Looking for another option

LegacyUser

A few years ago, I met an Irish-American woman online. She lived in the US, but came over a few times. She was unemployed, at a bit of a crossroads in her life and was considering moving to Ireland to do a postgrad, because she “didn’t know what else to do”.

We ended up having a fling, which lasted a few weeks and she got pregnant, just as I was realizing that she was bad news and was about to end things.

My first mistake was to then attempt to have a relationship with her for the good of our future child. This naturally was a disaster and probably caused more damage than good, because it reinforced a fantasy in her mind that we were meant to be together.

After this, I spent months attempting to find a compromise with her – even though I was not going to be with her, I was willing to be there for the child. I paid maintenance from the moment he was born. I paid towards the medical bills of the birth (which she never paid).

When our son was born in the US, I refused to sign the birth cert. This was following advice that it was a legal document there that she could use to simply stay in the US and sue me for child support remotely and the distance and cost would have meant I would have been powerless to do anything about it. So I refused, but offered that I would sign as long as she undertook not to sue me from the US (she was free to sue me from anywhere else). She refused.

I do regret not signing it, but still think it was the right decision, under the circumstances.

She came over to Dublin. Then moved down the country. Then back to the US. Then back to Ireland. Then the US. Then Ireland. For the first six months of his life she would alternate between her mothers second home down the country and their apartment in the US, largely as they cannot live with each other for more than a few weeks. Eventually the latter was lost and she finally applied for and got a four-bedroom house as lone parent in Ireland.

My second mistake was that I did not make a greater effort to see our son during this period. I saw him only two or three times at most, but whenever he was in Ireland, we were at each other’s throats and this made things harder. She was texting me thirty times a day, excluding emails and phone calls. Threats of legal action were a constant topic of her discussions. I had a breakdown from the pressure.

I offered to pay for his christening, so that we could work together and perhaps build from this. Eventually she rejected this – well, I could still pay, but was not really invited – as she did not want me to “play the big man on the day”.

All I wanted was some informal agreement on where I stood. Maintenance, access, not even all that much – I wasn’t even demanding guardianship. She refused any attempt to, what I suspect, would limit her options.

I did not take the legal route. In part because I despise it, in part because I have little faith in how fathers are treated by it, in part because I cannot afford it and, finally, also because even if I won anything through it, she could ignore without consiquence.

Finally, after months of rows and discussions, her rejecting mediation, the week I lost my job, she brought me to court for maintenance, despite the fact I had been paying it, without fail from day one (I was a week late one month, I’ll admit).

This was the final straw. Having lost my job and seeing a recession coming in Ireland, I left. I maintained contact, and continued to seek some form of compromise, but came to the conclusion that there was no hope of compromise or agreement. I had ruined her “fairy tale ending”, as she put it, and I suspect her need for revenge had consumed her. I began to resign myself to waiting until our son was older before I could know him and even tried, for a while, to convince myself that I didn’t care.

It was miserable. But then about a year ago he began to ask for me, and she could not ignore his demands. I jumped at the chance, flew over, stayed for a few days and afterwards increased contact and financial help, encouraged my parents to have greater contact, and finally we planned have a christening and formalize things down the road.

But after I left, something happened. He reacted badly to my departure and this may have made her decide that it was all too much trouble. Another possibility was that she was flirting with me when I was there and the first row we had after I left was that I was in a new relationship (with someone who does not want me to have anything to do with her, and feels that while she’d – now – support my relationship with my son, his mother would only bring us pain).

Whatever it was, she began to obstruct me. I was speaking with him over Skype two or three times a week, and one day I caught her bad mouthing me to him. Then she cut the Skype, because it was “not appropriate”. By the time I saw him again a few months later, I think she’d already decided to phase me out and now has finally terminated all contact.

She went ahead with a christening, informed me a week or so beforehand. I was not involved, nor consulted, despite what we’d discussed. Worse still, she’d already planned it while we were discussing it. It was all a lie.

So I’m back to where I was – waiting for him to grow up enough to have direct contact. Except, I am acutely aware of the brainwashing job she’s already doing on him. Or perhaps I should give up, except I can’t – I tried that and I can’t.

I’ve made mistakes. I’m no saint. However, where I could have simply disappeared, cut all contact and maintenance, I have always, continually, sought to find a compromise. I just think, it’s not really about him for her, but about her own resentment at rejection, and being a single parent when she was banking on the white picket fence, and it kills me because I know that he will suffer for it in the long term.

I just can’t see any other options. I really feel at a dead end. Help?

astra2000

Hi op you maybe better posting this over in the parenting section. There is a great thread on there for single dads looking to get info and help. Well worth reading and there are quiet a few single dads and mums posting there. Best of luck op

ash23

dead end dad wrote: »

When our son was born in the US, I refused to sign the birth cert. This was following advice that it was a legal document there that she could use to simply stay in the US and sue me for child support remotely and the distance and cost would have meant I would have been powerless to do anything about it. So I refused, but offered that I would sign as long as she undertook not to sue me from the US (she was free to sue me from anywhere else). She refused.

In fairness, you made a fairly big mistake there. Putting terms and conditions on whether you put your name on the birth cert is not right.

My second mistake was that I did not make a greater effort to see our son during this period. I saw him only two or three times at most, but whenever he was in Ireland, we were at each other’s throats and this made things harder. She was texting me thirty times a day, excluding emails and phone calls. Threats of legal action were a constant topic of her discussions. I had a breakdown from the pressure.

She was wrong, but so were you. First you refuse to sign his birth cert, then she moves from the US and your child is withing driving distance and you don't try to see him more than once every couple of months?
The time to sort it out would have been then. Threats of legal action were obviously going to be present when you were legally denying your child the right of being your child. Did you try to get the birth cert amended in this time? She wanted your name on the childs birth cert. You were refusing. The only way she could get you to legally acknowledge him is by taking you to court and getting a court ordered DNA test.

I offered to pay for his christening, so that we could work together and perhaps build from this. Eventually she rejected this – well, I could still pay, but was not really invited – as she did not want me to “play the big man on the day”.

I can see why she felt that way. She wasn't right but it would gall me if a man was refusing to sign the childs birth cert and also not seeing the child but wanted to play daddy at the christening.
She also shouldn't use the child but neither should you.

All I wanted was some informal agreement on where I stood. Maintenance, access, not even all that much – I wasn’t even demanding guardianship. She refused any attempt to, what I suspect, would limit her options.

Informal will not work when both parents are at loggerheads. You should have gone to mediation/court and gotten formal and legally binding agreements in order.

I did not take the legal route. In part because I despise it, in part because I have little faith in how fathers are treated by it, in part because I cannot afford it and, finally, also because even if I won anything through it, she could ignore without consiquence.

You would have had more rights than you ended up with. You should have gone for gaurdianship, she might not have been able to go back to the US with the child then. You should have had a formal access agreement in place. I agree that fathers don't have equal treatment but they've even less if they don't do anything at all.

Finally, after months of rows and discussions, her rejecting mediation, the week I lost my job, she brought me to court for maintenance, despite the fact I had been paying it, without fail from day one (I was a week late one month, I’ll admit).

in fairness you weren't seeing the child, weren't going on the birth cert and had just lost your job. She took you to court to ensure she continued getting maintenance. Which is within her rights. You might not like the legal route but that doesn't mean she can't use it.

This was the final straw. Having lost my job and seeing a recession coming in Ireland, I left. I maintained contact, and continued to seek some form of compromise, but came to the conclusion that there was no hope of compromise or agreement. I had ruined her “fairy tale ending”, as she put it, and I suspect her need for revenge had consumed her. I began to resign myself to waiting until our son was older before I could know him and even tried, for a while, to convince myself that I didn’t care.

She moved from the US to Ireland with the child and took you to court and you left the country? You gave up. What compromise could there be? How likely was it that you would see him when you barely saw him and you were living in Ireland?

It was miserable. But then about a year ago he began to ask for me, and she could not ignore his demands. I jumped at the chance, flew over, stayed for a few days and afterwards increased contact and financial help, encouraged my parents to have greater contact, and finally we planned have a christening and formalize things down the road.

Thats great. It shows that it can be done when you both put your minds to it.

But after I left, something happened. He reacted badly to my departure and this may have made her decide that it was all too much trouble. Another possibility was that she was flirting with me when I was there and the first row we had after I left was that I was in a new relationship (with someone who does not want me to have anything to do with her, and feels that while she’d – now – support my relationship with my son, his mother would only bring us pain).

How was a relationship with your child ever going to work if you are living abroad and your new partner is refusing to allow you to have anything to do with the mother of your child? I've been down that road and its shíte. And you need to accept that this woman will always be the mother of your child and therefore you will have to be in contact with her about him.

Whatever it was, she began to obstruct me. I was speaking with him over Skype two or three times a week, and one day I caught her bad mouthing me to him. Then she cut the Skype, because it was “not appropriate”. By the time I saw him again a few months later, I think she’d already decided to phase me out and now has finally terminated all contact.

Dont agree with her doing that at all but then again, it's hard watching your child be confused and upset because daddy is gone again. It's a big thing for a child to meet a parent and then have them leave and maybe she was (incorrectly) thinking he'd be better off without you coming and going in his life. Many people do feel that way.

She went ahead with a christening, informed me a week or so beforehand. I was not involved, nor consulted, despite what we’d discussed. Worse still, she’d already planned it while we were discussing it. It was all a lie.

You'd seen the child a handful of times. She sees him every day. She arranged it her way. Which imo is understandable when you aren't a big feature in the childs life. She told you about it, invited you etc.

So I’m back to where I was – waiting for him to grow up enough to have direct contact. Except, I am acutely aware of the brainwashing job she’s already doing on him. Or perhaps I should give up, except I can’t – I tried that and I can’t.

Don't give up.

I’ve made mistakes. I’m no saint. However, where I could have simply disappeared, cut all contact and maintenance, I have always, continually, sought to find a compromise. I just think, it’s not really about him for her, but about her own resentment at rejection, and being a single parent when she was banking on the white picket fence, and it kills me because I know that he will suffer for it in the long term.

I just can’t see any other options. I really feel at a dead end. Help?

Being a single parent is hard and it can make you angry when someone dashes the hopes you had as a family. However, I have seen people parent apart and make it work. But it does take more effort on both your part and on hers.
Sending her money and skyping the child isn't enough. You need to have a formal, written arrangement in place for reasonable access and you need to stick to it. She may be bitter about the way things ended up but that doesn't mean she has romantic notions of you. If you can be a consistently good father to the child, that bitterness and hardness towards you will ease and things will become easier.

If I were you I'd make another attempt. Write to her, say you would like to be a father to the child. Outline how you are going to do that for eg, putting your name on his birth cert, giving a breakdown of the kind of access and contact you would like. Put forward a proposal for how this is going to work long term and ask her to make any amendments she feels would be more appropriate.
Decide on the things that you DO agree on and start from there, working out the things you don't agree on and ironing out the kinks.
And for the love of god, don't flake on it. If you say you are going to ring twice a week, ring. If you are going to skype, skype. If you say you are going to visit once a month then be there. Ask for updates on his progress, pictures, what advances he is making, how he is getting on in creche/school etc.
Show you are serious about being a parent. An actual parent with all that goes with it.


Most people go through a rough period of adjustment and anger following a split. There can be a lot of anger and sniping but over time it fades and people move on.
However, if you run away or allow a third party to dictate things (your girlfriend) then you'll never get to that stage with her.

I wouldn't tolerate 30 calls a day or any sort of abuse. But neither would I tolerate a parent who holds signing a birth cert over my head or flees the country when I go to court to get maintenance orders in place.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

In fairness, you made a fairly big mistake there. Putting terms and conditions on whether you put your name on the birth cert is not right.

No, it wasn't right, which is why I said I regretted it, even at the time, however our son was born in the US and if I had signed this document she could have happily remained there, sued me for child support and I would not have the means to do anything. This was not something I chose to do lightly, and I received advice from to lawyers (one in Ireland and one in the US) who both told me the same thing.

Instead, I sought a compromise, explained my fears, and was more than willing to sign. Whether she was simply unwilling to compromise or my fears were justified, she rejected this. I would have accepted a verbal assurance at that stage that she was not going to do this, but even this she refused to give.

You would have had more rights than you ended up with.

I don't know, but on balance I doubt it. Legal action of any kind always poisons relations even further, to begin with. However, it was mainly a combination of cost and a complete lack of faith in the system really stopped me from perusing this course.

She took you to court to ensure she continued getting maintenance. Which is within her rights. You might not like the legal route but that doesn't mean she can't use it.

She only learned that I lost my job the day she informed me that the summons was already on the way (great week - to top it off my rent got hiked up). Ultimately, I don't care if it was her legal right - more correctly I do not respect what she did. The same week I was still pleading with her to find a way to move forward together, even asking that we should go via mediation. She rejected it all.

Thats great. It shows that it can be done when you both put your minds to it.

Our son did this. To his credit he forced us to, temporarily albeit, work together. I'm very proud that he was able to do this so young.

How was a relationship with your child ever going to work if you are living abroad and your new partner is refusing to allow you to have anything to do with the mother of your child?

Her position is flexible now and if not I will always choose my son first. Her primary concern is the harassment that this woman caused, that nearly destroyed us both, so I can understand where she's coming from - it took a year before she stopped jumping whenever a text arrived on my phone.

Dont agree with her doing that at all but then again, it's hard watching your child be confused and upset because daddy is gone again. It's a big thing for a child to meet a parent and then have them leave and maybe she was (incorrectly) thinking he'd be better off without you coming and going in his life. Many people do feel that way.

I don't know what her logic was. Chances are it was a mixture of things. TBH, I do not believe shes a very stable person emotionally.

You'd seen the child a handful of times. She sees him every day. She arranged it her way. Which imo is understandable when you aren't a big feature in the childs life. She told you about it, invited you etc.

You don't seem to understand; she agreed to do this TOGETHER, while at the same time she had already organized this. She LIED to me about her intentions to do this with me, then HID her lie until a week before (when it was realistically too late for me to come over) to tell me.

The point is we had made an agreement last February, on my first trip. We were finally working together, slowly but surely building trust (neither of us has much trust in the other). All the while, she knew she would not keep her word, perhaps already knew that all the other moves towards some form of normalization of relations was a sham.

Sending her money and skyping the child isn't enough. You need to have a formal, written arrangement in place for reasonable access and you need to stick to it.

I have been looking for this for four years - I even proposed one three years ago, which she rejected out of hand. I've come to the conclusion that she does not want any agreement, because that binds and limits her. She holds all the cards, besides our son's happiness, and that she can rationalize away.

If I were you I'd make another attempt. Write to her, say you would like to be a father to the child. Outline how you are going to do that for eg, putting your name on his birth cert, giving a breakdown of the kind of access and contact you would like. Put forward a proposal for how this is going to work long term and ask her to make any amendments she feels would be more appropriate.

Been there. Done that. Rejected.

And for the love of god, don't flake on it. If you say you are going to ring twice a week, ring. If you are going to skype, skype.

I did. Consistently, until she chose to stop it (shortly after I caught her badmouthing me to him). I think the only thing we agreed to that I was poor at was sending him stuff in the post - but this is largely because I have no idea what I could send him beyond toys and other gifts, which is not really what was meant.

I stick to my word, when I give it. But what you don't seem to understand is that she was the one who broke hers. She shut things down after my first visit and now does not even accept my emails.

Look, I know I've made mistakes, but I know I'm not here solely because of them.

ash23

dead end dad wrote: »

Look, I know I've made mistakes, but I know I'm not here solely because of them.

No, but she's not where she is solely because of her mistakes either.

Long and the short of it, you've both made a total shíte of things up until now. Not just her. You played a role too.

She might not change, she might. But you can't control what she does, only what you do from here on in.

It's so sad that it was up to your son to try and get the pair of you to get along. That is not a childs responsibility.

You've a couple of choices. Either plug away at it, do the best you can and hope it results in a better relationship for you and your son.
Or give up.

I had all manner of crap with my ex but I plugged away at it and in time it improved. He used to use our daughter as a threat. If I didn't do something then he was no longer going to see her.
I used to rise to the bait but I stopped and we pretty much ignore each other now, only getting in contact to discuss access. We also arrange access for 6 months at a time (once a month) and lock it in.
There's some flexibility but I wanted stability for my child. It wasn't about control, it was about knowing what was going on and limiting my contact with him.

We still have moments where we disagree. I've given up on trying to include him in birthdays, christmas etc as he just has no interest and I was upsetting myself trying to make him interested.
My point is that much as you may think she is a basketcase, she is the mother of your child. You chose to have a relationship with her and now have a child with her. And you're stuck with that as a result of choices you made.
Your job now is to find the best way to deal with the situation you find yourself in. Not best for you, best for your child.

And if that means gritting your teeth and being super nice to her then so be it.
Don't let her abuse you or hound you. But you can't dictate to her either.

All you can do is keep offering to take the child. Send her a list of dates, by reg post if necessary.

My main concern when dealing with my ex was that when our daughter was a teenager, I could turn to her and in all honesty say "I did everything I could to facilitate a relationship for you and your dad".
You need to be able to look your son in the eye and say "I did everything I could to have a relationship with you".

I don't think either statements above can be uttered by you or your ex.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

No, but she's not where she is solely because of her mistakes either.

Long and the short of it, you've both made a total shíte of things up until now. Not just her. You played a role too.

She might not change, she might. But you can't control what she does, only what you do from here on in.

It's so sad that it was up to your son to try and get the pair of you to get along. That is not a childs responsibility.

You've a couple of choices. Either plug away at it, do the best you can and hope it results in a better relationship for you and your son.
Or give up.

I had all manner of crap with my ex but I plugged away at it and in time it improved. He used to use our daughter as a threat. If I didn't do something then he was no longer going to see her.
I used to rise to the bait but I stopped and we pretty much ignore each other now, only getting in contact to discuss access. We also arrange access for 6 months at a time (once a month) and lock it in.
There's some flexibility but I wanted stability for my child. It wasn't about control, it was about knowing what was going on and limiting my contact with him.

We still have moments where we disagree. I've given up on trying to include him in birthdays, christmas etc as he just has no interest and I was upsetting myself trying to make him interested.
My point is that much as you may think she is a basketcase, she is the mother of your child. You chose to have a relationship with her and now have a child with her. And you're stuck with that as a result of choices you made.
Your job now is to find the best way to deal with the situation you find yourself in. Not best for you, best for your child.

And if that means gritting your teeth and being super nice to her then so be it.
Don't let her abuse you or hound you. But you can't dictate to her either.

All you can do is keep offering to take the child. Send her a list of dates, by reg post if necessary.

My main concern when dealing with my ex was that when our daughter was a teenager, I could turn to her and in all honesty say "I did everything I could to facilitate a relationship for you and your dad".
You need to be able to look your son in the eye and say "I did everything I could to have a relationship with you".

I don't think either statements above can be uttered by you or your ex.

Hi i think a lot of women feel like this that they want to be able to say to their child that they did all they could to encourage a relationship with the Dad.

I never lived with my Dad, i would tell you now as an adult i am so glad i didnt! My mother pushed us into having a relationship with him and it was a very bad situation, he was immature, selfish, perverted, young, and just an all-round bad influence, he never created any bond with us, so i grew up with no bond with him and not looking at him as my father.

I am ok with that as an adult. I only wish my mother had not exposed us to him so much, when we get older we can see for ourselves, and even when i was a kid i knew he was not nice, so i think that if mothers can see that the dad is not nice and not making any effort i wouldn't be too quick to accommodate him. He has to take responsibility and want to be part of the child for it to work, if he doesn't want to do that then i personally think it is a waist of time,

i would say that my Granddad is my real father, and he provided that bond for me, i am very accepting of the situation with my family, my mother was a single mother and it was very hard she made mistakes, i dont resent anyone, today i treat the relationship with my Dad as such, he texts me once in a while and thats it, i have forgiven him but i dont think i have to force something that is not there or not real.


I just wanted to give some insight into the child point of view as we mature into an adult, these days kids are much more able to see the truths, and your child will know if they felt their father tried or not, you are the parent, working hard providing, if the father is not- then he is not the father IMO. The relationship has to be mourned for the child but better to be realistic about it and move in then wonder if he is your Dad.

I just think if any parent doesnt take responsibility for their children it is their choice and their loss, and it is important that the child forgive that and move on and reconize the place you do get love from.

Distorted

The matters you complain of - lack of formalised access, her insecurity over maintenance payments, your authorised contact - would all be better formalised in a legal agreement. I don't see how that can be worse than your current situation. It would be fairer for the child as well - particularly so that he can see that you cared enough about him to get a proper, formal legal agreement drawn up so that you can maintain contact with him. Doing it any other way is always going to be fraught and irregular. You are the adult and you are the one that can take responsibility for this situation and take steps to formalise it at the very least.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses.

"No, but she's not where she is solely because of her mistakes either."

I completely accept this. Which is why I believe that only by turning the page would there be any hope. I don't think she can - more correctly, I think she can only turn the page by cutting me out, which is what I think is presently happening.

"You need to be able to look your son in the eye and say "I did everything I could to have a relationship with you"."

It's a fair point, but how far is 'everything'? Abduction is an option after all, and falls into the everything category, but are you really suggesting that too?

I understand that what you probably mean is 'everything reasonable' and in fairness it is difficult to judge if something is reasonable or not. It's a constant question I ask myself.

I had health issues as a result of all this in the first year and my doctor politely said to me that either I could have a relationship with my son now or when he's older, but if I do the first, I won't live to do the other. This scare put things in perspective for me unfortunately.

"You chose to have a relationship with her and now have a child with her. And you're stuck with that as a result of choices you made."

Well, I didn't really, which is part of the problem. We were physically together for a combined total of under a month when she got pregnant, by which time I had realized that it was not going to work out between us.

When she did fall pregnant, I did attempt a relationship with her (for the good of our son), which was in retrospect a huge mistake, as we were ill suited to begin with and this just prolonged the problem - naturally it fell apart within a few short months.

At core I believe that she did have a future with me planned out from day one. I cannot say if her pregnancy was deliberate or planned (there are timing issues that lead me to believe that this was at least in part true), but even if not I think she never forgave that I did not want to be with her because her "fairy tale ending" was something she admitted to subsequently.

That's not to say that I am not paying the price for my libido, but I am also paying for her choices too. As is our son.

"And if that means gritting your teeth and being super nice to her then so be it.
Don't let her abuse you or hound you. But you can't dictate to her either."

I've no problem being super nice to her. I got over any resentment or anger towards her a long time ago. However, my experience of her is that she craves attention - if I ignore her abuse, she ups the ante until she gets the attention she feels she deserves. This in the past has led to threats, obstruction and legal action.

Unless she can deal with that, it's going to be sheer Hell.

"The matters you complain of - lack of formalised access, her insecurity over maintenance payments, your authorised contact - would all be better formalised in a legal agreement. I don't see how that can be worse than your current situation."

And she would break any such agreement before long - I've no doubt of that. And when she does, there's really not a lot I can do because only maintenance orders are ever enforced, something I have regrettably learned about the system. Access orders are not. Guardianship rights (outside of the case of abduction or adoption) are not.

All before you consider that she and I are in different countries and I would have to make any attempt to enforce such agreements from abroad - something I have looked into and have discovered would be prohibitively expensive to begin with.

So any legal agreement is really only as good as either the good will to abide by it or the ability to enforce it. And as neither is there, it makes it a dead end.

At this stage if I thought it would do any good, I would go down the legal route in a shot (even though I hate the idea of it even on principle). I just don't think it would do any good.

Seriously, I've considered most or all of these options. I've weighed them up and outside of hopeless romantic gestures they would in most cases cause more harm than good.

There was a lot of hope a year ago and it appeared that there was good will on all sides, but for some reason it vanished and the stalemate returned. All I can say is whatever about the past, I really do not believe that I caused this failure - she seemed to have an almost inexplicable and overnight change of heart and I'm still unsure as to why (she's given reasons but none of them add up, are contradictory or even factually incorrect/impossible). So there's something there and I can't fathom it, let alone fix it.

I think all I can do is plug away and hope that time will change things. And if it doesn't, he'll eventually grow old enough to deal with me directly. And that is when I will have to work twice as hard to make up for lost time.

I just wish there was another solution.

Nevyn

Re writing and sending things to your child, when they are young pictures often are best to send. Write to him about your day and things you see and try and includ him in your life. Keep copies of all the letters, so you can how them to them when they are older if the level of spite is such they would not reach the child or the mother gets sick of them and starts destroying them.

While going the legal route may seem futile you will have legal records that you did try and again access to your child and when shown them when he will older the questions won't be "You never wanted me in your life" to 'Mother why didn't you let my Father see me."

Another one is to make recordings of you reading for the child to listen to, and send him the books. Hopefully they would be gracious received and given to the child. There are always 3 sides to every story esp when there is a child invovled, parenting apart is not easy and often it becomes far to toxic a situation where the adults involved act out of spite to each other and don't put the child first or twist putting the child first to remove the other parent for no good reason.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Re writing and sending things to your child, when they are young pictures often are best to send. Write to him about your day and things you see and try and includ him in your life. Keep copies of all the letters, so you can how them to them when they are older if the level of spite is such they would not reach the child or the mother gets sick of them and starts destroying them.

She already began at that a while back. I gave him a book that had belonged to me, for when he was older, and wrote a small dedication on the lines of "love you very much" and she flipped at this. Then she 'lost' the book a few weeks later.

While going the legal route may seem futile you will have legal records that you did try and again access to your child and when shown them when he will older the questions won't be "You never wanted me in your life" to 'Mother why didn't you let my Father see me."

I hadn't thought of it that way. Thanks. That's not to say that it's convinced me that legal action is the way to go, but it has reopened the option for me in my mind.

She has her 'lucid moments', as I call them, where she steps back and for a moment does concede that there may be a problem at her end, or that things are not as simple as my being the devil incarnate (or Darth Vader apparently), unfortunately they don't last which is why the last four years have been this torturous process of a bit of progress and hope, I make an act of good faith, followed by her pulling the rug from under me. Again.