starting from zero again

LegacyUser

hello,

I don't really know where to start i have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years but the past 3 or 4 months I realised that I am not suited for him. I love him as a person but i am not in love with him. I find it hard to break up with him althought i know i need to be honest to myself and to him.
Everytime i try to break up with him I get in to a deep depression because he is the only one that cares about me and the only one i have here and if i lose him then i don't know how what how i will be. Im 29 and don't have much of a family and I don't know any people here i have one good friend here althought im living in dublin for 2 years now. I started college a few weeks ago.
Most of the people in the class are all doing the life thing, have children and or their extended family and some sort of home. I live in a little bedsit well it could be worse but i am worried when i break up with my boyfriend something bad will happen to me. I suffer from depression at times, well i know alot people do but giving my circumstances and the situation i will be in when i break up with my boyfriend, my depression worsening. I will have to do what is right and accept it and accept the loniness of my situation. There are lot more people far worse of than me. I will just have to start again on my own

kjl

Where are you from originally?

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

Where are you from originally?

<snip> What does it matter where im from tho. I don't think there are many people that can relate to what i have writen maybe very few that can relate

Ickle Magoo

Please don't ask posters to divulge specific information, especially anything that could identify them.

Many thanks

Ickle.

the gob

you say you suffer from depression sometimes

maybe this is why your feeling this way about your boyfriend

get medical help for your depression and maybe the rest will fall into place

Stephanos

Hi tealeafs

The first thing to ask yourself is why you've been having these feelings that your boyfriend is not suited to you. What is the basis for these thoughts and are they significant enough for you that you don't want to be with him anymore?

You describe how you fear you might lose him, yet it's kind of hard to see if that is out of genuine affection for him or dependence on him. Dependence is no reason to stay with anyone. A break up is tough no matter the situation, but you always feel better in the long-term. Hard decisions often give the best results.

I understand your concerns for your depression. It's not easy. As The Gob said, you can talk to a medical professional if you fear this might worsen. Also, you mentioned you are in college. There might be a counsellor you can chat to, should you feel a little down. College is also great for getting to know people. This is an ample time for you to expand your social network.

My advice is to take stock of your current situation, take some time to settle into college and allow yourself adapt to the change. Then, look on your situation with your boyfriend and ask yourself how you feel.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, I completely relate to your story, Im on my own from the age of 17, had an abusive childhood and have no family since, i got with my BF when i was 18 and i had so many times where i was on the verge of splitting and if i did i was exactly like you, wondering if something would happen to me, where would i end up! I felt like such a stray dog at times, i came from a poor backround and life just seemed so depressing, i was depressed as well, i also got into college and that really saved me.

Anyway what if you just accepted for now how you feel about your BF, what if you give college a chance to get going and try not to worry about the BF for 2 weeks, like its ok to try and digest all this first before you pack your bags and find yourself on the street, like can you lean on college a bit stay there late get to meet a few people and come home late, sleep on the couch, give yourself some space to think,

If you are 100% then that he is not right for you, then make a plan where you have time to make a change, this could take 6 months of having to live with your BF while you find something...

I also just want to say that i am still with my BF! every time i left we ended up talking and we resolved things and got back, i had a lot of fears and baggage and trust issues, i went to therapy and healed a lot from my past, he also went and healed from his past too and we were both able to come together, colleges offer free counseling etc, would it be worth setting yourself up with someone so you can get support about what to do next? Is your BF just not worth fighting for or is it worth you exploring it with a therapist incase your sabotaging your own happiness, as i said if you know in your heart of hearts that he is not worth it then you just need a plan to work your way out of there, college may be the place to find a place to stay with another student, i found it a massive support, i was able to claim rent allowance as i was a mature student so actually going to college really helped me get on my feet.

Anyway let us know what you decide to do, all the best! XOXO

LegacyUser

Snookii wrote: »

Hey OP, I completely relate to your story, Im on my own from the age of 17, had an abusive childhood and have no family since, i got with my BF when i was 18 and i had so many times where i was on the verge of splitting and if i did i was exactly like you, wondering if something would happen to me, where would i end up! I felt like such a stray dog at times, i came from a poor backround and life just seemed so depressing, i was depressed as well, i also got into college and that really saved me.

Anyway what if you just accepted for now how you feel about your BF, what if you give college a chance to get going and try not to worry about the BF for 2 weeks, like its ok to try and digest all this first before you pack your bags and find yourself on the street, like can you lean on college a bit stay there late get to meet a few people and come home late, sleep on the couch, give yourself some space to think,

If you are 100% then that he is not right for you, then make a plan where you have time to make a change, this could take 6 months of having to live with your BF while you find something...

I also just want to say that i am still with my BF! every time i left we ended up talking and we resolved things and got back, i had a lot of fears and baggage and trust issues, i went to therapy and healed a lot from my past, he also went and healed from his past too and we were both able to come together, colleges offer free counseling etc, would it be worth setting yourself up with someone so you can get support about what to do next? Is your BF just not worth fighting for or is it worth you exploring it with a therapist incase your sabotaging your own happiness, as i said if you know in your heart of hearts that he is not worth it then you just need a plan to work your way out of there, college may be the place to find a place to stay with another student, i found it a massive support, i was able to claim rent allowance as i was a mature student so actually going to college really helped me get on my feet.

Anyway let us know what you decide to do, all the best! XOXO

Thank you for writing and the advice and thanks for all the other replies. Well i think i will keep the relationship going with my boyfriend as long as I can because he is all i have and the only person that is there for me I know i couldn't cope without a personal relationship/personal interaction with a human at all in my life i have one good friend but he has his own life. Well me and my boyfriend don't live together.

Wibbs

OK but is that not avoiding the issue a little too? Do you both not deserve to find fulfilling relationships? What will you do next? Stay in this relationship, because as you say you need a relationship, then if you meet someone else who does float your boat, dump the current guy? That would be deeply unfair to him. He would have wasted his efforts with someone he loved and thought loved him and be "back to zero" himself. If you do this IMHO you are effectively using him. Or howabout leave this man now and let him find someone who returns his presumed feelings. What about trying to revive the feelings in this current relationship? That would be a better plan IMHO.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

OK but is that not avoiding the issue a little too? Do you both not deserve to find fulfilling relationships? What will you do next? Stay in this relationship, because as you say you need a relationship, then if you meet someone else who does float your boat, dump the current guy? That would be deeply unfair to him. He would have wasted his efforts with someone he loved and thought loved him and be "back to zero" himself. If you do this IMHO you are effectively using him. Or howabout leave this man now and let him find someone who returns his presumed feelings. What about trying to revive the feelings in this current relationship? That would be a better plan IMHO.

I didnt say i need a relationship as in the general meaning of what relationships are i said i need a personal relationship or interaction some one because i have no one at all. I can't be an island. I am going to stay with him and hopefully want children with him in the future because I couldn't bear the loniness and isolation and i will probably be alone for the rest of my life. Im not looking for another man i couldn't hurt him. I love him as a person but im not in love with him I would be happy if he found someone else i said that to him but he said he wants to be with me. There are alot of middle aged women out there that are single and didn't get to meet the right person and have children, that would be sad for me. This is ireland, its very hard to met some one, not much of a selection at all because the population is very small.

LegacyUser

i don't know how people get over this unless they can be an island and block the feeling of needing people because that would be the only way to get by and not let the loniness and isolation take you over.

Wibbs

I take your point, but for me anyway, a close approximation of emotional purgatory would if I was with someone I wasnt in love with and hell would be if I found out they were with me not because they were in love with me, but because they didnt want to be alone.

Moomoo1

Wibbs wrote: »

and hell would be if I found out they were with me not because they were in love with me, but because they didnt want to be alone.

as long as he knows exactly what the deal is though, and it's his choice to continue living with her it seems sort of ok to me