does long distance work?

LegacyUser

Hi,

As the title suggests, I'm looking for people's opinions and experiences on long distance rels. I met a girl back in Ireland when i was home for a month, really hit it off and spent about 2/3weeks together. I'm back in Germany now, where I have a job and have been living for over a year, and we've been in touch ever since (about 2 months altogether). We're in our late 20's.

It's just starting out, and though I like this girl, I'm hesitant to let it develop - I'm wondering if the best thing for both of us is to make a break now before things get too deep. She's a lovely girl and the first girl I've liked in about 2yrs, if we were in the same country I'd make a go for it for sure, but I can see that in the future I might end up really liking her, and the distance will become an issue. We see each other once a month, but both are tied to our own countries for the next year at least, possibly more. Although she has already suggested she could move after a year- I'm not sure I want that either, and I've grown very fond of where I live and don't want to move back to Ireland.

Are we naive and stupid to pursue this? SHould i look for a girl closer to home?

LegacyUser

If you like this girl then you should consider giving it a shot.

Long Distance relationships do have a high failure rate and a lot of people will not encourage you to pursue it.

I have been in long distance relationship for nearly 2 years now (I live here in Ire and she is continental Europe). It has been tough at times I have to say, but we have both put a lot of effort into this and she is moving to me next year.

If you want to make this work:
---> Have a talk with her to figure how she feels about the long distance. If she is half-hearted about it then it might be an indication it might not work as you have to make sure the both of you are willing to make the effort.
---> Download Skype if you haven't already and get a webcam (if you haven't already) (this is an important one to help shorten the long distance feeling)
---> Be prepared to fork out a few quid (flights can be expensive, but can be cheap if you plan and book early as possible from your intended travel time)
---> Have trust in each other. (I hope you or her are not the easily jealous type!)
---> Eventually one of you will have to move. I think the long distance aspect of the relationship is the first stepping stone before you 2 will be together and have a more 'normal' relationship.

Any specific questions do let me know and i'll do my best to answer.
and Goodluck OP.

LighterGuy

Hi Op
You will always get two opinions on long distance when the subject is mentioned. The best way to fairly describe it that majority of the time it doesnt work. It works for some of course. But the ratio is heavily tipped in the side of it rarely working out. Its just one of those things. Some time it works, most of the time it doesnt.

With going long distance is really does come down to serveral key factors. Alot of which are common sense (eg, how long has the relationship been, how long will it be a LDR, what ages/stages are two people in life etc etc) ...


Which sadly ... I have to bring up an issue here.
You say you only knew her for 3 weeks and have chatted ever since. So you know her 3 months. Basically only 1 third of which have been in physical contact. The sad fact is you didnt have a long relationship with this person. In fact, you didnt have a relationship with this person at all.

So... sorry to be very blunt. Dont expect a long distance to work out here. People can be in a relationship for years and to either grow apart or cheat when in long distance. Due to the fact all you had with this woman was a strong sense of clicking with her? ... This aint going to work out man.

To be even more blunt if you entered a LDR with her, I would expect her to be sleeping around on the side.

If you like her, remain friends. But get a girl close to you. If you return home permanently anytime in the forseeable future then yeah you can give it a shot. Doing anything otherwise and you will just be fooling yourself.

LegacyUser

thanks guys,

lighter- i know it's only been a short time but both of us have been single for a while, have had relationships - i know how rare it is to get that 'click' with someone. she's also come over to visit me one weekend, and i plan to go home in a month to see her for a weekend. I know we didn't have a relationship before going, and its come to that stage where we are talking about what this thing we have is - that's why I'm here looking for advice before we commit to being in a relationship, or walking away.

do you really think someone can't stay faithful - we'll see each other every month. she/I could have had any other guy or girl prior to this but neither of us have been with anyone in a while cos we havent connected with anyone. why would she change and start sleeping around now?

LegacyUser

Hi OP, as a girl in a pretty similar situation, (albeit not being able to see my OH half as regularly!) I'd give you this advice:-

1. Be clear about both of your expectations communications wise (i.e. she might expect to hear from you every day, while you might think less often is perfectly fine). Believe me, this can cause heartbreak and confusion!

2. Have a chat about the challenges you expect, and maybe agree the possibility of a "no fault" break up if it just proves unworkable for one of you at some point in the future. This might set your mind at ease about cheating etc. - effectively agree to break up with no blame on either side if one of you meets someone new etc. (Of course, the presumption is you're not looking for someone new!) If it makes sense to you, I'm not worried about my OH cheating because I know he'd call it a day first if he met someone new, rather than cheat on me behind my back.

3. It would be wrong for you to presume she's sleeping around. She might be, she might not, no one on Boards can tell you. It'd be incredibly insulted if someone told my OH that about me though, and I can think of a few female friends in LDRs who'd be the same!

Personally speaking, being in an LDR is tough, and I don't think people enter into them willy-nilly. They might be a bit naive at the beginning (love conquers all etc.) but cold hard reality hits soon enough! I think you are right to give it a go. Worst case scenario is that it doesn't work out. At least you won't be wondering "What if...?" Also, try to think of it this way, you might only have known each other a few weeks, but if you're in contact every day you are getting to know each other more - maybe better than if you were sitting beside each other at home watching a movie and not chatting very much!

Good luck!!!

LegacyUser

OP here.

Just wondering - has anyone ever wished they could go back in time, if they are in a long distance and break it off at the start? Beclear in particular I'd love to hear your views -do you kind of regret pursuing things?

thanks for all the advice, we've been pretty good at telling each other when we'll be in touch, so far it's been nearly every night but if we can't make it we'll drop a line.

The prob for me is it seems to be me that has the doubts on this - anytime we've brought it up, and it's only been the once for a quick chat, she seems more than willing to do l/d....it's been me that is slightly more hesitant....is that a sign maybe she's being naive? I've had some experience with l/d having kept a relationship going for 6mths abroad, but thing is, we'd been going out a long time at that stage and it wasn't such a big deal. I wonder if she has any idea what she's getting into.

thanks again, any more advice or warnings or comments are appreciated

darad

Not something to be entered into lightly but one thing I will say is if you do it just enjoy it and dont try to sort out the future, itll only wreck your head.

I think the poster who said that the girl will probably be sleeping around has a bit of a cheek. Theres no reason why two people in two different countries cant have a committed relationship at all.

Supercell

OP, long distance can work, but it takes work.

I just married the love of my life last month in China, doesn't get more long distance than that.

It takes work, try to keep it fresh with little surprises, try to call her as often as possible, if there is chemistry distance is not a limitation.

I just got back from China on Saturday evening and it was six months since I saw her before then..it was tough but if the relationship is good then it is bearable, just about - thank God for webcams!
I decided I wanted to die with no regrets as an old fart. And i know if I had taken the easy way out and not put the extra effort that a LDR takes then I would have forever been wondering "what if".

She will be living here with me shortly and I'll be the happiest guy in Ireland then, no regrets.

If your long distance partner seems to be special then don't deny yourself the opportunity to find happiness because it is a little harder than a regular relationship at first.

Sauve

OP -
Just don't have any regrets in the future.
We generally regret things we didn't do more than the things we did...

My now fiance went to Scotland to go to college for a year about three years into our relationship. Although we were both adament that we'd make it work before we went it was still pretty tough. There were plenty of spontaneous sickies taken from work that year just so I could go over to him for a long weekend.
But I think the planning was the key - we booked loads of flights in advance and make sure that the most time we spent apart was six weeks and used to text and phone all the time.
Six months in I'd had enough and ditched my job to go over to him. But that's my experience - I know it doesn't work for everyone...

LegacyUser

supercell - how long were you going out with her before she moved to China or was it always long distance? this is where I get nervous - we didn't have a 'relationship' before I moved here, more just a connection over 3 weeks...I'm cautious to try and build on that is it too shaky ground for a good relationship to develop? Is it really a relationship if conducted over the net - it's so much easier to say things to someone on gchat that u wouldn't in real life, i'm anxious that there won't be a true relationship face to face when we do meet up.
lighterguy had a point - i only knew her 3 weeks, out of 2 months of a relationship only 3 weeks was face to face real...

also, is it likely that she is happy to do l/d cos maybe she prefers difficult relationships? in the past the ppl she's gotten with have been unavailable to some degree - married, friend of the ex - is that why I'm an attractive offer?

I guess I'm really nervous cos this is the first relationship prospect, the first girl I liked enough to want to go out with after I split from my ex. The split was horrible, lasted a year - we were our first loves, went out for many years. I don't want to get hurt again, I know it's inevitable, that it's part of taking the risk, but if I dont want to walk into an obvious 'this will end in tears' situation.

LegacyUser

guest2 wrote: »

OP here.

Just wondering - has anyone ever wished they could go back in time, if they are in a long distance and break it off at the start? Beclear in particular I'd love to hear your views -do you kind of regret pursuing things?

Hi OP,

No, I don't regret it...and I guess, no more than you, I hope I never do! Having said that, maybe I'm more like your OH, I was strongly in favour of giving it a go from the start, and since we're still together I've no reason to regret the decision. It's early days though, and there have been days when I've found it particularly difficult -> not so much that I'd end it though! I guess I've the view that the potential advantages of it working out (i.e. being "together together" in the long term with a wonderful guy) outweigh the risks of heartbreak and the *relatively* temporary current loneliness. I hope I'm not wrong!

Your question is equally applicable to "normal" relationships though -> apart from those relationships/breakups that "make you a better person" etc., after a relationship has ended, I think many people would honestly say they wish they'd called it a day at the beginning (or never set eyes on their ex!). Every relationship involves risk. I get the impression you'd be happy to take this risk if you were both living in Ireland? Maybe try to set the physical distance to one side - try imagining how you would proceed if you both lived in Ireland but because of (very understandable) work/family reasons you could only meet once a month?

One other thing I'd say, is that if you make the decision to *commit* to an LDR, make sure your OH knows that - otherwise, going on what you've said, she might think you're keeping your options open, and then she might decide to keep her options open, and then you might twig this and decide to *actually* keep your options open, and then a demise of sorts is fairly inevitable...

<Takes off hopeful/romantic hat> At least if it doesn't work out, you won't be bumping into her on the street or down the local! <Puts hopeful/romantic hat back on very quickly!>

Supercell

guest2 wrote: »

supercell - how long were you going out with her before she moved to China or was it always long distance? this is where I get nervous - we didn't have a 'relationship' before I moved here, more just a connection over 3 weeks...I'm cautious to try and build on that is it too shaky ground for a good relationship to develop? Is it really a relationship if conducted over the net - it's so much easier to say things to someone on gchat that u wouldn't in real life, i'm anxious that there won't be a true relationship face to face when we do meet up.
lighterguy had a point - i only knew her 3 weeks, out of 2 months of a relationship only 3 weeks was face to face real...

Always long distance.
I was introduced to her by a friend in China and we initially chatted on msn for a while and then I went there to meet her and the chemistry was good and the rest is history

These days there are super cheap sim cards to call just about anywhere - a tesco prepay sim costs me2c a minute to call China for example. I call her during my lunch break every day . On my days off work we webcam for a few hours.
We send each other email, letters, little things. I found a sms service that sends texts to Chinese mobiles for about 1c on the internet so I send her a little message every evening so that when she wakes up she has a nice message to read from me on her phone.

As to the connection to build a relationship on, our relations started with no connection! In fact when i first went to meet her it was all very awkward until we went to see a movie and during the scary bits she jumped and i held her hand and the ice was broken

OP, stop over thinking this, life is too short, dont deny yourself the opportunity. give it a go, if it doesnt work out so be it, you tried your best so no regrets.
If I had given up , and i did think about it several times at the start, i wouldnt be a happily married man now with huge hope and happiness about our non LDR future together now!

LegacyUser

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. There's no straightforward answer. It depends on what sort of personality you both have; if you are both independent enough to get on with your lives during the time you're not together, it will work. If you find yourself wanting to be with the person more and more, it's very very very very hard not being able to hug them, or kiss them, or decide to do something spontaneously. But I'm a romantic at heart, and I say if you meet someone you really click with, it doesn't happen that often, and I'd be inclined to at least give it a try.

By the way, her talking about moving over to Germany in a year, after only 3 months together? Sounds like she's fallen for you already...