausting. He always took her side over me. Always defended her no matter what it was doing to me.

I have my own home just 60 miles from he lived with his mother but he would come down at weekends, we would holiday together and plans were made to get married, he would be moving in with me, work in my county etc. I even got as far as booking a venue for a private wedding ceremony. Then in June all contact stopped. Eventually there was one call after 2 weeks - he was sorry - he was a "dick" - still loved me - saw a future with me - would work at it - blah blah blah - a few emails for two weeks (which my wise friends described as his disassociation process) and I never heard from him again.

Once I got over the shock about how a middle aged "boy" could treat anyone - especially the woman he was supposed to love in such a manner - without an explanation I just thought OMG - the rose tinted spectacles came off and I finally saw what everybody else was trying to tell me for years. He was married to his mother - and I was just his mistress. He was never going to leave his mother. Nor was your man - all those years - sounds like he was just waiting for an excuse. Stay strong - you will get through it all - friends and your family will be wonderful - get out there and live life again and thank God it happened now - imagine if you'd relied on him during a difficulty or crisis in your life - he would have gone! You have my support and best wishes. Life is for living - you and I will live life - and our ex "boys" well, they just aren't "living" are they?!* J X

CDfm

@Judes - I recognise that woman - I had her clone.

Judes

Dear God - he made more than one of those moulds??? So we all live and learn the hard way - and one day we can laugh about it - and the things that made us weep - are the stories that keep everyone laughing at dinner parties. (Even inspired me to write a ditty that my friends love - I called it "An Irish Mammy's call".). But although we all suffered the M.I.L.F.H (mother in law from hell) - what about our past partners - how weak were they, huh? Keep smiling - keep strong - and keep your heads held high - we did nothing wrong - we don't owe the apologies. J X

kylith

maryfar wrote: »

Thanks for that CDfm, really understand what your saying as it all makes sense.......
what you said is that in a nutshell...The argument with his mam was due to the fact we didnt agree or have the same taste in the house (i was going to be living in it not her!) and also i had said her son and i were having a few tiffs over things and that i didnt want to move in with him unless we were 100% getting on. She didnt react too good to that and stormed out and phoned him at work to tell him. After that it ended. Your right i will never please her and she would do anything for her precious son so ill never win and dont think ill ever please him either. I did get in touch with him, he didnt want to listen and have decided to move on and realised that it will never work with us. Its good to hear im not alone when it comes to mother in laws and would love to hear " Yore ma" yokes...:)

And there it is; she was annoyed that you weren't going to decorate your house how she wanted it (obviously a woman who's not used to being told No) and decided to do some poostirring.. Who knows what she told him you said.

Never tell parents more than they need to know.

maryfar

Thanks Beruthiel, i agree:)

maryfar

Wow judes… you had it tough alright…. You must have had some patience for him…
It was only when we decided to do up this house was when I really seen what she was like and how she was so demanding on what way we should do this that and the other.
Life is definitely for living and having fun as its way too short to be dwelling on bad stuff. Just good to hear stories about other people as it makes me feel not alone here and somebody understands….. Definitely only tell parents only what you have to. Very good point! Saves a lot of hassel.