Unhappily married

LegacyUser

Meeting my husband, I was swept off my feet, I believed he was my happy ever after (I was disappointed in love before and I had lived through horrific childhood abuse). I believed his promises to me and his dreams for us.
Now I realise how naive I was. But I feel trapped.
I am financially interdependant (because of negative equity and bank loans) on my husband and father of my child.
He tells me regularly how useless I am, how ugly I am, that I am worthless. I work full time and study part time and keep the house in perfect condition but it is never enough. Everything has to centre around him. Lately he has been arrested for being drunk & disorderly and to my shame I got him released and got a taxi to pick him up and drive him home even though he had thrashed the house before he went out. My 2 year old saw him trying to choke me and I nearly passed out. Later he drove drunk to Cork to his mothers house. She supports everything he does and gives me responsibility by saying I must have provoked him.
He is a nasty drunk but he is as nasty sober.
The reason I am studying again is to be able to provide for my child alone without him.
I dream he will have a car crash and die and then me and my child can be happy.
I do not trust what he could do if I kicked him out, I would not be surprised if he planned to murder me.
I am alone, I am often scared of him but I worry too about when our child is older and does not obey him. how will he treat our child? I hope that I can hang on.... just for a little while...
I am no longer me. He has changed me. Can I make it through another 2 years?

neuro-praxis

Women's Aid National Freephone Helpline: 1800 341 900

Give them a ring, explain your situation and take their advice. You don't deserve this, you need to get out NOW (not in two years), and there are ways you can make this happen, even though it seems now like you are trapped.

astra2000

op you need to get out now. Stop worring about bank loans none of this matters. You and your daughter are not safe there. Get help from where ever you can and report his attack on you to the gardai. This is truly frightening you are afraid he may murder you, you need to get a restraining order. Leave now before you or your daughter end up seriously injured.
I wish you all the best op and I hope things work out for you please believe in your self you can make a new and better life for you and your child.

the gob

op you are not "unhappily married" you are in serious danger

you must get you and your child away from this maniac quickly

you say he choked you until you nearly passed out- what if next time he
does it to your child?

go to the gardai and womens aid

this man will only get worse

up for anything

I've been there. <EDIT> Get out and get out quick. You can still continue with your studies. It's not all sweetness and light on the other side, far from it but the feeling of freedom from being scared is worth anything. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Think about contacting these people. They are wonderful and life-savers.

Safe Ireland

CDfm

OP - no one should accept domestic violence -either man or woman - get on to a help group and tell your hubby (if you want to stay with him) to smarten up sharpish.

And, he has a drink problem from what you say -so if you do talk and talk to his mother that should be on the agenda.

Distorted

For goodness sake OP, just leave. See a solicitor tomorrow, get legal advice, get your finances sorted out and retake some control over your own life and that of your child. Its not the 1820's where women don't have any options. You will most likely be entitled to maintenance and a share in the proceeds of the family home. You can rent another place. If he puts you in fear of your safety, go to the gards and again see a solicitor asap. Your current situation is only going to get worse, so the sooner you act the better.

btw his this man and his mother sound absolutely ghastly.

LegacyUser

Many thanks for all the replies.
1) I have already spoken to Womens Aid. They don't give any practical help.
2) I have been for counselling, I used to blame myself... I have already come a long way
3) I have no one. I have no support. I have to get on with it.
4) I have gone back to college so that I can provide for my child on my own. I don't want hand outs
5) No one can understand what it is like living with such an unpredictable bully unless they've experienced it. You change, you try to keep the peace so they won't attack. It is sad but it is hopefully not forever.
6) No one has ever helped me with anything in my past and I don't expect anyone to come riding in to save the day. I know it is down to me.

Nothing has helped. I will have to wait 2 years. Please dont judge others you never know what they have to endure behind closed doors.

up for anything

Take it in baby steps, OP.

Sometimes people giving well meaning and fervent advice do not realise the circumstances you are trapped in and saying to you, get out quickly/now/immediately really isn't helpful and just makes your situation more complicated and you feel more helpless. I'm guilty of it, and I've been there and know the weight of anxiety and fear, which only is only being added to by this advice, and which weighs you down even more and makes you feel more unable to take action which then makes you feel more useless and less in control. It's a vicious circle.

Start with a phone call. The people at Safe Ireland and Women's Aid will not force you into anything or make you feel bad about yourself for not taking action in the past, present or future. What I found was that when I put into words what I was going through to them, I was shocked to have them accept what I was saying and that when I told them that there were nights where I would text a friend and tell them that if I was found dead in the morning not to let him get away with it that they understood. That sort of constant anxiety had become normal to me and in order to live with it, I had belittled it in my mind and made it ordinary to myself and others. Their acceptance of it as a reality and the fact that they didn't say things like, really, are you sure you haven't exaggerated it in your mind, or how come things look so normal in your house, brought home to me how wrong it was that I was living like that.

They will help you make a safety plan. I'll quote it here because I know the mind paralysis that can grab you when faced with clicking on a link which you may feel is going to force you to take some action but by reading it here you will see that making a safety plan is not going to come to his attention or place you in danger.

Step One:

Think about:

Where you can go to make a telephone call;
A safe place where you can stay in an emergency. This may be with a friend or relative, a woman’s refuge, a hotel or a B&B.
The telephone number of the safe place;
How to get to the safe place. Decide how you will get there at different times of the day and night;
The number of a local taxi firm;
What to tell the children, and how to tell it to them, when you need to put the Safety Plan into action.
The Woman’s Aid FREE National Helpline is 1800 341900.

Step Two:

Write down:

Important phone numbers
Your PRSI/PPS or Claim Number
Your family’s essential medicines
Your Child Benefit Book Number
Useful Phone Numbers:

Taxi: Health Centre (CWO):
Doctor: Social Welfare Office:
Garda Station: Housing Department:
Law Centre/Solicitor: Women’s Refuge/ Support Service:
District Court: Rape Crisis Centre:

Step Three:

Collect together the following items. Hide them somewhere you can get to them in a hurry.

Enough money to get to a safe place by bus or taxi;
An extra set of keys for your home;
An extra set of keys for your car;
Extra clothes for you and your children.
It may be a good idea to put them in a bag and store it with a friend.

Step Four:

Think about where you can find the following items in a hurry. Have a bag ready.

School uniforms and some of your children’s things;
Essential medicines;
The health board and social welfare require personal identification and evidence to assess your entitlement, e.g.:

Any court orders
Claim’s book
Marriage certificate
Bank details
RSI/PPS card
Medical card
Birth certificates
Pay slips
Step Five:

If you can, discuss your Safety Plan with a trusted friend so they can support you if you need to put it into action.

Keep your safety plan in a safe place. Ideally, somewhere you can get it quickly if you need to leave in a hurry.

Just make that one call and see them that one time to work out your plan. You don't have to follow it immediately but just by taking that step you will also take back some control and inside it will light a spark which may turn into a blaze. You always have it ready if you need to put it into practice or maybe you will come to realise that you are ready now to take that step.

Also be aware that none of the people you come in contact with after you take this step are anything but kind, understanding and supportive. No one will look down on your or raise their eyebrows in disbelief. Even the guy at the mortgage bank when I explained the situation took it in his stride and gave 'us' breathing space and offered me his sympathy. They are not complete ogres.

Emme

MARIANKAFER wrote: »

Many thanks for all the replies.
1) I have already spoken to Womens Aid. They don't give any practical help.
2) I have been for counselling, I used to blame myself... I have already come a long way
3) I have no one. I have no support. I have to get on with it.
4) I have gone back to college so that I can provide for my child on my own. I don't want hand outs
5) No one can understand what it is like living with such an unpredictable bully unless they've experienced it. You change, you try to keep the peace so they won't attack. It is sad but it is hopefully not forever.
6) No one has ever helped me with anything in my past and I don't expect anyone to come riding in to save the day. I know it is down to me.

Nothing has helped. I will have to wait 2 years. Please dont judge others you never know what they have to endure behind closed doors.

The closer he sees you getting to escaping, the worse he will get. I would advise you to make getting out your priority, then focus on your education again. I know from personal experience with a relative that Women's Aid don't give much practical help.

However, the way things are going you may have to choose between you and your child's lives and your education. I am not judging you, you are doing the best you can under your circumstances but you and your child are in danger and things aren't going to improve unless you leave.

up for anything

MARIANKAFER wrote: »

1) I have already spoken to Womens Aid. They don't give any practical help.
2) I have been for counselling, I used to blame myself... I have already come a long way
3) I have no one. I have no support. I have to get on with it.
4) I have gone back to college so that I can provide for my child on my own. I don't want hand outs
5) No one can understand what it is like living with such an unpredictable bully unless they've experienced it. You change, you try to keep the peace so they won't attack. It is sad but it is hopefully not forever.
6) No one has ever helped me with anything in my past and I don't expect anyone to come riding in to save the day. I know it is down to me.

Nothing has helped. I will have to wait 2 years. Please dont judge others you never know what they have to endure behind closed doors.

Never having used Womens Aid I can't vouch for them. I was referred to my local refuge by a lady in the Citizens Information Board I visited. It is the refuges themselves who provide the practical help. You do have someone. You have them. You are NEVER alone with your problem. You just think you are. They will help you to help yourself and provide practical support.

<EDIT>

You don't have to wait two years for peace of mind. You can take it now if you want to. You don't have to face him with your decision. Sneak out of there.* Face him later when you have built up the courage and renewed your self-esteem. It won't be easy but it will be worth it and you won't have given him two more precious years of what is your only life.



*Just be sure you take the information and things laid out in the safety plan. You can do it without them but it makes life easier if you have them to hand.

Wonkagirl

Jesus you poor thing. I have nothing much to add other than a few prayers intended in your direction.

Make sure you document everything, take photographs where relevant and even try if at all possible to get him on camera. you will need as much documentation/proof as possible. Write as much down as you can, you'd be surprised what you forget over time.

Flag it to the gardai IMMEDIATELY so they can open a file.

Be strong, you will be able to get your life back.

Taltos

OP
please follow the advice above.

Also I can see that the anonymous user name you chose appears to be a name and is searchable on facebook - though blocked.

If this is your name maybe you can request the MODS to update your posts so that you are truly anonymous.

Best of luck - and no-one has to put up with abuse like you are receiving.
I know it is tough to follow the advice given - but you are seriously at risk here - what if he doesn't stop next time....
Also it is not just you - your children are learning that this is acceptable... They are more likely to repeat what they see now - so for their sake as well as your own you have to get out now...