Told my Dad my Girlfriend is pregnant

Darksaga87

Hi all. Looking for advice on this.

About 2 months ago I told my dad my girlfriend is pregnant. Im excited and so is she. The thing is, everyone is delighted.... except him.

I approached him with excitement of his reaction to be being a grandad for the first time, but he wasn't very pleased, in fact, his first words to me where: "get rid of it. get on a boat to England get shot of the ****ing thing.."

My heart sank. I said nothing and left. We haven't spoken since and he has made no effort to get in touch, which doesn't bother me too much as I don't want to speak to him. Although, his new missus has text me a few times asking me to contact him and make amends, telling me how upset he is that I have basically cut him out of my life. This means nothing to me TBH.

I will never forget what he said, and neither will my GF. The rest of the family is behind me. My mam is beside herself with joy, which is all I need, my mam is like a best friend and once she is happy, I'm happy.

But Im wondering if never speaking to him again is the right way to go. Our relationship wont be the same again.

Im 23 and the GF is 27. We have lived together for the past year and we were both working good jobs until recently when I lost mine. But it isn't like we have nothing, we aren't in any financial trouble.

What Should I do?

Cavehill Red

You need to take a step back and calm down firstly.
Secondly, your oul fella isn't completely out of line here. You are young, and unemployed currently. You should think all your options through carefully before making a decision either way that will affect your life and those of others for many years to come.
Finally, it doesn't mean he won't come around to the idea of a grandchild once one comes along. You need to look at this from his pov. He's likely scared for you and your future. If you demonstrate it's not something for him to worry about, he'll likely revel in his grandchild once they're here, if indeed that is your (and your partner's) decision on this pregnancy.
There's no point in having some BS family feud just because your da didn't have the response you wanted to your news. He's only being honest with you from his own perspective.

I have to disagree with some of cavehill's post. You don't come across as not being calm, just upset. Yes, your Dad is probably worried for you, but you are an adult and capable of making your own decisions. He should have been mature enough to bite his tongue and be happy for you (even if it was pretending). I also think that you are not the one who needs to make amends here as you did nothing wrong, he really didn't have any right to tell you to get rid of your baby and I know for sure that if I was in your position, I'd probably be reacting the very same way you are.

I think though that for the sake of your new baby, you should consider making things right. I'm not saying that you should apologise to your Dad or anything like it as again, you have done nothing wrong. However, if his GF texts you again, you can simply reply by saying you would be willing to forgive your father if he contacts you himself. Leave the ball in his court.

Good luck - and congratulations

metrovelvet

As hurtful as it was and he had no right to say such a horrible thing to you, give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it was the shock talking. Let some time pass and see what happens.

It could say more about his own relationship with fatherhood than anything else. You dont know.

But it's not about you.

How Strange

I agree with whoopsadd, there is no point in falling out completely over this. It certainly wasn't your dads finest hour and while he may be concerned for you etc he should've engaged his brain before opening his mouth.

Perhaps get your dads partner to arrange a lunch somewhere in a neutral venue for you all to meet up.

It was a cruel insensitive thing for him to say but you and your gf need to put it behind you and move on. Bearing grudges and having never ending stand-offs are just a waste of energy that you should be putting into looking forward to your new baby.

littlebitdull

Deleted User wrote: »

.........., if his GF texts you again, you can simply reply by saying you would be willing to forgive your father if he contacts you himself. Leave the ball in his court.

I totally agree with this line. Leave the door open for him, and give him a chance to take that step towards you.

He perhaps thinks he has done no wrong, so let him know he has hurt you but you would be willing to try and move past it.

It would be nice for your little one to have all his/her's grandparents in their life - and good for you too.

Congragulations on the news.

Cavehill Red

I don't think that any parent would be responsible by 'biting their tongue and pretending to be pleased' when something was happening in their child's life that they were concerned seriously about.
I know of a mother who told her student son exactly the same thing only with more expletives - 'Get the effing thing aborted, you've been trapped by that effing bitch, etc'.
She's a model grandmother now and dotes on her grandson. And her son sees her point, given that he was still a student when he got his girlfriend pregnant and the couple didn't have great prospects at the time.
I'd like to think as a parent, I'd have the balls to be honest with my children about anything in their lives. That's the job of a parent after all, to guide them.
I don't think the oul lad in this instance has showered himself in glory the way he's gone about it, but he's right to express concerns if he has them.
And the OP ought to see that for what it is - concern for him and his future.
I don't think forgiveness is required in either direction here. But some sort of rapprochement would be useful. This is how stupid family feuds begin - two men being annoyed and giving each other the silent treatment instead of talking out their concerns with each other.

cynder

Congrats,

Your 23 you are not a child, think your dad needs to accept that.

anyway i will tell you my story, i was 18 my boyfriend was 18. I got pregnant and my family supported any decision i made. His family weren't that happy as he was in college and i was ruining his life, his sister had the hardest time dealing with it and she flat out ignored me from the moment she was told to the day i gave birth, when i did have my baby girl She was one of the first visitors with a big smile on her face, but only a week before she wouldn't even say hello to me in the video shop, or in the street when i was pregnant but as soon as baby arrived it was like she was my best friend, i decided not to say anything as i didn't want to upset the situation, she then came over every week and even took my baby out for a day here and there, she bought her off in the car to show all the relations.* we now have 2 more kids and got married 2 years ago (oh yeh same sister was against us getting married too, but she had a mighty time at the wedding)


So from my experience give it time, he may well be that way now but as soon as baby arrives he should accept it. As i said your no child and neither is your GF.

Enjoy the pregnancy and the many years of being a dad.

Darksaga87

All of the posts here have been helpful.

You are all right in the fact that im not one to hold a grudge. Silent treatment is never the way to go for me. The last message his GF sent me, I replied by saying that if he sends a text, i will respond, But I never got a reply or a message from him, so I dont know if she said it to him or what.

I would like to make this right. But a life time in the army has made him very hard to reason with or speak to, we never really could speak openly to each other, and this is what holds me back.

I want him to be proud, But I think he see's this as i've let him down somehow.

Edit: Thanks for all the congratulations!

Cavehill Red

May I suggest you be the bigger man here and make the first move? Get him out for a pint, and explain your position to him. Let him air his concerns, and do your best to explain why he needn't be concerned.
Such maturity would be a good head start on the practice of parenting, which in my experience involves a shedload of considering others before yourself.
And congratulations. Your life will never be the same.

cynder

Cavehill Red wrote: »

May I suggest you be the bigger man here and make the first move? Get him out for a pint, and explain your position to him. Let him air his concerns, and do your best to explain why he needn't be concerned.
Such maturity would be a good head start on the practice of parenting, which in my experience involves a shedload of considering others before yourself.
.

Agree!

i never did that with my fellas sister as she wouldnt speak to me, but that day that she walked in to the hospital i was angry yet happy, angry that she had ignored me for the last 9 months but happy that she had accepted the baby. I decided it was better to have happy families than to tell her to get out of the hospital room.

i hope things work out for you all.

RedXIV

Hey OP, if it helps, my story is KIND of similar. I was 22 when I told my dad my gf was pregnent and his first reaction wasn't fantastic but since my daughter has been born, he's done nothing but dote on her. And he came through fantastically while my gf was pregnent. It is completely different when little one arrives so that may help.

And my dad was very hard to reason with all his life, all my friends called him the Iceman

Bottle_of_Smoke

Listen it must have been horrible to hear if you were excited.

However your Dad might just be bad with communication and wasn't thinking straight.

He probably feels terrible about what he said and certainly will when your baby is born.

I think it is more up to him to get in contact with you and apologise. Shouldn't be going through his girlfrient....but

"a life time in the army has made him very hard to reason with or speak to, we never really could speak openly to each other, and this is what holds me back."

Seems its prob easier for you to get the ball rolling. That's life sometimes. If his girlfriend's contacting you I'd say he's pretty upset.

Darksaga87

Going to send him a message inviting him to a coffe. Hope it goes well.

cynder

Darksaga87 wrote: »

Going to send him a message inviting him to a coffe. Hope it goes well.

good luck,

Cavehill Red

Darksaga87 wrote: »

Going to send him a message inviting him to a coffe. Hope it goes well.

Good luck. Remember, it's not his intention to cause you distress. He simply has your interests at heart and will need convincing that parenthood is right for you at this point in your life.
I hope it goes well.

smelltheglove

OP I would have lost the rag altogether to be honest. I was 20, pregnant and not in a stable relationship, none of the parents involved had this attitude and if they did I would have been very disappointed in them. In actual fact my dad was extremely supportive to me.

Putting that aside as disappointed as you and your girlfriend are I would try to make amends. Youve had time to fume over it so now would be a good time to approach him. He may be ashamed of himself and afraid of what you will say to him. Honestly, yes he is your father but you are a grown adult and entitled to make your own decisions. I would not approach him asking to be friends, I would be more inclined to approach him letting him now how infuriated you felt by what he said, that he had no right to speak to you like that but as he is your father you are willing to look past it and get along. As you are, he is also a grown man and should have had mroe respect than to speak to you like that and should be told so. He doesnt need mollycoddling.

A different view point to other posters I know but I can only be honest, it would have really annoyed me.

belongtojazz

Hi my story was somewhat similar except I was the pregnant one. When I told my dad he was gutted, and the entire time I was pregnant he was of the opinion I should put the baby up for adoption.

We had some right humdingers of arguments about it, but as soon as my daughter was born she became the most important person in his life.

I understand where my dad was coming from I lost my career because of my preganancy and he was upset at the "waste" of my education, but he did come round.

I hope he responds to your invite and that it works out.

Oh and congratulations on the pending arrival

Nevyn

I was about the same age when I had my first and my parents were disapointed they expected me to do more with my life. Parent can get that way, but hopefully he will come around.

Jinxi

Congrats OP.:D
I completely understand you being upset and angry. you only ever get to tell your dad about the arrival of your first child once... I definatly think clearing the air by telling him how unacceptable his reaction was should be on the cards.
However, he is not the only one who is going to have a change of heart once your baby is born. You will probably be more understanding how much he loves you and only wants the best for you. He also knows from his experience how much you sacrifice to be a parent and probably wanted you to enjoy your early twenties before you became a dad.

But your first job as a father should be to tell him that your GF and your baby are now your family, and if he cannot be happy for you that he is the one who will lose out.

January

I had the same situation when I told my dad I was pregnant at 21, not to the extent that he wouldn't talk to me or I wouldn't talk to him but the fact that he hit the roof. Told me I was wasting my life and that if I "wanted help with money" (to go to England), he'd give it to me. I was upset and angry, but kind of knew that that was how he was going to react.

He thawed out during the pregnancy and was the first to visit me after I gave birth, my two daughters are the most important thing in his life and you can see that everytime he talks about them or is around them. He actually recently apologized for the way he reacted (which knocked me sideways because he never usually does that!).

Hopefully things go well with your dad when you go for coffee. Wishing you all the best. Congratulations by the way!