Why wont he spend time with me?

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Sorry this is really long but I just need opinions on this...

Ive been with my fella 8 years. When we first got together we would spend loads of time partying and traveling together.

Fast forward 4 years, and my OH decides he would much rather do this with his mates. So off he goes on snow holidays and summer holidays/weekends away with the lads. We are both extremely active so these holidays are right up my alley. I asked him why I couldn't come along to some and he said to me "there are some things I want to do with the lads and then there are some things I want to do with you".

So instead of missing out on these things, I started doing them with my girl mates and having a brilliant time. I would want him to come along and invite him to any of my fun holidays, sports weekends etc, but he wouldn't really be interested. So after 2 years of this, I got fed up and told him enough is enough and we need to start doing things together as a couple and that I am hurt he doesn't want to do things with me...so he agreed to start doing more with me.

We have been on one holiday, and one weekend away alone in the last 2 years. He doesnt like me coming out with him and his best mates. And when I organized a weekend for his bday, I told a whole heap of both his and my mates to come and we spent the whole night mingling with our mates and not socializing together. His mates would also take him with them when on the prowl (scanning for girls)in the club so I wouldn't really see him and I sometimes feel it would be better if I wasnt there.

Would this be normal of a fella not wanting to do things with his girl? Whenever we spend time together we usually stay in or go for dinner. Im 25 now and feel like dancing and going away for the weekends while we still can, with no kids or responsibilities. We do all these things seperately...just not together. Although, when his mate had a girlfriend, we would do loads of things with them. But that was years ago, and now my mates have boyfriends and he wouldnt really be bothered getting to know them.

Any advice would be a great help. thanks for reading!

LegacyUser

what bothers me about your OP is that when suggested that you take more time together as a couple, he pulled back.....bad sign

this happened to me - i begged my OH to go away with me alone on hols/do couply stuff and he kept making excuses, going with teh lads instead, or inviting loads of ppl away on anniversary weekends together....when we split, he told me the truth, it wasn't that he hated holidays - he just didn't want to go with me....ur boy is telling u this now, to ur face......how does that feel? I know I felt the rejection without being told upfront and put up with it because I thought it was healthy to have time apart, but being pushed away and ignored when u tell him there is an issue that needs sorting, is him telling u he just isn't bothered trying to sort it.

now maybe it's cos he doesn't realise how imp this is to u - but if u've brought it up, and you have, and he hasn't tried to meet you half way on this, well, there's ur cue that maybe he's not bothered with the relationship

Distorted

Sounds like he wants the comfort of having a girlfriend while living a bit of the single life too. Either ditch him or find a platonic male friend to do stuff with and see if it makes him jealous enough to actually do anything. Then if you have to dump him, watch him being the lonely one when all his mates get girlfriends and he's left with no-one to go out with.

S23

Yep it's a case of having his cake and eating it. He lives a single life and has you to go home to.

All I will say is that you've been together 8 years and you're only 25. Now people will come on here and tell you they fell in love with their wife/husband at 15-16-17 and have been happy together for the last 30/40/50 years.

However, in most cases, thats probably too young to be tied down. Your late teens/early twenties are generally the time for people to go out and see the world and learn different things. Whether thats different kinds of relationships/friends/whatever.

I doesn't sound like you are living together either. 8 years together, money for socialising/holidays etc.. and still not living together? Alarm bells IMO.

You're probably both just used to being with someone at this stage. I'd take a good, long hard look at the overall situation if I was you. Best of luck

And also, NO, 'scanning for girls' or 'going on the prowl' in the club isn't normal or acceptable for a boyfriend when he's on a night out with his OH

HavingCrack

Distorted wrote: »

Sounds like he wants the comfort of having a girlfriend while living a bit of the single life too. Either ditch him or find a platonic male friend to do stuff with and see if it makes him jealous enough to actually do anything. Then if you have to dump him, watch him being the lonely one when all his mates get girlfriends and he's left with no-one to go out with.

Please don't do this to a male friend. There's enough stories on boards about male friends having feelings for their female friends who aren't returning them. There's no need to hurt someone else to get back at your boyfriend.

Distorted

I didn't mean that, thats why I said "platonic male friend". I have platonic male friends I go on holiday with, go to the cinema with and go to parties with and I guess other women do too!

LegacyUser

Hey OP here,

Thanks all for your advice. A little more info on the story...we are living together, we have been since we were 17. We both have different things on 4 nights a week so we have one night where we might sit in and watch telly together. And then our weekends I used to try and plan around his plans, but now I make my own plans and if he wants too he can come or not.
I broke it off with him the 6th year because we weren't doing anything fun together, a month later he was back and he promised he would try. We went on a holiday that year together.
Just recently (8th year) I broke it off again because of the same thing. This time it was for a good few months, but he wouldnt really take me seriously and he would come and see me all the time and finally then he talked me back round promising he would try better...I told him it was his final chance, because it does make me feel bad that he doesn't want to do things together.
Dont get me wrong, we do things together, dinner/movie/walks etc,and for a while I was grateful for them. And I dont expect to be with him all the time, and I do like to do alot of things with my girls. But when it comes to exciting things that I am really good at (surfing, snow holidays,trekking, partying etc) he never wanted me to do any of it. Now after our last break he says he finally wants to do them with me...but I cant understand why he wouldnt have wanted to do them with me in the first place, and also we've only done one day of adventure since and its been a couple of months since we got back together. Am I a fool for staying?

Wompa1

Distorted wrote: »

I didn't mean that, thats why I said "platonic male friend". I have platonic male friends I go on holiday with, go to the cinema with and go to parties with and I guess other women do too!

Chris Rock said there's no such thing as a platonic straight male friend for women. They are the back up d!ck. Break class in case of emergency. My girlfriend has alot of straight male colleague or associates she would work with and they all go out in a group mix of women and men which is fine. If she started going out alone with a male friend I wouldn't like it at all. Becareful about trying to make him jealous. I broke up with a girl for constantly trying to make me jealous...if your guy is like me he'll notice it won't give you the satisfaction of reacting until it becomes a major problem that ends the relationship

sun_moon_stars

That seems a bit unfair that ye have broken up over this before and things really haven't changed in the length of time since ye got back together even if ye had a weekend together twice a month it would be a start i think there should be a balance of both friend time and couple time give it a while and see how thing's go and as soon as your noticing things slipping back to the way they were then you should finish it if your not happy

Beruthiel

justnotsurewhy wrote: »

Im 25 now and feel like dancing and going away for the weekends while we still can, with no kids or responsibilities. We do all these things seperately...just not together.

Well, you've broken up over this and he promised to make an effort.
It hasn't happened.
It won't happen.
He is clearly not that interested and you can't make him be.
You just don't tell your partner they cannot join you on holiday if they really want to. Not if you're actually in a committed relationship.
I get a man wanting to hang out with his mates for a night out or whatever. That's a good thing.
But to want to constantly go on holidays with them and insisting that you can't. Nope, I'm not getting that one, nor would I stand for it.

Wonkagirl

Ah yes, ''the lads''.. many a relationship has been broken because of ''the lads''..

This does not on any level sound positive to me. You guys have been together since your late teens- too young to settle down for a start.. well, at least for him it appears to be.

He isnt making you happy- FACT. He's not going to change- FACT.

You need to end the relationship for the reasons outlined imho, if he steps up to the plate and changes as required as a result of this 'scare', then well and good. You have to be able to walk away though, it cant just be a 'threat'.

Do you really want to face into a life of this? He will get worse, if anything. You've seen that already.

Be strong, and take action. You deserve more, you deserve to be happy and you're not.

It must be embarrassing to constantly be making excuses as to his whereabouts, is it? or having to explain to your girlfriends that he's away with 'the lads' again? I'd be morto if it was me anyway.

Is he the same age?

kylith

Why won't he spend time with you? Because he doesn't have to. You haven't made an issue about him going away with the lads. You haven't made an issue about not spending any time together at weekends. You haven't made an issue about his refusal to go away on holiday with just you. And yet you still sleep with him. He's having a great time living the life of a single lad but with a woman at home waiting for him, to cook and clean, and wash his clothes and warm his bed.

You say that you've broken up with him before but that he didn't take you seriously; that's because you didn't make him take you seriously. If you break up with him again (and I would, if I were you) don't return his calls or texts, don't call or text him, tell him not to call round, if he calls round tell him to go away, generally move on and find someone who treats you like you want to be treated and who'll appreciate you and want to spend time with you.

Wonkagirl

yeah, kylith is totally right.. this guy is having his cake and eating it, to the extreme! it's every mans dream really.. security, yet a bit of craic with ''the lads''.. freedom, yet all the pluses of a relationship..

also, i'm sorry, but do you not suspect he's been with other girls? highly likely i'm afraid.. imho, a stronger chance that he has been than he hasnt. all those weeks away with ''the lads''? are any of said ''lads'' in relationships?

i'm not saying he's a bad person, or a cheater, but he's a guy in his early-mid 20s (assuming)- he's doing what he shoudl be doing at his age..

StarryMoon0

Wompa1 wrote: »

Chris Rock said there's no such thing as a platonic straight male friend for women. They are the back up d!ck. Break class in case of emergency. My girlfriend has alot of straight male colleague or associates she would work with and they all go out in a group mix of women and men which is fine. If she started going out alone with a male friend I wouldn't like it at all. Becareful about trying to make him jealous. I broke up with a girl for constantly trying to make me jealous...if your guy is like me he'll notice it won't give you the satisfaction of reacting until it becomes a major problem that ends the relationship

Whoa!
Some people can actually have platonic friends of the opposite gender.
I don't have a lot of girlfriends, reasons are personal, but lets just say there's some abuse in my background and I don't feel safe with females. As well, I'm not the girly type to talk about coronation street or what other drivel is on TV at the mo.
My best mates are straight males. I go for coffee, drinks, movies with them, and there is absolutley nothing there other than freindship. Nothing would ever ever happen because they are mates, full stop.
If I ever felt that a male mate was feeling more, I'd address it immediatly.
Also, my OH is also mates with most of these guys. He trusts me as I have never acted beyond reproach in any of my friendships and he knows the reason why I choose male friends over females.

However, you are dead right about not using another guy to make him jealous. Thats just plain immature and in the end will come to no good.

Be well