Should i be upset?

allanb49

Posting this in AH's cause you get a more honest/human response.

I'm getting married next year and in doing so want to leave my old life behind, mainly my dad who i haven't seen since i was 6.

I met my Dad's dad once and that was about 14 years ago.

I decided over the last few weeks i want to contact this side of my family for my own reasons, not for love nor money.

I got hold of my "granddads" phone number in england and gave him a call last night.

My granddad would be the only way i can link back to my dad.

So i rang up and got told he had passed away last march.

Now should i be upset or is it wrong i feel nothing. The only repercussions i can think of is now my dad is forever gone there is no way of contacting him at all.

Now these people where pretty much strangers to me, not family nor relatives. You can say legally they where but in the greater scheme of things they weren't, as i only met the granddad once and my dad left when we where young. Has anyone else had to deal with this before and if so what did you do.

I'm thinking of sending a card to his widow giving my address or email address with it and saying if you want to pass this onto my dad or aunt feel free , the granddad remarried so she isn't related to me. But would this be going too far or should i push to try and get some contact with my dad before all contact is gone?

*Not looking for serious advice which why in After Hours :P*

darkestlord

if the old bugger didn't leave any thing in his will . Dont bother. Move on with ure life

allanb49

Hmm, What if he did though, would help with the wedding I could get that pig on a spit

wobbles-grogan

I say go for it, attempt to contact.
You have nothing to loose, but you may have something to gain (depending on how you feel about it)

Think about it this way, in 5 years time, if you didnt send that card, all hope of contacting the widow is gone, would you regret it? Would you wish you had? I dont know the answer, and neither do you, but the only way you cant ask yourself the question is to go for it!

DOC09UNAM

Go and get that money, and if their aint no money, it aint no problem of yours.

Biggins

All you can do at best, is leave your contact details with them - with a few members of the family.
If they want to further make contact, the balls then in their court. At least you have made an effort - and in the meanwhile you can and should, move on with your life.

Good luck with the wedding.

WindSock

Nutin venchored nutin gheyned.

faceman

My cousin always called my granddad "grandy" and thought I was weird for not doing the same

Anyway sending a card to the widow which is really for the purpose of contact your father might be an unfair burden on the widow if there is unpleasant history there and perhaps she is still grieving so it could be a very insensitive move

Maybe send the card in sincerity with your contact details bit omit the bit about passing it to your dad. Or just send her a letter under separate cover

Or just dont get married!

stovelid

If it makes you feel better, why not?

I'm sure nobody could reasonably question a son (or the motive) trying to contact the family of his father, especially before a event like your wedding day.

Best of luck.

Setun

allanb49 wrote:

*Not looking for serious advice which why in After Hours *

Love how you've actually gotten some reasonably sensible answers. AH always surprises me.

allanb49

The rumour from my mother is that the second wife of my granddad wanted nothing to do with us in case we where entitled to money in the will. But for a man who only met his grandkids once i doubt we are in the will. Unless he worded it wrongly and said to his grandchildren. Which i don't know if legally would entitle us to anything. :Pac:

allanb49

Daddio wrote: »

Love how you've actually gotten some reasonably sensible answers. AH always surprises me.

So am i, but it's early still,

People always give After Hours a bad rap but ask a stupid question get a stupid answer.

starbelgrade

Don't send a card - send over an invoice instead.

orourkeda

stovelid wrote: »

If it makes you feel better, why not?

I'm sure nobody could reasonably question a son (or the motive) trying to contact the family of his father, especially before a event like your wedding day.

Best of luck.

Why not? That would be the first thing I'd do.

I know this may sound very clear cut and abrasive but fathers who care for their children don't run away. Consequently, why would you make such an effort to have him at your wedding. I'm sure you've had difficult periods when your father wasnt there. If this is true why would you have him around for the good times

Setun

allanb49 wrote: »

So am i, but it's early still,

People always give After Hours a bad rap but ask a stupid question get a stupid answer.

And ask a sensible question looking for silly answers, and you get sensible answers. It's a mad house!

The Rook

allanb49 wrote: »

I'm getting married next year and in doing so want to leave my old life behind, mainly my dad who i haven't seen since i was 6.


The only repercussions i can think of is now my dad is forever gone there is no way of contacting him at all.

*

I'm confused ... you want to leave that part of your life behind, and you're going to do this by contacting him? How does that work?!!

fishtastico

allanb49 wrote: »

I could get that pig on a spit

I think you could find a more romantic way to describe your wedding night

allanb49

starbelgrade wrote: »

Don't send a card - send over an invoice instead.

25 years of unclaimed Christmas's and birthdays made to Cash

allanb49

orourkeda wrote: »

Why not? That would be the first thing I'd do.

I know this may sound very clear cut and abrasive but fathers who care for their children don't run away. Consequently, why would you make such an effort to have him at your wedding. I'm sure you've had difficult periods when your father wasnt there. If this is true why would you have him around for the good times

O no i don't want him at my wedding, I just want to contact him to close that one empty space that's there and has been niggling at me since i was 14 to contact him. But until now i didn't have the drive or the resources to do it. Now that i am getting married i feel as i should have no skeletons in the closet about my past lay it to rest.

I don't want a relationship with the man.

Maybe a christmas card once a year kinda thing at most but that would be as far as it goes.

As i said i have no feelings for or against him and never had any difficult periods as my mum sheltered both me and my sister from any of the stuff going on.

I had my mum and typical Irish guy i do love my mum as she brought up myself and my sister on her own and she was a mother and a father to me and i couldn't have asked for more growing up.

I also know it will look ungrateful on her behalf me going looking for my dad, but this isn't for me to establish a relationship with him it's for closure in this new era of my life which i'm about to start.

allanb49

fishtastico wrote: »

I think you could find a more romantic way to describe your wedding night

wipes tear from eye.

WindSock

Do it if you feel it is something you have to do, but prepare yourself as he may not feel the same way about establishing contact. Good luck.

allanb49

The Rook wrote: »

I'm confused ... you want to leave that part of your life behind, and you're going to do this by contacting him? How does that work?!!

If all goes to plan next year i will be moving to Japan so all links will be lost after that.

As someone said above *Biggins i think* It will always be on my mind if i don't at least try and contact or give them the option to contact me, at least if i try and contact the man i will know i tried and it's up to him if he replies.

allanb49

WindSock wrote: »

Do it if you feel it is something you have to do, but prepare yourself as he may not feel the same way about establishing contact. Good luck.

Well had the talk with my fianceé last night who's a social worker and she thinks this is all a sudden thing for me to do, but it's something i've wanted to do since 3rd year in school. I've always been prepared to know he may not want to know me. In fact that's what i reckon will happen. So that won't come as a shock to me. The most beneficial thing i would love to get out of this would be family medical history.

Rabble Rabble

OP, you dont owe your dad anything.

by the way I was a bit confused by the use of the pro-noun "he" passed away.

this is ambigious

My granddad would be the only way i can link back to my dad.

So i rang up and got told he had passed away last march.

Now should i be upset or is it wrong i feel nothing. The only repercussions i can think of is now my dad is forever gone there is no way of contacting him at all.

I thought your dad had died.

allanb49

damn and i was trying not to make any mistakes,

Sorry my granddad has passed away last march, and he was the only link i had to the rest of the family

Wompa1

allanb49 wrote: »

damn and i was trying not to make any mistakes,

Sorry my granddad has passed away last march, and he was the only link i had to the rest of the family

You should probably edit your post..I was about to say use a Weedgie board or however you spell that..

we'llallhavetea_old

well i just read the last two pages thinking your dad had died, very confusticating!

just send the letter, once it's gone, it's up to him and you don't have to worry about it.

i think you'll feel much better if you just send it

allanb49

Wompa1 wrote: »

You should probably edit your post..I was about to say use a Weedgie board or however you spell that..

Nah cause then my explanation about it will confuse matters further,

Oujia board,

Doneg Al

I have been in a very similar situation.

Breifly, as brief as a family history can be, my sperm donor abandoned me when I was 9 months old. So I have no relationship with him. My grand sperm donor died a few years back and I actually wasn't aware of the fact. Now while my sperm donor is someone I don't want to know, basically because he didn't want to know me, my grand sperm donor was a good man who actually made great efforts to have a relationship with me.

Last month my grand sperm receiver died, and as she actively chose to ignore my very existance( she took my brother and sister on holidays but always refused to even meet me) I chose to ignore her very funeral.

In my view there IS no link with my sperm donor, so no matter how many of his family drop off, there's always Facebook if I ever feel like I wanted to say hi.

But then again it takes years of rejection and emotional suppression to reach this level of zen calmness. So maybe I'm not a great role model! But that's just how I deal with it.

TheZohanS

The fact that you've posted on here means that you want to make some sort of contact so go for it, if he's not interested it's his loss.

Congrats and enjoy your wedding.

stovelid

orourkeda wrote: »

Why not? That would be the first thing I'd do.

I know this may sound very clear cut and abrasive but fathers who care for their children don't run away. Consequently, why would you make such an effort to have him at your wedding. I'm sure you've had difficult periods when your father wasnt there. If this is true why would you have him around for the good times

I probably should have phrased it better. Of course there are valid grounds for questioning but many people will also just want to contact/make peace with parents - even neglectful or absent ones. The link with your father is still a strong one at the end of the day.

As said already: be prepared for the worst though. I know somebody that contacted their birth mother many many years after being given up for adoption and the mother declined to meet her.

fakearms123

Get in contact, if you somehow can't get in contact then at least you tried and you will be no better or no worse than you are right now

allanb49

Cheers People of After Hours.

stovelid

Yore Da.

:pac:

Rabble Rabble

I , for one, am glad of StoveLid's contribution. It was getting like Personal Issues in here.Fair play, StoveLid.

( also OP, do what AH says).

allanb49

Rabble Rabble wrote: »

( also OP, do what AH says).

Last time i did that i parked a cement truck outside some gates and got in shít