My relationship with my parents has completely broken down

fat__tony

Not sure of this is the correct place for this thread but anyway...

I suppose the incident this evening merely confirms it. There were unpleasant things said to me to say the least.

To provide a bit of history on the incident, my younger brother (26) took a tv (which i bought a year before) from my room at home last year when i was working in Dublin. Apparently he brought it around to his girlfriends house where it has remained since. He did this without asking me at the time. When i arrived home for a visit, I noticed the TV missing and asked where it was. My question was met by silence from my brother and he ignored me. Needless to say an exchange of words began and I demanded the return of the TV.

I moved to the middle east for 8 months last January due to work reasons and I returned back to Ireland at the end of August (back to my family home unfortunately) Still no TV. I asked in a polite manner to return the TV as soon as possible and he assured me he would. One month passed and nothing. I asked again in a not so polite fashion and was basically told "sure you're not even using anyway" I accused him of effectively stealing the TV from the room.

Today I asked my Dad to intervene and it has backfired badly with the result of both my parents rounding up on me for "going on about that ****ing TV" and not letting it go. The final words were from my mother who effectively said "it's a pity you don't go as well, I'm sick of the sight of you"

I was too stunned to say anything, I've always worked hard, tried to do the right thing in life, went to school, got good results, got an excellent degree etc.

But discovering that your parents think of you in this way is stomach churning. I'm actually leaving for Canada in 2-3 weeks so they may get their wish.

Family, why even bother?

El Siglo

fat__tony wrote: »

Not sure of this is the correct place for this thread but anyway...

I suppose the incident this evening merely confirms it. There were unpleasant things said to me to say the least.

To provide a bit of history on the incident, my younger brother (26) took a tv (which i bought a year before) from my room at home last year when i was working in Dublin. Apparently he brought it around to his girlfriends house where it has remained since. He did this without asking me at the time. When i arrived home for a visit, I noticed the TV missing and asked where it was. My question was met by silence from my brother and he ignored me. Needless to say an exchange of words began and I demanded the return of the TV.

I moved to the middle east for 8 months last January due to work reasons and I returned back to Ireland at the end of August (back to my family home unfortunately) Still no TV. I asked in a polite manner to return the TV as soon as possible and he assured me he would. One month passed and nothing. I asked again in a not so polite fashion and was basically told "sure you're not even using anyway" I accused him of effectively stealing the TV from the room.

Today I asked my Dad to intervene and it has backfired badly with the result of both my parents rounding up on me for "going on about that ****ing TV" and not letting it go. The final words were from my mother who effectively said "it's a pity you don't go as well, I'm sick of the sight of you"

I was too stunned to say anything, I've always worked hard, tried to do the right thing in life, went to school, got good results, got an excellent degree etc.

But discovering that your parents think of you in this way is stomach churning. I'm actually leaving for Canada in 2-3 weeks so they may get their wish.

Family, why even bother?

Mods move thread to PI, quickly this is a lamb to slaughter here.

dr.bollocko

Moved from After Hours.

thalia_13

It sounds like a row me and brother had over and over while we both ended up back at home due to lack of funds.

First thing I did was move out soon as I was able, as I was so stressed by tension between me and my brother. My parents tried not to take sides but they got so exasperated by all the stupid rows, sometimes it felt like they were taking his side and I'd be gutted.

I emigrated for over a year after all of that hassle in the family, came home alot calmer and when my brother deliberately tried to start up old rows, all the family saw him as a shxtstirrer, and sympathised with me having had to deal with all that crap from him previously!

Take a deep breath, step back and just plan your canada trip. Good luck with it!

Gone West

This is one incident, it seems like your brother was irresponsible and you are bugging people asking for it back.

Are you happy to have your relationship with your parents break down over a television?
Let it go.

IrishEyes19

OP, I suggest you sit down quietly and ask your Mam why she said this, but say it calmly.

May I ask if you are a slightly hot tempered person? I dont mean this offensively at all, as I used to get very heated in arguments and I was told to calm down that I was over reacting. The words stung and I realised I often yelled when I was trying to say what I meant.

I suggest you sit down and perhaps quietly explain how you feel and say that those words hurt. This is your mother and she loves you, I can imagine they were heated words with no substance. Heightened emotions cause untrue words, OP.

fat__tony

Fuzzy wrote: »

This is one incident, it seems like your brother was irresponsible and you are bugging people asking for it back.

Are you happy to have your relationship with your parents break down over a television?
Let it go.

unfortunately the row is much more than just a TV, I've haven't got on with this brother for over 10 years at this stage. We don't talk and when we do it's to argue. Thankfully I haven't seen him much over the past few years as I haven't been at home.

My parents are having a go over my attitude in general which according to them I ignore people and don't talk to them. The thing is when It comes to work and socially I get on very well with people.

It's come to the stage that my family are just people Ill never get on with and this is the crux of the problem.

Ill just have to accept it I suppose.

IrishEyes19

fat__tony wrote: »

unfortunately the row is much more than just a TV, I've haven't got on with this brother for over 10 years at this stage. We don't talk and when we do it's to argue. Thankfully I haven't seen him much over the past few years as I haven't been at home.

My parents are having a go over my attitude in general which according to them I ignore people and don't talk to them. The thing is when It comes to work and socially I get on very well with people.

It's come to the stage that my family are just people Ill never get on with and this is the crux of the problem.

Ill just have to accept it I suppose.

OP,its hard to advise considering we dont know the exact nature of your arguement with your family, but if its worth saving, save it. Blood is thicker than water. I think your parents might be fustrated with the arguments between you and your brother. It can be very fustrating watching people argue from the outset. It poisons the atmosphere. If you cant mend the relationship with the brother, try it with your parents. Its always nice to have somewhere to come home to. You might regret it in the future. that said, it is easier said than done.

Reesy

Hi OP, here's just a thought: would it be possible for you to tell your brother that you've thought about it & you want him to have the TV as a gift? Do't follow it up with any smart remark, or any apology. Just leave it at that. You'd never gave got the TV back anyway, and you get the moral high ground.

When I was leaving home & my siblings were still there I had some respect / property issues too. In my case, looking back, they were really about being respected in the family home. Maybe the best is if you officiallly move out & become a visitor. You can leave stuff there, it just changes the dynamic.

Would this help at all or am I barking up the wrong tree?

Wagon

fat__tony wrote: »

To provide a bit of history on the incident, my younger brother (26) took a tv (which i bought a year before) from my room at home last year when i was working in Dublin. Apparently he brought it around to his girlfriends house where it has remained since. He did this without asking me at the time. When i arrived home for a visit, I noticed the TV missing and asked where it was. My question was met by silence from my brother and he ignored me. Needless to say an exchange of words began and I demanded the return of the TV.

I moved to the middle east for 8 months last January due to work reasons and I returned back to Ireland at the end of August (back to my family home unfortunately) Still no TV. I asked in a polite manner to return the TV as soon as possible and he assured me he would. One month passed and nothing. I asked again in a not so polite fashion and was basically told "sure you're not even using anyway" I accused him of effectively stealing the TV from the room.

Yeah pretty much. It wasn't his, he took it and ain't giving it back.

Today I asked my Dad to intervene and it has backfired badly with the result of both my parents rounding up on me for "going on about that ****ing TV" and not letting it go. The final words were from my mother who effectively said "it's a pity you don't go as well, I'm sick of the sight of you"

Out of order.

I was too stunned to say anything, I've always worked hard, tried to do the right thing in life, went to school, got good results, got an excellent degree etc.

But discovering that your parents think of you in this way is stomach churning. I'm actually leaving for Canada in 2-3 weeks so they may get their wish.

Family, why even bother?

Don't. If they are prepared to just let your brother steal your things, tell you that they can't stand the sight of you...fúck em. Get out of this poxy country and get yourself going in Canada. Can't choose our family but we can choose to have nothing to do with them. And take something from your wanker of a brother when you leave. Just to even things out and let the selfish bastard know how it feels.

LegacyUser

OP,

You have my sympathy. Families do not make one bit of rational sense IMO. It can be a very frustrating and soul destroying experience. While this may seem like it is a pointless arguement over a TV there is probably lots of other unresolved conflicts going back years bubbling away at the surface. It can feel like you can't do right for doing wrong sometimes.
Maybe your parents are want an easy life? Maybe your brother is jealous of you? Maybe your parents feel sorry for your brother and think you have it better. Who knows? Trying to figure it out is a minefield and can just drive you insane. Sometimes it's not worth the effort.

Say to your mother that you were hurt by her comment and ask her for view on the situation. A lot of things can be said in the heat of the moment. Then just try and get on with your life as best you can. Be polite as much as you can and try not to get into disputes. A healthy distance can be a good thing. Try to resolve it with your parents though if you can and maybe take some space.

Don't dwell on this endlessly though. Accept that families are never straight forward and everyone sees things from their own perspective. Sometimes things are not fair but finding your way of protecting yourself in that can be helpful even if that means moving away. It's hard to come back to home after being away.

best of luck

LegacyUser

So you were in dublin coming home at random weekends and the tv goes missing. How often did you go home....

You then move away for 8 months (were you going to take the tv with you?)

Your now moving away in 2-3 weeks (are you going to take the tv with you?)

my point is you don't really need the tv. were all the arguments worth it. i think maybe you might have blown this way out of proportion. Even if you get the tv back at this stage what are you going to do with it? take it to Canada...

IrishEyes19

Wagon wrote: »

Yeah pretty much. It wasn't his, he took it and ain't giving it back.

Out of order.

Don't. If they are prepared to just let your brother steal your things, tell you that they can't stand the sight of you...fúck em. Get out of this poxy country and get yourself going in Canada. Can't choose our family but we can choose to have nothing to do with them. And take something from your wanker of a brother when you leave. Just to even things out and let the selfish bastard know how it feels.

Sorry,Wagon, with all due respect that's horrendous advice.

@OP, I honestly think family are important and arguments are terribly fustrating when parents or siblings do not seem to get your point or take your side when you feel you are in the right. However, if you walk out the door to Canada and leave this cold atmosphere in the air, it may be very hard to walk back again, and I dont care what other posters may say, life can sometimes throw you a very unlucky hand of cards, and you may regret the day you can't walk in the door home to your own blood.

I really believe a quiet sit down with your Mother and Father and a chat could clear the air, and maybe not, but at least you will have tried and therefore you wont be leaving on a bad note where it looks like you stormed off. I guess I could be sounding quite biased as family is quite important to me, but unless you can truly walk out the door, having wiped your hands of them, not wanting to see them ever again. Don't break such a bond over a tv, though I also believe its not the tv thats the foundation of this fight, clearly they're are deeper issues at hand here and Id truly advise you to resolve them before you leave. Best of luck, I hope it works out for you.

seamus

Your younger brother is 26. Why in God's name are you getting your parents involved at all? You're two adults. Or at least you're supposed to be.

What it sounds like here is you have two siblings, typically clashing as siblings do and showing little respect for eachother's property - as siblings do. You've had 26 years to get used to this, why are you so suprised?

I'm kind of half with another poster here. You don't live there any more. Your TV was sitting idle, not being used, your brother's girlfriend needed a TV so he correctly thought, "Hey, there's an unused TV sitting in my parent's house which would do just fine". So he took it. Yes, he should have asked you, but he took the TV for a perfectly rational and reasonable purpose, not out of spite or malice against you. He probably thought you didn't care, because if you did, you would have taken the TV with you, right?

You're making too big of a deal about this. This is probably a carbon copy of every other row that you've had with your brother for the last 26 years. And this is probably why your parents have been short with you - they're sick of it. It seems that every time you come home, it's nothing but bitching and backbiting and whingeing about a bloody TV that you don't even need and your parents are just sick of it. They're old, they don't need two adult sons fighting in their house anymore - you shouldn't even have "my room" any more.

In fact, what probably happened is that your brother came home looking for a TV and your parents told him to take the TV in your bedroom. You weren't living there, but you'd left your TV there, so they felt they had every right to give it to someone else. And I'd be inclined to agree. And that's why they're supporting your brother's side.

My advice here is to stop moving home. The next time you're between jobs/between contracts, find somewhere to rent and live there. You take on a whole new appreciation of your parents when you no longer live under their roof, and likewise they appreciate you more because they can finally start treating you like an adult instead of a grown-up child.

Forget about the TV, unless you actually need it. It's only a TV, it's not worth more than your family relationship. If you don't need the TV and you continue to go on about it, then it's you who is damaging the family relationship over nothing.

jenny jinks

You should have just gone and taken back the TV. One of my housemates had a cd player in the house for about three months. One day her cousin turned up and asked for it back. She did it by calling around and asking was Bernie there. She was invited in and Bernie was called. She just chatted to Bernie and then pretended to notice the CD player. She exclaimed "oh so that's where my CD player is, I thought I had lost it. Brilliant. Thanks Bernie for minding it. You're a star". Then she picked it up and was gone in about 2 minutes.