Has anyone else had the same experience?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I would like to first point out that I am not a racist and would never judge a person by the colour of their skin. This post is about my own personal experience over the last year and a half.

Basically since starting college, any black men I have come across have tried it on with me. In first year I took a fitness class and the instructor was black. I was friendly with him and thought he was really nice, so clearly I was going to chat to him and what not. On two occasions though he came on extremely strong to me, so much so that I stopped going to his class as I did not really want to deal with that. He clearly wanted sex and was very pushy about getting it, trying to make me bring him back to my house for it even.

Around the same time I went for lunch with my tutor and his friends who were also back. One of his friends was subtle about what he wanted, but the hint was still there that he wanted something more. Lunch was fine, but when I went home I had a missed call from tutor (we swapped numbers). I text him back to see what he wanted but didn't hear from him again after. I am not suggesting he wanted anything more than a chat but I found it a bit odd as we had just left the restaurant half an hour or so.

So fast forward a year on and yesterday happens. The other friend of tutor (not the guy who was subtle but still clear) came over to me in a computer lab in college. He told me I was getting more beautiful every day. I was so embarrassed. Then he went on that his friend liked me the day we went to lunch and had wanted to ask me out at the time, etc but he had missed his chance. He said he didn't want to miss the chance with me and suggested we go for coffee....and for me to make sure my boyfriend was not there!

I told my bf right away and he laughed at it, as did my friends. However I can't help but feel a bit violated or something. Like I genuinely did nothing to make these men think I was up for anything more than friendship. Maybe they misinterpreted my friendship, but I don't see how they could have. Like I said I am clearly not racist, if I was then i never would have chatted to them I guess! Is it their culture or something that makes them do it? I dread college now as the guy that came onto me yesterday is in my class I don't want to have to deal with him trying to get sex off me for the rest of the term!! I am tempted to tell someone but am afraid of being branded racist/liar. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Neyite

similar, but with a few differences - i worked with 2 eastern europeans some years ago, who came on to me and another colleague during a few post-work drinks. we turned them down, but the convo turned to why they even thought they could try it on, since they were both married, and one of us had a boyfriend.

it was mainly a cultural comparison for them - a woman in a pub in their country is rare, and considered a slapper if they even drink, let alone go out with the girls and have a few. they saw that we were chatty, and up for a night out with mixed sexes but their women dont do this - they dont socialise with men unless its family based, a family get together or something. they openly admitted that they saw irish women who drank, smoked and socialised in pubs as women of 'loose morals' and as for us wimmin drinking 'manly' drinks like pints of beer...:rolleyes:.

so maybe this is what is going on with your situation - you are chatty in your eyes = flirting in theirs. (not, that im saying you are, just what they think they see) and they make a move based on the social cues they would see if they were with women of their own culture? giving them your phone number, or texting them might be a definate flirt signal to them, (hell, it is to some irish blokes too )

LegacyUser

What exactly is your issue here? And what has the fact these guys are black got to do with anything? I'm not part of the PC brigade or anything but I really don't see the relevance.

These guys obviously fancied you. In the case of the first guy, yeah, he was defo a bit out of line, you were just being friendly and he obviously misread that and/or was a bit of a creep. Some guys are creeps OP I don't think that has anything to with race. Unless this guy is actually still contacting you or whatever, I don't see the issue.

As for the second guy, sounds like he just fancied you. It's (again) out of line for him to suggest meeting up when he knows you have a bf. However, what's the harm in saying "I'm flattered but I have a bf (who I love...)". Did you not do this already? Because it's sounds like you have a good relationship with your bf anyway. Tell him and it is more than likely he'll just back off.

Again, I don't see how skin colour has anything to do with anything. It's not as if there isn't weird/pushy/creepy white guys in the world!

LegacyUser

^^^ i don't think the OP meant anything about colour, but rather questions of culture.....
and i've had a similar experience, only it ended up very very bad and that person was from the Philippines.
some cultures are very forward with their thinking compared to others. just be very careful. even if you are being genuinely nice and chatty, they could interpret it differently; that is a cultural difference (nothing to do with colour)

Smallbit

I agree with Elle tbh. I've been approached by more than a few creeps in my time and there has been no real trend in terms of race/nationality.

A creep is a creep, regardless of where they come from. The only difference I've noticed between Irish and foreign men is that some foreign men are more forward in their approach. Usually when I'm approached in a direct manner by an Irish guy, it means he's got a few pints on board :rolleyes: and is obsessed with 'bagging a cougar'

So while there might be anecdotal trends in the way men of different nationalities flirt, I'm not sure it's productive to make provocative statements about black men in general. I'd also suggest you work on not being quite so offended. Men like sex, and some are quite honest about it!

LighterGuy

I am irish. But i have dated 2 black girls and even they admit black guys can come off as creepy or pushy. The general way of thinking is that Nigerian men especially do this.

I had a friend, who is also black and she was waiting outside the GPO in the city centre. A nigerian guy walked past her, stopped then tried to chat her up. She told him to get lost lol. Even she found that a bit "too forward".

You cant tarnish everyone with the same brush of course. But for african men, especially nigerian men alot are very "forward" when chatting up a girl. Just their culture I guess.

But it has to be said alot of my irish female friends hate getting into a black taximan's car. Alot flirt with them. Some its just a laugh others mean it and kinda go a bit too far.

I believe, OP, that you are not being racist, but that this is a cultural thing. I found French guys terribly forth-coming with their intention when I visited there at age 15. I was shocked. Over here, and I guess in the UK too, we're not accustomed to men being so outright in coming onto us and we can take it as intimidating.

That said....
I was in a relationship with a Pakistani guy for about six months... he was shocked when I broke up with him, and we had a real eye-opener of a chat about it. It emerged that he was surprised that I would dump him, because he thought that I was "just a girl" and should be grateful to have a man. There was little I could do to convince him that his point of view here was purely cultural and that wasn't actually how it works in Ireland, when he told me the real opinion he and his friends had come to Ireland with - they were under the impression that "Western" women are easy, that they will fall at a man's feet (or elsewhere!) if you tell them they're pretty, if you buy them a gift they'll "marry you" (I must admit that my ex's idea that an easy woman is one that will marry you is just showing his naivity and religious side - a lot of his friends would have been a lot more derogitory).

I had an African neighbour, straight off the plane, only been in Dublin a few days, ask me out for a drink. I had no problem being friendly with the guy, I just casually said that myself and my boyfriend often went to the local pub, and he could come have a drink with us and get to know a few other local folk if he wanted to. He asked me if I'd like to go for a drink right then, I replied that my boyfriend was working in the morning so probably wouldn't want to come out. And he asked me "Do you need your boyfriend's permission to go for a drink?" I replied that I didn't, but he was my boyfriend and I liked to spend time with him, so I would be going home now, and doing just that. He followed me up the road then insisting, not quite agressively but not kindly either, that my boyfriend was controlling me and that I needed a man who knew how to love and treat a woman. I was starting to feel a bit harrassed so I kept walking around the estate, full circle, because I didn't want him to know which house I lived in.

Zen65

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

Basically since starting college, any black men I have come across have tried it on with me.

Back in the 80's when I was in college I remember many conversations with female college friends where they would lament the fact that Irish guys were so backward about being forward that they found it frustrating. Many of these girls said they preferred foreign men (they would have met on holidays, etc) because they were so much more up-for-it. Ireland in the early 1980's was whiter than Brian Cowan's face after an all-nighter!

Fast forward to the current decade. Ireland is multi-cultural, and the very many foreign students & workers here continue with the cultural habits of being forward with women (& men maybe?? I don't know) but now it's not just on your holidays, it's every day. Some Irish women are possibly finding this aspect of other cultures a bit tiresome (and some are probably loving it).

So OP, it's not about skin colour and you're not being racist..... I think you're just seeing that compared to the Irish male, the African male (and European male) has a culture of being far more forward about these things.

Of course, that it happens so often is also an indication that you're probably a very attractive girl, so don't be too quick to damn your fortune

Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

A lot of african men like, and obsess about, women with curves. They love a big bum, big breasts, and even a belly. This is a cultural thing. Beauty-ideals are different in different parts of the world, and obviously if that's how you look, that's why all these black men want to have sex with you. If that's not how you look, if you are very skinny or just not that blessed with lots of curves, then I have no explanation.

mikemac

I wouldn't say you're racist at all OP, as said it's to do with other cultures.

You're finding these black people very forward.
Sure many find the same.

Black taxi drivers sometimes come across as blunt and aggressive but it's their way.
Same with loud black ladies in the shopping centre which we see often.

Of course there are exceptions, there are jerks in every country.
They probably don't intend to come across as extremely pushy but that's what you pick up on,

Smallbit

purple jumper wrote: »

A lot of african men like, and obsess about, women with curves. They love a big bum, big breasts, and even a belly.

Great! At least I know I'm gorgeous in Africa...

feelingstressed

feelingstressed wrote: »

Black taxi drivers sometimes come across as blunt and aggressive but it's their way.
Same with loud black ladies in the shopping centre which we see often.

I like this post a lot, because many times I believe an entire race can be tainted with a bad brush because of a cultural difference. I became friends with a Chinese guy who worked in my local shop some years ago, and just from staying a bit longer and having chats with him, grew to realise that what I found so frightening about Chinese shop assistants, their impatience, huffing and puffing, yelling and rushing, was simply the way they conduct themselves in a fast paced retail job! When everything slowed down he became relaxed, smiling, chatting, but if another customer came in while we were chatting, he'd nearly roar at me "Thank you, goodbye, NEXT PLEASE!"

I used to consider them rude and obnoxious, getting to know one of them just proved to me that cultural misunderstandings are probably the source of a lot of racial issues!!

LighterGuy

purple jumper wrote: »

A lot of african men like, and obsess about, women with curves. They love a big bum, big breasts, and even a belly. This is a cultural thing. Beauty-ideals are different in different parts of the world, and obviously if that's how you look, that's why all these black men want to have sex with you. If that's not how you look, if you are very skinny or just not that blessed with lots of curves, then I have no explanation.

This is true. I have been told by african women that african men like women of the fulller figure. Its a culture thing.
Its said to of stemed from rich people having fuller figures while slimer girls were seen as broke. Of course its not like that now. However its carried over into whats "beauty"

But i have known african guys. A "white girl" is seen as a sort of throphy (trophy is a dumbed down word i am using :P ) Alot of african men will sleep with a white women, young - old - big or slim.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Interesting topic, I personally feel that if it s a cultural thing then many countries have different religions and different ideas about the woman's role, like some of the countries spoken of would be very traditional in their ways, women seem to be viewed as a mans possession, something he owns and something he is in control of,

but when it comes to their mother they have the utmost respect, but the mother is in a very old fashioned roll and she nourishes this mentality IMO, she runs the house and the boys and girls are treated differently,

there are still traditions running like that in Ireland today like loads of mammies boys who have had to do nothing for themselves all their lives and they see a woman in a 'look after me' role, they are the typical blokes who view women as sex objects and bimbos, they think that girly stuff is stupid and fluffy and pink,

this is because society does not value women virtues in the same way, i am constantly having to teach my BF that i am not his mother and that when he cleans the kitchen or the house that is is not for me he is doing it for- ( cause he says there now i have done that for you!) it is for him he does it, little things like this are cultural,

but i personally feel it is still a man's world and as backward as Ireland is these other countries are worse because their religion still plays such a strong role in their culture. I would just say girls stay strong and believe in yourself! and ALWAYS trust your gut!!! there's a lot to be said for Women's intuition.

Snookii

Snookii wrote: »

i am constantly having to teach my BF that i am not his mother and that when he cleans the kitchen or the house that is is not for me he is doing it for- ( cause he says there now i have done that for you!) it is for him he does it, little things like this are cultural

Yes! My BF is English and has the same idea.... he'll help out with the cooking and the washing up, and all the time looks for praise and admiration for being a "modern man" (I give it to him because it really does seem to be a big thing for him), but I still have to crawl under the bed and around the room to collect his dirty washing because he "has no socks"!

I could just ignore it and let him do it himself, but I tried this - he wears the same clothes for three, maybe four weeks, if I haven't washed some for him, so the ramifications for me just aren't worth it!!

(Besides this I am a bit of a control freak and probably wouldn't let him wash his own clothes cause he'd "do it wrong", ie. use too much washing powder, put it on a 60 degree wash, then probably hang the wet clothes too close to the dry ones and make them wet again. I like method, and I don't like anyone effing with my methods! Maybe then we're a good match!)

Distorted

Yes - are you blonde too OP? My flatmate is Nigerian and he told me for black guys a blond girlfriend is like a trophy girlfriend. I went to a party once with his mates and so many of the guys were way too forward for having just met them. I also think because I just chatted to them in a friendly way, they thought I was interested. Then they started contacting me on Facebook - I added a couple of them because they were friends with my flatmate. And it was like "How are you?" straight onto "Can I come round to see you tonight?". I mean, for goodness sake, I barely knew them! One of them that asked that I actually didn't know at all and had never met! Now I just ignore them. I must say I wouldn't have any problem with dating a black guy, but not one that approached me like that! Also I've not yet met one with interests I would find acceptable - all the ones I know seem to be into endless late night clubbing, smoking, spending all weekend in bed. Theres one at my work just now who I'm fairly sure would love to move into my flat as he rents a small room, despite being in the same job as me. He just doesn't seem to realise that a man in his mid forties with a wife and kids back home isn't a particularly attractive proposition for a woman here!

I also had a strange experience with the Asian guy that worked in the shop opposite my work. Declared his undying love for me. When I pointed out he didn't know me and couldn't be in love and we had nothing in common, he seemed astonished. It hadn't occurred to him that such a declaration would ever be met with rejection...

Mind you, theres plenty of white guys who are sleazy too. But maybe they know the culture better so they are able to be more sneaky about it.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Yes! My BF is English and has the same idea.... he'll help out with the cooking and the washing up, and all the time looks for praise and admiration for being a "modern man" (I give it to him because it really does seem to be a big thing for him), but I still have to crawl under the bed and around the room to collect his dirty washing because he "has no socks"!

I could just ignore it and let him do it himself, but I tried this - he wears the same clothes for three, maybe four weeks, if I haven't washed some for him, so the ramifications for me just aren't worth it!!

(Besides this I am a bit of a control freak and probably wouldn't let him wash his own clothes cause he'd "do it wrong", ie. use too much washing powder, put it on a 60 degree wash, then probably hang the wet clothes too close to the dry ones and make them wet again. I like method, and I don't like anyone effing with my methods! Maybe then we're a good match!)

Ha ha interesting he is similar to my BF although i never let it go until it changed, he now cooks and cleans off his own back, but i still do the better job of it and im still the one who cleans the toilet! i feel when we have kids i dont want them to see me in that roll, cause i think kids do what they see and not what they are told so i will keep striving for equality! :L

I think i brought up how women are viewed because it has a lot to do with the realities of today and how different cultures perceive the women's role, countries that live by strict religions have more of a chance of viewing women as a lesser equal, as if we are an object or something,

OP you have done nothing wrong, the violation is his issues and his rudeness, if anyone crosses your boundaries again, say to them excuse me... i am very uncomfortable with how you are speaking to me, you know i have a boyfriend and i would appreciate you respecting that. If you dont want to say anything just let him make a fool of himself and let the moment go quiet after he finishes speaking, he will get embarrassed then, some people find it awkward to be in an awkward silence but i think it is quite powerful.