My friend is having sex, how can I help him?

karaokeman

Hi all.

Sorry if no one has been in this situation before but I would really appreciate some advice.
I've recently learned that my 17 year old friend has started having sex with his now girlfriend that just turned 15 over the summer.
I know that the two of them are using condoms but I am still concerned for his sake. I'm afraid of the trouble my mate could get into when his parents/her parents and other sources find out that he has been engaging in such activities with a minor.
I don't know how to cope with this situation, he is my first friend to lose his virginity and I'm not sure whether I should let his parents know or whatever.

If anyone has any advice on what I could do, it would be much appreciated.

kjl

OK, Im going to give you the best advice you will get here. Stay out of his business or you WILL lose him as a friend.

Who cares if he is sleeping with his girlfriend? That is his and his girlfriends business. You have no right, to go around telling his mum.

I understand you are only 17 so you are still a bit lost in this area, but trust me, if you don't want to lose your friend, just stay out of it.

You said yourself he is using condoms so he is safe. He is not going to die.

Are you per chance a little jealous?

LegacyUser

The OP's concern is that his friend is having sex with a minor.

OP, I've never come across a person your age who would write a sentence like this

'I'm afraid of the trouble my mate could get into when his parents/her parents and other sources find out that he has been engaging in such activities with a minor.'

But my advice would be to do nothing. Say nothing. Not because you will lose this guy as a friend if you do, but more because this really is none of your business.

Adam

stay out of it, unless you think it's not consensual. in what possible way could you getting involved result in a happy ending for everyone?

jessiejam

I would agree with previous posters. Not your business. I would however drop the hint about her parents finding out, them having a row and being brought to court for statutory rape. Consensual or not.

If they're gonna do it nothing you say or do will stop them, but just make him aware of the consequenses if it all goes horribly wrong. It often does.

Fair dues to you for looking out for your mate though.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Do not tell his parents unless you want to lose a friend and your reputation.

It is risky. Going on 18 trying to explain you've knocked up a 15 year old is hard to deal with.

I'd say your best bet is to tell him what to do to be as safe as possible. If I'm sleeping with a girl I'd dread getting pregnant I double check the condom is on properly, every so often check it is still safely on right and pull out before I finish. Pulling out gets a bad name as people think it is safe in itself but if it is done in conjunction with condom use it significantly reduces chances of pregnancy.

Yeah these things may slightly take away from the experience but she is 15 ffs

Taltos

Yes - fair dues to you for looking out for your mate.
Who is looking out for the child in all this?

Dr. Zeus

OP,

You sound like a decent guy. I am sure your friend is so caught up in having sex for the first time he is probably not thinking about potential consequences about sex with a minor.

I wouldn't involve the parents but is he is such a close friend I would casually say something about what would happen if her parents found out with her being a minor ( ie. you could get done for statutory rape) or what would you do if she got pregnant. Maybe that would provide a little reality check about what could go wrong.

After that there is nothing more you can do - its up to him to make his own choices/mistakes.

I do think you are right to be concerned tho. It doesn't matter how mature this girl is, in the eyes of the law and her parents I imagine, she is still a minor. Apart from the parents if the relationship fell apart what's to say she wouldn't make accusations on her own. You just never know.

So I guess just say your piece in the interest of looking out for your mate and leave it at that.

karaokeman

Thanks all.
I was actually not planning on telling his parents the full story, just to look out for their son in his relationship.
Other than that I might just talk to him and tell him what I think would be safe.
Cheers, I was kinda worried that with this thread I would get a bad name. But it makes all the difference that you all understand I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything, just looking for ideas about what would be the best thing to do.

Taltos

Not a jerk at all.
A decent friend who sees potentially the world of pain his friend is facing...

FYI - when there is fallout from this take care of yourself - don't get dragged into anything...

Maybe advise your friend and even consider distancing yourself...

Still want to know though who is looking out for the child/minor in all this. I am sure at 15 she feels like she owns the world, remember how I felt but things and outlooks change rapidly in just a few years...
Remember here was a court case just a few months ago from Galway(?) of someone either 13 / 15 recording sex with adults and those adults being prosecuted...

This is the only one I can find of note after a quick search: http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/ireland/2009/0219/1224241416790.html

Dr. Zeus

Its obvious that you are not trying to be a jerk at all.

I wouldn't "tell him what I think would be safe" that might get his back up like you are forcing your views on him.

Maybe a more casual "dude just looking out for have you thought about xyz"

Good luck.

tinkerbell

kjl wrote: »

OK, Im going to give you the best advice you will get here. Stay out of his business or you WILL lose him as a friend.

Who cares if he is sleeping with his girlfriend? That is his and his girlfriends business. You have no right, to go around telling his mum.

I understand you are only 17 so you are still a bit lost in this area, but trust me, if you don't want to lose your friend, just stay out of it.

You said yourself he is using condoms so he is safe. He is not going to die.

Are you per chance a little jealous?

You clearly don't get the point of the OP's post here ... the problem with his friend having sex with a 15 yr old is that he could get done for statutory rape since she is a minor.

It's nothing to do with jealousy.

What if it doesn't work out and then the girlfriend tells everyone they were having sex? Then his friend will have major problems to deal with.

OP, you are a good friend for looking out for him like this. Just talk to him, and make sure he's well aware of what his actions could cause. That's all you can do unfortunately, and if he doesn't listen, well then that's his problem, you've done all you can.

karaokeman

tinkerbell wrote: »

You clearly don't get the point of the OP's post here ... the problem with his friend having sex with a 15 yr old is that he could get done for statutory rape since she is a minor.

It's nothing to do with jealousy.

What if it doesn't work out and then the girlfriend tells everyone they were having sex? Then his friend will have major problems to deal with.

OP, you are a good friend for looking out for him like this. Just talk to him, and make sure he's well aware of what his actions could cause. That's all you can do unfortunately, and if he doesn't listen, well then that's his problem, you've done all you can.

Thank you, best comment so far.
I am not by any means jealous of my friend.
I will try my best not to get involved, but maybe if he brings the subject to me again I could casually say "well your still young, try to enjoy yourself while you can" or something like that. I will do my best not to "force my views" on him because I respect other people's opinions.

tenchi-fan

i agree with other posters here.. stay out of it.

LegacyUser

Something doesn't wash with me here. You're talking like a much, much older person than your friend OP. Saying 'I was actually not planning on telling his parents the full story, just to look out for their son in his relationship' is not something I have ever heard a 17/18year old guy articulate about their 17/18yr old friend.

I'm not saying you're trolling - I just think another lad your age would just talk to his mate and not speak in such an 'old' way about this situation.

The obvious advice would be fore you to talk to him, pull him aside and spell out the consequences of his actions and the possible pitfalls.

But what kind of relationship have you got with this guy OP? Does he respect your opinion? Would he take your advice?

Benincasa

kjl wrote: »

Who cares if he is sleeping with his girlfriend? That is his and his girlfriends business. You have no right, to go around telling his mum.

Actually the law cares, and if I was that girl's father i would care.

You need to make sure your friend is fully aware of the potentially serious consequences he could face here.

poisonated

I would say you should say the thing about the age difference in a light hearted way to your friend. I don't really think it is a big deal tbh. Especially if they have known each other for a long time. If they just met randomly and had sex I would be worried though.

Moomoo1

just tell them to be careful about being found out...

they sound like sensible kids, so all should be well otherwise.

PS http://www.salon.com/life/sex/index.html?story=/mwt/broadsheet/2010/09/07/netherlands_teen_sex

Fittle

Moomoo1 wrote: »

just tell them to be careful about being found out...

they sound like sensible kids, so all should be well otherwise.

PS http://www.salon.com/life/sex/index.html?story=/mwt/broadsheet/2010/09/07/netherlands_teen_sex

Sorry, but the 17 year old having sex with the 15 year old sounds like sensible kids (I assume you mean because he's using condoms).

At what point in this scenario do you, as an adult, assume that a 17yr old having sex with a 15 year old is sensible??

Stuff like this makes my blood boil and if I was either of their kids mother, (particularly the girls, because she is the youngest), I would be irate.

Having said that, I have to agree with unreg here and say that the OP seems way too wise beyond his years for my liking. But that's just my opinon.

Moomoo1

Fittle wrote: »

Sorry, but the 17 year old having sex with the 15 year old sounds like sensible kids (I assume you mean because he's using condoms).

At what point in this scenario do you, as an adult, assume that a 17yr old having sex with a 15 year old is sensible??

Stuff like this makes my blood boil and if I was either of their kids mother, (particularly the girls, because she is the youngest), I would be irate.

Having said that, I have to agree with unreg here and say that the OP seems way too wise beyond his years for my liking. But that's just my opinon.

this is exactly why I posted the article above. According to many studies, the Dutch approach of 'let the kids have the responsibility for their relationships' works better than the sort of approach you are advocating.

I mean, just look at their teen pregnancy rates compared to ours...

Fittle

Moomoo1 wrote: »

this is exactly why I posted the article above. According to many studies, the Dutch approach of 'let the kids have the responsibility for their relationships' works better than the sort of approach you are advocating.

I mean, just look at their teen pregnancy rates compared to ours...

It will be many generations before we, in ireland, have 'the dutch approach'

Benincasa

Moomoo1 wrote: »

this is exactly why I posted the article above. According to many studies, the Dutch approach of 'let the kids have the responsibility for their relationships' works better than the sort of approach you are advocating.

I mean, just look at their teen pregnancy rates compared to ours...

Now THIS makes my blood boil.

The Dutch don't include their extremely high chemical abortion rate in their teen pregnancy statistics. The idea that they have it all sussed out is nonsense.

The 17 year old is breaking the law, and the law would be right to punish him. He might find that out if the relationship ends badly and the girl turns against him. The fact that it was consensual or "safe and responsible" will be of no help if he faces the legal consequences.

DapperGent

I'm sure he's managing alright on his own tbh.

Silverfish

Off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please read the charter and abide by it.

Thank you.

Moomoo1

Benincasa wrote: »

Now THIS makes my blood boil.

The Dutch don't include their extremely high chemical abortion rate in their teen pregnancy statistics. The idea that they have it all sussed out is nonsense.

of course, any country where abortion is legalised will have high abortion rates in comparison. Doesn't change the fact that Dutch teenagers seem to be able to have sex responsibly. Wouldn't surprise me if their unplanned pregnancy rates were similar to those of Dutch adults.

Benincasa wrote: »

The 17 year old is breaking the law, and the law would be right to punish him. He might find that out if the relationship ends badly and the girl turns against him. The fact that it was consensual or "safe and responsible" will be of no help if he faces the legal consequences.

the reality is, the likelyhood of someone like him falling foul of the law is tiny.

EDIT, but yeah, that's why I said he/they should be careful. Most of the people who do get caught do so out of sheer carelessness...

Silverfish

I don't think points relating to Dutch law are helpful in this thread.

Please keep replies helpful to the OP and on-topic. Thank you.

barleybooley

Unregistered wrote: »

Something doesn't wash with me here. You're talking like a much, much older person than your friend OP. Saying 'I was actually not planning on telling his parents the full story, just to look out for their son in his relationship' is not something I have ever heard a 17/18year old guy articulate about their 17/18yr old friend.

I'm not saying you're trolling - I just think another lad your age would just talk to his mate and not speak in such an 'old' way about this situation.

The obvious advice would be fore you to talk to him, pull him aside and spell out the consequences of his actions and the possible pitfalls.

But what kind of relationship have you got with this guy OP? Does he respect your opinion? Would he take your advice?

Just because he's 17 doesn't mean he can't articulate thoughts in a mature and formal way.

OP, I think you're dead right in being worried, it'd be hard not to be when there have been major cases recently of statutory rape and guys that weren't doing anything wrong get put on a sex offenders list.

It's a tough situation and one that requires tact when approaching. Like most of the other posters think, I think you should just make him aware of the implications of having sex with this girl ie pregnancy and the possibility of getting done for statutory rape. Ask him to give it due consideration because there's no going back from something like that. No one knows what's around the corner, so he needs to be careful. When he's been made aware of this, walk away, you've done more than most guys your age would do. If something happens, your conscience will be clear that you did your bit instead of standing idly by.

It shouldn't be an issue for you to say this to a mate so best of luck and well done for being so mature.

up for anything

Talk to him and make sure he is aware of the reality of his actions. Would he enjoy having the guards descend on his family house at 6am in the morning! He is breaking the law and if her parents find out and take action he could be in serious trouble. This happened to a friend of mine's son and during the initial part of the Gardai investigation where they arrived unannounced at 6am, he and his family were treated like dirt. They weren't interested in seeing proof that he was only 16 and the girl in question was 17.

Your friend's relationship, if her parents decide to action, will not only impact on himself but on his family too. Is he prepared for that?

Moomoo1

up for anything wrote: »

Talk to him and make sure he is aware of the reality of his actions. Would he enjoy having the guards descend on his family house at 6am in the morning! He is breaking the law and if her parents find out and take action he could be in serious trouble. This happened to a friend of mine's son and during the initial part of the Gardai investigation where they arrived unannounced at 6am, he and his family were treated like dirt. They weren't interested in seeing proof that he was only 16 and the girl in question was 17.

wait a minute: if he was 16 then he was supposedly the 'victim', so why was he and his family 'treated like dirt'?

do the Gardai treat victims of crimes like dirt now?

up for anything

Moomoo1 wrote: »

wait a minute: if he was 16 then he was supposedly the 'victim', so why was he and his family 'treated like dirt'?

do the Gardai treat victims of crimes like dirt now?

I'm going to delete this in a few minutes so please don't quote it.

Moomoo1

yeah, what can you say. You cannot legislate for the police acting over the top though... this could have in theory happened even if the boy never had sex with anyone.

OP – I agree with some of the posters here. As a friend it is not usually your place to report to anyone what your friend is up to. Of course there are exceptions to that, but I do not feel this is one of them.

Your place is to ensure he is aware of your concerns, and why you hold them. Let him know you are happy he is happy but as your friend he should support you by letting you know he has listened to and taken on board what your concerns actually are.

You are being a good friend for watching out for him, so the least he can do is be a good friend by hearing you out and acknowledging your concerns, even if he chooses then to proceed without them. Then, at least, it is not on your conscience anymore as it appears to be now.

From then on, your only place as a friend is to be there for him should anything go wrong. More you need not do.

Also ignore those who are questioning your honesty above. This forum has I think, or should have, a benefit of the doubt policy and questioning your honesty simply because you are literate is unhelpful in the extreme. Most likely they are just judging your literacy against their own at your age and finding themselves wanting and are reacting negatively to you, rather than themselves, based on this judgement.

They in fact have it backwards because they think it a surprise a teen posting here would be so literate. This is exactly the wrong way to look at it. In fact you being the type of thoughtful person who feels moved to post for advice on a forum such as this likely means you are the type of person who is more literate than those who would not. I would be more suspicious of someone illiterate, base and unintelligent bothering to show up on a forum like this asking for advice for his mates.

Oryx

For the purposes of this, and all threads in PI, original posters are assumed to be truthful.

OP, I think your only course of action is to talk to your friend, first. Make sure he knows the legal situation he is in. I dont think you should involve his parents, as he may find that to be an unforgiveable interference in his life. It is sad but true that we can advise our friends but we have to let them make their own decisions.

ash23

OP, I'd just have a chat to him about it without pontificating.

Maybe just say that you're worried he could end up in serious bother if anyone finds out he's having sex with a minor.

And believe me, it's taken very seriously.

A friend of mine got pregnant a couple of months before her 17th birthday by her older boyfriend. The cops came a-knocking to her door looking for the fathers information which her mother gave.

He wasn't convicted but I think it was only because she refused to go to court against him and she was so close to the legal age.


But this girl is 15. A child.
He may very well end up with a conviction for stautory rape which will affect him for the rest of his days. He will basically be a sex offender.
Actually, scrap that. He IS a sex offender.

Motley Crue

I think this poster is a troll and to be honest we are discussing a criminal activity here if what he is saying does happen to be true, either way I would avoid speaking to him about it and stay well clear.

Oryx

Deleted User wrote: »

Oh dear that was entirely out of line...

... in an attempt to lighten the mood from pointless accusations such as this.... did anyone else read the title of this thread and TOTALLY get the wrong idea before opening it and reading the OP?

I appreciate your intention, but it is offtopic.

Please keep all discussion helpful to the op, thanks.