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Dont know what to do with in dept,lying partner

  • 11-10-2010 11:16am
    #1
    krjriver
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2 ✭


    Guys i need help.My partner has always had an issue with money,spending,lying.we have 2 kids and i just found out that she lost her job because she stole money from a collegue.i also found out she has depts up to € 75,000.and that she also was taking money from my wallet. I am so hurt,angry confused and do not know what to do.i have told her that my priorty now is to make sure the kids come first and to support her in getting help,but i do not know what will happen between us.i feel a pain in my chest and seriously do not know what i am going to do.Please help.


Comments

  • #2
    Zen65
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭Zen65


    krjriver wrote: »
    I am so hurt,angry confused and do not know what to do.i have told her that my priorty now is to make sure the kids come first and to support her in getting help,but i do not know what will happen between us.i feel a pain in my chest and seriously do not know what i am going to do.Please help.

    It's a very stressful time for you, but you must make it your priority to safeguard yourself and your kids. It's hard to offer advice without knowing where the money has gone (what is the source of your partner's addiction?).

    I would suggest you start by going to MABS to get help with ensuring that arrangements are in place to be able to continue paying mortgage, gas, electricity etc. You may not feel this is necessary if you are working and can afford to make these repayments, but if you are going to help with the debt repayment then you may find yourself very stretched.

    Next, you need to find out more about the circumstances of these debts. Do they relate to drugs, gambling, drink, or some other addiction? What is happening with the charge of theft from her colleague - is there a prosecution pending, has the money stolen been repaid?

    Professional help is the way to go, for her especially. You cannot deal with this alone, even with the best will in the world from people here on Boards.ie


    Be at peace,

    Z


  • #3
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    OP are you married ??

    Anyway read this for the law on marriage.

    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055694680

    Even if you are you married you are not responsible for her debts. The first place to go is MABS. That way the financials can be clearly put in place.

    www.mabs.ie

    Then you also need either relationship or seperation counselling no matter what you do.

    Try the Family Support Agency too

    www.fsa.ie

    Free counselling is available to couples.

    http://www.fsa.ie/services/counselling-services/


    Dont rush into any decision but first evaluate the situation and it is hard to be objective but this is a biggie.

    I wish you her and the kids well. Its a big shock and try to stay calm and get a handle on what is going on before rushing headlong into anything.


  • #4
    krjriver
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2 ✭krjriver


    Thanks for replying.
    she has no idea what she spent the money on.I pay for all bills and groseries and bills are in my name only so i should not get a bad credit rating.She says she has a letter and money to give the collegue. I have started the ball rolling with Mabs and have also got professional help for her. i dont think i could ever trust her again as i dont believe anything she says.Am i wrong in trying to look after myself and the kids as what i can now see has been a one way road.Should i tell her go.


  • #5
    Johnny Bitte
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,099 ✭✭✭Johnny Bitte


    krjriver wrote: »
    Should i tell her go.

    I dont think would be the best thing for either of you or the kids.

    If she has recognized she has a problem and is genuinely working on fixing it she will need your support.

    I am in a similar situation but while my problem is medical, when my partner left me just as I hit a low point it was devastating.

    I think you need to talk talk talk to her and just explain that while you want to help and will be there to support her, she cannot do anything like this ever again.

    Once things (hopefully) are better for her and you still feel it cannot work then you might want to ask her to leave.

    Hope this helps.


  • #6
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    That is only a question that you can answer.

    You do get situations where on seperation kids are awarded to the mum and maintenence is payable even if she is the worse parent..

    www.uspi.ie or www.amen.ie may be able to suggest something to you.

    I don't think anyone here could say what to do but lots of people will have been in the situation where husbands, wives, and partners have done the same thing.Some have survived others not.

    Has she signed on ??

    The letter and repayment should be done carefully especially if there is a potential criminal case there.


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  • #7
    seamus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    krjriver wrote: »
    Am i wrong in trying to look after myself and the kids as what i can now see has been a one way road.
    No, of course not. Looking after the childrens' future is your number one priority and your own fiscal solvency is a part of that. So safeguarding your accounts from her problems is the absolute minimum that you should be doing.
    Should i tell her go.
    That's up to you. What would it accomplish? You're not doubt very angry and hurt about her lying, so perhaps it would be useful to spend some time apart, but she is still the mother of your children and if you still love her, then you should try to work through this.

    What you describe sounds like she has an addiction of some form. It doesn't have to be drink, drugs or gambling. Some people are actually addicted to spending money - to the good feeling that you get when something new arrives on the doorstep. In typical cases, they start to feel guilty about their mounting debt, so they shop to make themselves feel better. And it spirals out of control from there until she's €75k in debt, but still putting her fingers in her ears and buying new stuff online to make herself feel good.

    Of course, only a counsellor can diagnose any problems and help her control them.

    Once you have completely isolated her from your money, then what you do from there is up to you. If you consider it in terms that she has a weakness which she couldn't control and wasn't being intentionally bad or evil, that might make it easier to decide whether you can help her through it or whether you can't.
    Whichever path you choose is a long one with plenty of heartache.

    Once you have some legal and professional guidance, maybe the personal choice will become clearer.


  • #8
    Zen65
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭Zen65


    krjriver wrote: »
    she has no idea what she spent the money on.

    I hear an alarm bell ringing, I think?

    With respect, the money was probably spent wherever the €75k debt is. I think it's critical to get to the bottom of the money trail, because she cannot deal with her past actions if she cannot account for them. I would find it very hard to spend €75k on anything without there being some sort of clue (clothes, jewellery, holidays ???).

    Be at peace,

    Z


  • #9
    seamus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    Zen65 wrote: »
    With respect, the money was probably spent wherever the €75k debt is. I think it's critical to get to the bottom of the money trail, because she cannot deal with her past actions if she cannot account for them. I would find it very hard to spend €75k on anything without there being some sort of clue (clothes, jewellery, holidays ???).
    You'd be surprised how easy purchases can be hidden. Buy a €1,500 designer dress, tell your husband it cost €80 (he won't know the difference) and tell your friends you bagged a bargain at €200, down from €400. Unless they're fashion gurus, they won't know the difference either.

    It was easy during the good times to get personal loans from the banks of €20k or more with no security. Go to 2 or 3 banks and you have €60k in your account, no waiting. If you hit the limit on your credit card, banks used to just throw another €1000 on it, for the craic like. If someone had 3 or 4 cards with €5k limits on it, that's another €20k. Those who have it really bad could have 7 or 8 cards, all maxed out.
    When the recession hit, she obviously found it difficult to obtain further credit and resorted to theft and deception to feed her addiction.

    I don't think it really matters from his point of view what she's spent it on. Whenever she came home with something new, she probably told him it cost a fraction of what it actually did. He's aware of the scale of her deception at this point, I don't think analysing it will help him.


  • #10
    Zen65
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭Zen65


    seamus wrote: »
    I don't think it really matters from his point of view what she's spent it on. Whenever she came home with something new, she probably told him it cost a fraction of what it actually did. He's aware of the scale of her deception at this point, I don't think analysing it will help him.

    You are right Seamus, it won't help him. But if he wants to get help for her, she needs to expose the root of her spending. If she stays vague about where she spent it, then getting control over her habit in the future will be almost impossible. These forums are full of stories of partners flittering through the family nestegg more than once, because the underlying habit has not been dealt with.

    I agree with most of the advice here to OP, yours included. But the question of trust between him and his partner will be hard to resolve unless she points to where the money went.

    She does know, of that I'm fairly sure.


    Be at peace,

    Z


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