Wednesday Funnies

MonkieSocks

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot dog food in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me!

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?

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My mate, who is a carpet fitter by trade, won the world amateur weight lifting championship...

but then he got a life ban for using "stair rods"

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I just found out what you call a woman who always thinks she's right

Your wife
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I married a rich Chinese bird last week, her name is Ker Ching

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My girlfriend and I ended up having the mother of all breakups last night, the underlying message being that my "sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship".

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up, packed my things and right.