Too honest

LegacyUser

I am always too honest.

I just gor myself into loads of problems because of this.

I want to live my life being true to my heart, but it seems like only people that are cunning
and deceitful are successful.

I don't know if anyone understands.

I hate people that are living their lifes by what their brains and egos tell them, and I don't want be like that.

I want to be true to what is right to me, but all I get is so much ****, and it makes me appear like I am a vulnerable person that people can pick on.

I just think I am innocent, but I wish more people were, and that I was taking advantage of.

Ickle Magoo

Is there a particular issue you want advice on OP?

I'm not sure what you mean by too honest? Do you mean showing no tact or being insulting for the sake of honesty? I'm not sure what that has to do with living by their brains or egos...

Sorry, it's hard to offer advice as your post is quite general and more of a statement than a question or problem...

LegacyUser

I make mistakes, and then I am honest about them. Example: Figuring out boyfriends password for email and reading some of the then telling him. Another example: I am too honest about my mistakes and the things I have done wrongly in my life, even small things like admitting to mistakes at work when noone has questioned me about them,being selfcritical and expecting everyone else to be the same and also forgive me. I just can't keep secrets or hide my mistakes.

It has destroyed my life.

Ickle Magoo

Speding the time figuring out your boyfriends password and then going into his account and reading their mail is a deliberate and concious act - admitting you have done that is not something you should be kicking yourself over, it's why you felt the need to that in the first place you should be looking at.

Why can't you keep secrets or forgive yourself mistakes no-one else has noticed them? You should be looking at why you are so self-critical and why you would expect everyone else to be the same as you. I'm not sure how it can/will/should destroy your life. You have the ability to change and be whomever you want to be, blaming a trait you wilfully allow to control your behaviour as the bad guy and source of all your problems is a bit of a cop-out. Where's the personal responsibility?

LegacyUser

Everywhere I go I constantly put myself down. I feel like it is an honest thing and I expect people to forgive me. Looking back at my life made me realise how unnecessary a lot of these mistakes have been toadmit, and just out them down as mistakes and move on should have been the right thing to do.

Th email thing was a long time ago when I was worried about my BF being unfaithful, which he was, and I was subsequently the person in the wrong as i had sneeked into his email.

I lost the love of my life.

I lost respect from collegues by constantly making myself look worthless.

I just have a feeling averyone will eventually find out what a fraud and and horrible person I am if I dont admit it now.

Looking back, I have not been afraud a horrible person, but made myself look like that.

Why? Afraid of rejection possible, making other people reject me before they can reject me without me being prepared?

Ickle Magoo

I think you'll find many arguments on PI regarding reading of texts and emails and whether it's justified or not. Personally, I think when it's got to the stage you are sneaking around double checking then something is way off anyway and it's only a matter of time before such a relationship deteriorates.

I also think there is a fine line between genuine honesty making you self-depreciating and being unnecessarily negative to the point others start to question if you have serious self-worth issues.

Would you consider going to speak to a counsellor or some third party because you sound like your self-confidence and self-belief is at rock bottom?

LegacyUser

Thanks for your kind advice.

I have been going to counselling, I think it stems from my mother always making me feel like if I was in the wrong, I was ungrateful, and I was lying about things that had happened to me.

I was also made feel worthless in father's house where I spent evry second weekend and holidays with his new family- I was not welcome and should not think that I was of any importance.

I have really ruined my life- rejected everyone who loved me.... I only feel comfortable in circumstances and with people that criticises me. That's where I feel at home.....

LegacyUser

The only person that ever loved me and was faithful to me has died after I completely rejected him and told him to stay out of my life. It was an accident. I now regret this breakup deeply.

Basically everything is shít.

And I have brought it all upon myself by rejecting nice people that loved me, wanting to be with people that cheated on me, and constantly since bringing myself into situations where I have been criticised, judged, and made feel worthless and like a fraud.

I am not sucidal and have no serious mental issues, I am just going on and on with this horrible life. My counselling has not helped.

I just want to be loved but am terrified of joy and happiness.

Ickle Magoo

If your counselling has not helped then perhaps you need to find a new counsellor? And perhaps make an appointment with your GP and tell them how you feel?

Zen65

too honest wrote: »

Everywhere I go I constantly put myself down. I feel like it is an honest thing and I expect people to forgive me.

Putting yourself down is not an act of honesty, it is a mild form of self-abuse. Doing it occasionally can simply be a sign of social unease, but to do so more regularly may suggest there are other issues at play, such as the issues you have raised in your posts about your parents. If you wish to move past this habit, without sacrificing your honesty in any way, it would probably be best to continue with counselling. It sounds as though you have yet to discover your own sense of self-worth, which is critical to maintaining healthy relationships with other people (friendships, work & social relationships, and love relationships).

It's a vicious circle. As long as you speak ill of people (especially yourself) you will think ill of them. As long as you think ill of people (& yourself), you will speak ill of them. To start breaking the habit, you should stop putting yourself down...... you have not deserved this. If there are mistakes you make in life, you must first forgive yourself, and then act to rectify those mistakes or mistaken habits.

Be kind to yourself, and to others.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I actually really relate to your post, you could have been talking about my life, i am guessing you are still young and it is a lot to process emotionally, I am now 32 and i have worked through all my baggage, i have to say out of all the things that happened to me and i was physically abused by my mother and sexually abused by my father, it is the verbal and mental abuse that i struggled with the most.

I mean that the criticism i got from my mother was so bad that having to retrain my brain was very hard. I once heard Dr. Phil say that for every negative thing a parent says to a child it takes a thousand 'at a girl's' to make it better.

I feel like you need to give yourself a pat on the back and realize you are coping very well, thats what i would say to myself looking back because it was extremely hard. Also you have to believe in your gut and instinct maybe you acted in the best way for you at the time with those relationships you mentioned, after all you didnt have it easy,

your not supposed to get everything right at a young age either your still developing in so many ways, but if your mother was like my mother then you will think you have to know how to deal with all this and cope with it, and there is no room for error, every heard that song, i gotta right to be wrong... you do! we all do, i wish i was easy on myself too.

The counseling will work if you keep working to get to the root cause of your issues, that for me was self esteem and having to learn to love myself, i totally know what you mean when you say it is hard to feel safe in normality, if you are used to a chaotic upbringing you then create chaos to make life safe and familiar,

that was the hardest thing i had to do... accept better for myself and allow the good to come to me. I find writing the positive affirmations very helpful like, i love and approve of myself, if your mind is very critical just write that out to balance the negative thoughts, get Louise Hays book... YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE, for loads of guidance in that if your into it.

Have you every heard the saying... we are afraid of failure, but we are terrified of success, i really feel it is true and you should know that most people are! Your mother has made you so self conscious that you doubt everything you say and think but this changes as you get older, it can be very hard when your young to feel respected or gain respect because your identity is still forming,

i am completely different now then when i was young, i was shy, quiet, hated confrontation, low self esteem, full of self doubt.... today i am the opposite, you have to get the clarity you need about what happened in your past and put the responsibility where it belongs, you have to get to know your truth and then honour it, once you figure that out you will never doubt yourself again and people will see that belief in you.

I found it was very hard to honour my truth and i was confused for a long time, if you don't like your counsellor then change till you get someone you do like, but don't give up! try and talk about the injustice you experienced as a child, get the feeling of release from working on that and knowing that many things were wrong and it was not you.

Accept the choices you have made in the past, you have not killed anybody you made mistakes, but you are supposed to, its just your mother would never allow it so you dont allow it on you, there is always allowance for fresh starts!

Try and surround yourself with people who love and support you, even if that person is just you! treat yourself as a precious little object, if it means taking some time out from family and friends do it, some people can drag you down and it can be hard to make choices to put your well being first, give the counseling a real go, like start planning what you want to work on each week if something is coming up for you that week, identify it and try and get to the bottom of it, counsellors can only work with what you give them, go in and say for today i would love to feel compassion for myself in this session, share something from the heart and really give yourself the compassion you deserve.

I just want to say that it is possible to heal from a difficult past, i thought i was damaged goods forever but i am living my dreams out at the minute, if you do this hard work and get through the baggage you will be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams,

Trust yourself a lot more, and go at your own pace with the counseling, but try and get something around you that inspires so that you hold on to something positive, sorry i feel i should have edited this post because it is too long, but you inspired me to write to you and tell you not to give up!! you are closer to the good-times than you think. Do what ever you have to do to feel better!! fight for yourself, LOVELIGHT XOXO