Girlfriend behaving rather badly

LegacyUser

Hi. So the 34 year old girl I've been seeing lately went and did something stupid last saturday night. We've known each other about a year and a half, and have been romantic properly since july, but had been living on different sides of the world up until recently, now we live about 2 hours from each other but I'll be living in her city in a few months. Anyway - she was staying with me last weekend, and my mate came over and his friend, we all got wasted, were doing coke (bad i know), went out into town, more booze, etc etc.
So when we got back, we were going to bed and she went into the other room, I followed her a minute later and she was leaning over the bed, kissing the guy my friend brought over.
So my heart stopped etc and I asked her wtf she was doing, then she freaks out, saying she didnt know what she was doing, she was confused, it was all a total blur, we were both out of it, everyone was. She said that guy told her in the bar he thought she was more attractive than his girlfriend, and that in her drunken state she was flattered by this. Silly carry on for adults, I know. Anyway next day she was crying all day, saying how much she was into me, how she wanted a future with me, that she didnt know what the hell happened the night before, that she never did anything like that before etc. And we ended up having a nice day and lots of sex etc and she went home the day after that.

So I'm not actually THAT freaked out by the whole thing, apart from the fact that it was in my flat and I was right there, her only real excuse is that she was off her face and didn't really know what she was doing.
Should I be really mad at her? I am a bit, and worried she might cheat on me etc, but she has really been almost begging me not to break up with her and to come and see her on friday, I'm supposed to be staying with her for a week or so.

How would you feel about this? She's out tonight, and yeah it doesn't rest easy with me now, now I think anytime she gets drunk or goes out or whatever she's liable to hook up with someone else.

So how should I treat it? I really really like her, I think I even love her, and she's all I ever think about, more than anyone for a long long time. Would you be able to trust someone like this or should I get shot of her? It really sucks, everything was going so well, now I'm anxious all the time .

RandyMann

Get rid of the coke out of your life and hers if she can. Give it a while drug free and see how she is in social situations.
You cant make an informed decision about her persona and her mistake when she is under the influence of coke.
Coke is bad and no good will come out of it regarding your relationship or your paranoia.

tenchi-fan

Either dump the coke or dump your girlfriend because they're not compatible.
there's a good chance the booze had the effect. if so, you will seriously need to consider whether you should hav her as a girlfriend.

Stephanos

If one good thing comes out of this it's that you know you have strong feelings for your girlfriend.

Yes, you can choose to be angry with her, but as previous posters said, she wasn't exactly in a sound state of mind when she kissed that guy. And from your description she was genuinely remorseful for her actions.

Decide if you want to give her another chance or not. Kick the coke and avoid a similar situation arising again.

magneticimpulse

You were both wasted...prob at a comparable level... but you still knew what she was doing was bad despite being in that state, so its no excuse for her to do that. If you had not gone into the bedroom she would have slept with the guy.

Dump coke and dump your girlfriend and the "friend" of a friend

LegacyUser

magneticimpulse wrote: »

You were both wasted...prob at a comparable level... but you still knew what she was doing was bad despite being in that state, so its no excuse for her to do that. If you had not gone into the bedroom she would have slept with the guy.

Dump coke and dump your girlfriend and the "friend" of a friend

yikes, that's not what I want to hear! Well, I don't think she would have slept with him, considering that she knew i was in the other room awake. Plus she claims she wouldn't have done it in a million years. The only excuse she could give is that it was some kind of ego thing and that she was off her face. I'm no angel myself and I've done stupid things while going out with girls I was supposed to be mad about.

Anyway she says she understands that I would obviously have major trust issues with her now, but that she'll prove herself to me and that i'll regain my trust for her. I don't even trust myself, I'm just hoping she's not as bad as I have been in the past.
It makes me feel sick though, thinking of that horrible scene when I walked in, so I dont know how long it will take to go away. The friends I have spoken to about it have all said to let it slide this time and get on with it, she seems genuinely outraged with herself.
I don't want her out of my life right now. I just hope I'm not teeing up a disaster is all.

As for the friend of friend - he apologised sincerely for the stuff he said to her, but i dont even think he's aware of the kissing incident, I'm pretty sure he was half passed out, she said they didnt even kiss properly. He was even more wasted than her. But who am I to believe ffs!

CDfm

OOPS OP rewrite .......and then we all got mad drunk and got back to my place. To keep partying I got the coke out. Weeeeeeeeeee.

What could possibly go wrong :rolleyes:

Don't be such an ass, of course things are a bit of a blur for her -loads od booze and coke do that. The reason for doing coke is to party longer and someone not used to it would be a zombie. Even those used to it get up to no good.

You are definately the one ar fault here. I assume you are around 34 too -so maybe you should be looking at your own consumption and behavior a bit closer too. Just a thought.

Lifestyle change needed if you bith want the relationship to work.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

OOPS OP rewrite .......and then we all got mad drunk and got back to my place. To keep partying I got the coke out. Weeeeeeeeeee.

What could possibly go wrong :rolleyes:

Don't be such an ass, of course things are a bit of a blur for her -loads od booze and coke do that. The reason for doing coke is to party longer and someone not used to it would be a zombie. Even those used to it get up to no good.

You are definately the one ar fault here. I assume you are around 34 too -so maybe you should be looking at your own consumption and behavior a bit closer too. Just a thought.

Lifestyle change needed if you bith want the relationship to work.

I didnt have the coke, and the coke was done before we went into town, so it was about 5 hours after the last line that the unpleasantness happened! How am I an ass here?
I'm 30. Oh she was out last night and texted me around 1am and i asked and yes she had done a little coke last night too. So I was freaked out again, wondering what she was up to. Am I allowed to be??

CDfm

carryonregardless wrote: »

I didnt have the coke, and the coke was done before we went into town, so it was about 5 hours after the last line that the unpleasantness happened! How am I an ass here?

Sorry -I misunderstood. If a person does coke they are doing it to keep going.

Do you normally party hard and/or does she.

I'm 30. Oh she was out last night and texted me around 1am and i asked and yes she had done a little coke last night too. So I was freaked out again, wondering what she was up to. Am I allowed to be??

Yes you are allowed to wonder.

Normal people dont need coke or need to use it daily or everytime they are out. Does she ? Whats unsettling you is the coke -so it is reasonable for you to say that it freaks you out and what your feelings are about it and her.

Its a tough conversation to have but probably the correct one. Then if there is a problem deal with it but dont torture yourself. I would be saying no more coke.

LegacyUser

carryonregardless wrote: »

The friends I have spoken to about it have all said to let it slide this time and get on with it, she seems genuinely outraged with herself.
I don't want her out of my life right now. I just hope I'm not teeing up a disaster is all.

Trust your friends' advice. You are mad about the girl, she made a mistake. The fact that she said that it was partly down to ego shows that she's truly remorseful. She understands that she had a role to play in it. If she had completely blamed the other guy/coke/drink/anything else at all, that would set alarm bells ringing.

Give her a chance to prove herself. Cut out the coke and drinking, because it doesn't seem to suit your relationship. It's going to be shaky for a while, but honesty is a huge cornerstone of any relationship, and your girlfriend has shown some honesty by admitting that her ego led her to kiss this man.

Distorted

carryonregardless wrote: »

I didnt have the coke, and the coke was done before we went into town, so it was about 5 hours after the last line that the unpleasantness happened! How am I an ass here?

By using hard drugs?

OP - you are living the sort of life, in that coke has become part of it, that makes this sort of behaviour happen. Your choice. Take responsibility for it. Remove the coke from your life (entirely) and remove the people doing coke from your life too. Either by them giving up or by ditching them. Problem solved.

Its obvious from your comments that your boundaries of whats acceptable are becoming blurred, and it sounds like your girlfriend is further down that same path than you. Same path nonetheless. If you don't realise what coke does to your life then you are going to have a big wake up call one day. Hopefully.

LegacyUser

just to say, neither of us use drugs very often, I hadn't taken anything in years until that night, and she doesn't go out anywhere near as much as i do. She called me like 3 times last night during the night but I told her it was ridiculous that she doesn't need to be checking in with my like that. I guess I'm just a bit freaked out and it's made me feel bad that she wanted someone else that night, if she even did, but I'll just have to get on with it and give her another chance.

Fittle

In post 8, you said you didn't do the coke that night.

In post 12, it's a different story.

If you're lying on an internet forum, when your identity is anonymous, makes me wonder who you're lying to in reality.

My guess is it's yourself....about the drug problem, and about the fact that you won't have trust issues with the gf.

Just my two cents.

LegacyUser

Fittle wrote: »

In post 8, you said you didn't do the coke that night.

In post 12, it's a different story.

If you're lying on an internet forum, when your identity is anonymous, makes me wonder who you're lying to in reality.

My guess is it's yourself....about the drug problem, and about the fact that you won't have trust issues with the gf.

Just my two cents.

In post 8 I did not say i didn't do any coke

liah

Was it just coke and booze?

'Cuz, no offense, but I've done coke, and you certainly aren't completely oblivious to what you're doing as a side effect. Mostly you just get high-strung, but you know what you're doing.

Booze would be the more likely culprit and I actually hate the "well I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" excuse. When drinking is such a common activity, it hardly works as an excuse anymore or else people would cheat and use drunkenness as the excuse each and every weekend. You have to draw the line somewhere.

If you genuinely believe it wasn't her intention and that she is genuinely guilty and upset over her actions, then forgive her. If there's even a hint of doubt that she's just trying to get out of the repercussions by crying in hopes for pity, well, I'd imagine you'd know what to do then.

Personally I'd be pretty harsh as I'm from the school of thought that if you choose to do an amount of drugs that leaves you incapable of making your own decisions, and you fvck up, it's on you, and I've tried drugs and I know the general effects-- the majority of the time, they know full well what they're doing, and also know full well they can default to using the drug as a scapegoat.

Make sure you know what she's playing at. It's not a good sign from any angle if you ask me.

LegacyUser

liah wrote: »

Was it just coke and booze?

'Cuz, no offense, but I've done coke, and you certainly aren't completely oblivious to what you're doing as a side effect. Mostly you just get high-strung, but you know what you're doing.

Booze would be the more likely culprit and I actually hate the "well I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" excuse. When drinking is such a common activity, it hardly works as an excuse anymore or else people would cheat and use drunkenness as the excuse each and every weekend. You have to draw the line somewhere.

If you genuinely believe it wasn't her intention and that she is genuinely guilty and upset over her actions, then forgive her. If there's even a hint of doubt that she's just trying to get out of the repercussions by crying in hopes for pity, well, I'd imagine you'd know what to do then.

Personally I'd be pretty harsh as I'm from the school of thought that if you choose to do an amount of drugs that leaves you incapable of making your own decisions, and you fvck up, it's on you, and I've tried drugs and I know the general effects-- the majority of the time, they know full well what they're doing, and also know full well they can default to using the drug as a scapegoat.

Make sure you know what she's playing at. It's not a good sign from any angle if you ask me.

Yeah I know, coke usually makes me a lot more aware of what I'm doing than booze would. So it's not even an excuse really, but I'm pretty sure it was cut with meph which is nasty stuff. Anyway booze is probably more likely the culprit.
So I genuinely believe she's absolutely gutted about it, and we've talked about it a lot and she's very upset with herself that she's hurt me etc. I just have this horrible feeling in my stomach and it wont go away. She was behaving like a 15 year old.
I don't see why she would be crying and freaking out etc. if she didn't care. I told her during the week that I wasn't coming to see her next week and she was crying and unable to work etc etc. She seems pretty cut up is all I'm saying.
I suppose what goes around comes around, I've cheated on people in the past etc, but I'm tired of this nonsense and just want a normal relationship with her.

pollypocket10

Alls I can say is if you want to live the partying lifestyle then you have to take the good with the. When large amounts of drink & drugs are involved then **** happens.

I don't know what age you are, but your gf is mid thirties so maybe it's time to start re-prioritizing. Or maybe not, but this is just one of those things that goes along with that lifestyle

CDfm

OP I hope you dont mind me saying this but you don't seem to be saying much about your lifestyle. What you did say was there was an incident and that your g/f cant party as much as you can and keep control.

My experience of cocaine is a bit different and I imagine you are having difficulty with the concept that the booze and drugs have contributed to it.

LighterGuy

break the hell up with her!!!!!
using coke is exactly like using alcohol as an excuse. ... "oh i was so drunk i didnt know what i was doing" - ah come on op. Dont be a fool.



I will always remember what my dad said. It was crude but it was so true:

"some blokes even go gay when they are drunk" - He was right. i've shockingly seen it. Now, you honestly think you'd turn around and say "oh bob aint gay, he was just that wasted! thats why he was kissing that guy" :rolleyes:

I rest my case :P

CDfm

LighterGuy wrote: »

I will always remember what my dad said. It was crude but it was so true:

"some blokes even go gay when they are drunk" - He was right. i've shockingly seen it. Now, you honestly think you'd turn around and say "oh bob aint gay, he was just that wasted! thats why he was kissing that guy" :rolleyes:

I rest my case :P

+1 so true :pac:

But for the OP he should be careful that he hasn't dragged her in to his vices. I once read a biography of Lucian Freud , the artist grandson of Sigmund Freud, who was dating & painting a portrait of a Guinness heiress only to get given out to by her granny for giving her whisky.

So OP is she your girlfriend or drinking buddy ??

LegacyUser

OP, your girlfriend was drugged, no she wasn't wasted or out of it, she was high on coke and alcohol, her hormones were racing, she was feeling very sexual having had all that attention given to her in the pub and unfortunately the coke and alcohol made her horny! It's as simple as that.....if you hadn't mixed both this would never have happened.
Would it happen again, hell yes if she was high as a kite, but so would the Pope himself being honest. Keep away from the coke or you can kiss goodbye to the relationship.
Your girlfriend probably loves you to bits but that combination of narcotics and alcohol made her forget you, herself and the world around her as she lost her inhibitions and could literally have slept with or kissed anyone!

magneticimpulse

Honestly, this situation just sounds like a spiral into a recipe for disaster, titanic heading for ice berg.

I honestly cant believe that you are 30 and your gf is 34...its sounds like maybe the lifestyle 18 - 22 yr olds who are curious and want a different experience, have it and then they cop on and grow up.

If your fine with being walked all over by this girl, fine. If thats the type of role you like in life and you dont think you deserve any better. If I was you, id cop on, stop doing coke, stop partying so hard (still go out for a beer or 2 )...your just making excuses and justifying your whole lifestyle, her lifestyle...honestly its not going to work out like this.

You can still date her, but doesnt look like she would give up coke, who knows. You can want to be a better person in life, you can be with a person who makes you want to be a better person...but if your willing to let you life go straight into a spiral on a crash course collision, it will be more difficult to turn back from it.

At least keep some dignity, be more mature, you can still party and have fun without drugs...drugs f*ck up people...thats why they are banned and illegal. they also cost alot and your wasting money on nights you barely remember and nights where your girlfriend gets so horny shes willing to snog the face of anybody even in front of you???

You can take the advice, or you can continue having these doubts and crazy f*cked up messy weekends.

Smallbit

OP, you seem to be in denial. You want the girl, you want the lifestyle, but don't want the consequences. Here's where you decide whether or not you're going to grow up.

Keeping things simple here, coke is bad. That's not an opinion, it's a fact. Booze is also bad unless it's taken in moderation. Combine the two and unpredictability results. I'm qualified to give this advice - I work in addiction services.

So, you either make a choice or deal with the consequences. By the way the typical profile for a coke user that ends up at my door is: Aged 30-35, lower middle class, usually in debt, and/or newly unemployed due to increasingly unpredictable behaviours, occasionally involved in fraud and/or prostitution to fund continuing habit.

You may think you have everything under control, but keep going and your girlfriend's promiscuity will end up being last on the list of your problems.

Wonkagirl

LighterGuy wrote: »

break the hell up with her!!!!!
using coke is exactly like using alcohol as an excuse. ... "oh i was so drunk i didnt know what i was doing" - ah come on op. Dont be a fool.

Agreed- also, i have to be honest, any time i've taken coke i've always felt VERY in control.. way more so in control than if i'm drunk infact.

THis whole ''i was out of my mind on coke' crap is a complete misnomer in my experience

Emme

carryonregardless wrote: »

Anyway - she was staying with me last weekend, and my mate came over and his friend, we all got wasted, were doing coke (bad i know), went out into town, more booze, etc etc.

Who was doing coke? Coke + alcohol = disaster.

CDfm

Wonkagirl wrote: »

Agreed- also, i have to be honest, any time i've taken coke i've always felt VERY in control.. way more so in control than if i'm drunk infact.

THis whole ''i was out of my mind on coke' crap is a complete misnomer in my experience

It affects people differently and if you have been drinking heavily coke can wake you up and make you alert. It does not make you any less drunk but is a stimulant and gives a feeling of energy and heightened awareness , including being a sexual stimulant.

It is a mood altering substance and wont affect everyone the same.

So with this in mind maybe the OP should be nervous about what affect the combination of alcohol and cocaine has on his girlfriends inhibitions with other guys.


This seems central to the OP's question and you are not the OP's girlfriend and your experience may be different.

LegacyUser

just an update for y'all. Well i stayed with her eventually for 4 nights last week, and she surprised me on thursday by saying she's coming yesterday, and now we're getting on fine.
I really think it was just a series of stupid events and I'm not going to hold it against her anymore. I think it was a blip in her character, she says she's never done anything like this in the past and I've done far worse in the past with different girlfriends, I just never got caught! New man now though.
A lot of you seem to think it's a really bad sign and that she's not worth it but I think otherwise and I think we're something special. Believe me I'm the most cynical person in the world when it comes to this stuff but I think she's genuine. Anyway thanks for all your help folks, was nice to let it out somewhere.