Virgin at 29

LegacyUser

The title pretty much explains it all. I'm female and still a virgin at 29. Don't even know how it happened really, it wasn't a conscious decision. It's just I have never been in a long-term relationship and am not really a one night stand kind of girl. I'm okay looking, a bit shy but not socially inept or anything.
Most of the time it doesn't bother me but some days I get really down about it and feel abnormal. Because well it isn't really normal to have gotten to this age and never had sex is it? And I suppose I am just wondering when, IF, I ever do meet a guy will he be totally weirded out by it, is it something that would bother a man and would he assume that there was somthing wrong with me???

Mr Marri

VIRGIN29 wrote: »

IF, I ever do meet a guy will he be totally weirded out by it, is it something that would bother a man and would he assume that there was somthing wrong with me???

Nah! we'd be too delighted to be getting some action to care!

Honestly being a virgin at 29 is a little unusual, but not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.

When people have sex is entirely random, controlled by literally millions of factors about themselves, their lives, the people around them, the potential sexual partners they meet, the opportunity with those partners to get “alone time” and more. I could spend my entire life listing factors that affect it and never finish.

So first and foremost, you need to lose the idea that there is something “wrong” with you for being a virgin at 29.

If you splashed a bucket of water at a lot of holes in the wall, you would not wonder about what is “wrong” with the last drop to get through the holes would you? Many factors influence this, and it is nothing to do with that last drop itself as to when it gets through the hole.

Similarly most people on the planet are all rushing towards having sex, and some people simply are going to get there before others. There is nothing “wrong” with the ones who get there last any more than the ones who get there first.

As for worrying about a guy being weirder out by it, do not worry at all. I am not one of those guys, nor do I think there is anything WRONG with those guys either, but you will find that most guys are very much turned on by the idea of being with a virgin. I have never understood the appeal myself as I do not see what the BIG difference is, but I am certainly aware that many, if not the majority, of guys like the idea very much indeed.

LegacyUser

Who says it isn't normal? My fiancee was a virgin when I met her - she was also 29. I neither assumed that there was something wrong with her, nor was I weirded out.More to the point,I found it worthy of respect. It also made me feel a little ashamed of myself (not that I had been a raging stud!). I think the main point is that when you meet the right guy, it will all fall into place quite nicely.

LegacyUser

There is something profoundly wrong with a society that makes you think you are abnormal for being a virgin!

There are more virgins in their late-mid 20's than you would think; one study in the Irish Times a few years ago suggested that 1/6 25 year olds were virgins. Given the ridiculous stigma attached to virginity the true figure may have been higher.

As for it turning off a guy; well if it did you're better off without him! A guy should be priviledge that you waited for HIM.

By the way, I am a guy. I lost my virginity aged 31 on my honeymoon to my wife who was a 30 year old virgin.

That was only a few years ago, and we have never regretted it.

gossipgal08

OP am in a silmilar situation. Not too bothered about it. TBH if a guy cant be understanding about it then I'm not sleeping with him

LegacyUser

virgin_at_31 wrote: »

There is something profoundly wrong with a society that makes you think you are abnormal for being a virgin!

You've hit the nail on the head! There is no rush, no competition and no one should feel pressured into losing their virginity. I know for a fact that a good few of my friends (late 20s) are still virgins. There are definitely more people than you think who haven't had their first sexual experience yet.

Take your time OP and don't rush it for the sake of it, and if any guy is 'weirded out' by it, to hell with them!

NKearney50

Women are so easy these days and a lot regret giving it up so easily.

Treasure it and give it to that special person........to have a gift like that to give to someone is amazing.

LegacyUser

OP here.
Thanks for all the replies. Deep down I know it's not abnormal or wrong but sometimes you just get bogged down with thinking about something. There is a stigma attached to it I feel. I mean people are often very open about talking about the sex they have had but no one really wants to talk about the sex they haven't had.
taxAHcruel, I like your throwing water at holes in the wall analogy, that gave me a laugh.
It does reassure me to here that others are in the same situation, sometimes I feel like the only one.
And you are all right, there is no rush. I have waited this long no point rushing it now.

Benincasa

There is a sociological phenomenon called the Spiral of Silence and it is absolutely what is at work here.

People don't reveal that they are virgins; meanwhile the media (and boards.ie!) are full of people discussing their amazing sexual exploits. People then assume that the norm is to have plenty of recreational sex, so more people follow this path while those declining numbers of people who remain virgins become even more embarrassed about the fact and stay even more silent as a result, and the spiral keeps going round and round...

As other posters have said, there are more in the same situation than you realise and there is absolutely nothing wrong with remaining a virgin.

Any guy worth having will love this fact about you.

RhubarbCrumble

OP, I don't think you have anything to be ashamed or worried about. My male friend just saw this post and said that he would much rather someone who was a virgin at 29, than someone of the same age who had slept with a large amount of people, as it shows that you have more respect for yourself, and from a male point of view that it certainly wouldn't frighten men off.

magneticimpulse

Its far better and more accepted i think then sleeping with 200+ people. In fact I think the less people you have slept with, normally guys prefer. Either way "number" is not a huge issue or shouldnt be anyway.

I might have done the relationship and one night stand thing (nothing to be proud about)...and at 29 ive still not settled down. You could be far luckier, you could meet the person you get on with fine and end up speading your life with that person without having any previous bagage or messed up broken relationships. In fact you might have more success, as you know what your looking for and when you find it you will know.

You dont seemed too bothered by it yourself, so its not really a big issue I guess. If your meeting people around that age group...late 20s, into 30s...people are quite mature, so its not going to bother other people. Other people have their own issues as well. So dont worry about what other people might think either

sharper

I think people are veering off into "Well it's better than..." territory.

Some people have lots of sexual experience and others have little or none. There's often a perception that there's something wrong with people who have the "incorrect" amount of experience where of course "incorrect" is defined relative to the experiences and biases of the person making the judgement.

Really the only answer is that it doesn't matter whether it's none or 200. A person with either might have some sort of a problem or they might not, if you're looking to get into a relationship with someone you should probably look a little bit deeper than basic statistics.

kjl

Well, truth be told, I would find this a little strange, but I don't think it would be a deal breaker.

I suppose my worry would be that if you and I were in a committed relationship, I would feel that it would be hard for you to commit completely when you have never had any alternatives. What's to say when you lose your virginity that you wouldn't want to experiment more.

I know you say you are not the one night stand kind of girl, but surely you have heard of flings? I often meet girls, date them for a month or so and move on. You don't have to be in a committed relationship to have sex.

I am not judging you for not having sex, but this is a life experience that should not be missed, I think its time to get cracking and get out there and meet some people.

G-Money

I wouldn't worry about it OP. It might be uncommon these days, however that's a lot different than something being unusual or weird. So don't be worrying about that.

I'm male, 33 and while I'm not a virgin, lets just say had it not been for a stupid drunken mistake years ago, I'd still have been one until earlier this year. In-fact with the way things went, I pretty much considered myself one until earlier this year.

It can be difficult and it can get a person down at times and I understand that. Everyone else seems to be relationship hopping or bed hopping without even trying and it makes me wonder how that's possible. I'm trying less and less to compare myself to others but it can be difficult not to.

Try not to worry about it anyway. If you are happy to wait for someone, then do. People's first times are rarely anything to write home about and are often something they wish they could forget and something they regret. At least that's how it is for me.

I guess the previous poster did raise a good point though. While I don't think guys would be too bothered about a girl being a virgin, if they were interested in a relationship, I guess the guy might be wondering will the girl eventually decide she wants to experiment and be with other people. Which might make him hesitant to get into anything serious. However that really does vary from person to person and you know yourself what you want better than any of us do.

Just do what makes you happy and try not to worry about what everyone else is doing. Chances are that all this sex that other people are having is not all they make it out to be. Some people like to make themselves feel popular so they will constantly talk about their exploits either in the dating world or in the bedroom. I find that behaviour kind of irritating to be honest. It smacks a bit of "look, someone does like me" or "aren't I so popular". By which stage I can't respond as I'm usually in a boredom coma from listening to them

If you want to wait, then do, and don't bow to pressure from people who either wish they had waited or who put it around too much, but want you to pop your cherry to make them feel a bit better about themselves.

NKearney50

NKearney50 wrote: »

Women are so easy these days and a lot regret giving it up so easily.

Treasure it and give it to that special person........to have a gift like that to give to someone is amazing.

Oh, God, this attitude is so sexist and grating. Why does this topic always have to have the 'being a virgin at 29 is worthy of respect' kind of posts? It's not worthy of respect. She hasn't saved someone's life or changed the world, she just happens to have never had a penis in her vagina. I lost my virginity quite late, but I don't see it as some moral achievement. I just didn't meet anyone I liked enough before then. If I'd met an amazing guy at 17, I probably wouldn't have lost my virginity then. It's just a matter of circumstances. This 'giving a gift' stuff is so sexist. Why is it always the women who's giving a gift? Why is it turned into some sort of power game? The woman hasn't had sex yet. That's it. It's about as important as the fact I've never eaten pumpkin. If OP is a bit shy, well that probably means she's not always meeting new people and potential partners, so it's normal that it would take longer to 'click' with someone. Not a big deal at all.

Benincasa

kjl wrote: »

I suppose my worry would be that if you and I were in a committed relationship, I would feel that it would be hard for you to commit completely when you have never had any alternatives. What's to say when you lose your virginity that you wouldn't want to experiment more.

I'm a guy and I really don't buy this at all.

Your argument can be turned on its head and you can look at it in a different way. Somebody who is a virgin longer than the so-called "norm" has, in many instances (though admittedly not in all cases) some degree of self-control and discipline. They have waited until they met somebody they cared about.

Now, who am I going to trust - somebody with self-control and discipline, or somebody who has notched up numerous casual sexual partners and one night stands???

It does not follow that people want to experiment with lots of randomers once they have their sexual awakening.

Benincasa

Isaac Shy Stretcher wrote: »

Oh, God, this attitude is so sexist and grating. Why does this topic always have to have the 'being a virgin at 29 is worthy of respect' kind of posts? It's not worthy of respect.

This 'giving a gift' stuff is so sexist. Why is it always the women who's giving a gift? Why is it turned into some sort of power game?

I couldn't disagree more.

Having some self-control and not sleeping around is in fact worthy of respect, especially given the culture we live in which, in a remarkably perverse way, judges those who lose their virginity a bit later.

Men who wait until they lose their virginity are also giving a gift to those they choose the sleep with. The same principle applies, even though we don't often describe it in that way.

Benincasa

Benincasa wrote: »

I couldn't disagree more.

Having some self-control and not sleeping around is in fact worthy of respect, especially given the culture we live in which, in a remarkably perverse way, judges those who lose their virginity a bit later.

Men who wait until they lose their virginity are also giving a gift to those they choose the sleep with. The same principle applies, even though we don't often describe it in that way.

It's disturbing that not being a virgin to you equals self control and not 'sleeping around'. You do realise it's perfectly possible to have sex with someone because you want to and/or because you love them? What's the point in waiting? What would you be waiting for? What's this magic age at which you think it's appropriate to lose your virginity? I also don't advocate sleeping around for various reasons, but I also don't see it as some kind of achievement if you haven't had sex by a certain age. I certainly didn't find it particularly difficult to wait as long as I did, I just didn't feel comfortable doing it sooner. A personal choice. Hardly makes me a more worthy person than someone who chose to have sex 5 years earlier.

Boskowski

Say you and me went out for a while and eventually it came to IT and then I was told you're a virgin (I'd obviously knew your age by then), yes, it would freak me out a bit as - rightly or wrongly - I'd feel the stakes had been raised quite a bit all of a sudden.

It's probably all wrong but I couldn't help but think 'sugar, she's 29 and I'm the first guy so she must mean business here. Does she expect me to pop "the question" next week?'

I'm not saying 'congratulations' and I'm not saying 'what's wrong with you?'. Everybody's life is different and there is no wrongs or rights. All I'm saying is that this is probably what would come into my mind.

LegacyUser

OP, just don't do it with anyone because you want to loose it. Sex is overrated, it does not define you as a person if you have done it or not. If you do end up with someone in bed there is no need to tell them you haven't done it before, except if you feel like it.

Boskowski

Benincasa wrote: »

I'm a guy and I really don't buy this at all.

Your argument can be turned on its head and you can look at it in a different way. Somebody who is a virgin longer than the so-called "norm" has, in many instances (though admittedly not in all cases) some degree of self-control and discipline. They have waited until they met somebody they cared about.

Now, who am I going to trust - somebody with self-control and discipline, or somebody who has notched up numerous casual sexual partners and one night stands???

It does not follow that people want to experiment with lots of randomers once they have their sexual awakening.

So what you're saying is that you would in general trust people with a healthy sex life less than you would trust someone with a self-imposed celibacy?

Excuse for being a little direct but that is so 19th century and all goes back to when according to our bent religious morals women (supposedly) weren't enjoying sex and having partners. And their virginity was a gift they made to men (who were the only ones wanting sex apparently) and therefore a good girl saved herself for the 'one man'.
I'm not judging someone still hanging (knowingly or unknowingly) onto those believes, but it's not just that all morals are going to the dogs in modern days you know. A lot of the so-called morals are actually stupid and unnatural and self-restraining and make no sense whatsoever in broad daylight.

Ickle Magoo

This isn't a debate between celibacy Vs promiscuity.

Can we keep posts on-topic and relevant to the OP and their request for advice please.

freakmagnet

OP, i would try not be swayed by either extreme sides of the argument - i.e people who are back clapping you because you are woman of 'virtue' or those who suggest get it over and done with! I could imagine its a confusing enough position to be in - you haven't had sex yet, so you're thinking, maybe i should hang on now that its gone this far. The other part of you is thinking, well, sex is something a lot of adults do for fun (or perhaps 'making love', which i don't really buy personally), and well, you could be missing out on loads of fun! I think you should meet somewhere in the middle - all this virtue stuff, as Izzy rightly pointed out, is all sexist clap trap. Work on your social skills see if you can hook up with a nice enough fella - doesn't have to the 'love' of your life, just a nice decent fella that you fancy. And let things move on sexually with him (if you feel it can go that way). The danger here is this is becoming an even bigger deal in your head than it ought to be - particularly with many of the sexist attitudes on here. You sound like a really sensible person - filter out the extreme arguments, trust your own judgement and go for it! Simple as that!

Also, couldn't agree more with Izzy (without getting into the whole debate again). The sexist attitudes on here are mind boggling. And BunnyRabbit.. sure, if sex is overrated, and doesn't define you as person (i agree), then why not lose it with just anyone then?! Completely contradictory.

Benincasa

Boskowski wrote: »

So what you're saying is that you would in general trust people with a healthy sex life less than you would trust someone with a self-imposed celibacy?

As pointed out, this isn't the place for a general philosophical debate.

However, it is important to point out that those who have lots of sex and sexual partners, and those who are celibate (either through choice or circumstance) can either be healthy or unhealthy. The health issue depends on the circumstances. Lots of sex may be healthy physically or psychologically, but depending on the person and the partner, it can also be unhealthy physically or psychologically. Similarly, celibacy may be psychologically healthy or unhealthy depending on the person and circumstances.

Making a generalised comment about the health or otherwise of celibacy (and especially in such loaded terms) is both bogus and unhelpful for the OP.

So too are those who comment on supposed sexist attitudes. Frankly I don't see any; the same principles apply equally to men and women.

The OP was feeling slightly down about being a virgin. The point is that there is nothing abnormal about being a virgin at 29 or any age for that matter, irrespective of whether you are a man or a woman.

arsenallegend

O.P your not alone i'm 29 and a virgin, to be honest it does not bother me a bit I've had chances to lose my virginity but i felt the time wasn't right with the women i was with. I'm old fashioned in that i want it to be special and not some one night stand with somone you barely now. Sadly its made a joke of these days.