is my husband a bully?

neeloc

Hi
I have been on this site for quite a while but this is my first time posting. I have been married for over 25 years and have 2 grown up children who do not live with us. We have always had 1 main issue in our relationship. My husband never wants me to go anywhere (out socially) without him. I have persevered and gone anyway and usually get the silent treatment or completely blanked for a few days. I was always able to cope with this when the kids lived at home as they would be speaking to me and might say you look nice if I was going out or did you have a nice time when I got home.

I am finding that it gets me down now. He would never say if I was going out with my friends did you have a good time or you look nice he would just be moody for the day or too. I have just returned from a walking hoilday with a group that I walk with and he did not speak to me for 2 days before I went and when I returned after the week he never mentioned the trip, did not ask how it went or did I have a good time.

I would love to have someone to share my news with. We do go out together and on holidays together. Things never go well when we are out in a group as he could get the idea in his head that I was talking to a man ect. There would be a row when we get home about who I was talking to. We used to go to the pub together but I have given that up as it can lead to rows. We now tend to go to eat and then come home. Overall we get on well enough but that is when I am going along with what he wants. I have a job and hobbies but i find that now when I have more free time to go with no kids I am hesitating about going as it causes trouble.

The walking group often go for weekends and I would love to go but hate going with the feeling that I am doing something wrong which I know I am not but thats the feeling in the house. How can I deal with this ? There are times I feel like walking away from him altogether but I know we have other good things going for us. Can anyone advise how to get around this problem. I have asked him to go for councelling but he refuses . He mostly is a good person who helps around the house and is a very good father with this 1 main problem. As I get older it depresses me that everywhere I go is a problem. Has anyone ideas how to sort this out

amoppet

i would suggest you show him what you have just written, leave it out somewhere for him and don't wait around, it's easier than saying it and allows him time to think his behaviour through before you both talk and hopefully come to some resolution. he sounds insecure to me. failing that my attitude is you have one life, don't throw it away just because you said 'i do' once a few decades ago!

astra2000

Hi op have you tried talking to your hb about how you are feeling. I think your husband has been able to get away with this type of behaviour for a long time and it is now normal for him to behave like.He is behaving like a child by not speaking to you and sulking for days.
You should be able to have your own interests as should he, but you also need to spend time together, and now your family are reared and hopefully money worries are less this should be doable.
You need to ask yourself can you continue to live like this for the rest of your lives together and if the answer is no then you probably need to consider your options. Best of luck op

Taltos

Ideally the first time he did this you should have told him to cop on or get the hell out of your life.
As he gets older there is a chance it will get even worse.

As a poster above suggested now is the time to lay your cards out on the table for this guy.

You DESERVE to have your life.
Ideally you want him to be a part of it or to share your tales and stories.
Really you just want a partner who will be there for you, who will listen to you, who you know by their actions that they love you as much as you love them...

Thing is - he probably does love you as much as you love him - but for whatever reason his jealousy / controlling nature is slowly killing his expression of that - and more worryingly - the longer he acts out like this - the way he acts will fundamentally change how you feel about him...
There is a strong chance in another few mths/years you will come to resent his behaviour and your love will die...

You have to tackle this straight on.
Calmly though - emotion here will just have the result that he will hear your voice - but will NOT listen to your words.
Lay it all out - and when you are finished if you need it is ok to have a cry - chances are when you really lay it out you will feel so drained and exhausted that you will just need to let loose.
It would be best if you can have the support of someone you trust while doing this - I know it is not fair to ask - but could one of your children be present in the house - maybe not in the room - but somewhere close by to be just there for you???

Either he will change or he will not - but either way - you really do deserve to be happy - and lets face it - right now - his acting like a spoilt child - he is taking all pleasure from you...
Mad really - when the children leave - that is when the parents are meant to reconnect, feel the 2nd rush of love, not punish the other for having a life.

Beruthiel

neeloc, I honestly don't know how you have put up with this for so long. Doubt I'd have lasted any time at all with a man like that.

I have a job and hobbies but i find that now when I have more free time to go with no kids I am hesitating about going as it causes trouble.

So far, you have been strong and just done your own thing, don't give up now.
You have one, short life.
Make damn sure you enjoy every second of it.
Don't waste it by considering his sulks when you want to do something.
You have your health, a job and hobbies.

Were I in your position, I would do the following:
Tell him that in X amount of years I'll be dead.
That before that happens, I intend to enjoy every second of it.
That I'm sick to my teeth of his sulks and rows and that he either talks to a professional about his jealousy and low self esteem issues or I'm walking because I've had enough of his pettiness.

neeloc, imagine your life free of all his crap.
Imagine being able to do whatever you want when ever you want.
Doesn't that sound wonderful?

Nevyn

Beruthiel wrote: »

neeloc, imagine your life free of all his crap.
Imagine being able to do whatever you want when ever you want.
Doesn't that sound wonderful?

Most likely this is what is scaring your husband and making him so insecure.
He feels that you don't need him and that you will start a new life with out him now that the kids are reared you don't have to stay with him and some new man will come along and turn your head, but he doesn't understand that it's his possessive behaviour and sulks which are driving a wedge between you.

Yes you need to see his actions as what they are the silent tantrums of an insecure person, but when the kids are gone couples do have to work at renewing their relationship. If he loves you and wants the two of you to be together then he needs to cop on and maybe go talk to someone about his issues.

Do still love him and want to be with him?
Would couples counselling help?

I now of one couple who went through something simular and then recommitted to each other and did a renewal of vows, choosing to be and stay together when all the kids were gone and it made a huge difference to them.