Self harm

Hersheys

I have had a crap life. I'm not going to bore you with the details, they're not relavent.

But basically I'm pretty much self harm free for 2.5 years. I had one slip up over Christmas, but other than that, all good.

Recently I've had the urges.

I've a rash on my arm and I was scratching at it with my pen (at work, reading computer screen, not minding) and when I noticed, I'd broken skin and I was getting the good feelings from it. And I couldn't stop. Eventually I did, but it was hard. It felt so good.

So I don't know what to do. Is this another slip?

I don't want to start again, it's a slippery slope. How do I not let it happen?

LighterGuy

I would suggest seeing seeking professional help with this matter due to its serious nature, op
This is not a topic people on this board would particularly be able to help with


All a member on this board could advise you is to obviously stop this. It sounds that your life effected you and caused you to self-harm previously.
A reckon its similar to relapsing like an ex-alcohol. So you must get to the root to fix things. Weather getting professional help or helping yourself

i would suggest professional help tho.

Hersheys

Can't afford professional help

Its just that things have gone downhill in the past few weeks - rough auld time of things. I thought I was coping with them...

Penny Lane

Oh Hersheys you need to get help, it doesn't cost much if you go through community counsellors. There are free services and services that can allow you pay as much as you can afford.

One example is http://www.aticounselling.ie/about.php

LegacyUser

i self harm too. have done for almost 15 years. i have had some good (for me) stretches without it. almost a year here, just over a year there. at the moment it has been 7 months and i really hope i can go longer. in fact i really hope i never go back there again.

it is good that you recognise that this could be a slip, that you know it is a slippery slope and that you do not want to go down it again. that shows great insight and self awareness and you can use that to help yourself.

as others have said, counselling would really help. the great thing is ... you don't have to be able to afford it. there are lots of free and low cost services available.
one i can fully reccommend (as i have been there myself) is pieta house (http://www.pieta.ie/)
it is completely free and they are the kindest, most understanding people i've ever talked to. i really believe they saved me when i thought nothing would.

whatever you decided to do or whatever help you decide to look for, please don't beat yourself up about slipping up. it just feeds in to the self hate, self hurt, blame and whatever other horrible things you may be feeling at the moment. it feeds in to the downward spiral.
this is a slip. it doesn't have to be more than that.

good luck hersheys, and be gentle with yourself
ng

Chuchoter

Do something with your hands- seriously write, draw, make something (knit!) just something to keep your hands and mind occupied. Force yourself to stop thinking about it and don't get hung up on the computer thing. I had a huge problem with self harm for about a year and a bit, now sans a few slip ups I haven't done it in nearly two years. I'm having a bit of a **** time at the moment but find something positive and productive to focus your mind on.

Hersheys

I don't trust anyone in real life to tell them. This ISN'T a big deal - it's a slip up, but I need to tell someone. One slip does not mean I'm going to go back to the way I was. But nobody understands that.

I know a counsellor would be ideal, but I don't want to have to explain everything to a stranger again - it's been a... challenging past. But all that's wrong now is not feeling happy in work, at home, feeling abandoned by friends, family stuff oh and the overwhelming urge to cut myself.

Maybe I should think about making an appt

Hersheys

It just seems pointless - the stuff that's going on is fairly mundane - shouldn't illicit this response.

LegacyUser

Hi Hersheys,

I would like to second the suggestion you get in contact with Pieta House if that is an option for you. I can't even begin to explain how much they helped me with my self harming problem. It's been almost a year since I've cut (after 10 years if intermittent cutting and one major streak which finally made me realise I needed help) and I've made a lot of changes for the better since then.

Getting help isn't easy, I think you need to be ready for it and open to it, from your posts it really seems like you are. You mention that all your problems are mundane, I felt the exact same way when I was at my worst, and even when I was going through the counseling at Pieta House I felt awful, like I was taking resources away from the people who really needed it and wasting the time of the counsellor with my silly problems. I also felt extremely 'defective' and ashamed (Christ, other people don't come home and cut after a hard day, what the hell is wrong with me?!) which just made the whole thing even worse.

Your posts sound eerily familiar to me. I too would write off self harming as a mishap or a slip off and attempt to minimise issues that were in fact swamping me and causing major stress. Self harming is a coping mechanism but it's not a healthy one and you deserve better. One of the major things counseling helped with was identifying the patterns and triggers and other methods of coping.

Aside from that, I found writing in a journal helpful- just getting everything out, closing the journal and 'letting it go'. Another thing I found helpful (this was part of the counseling at Pieta House) was just detailing, hour by hour or so, what had happened that day. This at least helped to figure out what patterns or triggers I could avoid. Another thing was rearranging my routine. Things like, instead of coming home after work (and cutting) I would take a walk. This worked as a distraction and a way to 'get through' the urge.

I wish you the best of luck. If you feel strong enough to get help, please do. It's worth it.

Hersheys

Pieta house is in Dublin, yea? I'm down South - any similar services here?

I'm strong enough to get help - I've a counselling service on speed dial Just can't afford it at the minute. Expensive few months - been sick and that cost a bomb with all the meds and stuff I needed. And stupid things like parking in the hospital - fortune!

I know my problems aren't mundane, I just don't know how to deal with them because I feel like I'm being ignored/abandoned by my friends. Which means I can't talk to them!

RandyMann

Hersheys wrote: »

It just seems pointless - the stuff that's going on is fairly mundane - shouldn't illicit this response.

Does this mean you like pain in general? You said it felt good, like in a sexual way or pleasure in a comfort way or something else?
Do you do it to mark yourself so people will ask you what happened like you want attention or something?
I am curious as to what your motivation is for this behaviour.

CDfm

You should be able to go to your GP for a referal to your local support services believe it or not there are 11,000 cases a year.

Your GP can help you access the services at the HSE who do support services and which are free



http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/Find_a_Service/Mental_Health_Services/

up for anything

Low cost counselling

There is somebody in Kilkenny (although it doesn't show it on the site) so there may be someone in your area.

jdivision

RandyMann wrote: »

I am curious as to what your motivation is for this behaviour.

The usual motivation for cutters is to feel something cos otherwise all you feel is numbness. Sometimes it's a response to emotional trauma, you feel numb and so you cut to feel something.

Hersheys

RandyMann wrote: »

Does this mean you like pain in general? You said it felt good, like in a sexual way or pleasure in a comfort way or something else?
Do you do it to mark yourself so people will ask you what happened like you want attention or something?
I am curious as to what your motivation is for this behaviour.

Typically if I self harm its on my legs/stomach/places where people don't see. I'm not proud of what I do so I try to hide it. This incident with scratching my wrist is a once-off hurting a visible area. Normally I go out of my way to avoid letting people know what happens.

I can't really describe how it feels to self harm. As jdivision mentioned, it is partly to feel something, yes. It does replace the numbness. However it also gives me a rush of what I can only assume is adreneline, which feels good. It's an intensely good feeling that I get for about 10/15 seconds, then the bad feelings come back - slightly worse after what I've done. So I cut again, feel good again etc etc etc. It's cyclical, I need to break the cycle.

Right now I'm remembering how good it felt to break the skin the other day. But I'm also racked with guilt that I let it happen. Especially because initially, there was no intention. It was only during/after it happened that I realised I was getting more pleasure than just the simple "scratch an itch" sensation.

I suppose that's kinda how I could describe it - having an itch that you need to scratch, except when you scratch it, even though it feels good, it just gets itchier. Throw in the guilt and you've got my feelings

I'll look into the low cost counselling. I've spoken to my GP and he's prescribed me little tablets to take when I'm having a panic attack. I'm lucky enough in that I can sense them coming on for a little while so normally I can find somewhere to be alone and let it happen. I've learned that, unless I'm in a situation that I can't let it happen, its best to let nature take its course. I only ever take the tablets on the rare occasions that the panic attacks make me want to cut. But because I didn't have a panic attack when I broke the skin (I was itchy and looking at the computer, not paying attention), I didn't take a tablet!

Hersheys

RandyMann wrote: »

Does this mean you like pain in general? You said it felt good, like in a sexual way or pleasure in a comfort way or something else?
Do you do it to mark yourself so people will ask you what happened like you want attention or something?
I am curious as to what your motivation is for this behaviour.

And to be honest it's attitudes like people thinking people do it for attention that stops people being open about their problem with self harming, so please, if you hear of someone in your life doing it, don't ask them if they're doing it for attention. It will just make things worse.

star-pants

Hersheys wrote: »

And to be honest it's attitudes like people thinking people do it for attention that stops people being open about their problem with self harming, so please, if you hear of someone in your life doing it, don't ask them if they're doing it for attention. It will just make things worse.

Have to agree there, so many people instantly jump to the 'looking for attention' excuse when it's not always the case, and it does stop people sharing with others for fear they'll be seen as 'attention seeking'.

Hersheys, you're right in the sense that one slip up doesn't mean you're going back down that road, but it's still a step in the wrong direction. If you can get to counselling, please please do, and in the mean time it might not work for long, but just making yourself think of the guilt you felt might outweigh the need to do it, just for a few mins even to get past it.

People have slip ups, and to recognise it as just that is a good thing, to know you don't want to do that, is a good thing. You just need to really concentrate on knowing you went so long without doing this, and that you can do it. But counselling will probably give you the support you need, so do try the links people have given for your area

RandyMann

Hersheys wrote: »

And to be honest it's attitudes like people thinking people do it for attention that stops people being open about their problem with self harming, so please, if you hear of someone in your life doing it, don't ask them if they're doing it for attention. It will just make things worse.

Thanks for your reply and no I would never mention the attention thing to anyone who self harms, infact I would not even approach the subject.
There was a reason I asked if it was an attention issue as I used to work with a guy (havent seen him in quite a few years) but he used to cut his wrists and he didnt really try to hide it.
I didnt know he did this until he showed me in work one day which made me speechless. My reaction was dumbstruck and it unnerved me a bit. My only advice to him was that he needed to see a doctor. In retrospect I felt he was seeking some attention and was lonely/depressed etc.
What you describe could be similar to someone who bites their nails but on a more serious scale, like a comfort thing maybe?
I hope you find the right professional help and you recover from this ailment.
Get well soon.

Hersheys

Perhaps if he showed you it was that he was willing to talk about it with you? I haven't shown anyone my marks - unless they've asked to see them. I'm wearing long sleeves all week, and a skin coloured plaster in case the sleeve moves. I do not want attention because of it - that'd make it worse!

I think I'll try find someone to talk to - I just have serious trust issues

aisling.laura

This site was absolutely invaluable to me when I was struggling with self-harm a few years ago - http://buslist.org/phpBB/

It's a great site for discussions and everyone there will be able to help you and understand a lot more what you're going through. Hopefully it can help you as much as it did me.

Take care of yourself.