Feeling trapped

LegacyUser

I'm in my mid 30s. I'm self employed and still single.
I own my own home.

My work is very quiet at the moment. Not much business out there. Has been like this for the past 18 months. Struggling to keep on top of everything. Paying bills etc. I'm still looking for more work and find it very frustrating.

Mortgage is up to date. But other personal loans have gone into arrears.
I am finding that some of my family and my friends don't seem to realise how difficult these last few years have been for me.

I feel as though I am supposed to put on a brave face when meeting either and pretend everything is great and dandy.

Then there is my personal life. I haven't had a girlfriend for at least 5 years. Why? Because I put everything, I mean every cent, into my business for the past 8 years. I worked 14 hou days and just didn't have the time to meet a girl. And I didn't have the spare cash to go out with her and look after her.

Now I feel I've missed the boat, even though I am still very young. But all my friends are either married or are in long term relationships.
I would really like to meet a girl and develop a strong relationship. Last week, I walked into my local pub at 10.40pm. I went into the bar and found 6 friends and their wives all sitting on stools enjoying their night out. I wasn't invited. I said hello to them, stayed for a few minutes and walked away to another section.

That experience told me everything I need to know about people, friends and relationships.
What I've learned is this: If you don't have a gf by a certain time in life you are viewed as being an outcast. You are no longer accepted by your friends, because you are single and they are married or going steady. They don't want you around.
What kind of people are they?

Anyway, I'm not desperate or anything but I would just like a gf. But where do I meet her.
Not in a local pub. It means me having to venture into Dublin city alone to bars and clubs.
I've done this and it isn't very nice nor enjoyable for me.
But I've learned that these people aren't real friends.
They don't ask me if I am meeting or seeing any girl, or where I go to meet them. And I believe it's because they don't want to approach the subject 'cos it reflects badly on them.
So what do I do?
They've no idea about the pressures I am under.

kylith

If you feel uncomfortable meeting women in pubs then the simple answer is not to do that. Getting a hobby is a great way to meet people and you may even meet a nice lady too; book clubs, cookery classes, film nights, even dance classes (they're usually begging for men there).

If your friends treat you like an outcast because you haven't found a girl you like enough to go out with yet then you should look at getting new friends.

Penny Lane

anonymoushere wrote: »

Then there is my personal life. I haven't had a girlfriend for at least 5 years. Why? Because I put everything, I mean every cent, into my business for the past 8 years. I worked 14 hou days and just didn't have the time to meet a girl. And I didn't have the spare cash to go out with her and look after her.

Last week, I walked into my local pub at 10.40pm. I went into the bar and found 6 friends and their wives all sitting on stools enjoying their night out. I wasn't invited. I said hello to them, stayed for a few minutes and walked away to another section.

People aren't mind readers , by your own admission you've put everything int your business. What efforts have you made to spend time with your friends? How often do you make an effort to socialise with them? The way I read your situation is you've been married to your business (as most entrepreneurs are-completely understandable), now things are a bit quieter and you have more time on your hands you're surprised your friends aren't looking for you. If your lifestyle has been centred on work til now, it's up to you to get your social life back. That means letting your mates know how you're feeling, not expecting them to read your mind.

As to meeting women, there's lots of ways-hobbies, clubs, dating sites, through friends, etc. It just requires a little effort (and a little less of the martyr attitude)

darad

OP I understand that you are down and therefore have a negative view on things. You put a lot of time and effort into your business and maybe now its time to do some things for yourself. You might be out of practice but really you should make an effort, do something you like, join a club or take up a hobby, what about trying to meet people online if you dont like the idea of going to pubs alone?

Dont be too harsh on your friends, I suppose it is a bit awkward for them to invite you if they were all in couples, but try to see some of them outside of their couples nights. Good luck and I hope things get better for you.

r3nu4l

Some practical advice first, other stuff later.

1) Contact the lenders and ask them to restructure your loans, pay over a longer period on some of them but try to reduce the biggest one by more each month if you can.

2) Your business. Do you know why exactly you have been finding it hard to get business? Is your product/service now redundant due to new technologies or is it just that people aren't spending on your product/service because of the recession. Can you make any special offers? Can you team up with someone else for a short period to offer an enhanced service? Take some time out to look at what you can change, if anything.

3) It's a major, major recession out there right now so I don't think that anybody would be surprised to hear that someone is having difficulties, particularly someone who is self-employed and doesn't have a support network around them as they would have if they were in a company. Start telling people, you never know who can offer good advice OR ensure that you get some orders in.

That's the practical stuff out of the way.

Okay, you're 30 and no gf. Not a big deal imo. My brother is 32 and only started going out with his new gf last year Only two of five of his best mates the same age as him are married.

Sometimes friends don't ask you about relationship status simply because they feel that they are putting you into pressure by doing so.

I really don't like pubs as a place to meet a potential 'significant other'. No doubt, people can be lucky but better to find somewhere else imo. That said, many years ago I went to a pub alone at about 6PM one Friday, for a quiet pint and was sitting on my own at a table and a very nice girl asked me to join her for a drink. I had to decline as I was going out with someone at the time but she was a very, very good looking girl and seemed really nice too! Had I been single I would have gone for it

It's already been suggested that you find time for a hobby. Once a week you should do something different, even if you don't meet someone, it'll help you unwind.

Whatever you do, don't lose too much faith in yourself, you've already been successful for a while, there's nothing stopping you getting that success back while also finding someone who means a lot to you.

thefeatheredcat

anonymoushere wrote: »

I feel as though I am supposed to put on a brave face when meeting either and pretend everything is great and dandy.

You don't have to maintain a pretence about anything. Especially to your family and friends. You'd be surprised to know how many people are in great difficulties but refuse to swallow their pride and admit it. But when you do speak up and be honest about what's really going on, you'll be even more surprised by the goodness of the people around you.

Some great advice already given, and particularly the advice r3nu4l gave on the loans and business side of things.

You have invested so much into your business and made the sacrifices you had to make. You've had the courage to make it happen for yourself when others haven't. You should be proud of what you have, what you have achieved and what you have accomplished.

Speak up and talk about things openly, you'll be surprised how many doors that can open for you.