Advice for moving on and bedroom issue??

LegacyUser

Hiya folks,
I'm a long time member/poster here but I'm going anon for fairly obvious reasons;-)
First off a bit of background as to how I've ended up in this situation.
I was widowed about 4 years ago, I lost my best friend and the love of my life and I honestly never thought I'd get a chance at being happy again(Relationship wise at least).

Anyways fast forward to recently and I start seeing this girl who I've known for about 10yrs as a friend.
It started out as a meeting up for dinner/nights out when she was in my town for work and mutual feelings seem to have developed from there :-) Which to be honest about while delighted....left me feeling slightly terrified.

We kinda took it slow but things went well, we didn't see each other very often but when we did it was always good, we really do get on like a house on fire!
We have great chemistry, similar interests and to be honest she is a fantastic girl! :-)
Anyways the 1st time we got to the physical act.....
I had a 'failure to launch' Now I'm a relatively fit and healthy30 y.o who has no problems getting an erection solo.......But it just wouldn't happen for me this time.

She was very understanding about it, but we talked and thought it might be too soon for me and we had the 'lets be friends' talk......which we still are :-)

Anyway this weekend, she was back down in my town for the weekend staying in mine and we went out for dinner and drinks while out we met my sister in law(Who knows the girl) and over the course of the evening my date said that she was' sleeping in my bed tonight because the sand in my guest bed was keeping her awake!'
My S.I.L got kind of snotty and made a remark about it still being her Sister's bed which obviously rankled my date
(And me really....On the one hand because its true....But on the other, how long is it before I'm allowed to try and build some happiness with someone else?)
Anyways that night we got together as a couple again and once again.....

I had erection problems, everything was fine during foreplay.....But when it came to the condom/penetration I just lost it....
I also kind of had something approaching a panic attack....Which kinda freaked me out! My breathing went kinda ragged and I could hear my pulse/heart pounding in my ears....
I personally feel it could be something to do with getting sexual in my house(Kinda like a memory trap....Sparking guilt as if I'm cheating) And to be honest my S.I.Ls earlier remark didn't help me either.....

I really like this girl and I don't want to do anything to hurt her(And I know no matter what my history, she will eventually come to the conclusion that its her) I genuinely want to make her happy and she brings a happiness to me that I've not had in a long while, but I don't want to strike out again... 3strikes and your out and all that jazz ya know

I know its a psychological thing.....But what I don't know is how to deal with it???

LegacyUser

Op
Sorry for your loss.
But if lightening is striking twice for you in life then the timing is right. I would think your SiL is probably regretting what she said though it is understandable in ways.

Not comparing your loss to a divorce but I did suffer the same problems after I found someone I wanted to be with.The first 2 nites I was so fearful we never went beyond foreplay and when the deed was done it started as a cuddle on the couch while watching a movie on a Sunday afternoon when neither of us expected it.

I would advise you to think about getting together outside your home. As you say this in your head and so it would be better to take that first step somewhere else.
Re the 3 strikes. Your Girlfriend has come into this with her eyes wide open and knows your history. Do not let that start to way on your mind.

Good Luck

axel rose

Hi Op,
Firstly I'd advise you to pull your sister in law up on her comments. She was completely out of order. Just because you are ready to get into a relationship with another woman does not mean that you never loved your wife. You dont have to be too dramatic or confrontational about it but let her know that this new relationship is both difficult and wonderful and her comments were hurtful.

Have you ever had bereavement councelling? It may be something you should concider now. I think that Itsright had some good advice. Take it slowly and book a hotel.

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

Hi Folks,
O.P here, thanks for the comments so far. Axel, yes I have had bereavement counselling and to be honest it didn't really help much.
Itsright comments about taking it away from 'Home' are pretty much what I'm thinking myself....But I'm scared that now its happened twice that performance anxiety will kick in and lead to it happening all over again.

As for the comment my S.I.L passed......It was like a kick in the nuts I love my partner deeply and still not a moment passes when she's not on my mind or in my heart.
Its honestly been very hard for me to accept that this girl likes me, and wants to be with me even knowing my situation......
I try to keep an open mind and let it develop, not compare her to my partner because I don't want to compare the two, Its not fair to this girl and nor is it healthy to live in the past......No matter how happy that past was!

When my S.I.L said that it felt as if everything I'd ever felt for my wife was valueless....
It was as if she had taken every good thing I ever felt for her sister and basically dismissed it as 'out of sight, out of mind' Which is probably the most hurt I have ever been in my life....
Can she not see that I'm not trying to bury the past, my love for her sister!
Rather just trying to grab a piece of happiness in the company of a friend?

Truth be told personally I find it very hard to be with someone, but this girl sparks a glimmer of happiness which is hard because it makes me feel like I am disloyal or cheating.....
Then to hear it verbalised by my S.I.L reinforces that thought in my own mind.....

I'm honestly starting to think its better/easier to just stay alone.

LegacyUser

O.P wrote: »

As for the comment my S.I.L passed......It was like a kick in the nuts I love my partner deeply and still not a moment passes when she's not on my mind or in my heart!

Your SIL may just have been upset - it's another reminder that her sister is dead, and that life moves on. It might have been quite a shock to her and she spoke in the heat of the moment, thinking your gf was 'criticising' her sister's things.



Do you really think that your wife would want you to spend the next 40 years alone and lonely and sad? For you to not have a life, a relationship, some happiness? A new partner does not devalue the feelings you had for your wife, or lessen them, or change them in any way.

LegacyUser

anon7890 wrote: »

Your SIL may just have been upset - it's another reminder that her sister is dead, and that life moves on. It might have been quite a shock to her and she spoke in the heat of the moment, thinking your gf was 'criticising' her sister's things.



Do you really think that your wife would want you to spend the next 40 years alone and lonely and sad? For you to not have a life, a relationship, some happiness? A new partner does not devalue the feelings you had for your wife, or lessen them, or change them in any way.

I perfectly understand my S.I.L may have been upset, but the thing is myself and this girl weren't out as Boyfriend and Girlfriend( While I'm coming round to the idea of 'moving on' I want to get my own head round it first before I go public, and with a young child...going public isn't going to happen anytime soon) we were out as friends. The comment was passed in a 'well there's sand in my bed so I'm having yours way' rather than in I'm sharing yours. It wasn't meant to sexually connotated.

As to your second comment, No....She wouldn't want me alone. But thinking about moving forward without her stirs thoughts of closing a chapter, of leaving part of my life behind that is the standard that defines who I am....
My achievements in life were always measured by my wifes smile....The wider the better and vice versa. And if i'm honest with myself....I'm scared of taking that step....I don't if I am or indeed ever will be ready.....But if I don't at least try I may aswell just give up anyway.....
Glorious failure over cowardly avoidance and all that jazz I suppose.

Taltos

OP

lets face it - you have so much going on in your head - either from within or from your SIL that you are placing yourself under tremendous pressure.

I too can understand where your SIL came from - but to be frank she was bang out of order. Very lucky girl that you didn't just tell her to get the hell lost.

I think the idea of taking this out of your home is a great idea.
Maybe treat you both to a weekend away, somewhere quiet where you have no memories from your late wife.
Spend some time together, walks etc - and while I know you might want a drink to help you relax, try to stay away from that too.
Just take is slowly with each other - share a bath or a massage and just see what happens.

I think any of us who really love our partners would desperately want them to find happiness with another should anything happen to us - so try to let go of that guilt - just part of our makeup in this country...

Take your time and remind yourself - it is ok for you to be happy. Actually it is your right.

LegacyUser

O.P wrote: »

But thinking about moving forward without her stirs thoughts of closing a chapter, of leaving part of my life behind that is the standard that defines who I am....

You'll be leaving nothing behind, you'll always take that experience and your love together with you, informing everything you do in the future. We close chapters all the time, but the book would be nothing without the previous chapters, the context and the story they have created.

Best of luck op. Don't give into the 'easier' option (due to quote fail part of my previous comment disappeared). But do take your time and move at the pace you are comfortable with.

Dwn Wth Vwls

You're creating a bit of an event around it all. She's only in town occasionally, it has to be tonight, this is the big moment, penetration is "real" sex, etc.. Why don't you try spending a longer period of time together, where you have more opportunity to get comfortable. Also consider just taking penetration off the table for the moment, and focusing on all the other things you can do.

Removing the pressure will most likely help you relax around her in the bedroom, and after a few times of not being allowed to do it you may find yourself in a different frame of mind.

LegacyUser

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

You're creating a bit of an event around it all. She's only in town occasionally, it has to be tonight, this is the big moment, penetration is "real" sex, etc.. Why don't you try spending a longer period of time together, where you have more opportunity to get comfortable. Also consider just taking penetration off the table for the moment, and focusing on all the other things you can do.

Removing the pressure will most likely help you relax around her in the bedroom, and after a few times of not being allowed to do it you may find yourself in a different frame of mind.

O.P here, Thanks Taltos and Dwnwthvwls for the advice!

Taltos you seem to have to hit the nail on the head really....There is an awful lot swirling around in my head.
I do try to deal with everything as it arises....
But I suppose a male flaw is that I tend to try to reduce my emotional turmoil to basic action and reaction and try to deal with it 'logically'....and while I can see the cause, and see the effect......Nothing I try negates either.

Dwnwthvwls....Thats actually exactly what I'm trying to do, When we do meet up its usually for a couple of days/weekend.
We had been giving the 'friends' thing a try for the last 6/7 months and taking our time(I thought)
As for the more time together....It would be lovely, but realistically I'm a single dad with a child in school and a job and a home 120miles away from her, so I try to focus on enjoying the time we do get to spend together and not just for the possibility of some sexual contact but for the pleasure of her company.

And anon7890 thanks for the advice and kind words....Its appreciated