Fundamentally unlovable... undatable?

LegacyUser

Hi. Something has been bothering me for a while. I've reached an age where most of my friends are all coupled up, married, engaged or expecting kids. And for some reason, I find myself falling by the wayside. I've had a few relationships. None of them lasted, and they ended for various reasons. Geography. Incompatibility. Drifting apart. For almost half a decade however, I've had a string of bad luck with the opposite sex that has left me feeling that maybe I'm just not meant to be with someone.

The most recent occurrence of this was through a friend of a friend. We met, got on great. But circumstances dictated that I wasn't and she wasn't in a position to take it any further. About 3 weeks ago, my friend rang me up and told me that girl x had requested my email address and was going to drop me a line. Great, I thought. Maybe she's the combo-breaker! And so here I am almost a month later and nothing. I asked my friend if this girl was still interested and she told me 'she's a bit of a flake. I'd forget about it if I were you.' Same old story.

I've even tried the mine-field that is online dating. That's been pretty disastrous. I even got a message off a girl saying 'your message was very funny and sweet. But you don't have the look of a guy I'd go for. But good luck.' Which, despite being a very odd thing to reply to someone, at least I know I've got some sort of personality! One of my exes was in town recently. We have the same circle of friends, and have remained friends since we broke up, so we met up. She said the ol' thing of 'you're such a great guy, why haven't you found someone yet?' And I ask myself the same thing.

I've a good job. I'm told I have a pretty good personality. I'm a bit shy, but I force myself to overcome it as much as I can. I'm no looker by any stretch of the imagination, to the point where two of my exes have told me (in what they thought was a funny way) that they didn't fancy me at first. Little knock backs and comments on my looks have added up to chip away at my confidence. Maybe I am just hideously unlucky and destined to wander the earth like the littlest hobo, alone! Is it silly to think this way? I'd love to just stop looking for a relationship, but when you're surrounded by them, and find yourself sometimes with nothing to do on a Saturday night as all your friends are off doing coupley things, you cant help let it get to you. I'd love one of two things. Either my perfect woman fall out of the sky and straight into my arms, or more realistically, to just be able to forget about looking for a potential partner. Anybody have any tactics to achieve the later?

Sorry about the moany nature of the post. But hey, even just getting this out has been a cathartic process! Thanks, PI!

LighterGuy

Hi mate. Well first off:

QuasiMojo wrote: »

....I asked my friend if this girl was still interested and she told me 'she's a bit of a flake. I'd forget about it if I were you.' Same old story...

Well thats obviously your mate just letting you know not to bother in a nice way. The whole "bit of a flake" is just bs. Its certain that the girl said to your mate she wasnt interested.
So she is not interested. Just think she is nothing now. I know thats harsh. But lets face facts, if you chance something on with a girl and if they are not interested you couldnt give two tosses about them (Unless they are previously a mate)

QuasiMojo wrote: »

I've even tried the mine-field that is online dating. That's been pretty disastrous. I even got a message off a girl saying 'your message was very funny and sweet. But you don't have the look of a guy I'd go for. But good luck.' Which, despite being a very odd thing to reply to someone

One thing is for certain... dating sites for men can be a confidence knocker. The ration to men to women is crazy. This causes guys to feel ugly etc. Dating sites can give a guy confidence issues. Of course for women they are great. Loads of men messaging them etc. They cant help but feel good about that. Of course most men just want sex from such sites... but thats a different topic.

But also pay no attention to women on dating sites. The majority of them are damaged goods. Now not all. So any female user please dont rip my head off by me saying that :P however a large factor have baggage, dont know what they want etc.

QuasiMojo wrote: »

I've a good job. I'm told I have a pretty good personality. I'm a bit shy, but I force myself to overcome it as much as I can. I'm no looker by any stretch of the imagination, to the point where two of my exes have told me (in what they thought was a funny way) that they didn't fancy me at first. Little knock backs and comments on my looks have added up to chip away at my confidence.

As it would.
You would have to be made of stone for it to not effect your confidence.
Op, its a sad world but alot of people in life have to have a stiff neck when it comes to dating. The world we live in now is more vain and self-consious than ever. And only the confident blossom.

But you say you have got the personality. Thats what matters. Many an average looking man has got a goodlooking girl by having the chat. Even average guys who shagged all around them have said "its all game, its all personality/confidence" ... sure dont get me wrong. Style and having a good body are two helpful factors (great factors for notching yourself up in the visual department) but you have to have the chat and confidence.

So you have to find yours op. Sadly, no one in life can give it to you. Its up to you to get it. Sure having a good personality matters.. but confidence is the turn on for women. Even women who they say hate cocky guys get turned on by such a guy.


As for the overall topic about your friends being married, expecting kids etc. Dont worry. At the end of the day the race is with yourself.
Some of the people you know who are married will divorce and heart ache willl ensue. Life is full of up's and down's (as you know) but its only when we're in the down do we really notice op.

So its up to you to change your life
get what you want.
The first step is beliving in yourself. Low confidence will never get you anything.

billythew

I don't know what the solution might be but to wonder if you're not meant to be with someone, or fundamentally undatable sounds incredibly irrational. I think that in the case of relationships with particular individuals, it might not work out and you could say that that particular combination wasn't meant to be but to apply it in a general sense can't be right...I just don't think that our fates are that predestined.

I'm at a similar stage in life and get a lot of those patronising 'why haven't you found someone?' comments from friends who are in relationships (and aunts at family gatherings!) but what can you do, it's best not to internalise what they say. Some couples seem happy but I see others and their relationship is visibly fraught or there is an aspect of convenience to their being together.

I've been on those dating sites and find it a peculiar experience but you might as well give it a lash, don't take whatever happens on them too seriously but keep your profile there just in case.

I don't have a personal success story to offer but the wheel always turns and I defo don't believe in the idea of a person being fundamentally undatable. Opportunities always come along at some stage, you just don't know when and have to do your best not to allow them to pass you by.

beks101

Hey OP. Your post gave me a laugh - not in a mean way! You clearly have a way with words and have a cracking sense of humour. Just thought I'd start my post with a compliment!

You are not 'fundamentally undatable'. Very few people are in my opinion, but from reading your post you are definitely not one of them, so to think of yourself so lowly and to demean yourself is not going to help your case. A poor self image is the direct opposite of what you need now, so first step: quit putting yourself down! Besides, it's an instant repellent to the opposite sex.

I know it's difficult - infact, virtually impossible - to look at ourselves objectively when it comes to our dealings with the opposite sex, as past rejections and relationship failures etc invariably knock our confidence so easily. But maybe it's time to take a step back and take a real look at yourself.

You say you're no Brad Pitt - no problem. You're lucky in that we ladies are less visual than you guys, but all the same we do like a bit of an effort to be made. Do you work out, keep fit, maintain a healthy body? Do you dress well? What's your style? How do you carry yourself? These are traits that will instantly increase your attractiveness to women, good looks or not, and they are traits that are so easily addressed.

Next step - what sort of an effort are you actually making to meet women? Do you go out socially and do you approach women when you are out? Do you engage with women on a daily basis - female friends, work colleagues, etc...are you at ease around women? You mentioned that girl who failed to email...but there's no mention of you asking someone out...when's the last time you did that? I know you say you've tried online dating, but as others have said - it's a woman's world really and you're up against the masses, plus the fact that it affords people a level of ruthlessness and fickleness that they wouldn't get away with in the real world - prob best avoided to be honest. Realistically your perfect woman isn't going to fall out of the sky and you're going to have to be proactive in meeting someone special - and take the knock backs that come with that.

Quit beating yourself up and nevermind other people and their relationships. It seems to be an Irish thing that you reach a certain age and all of a sudden you're seen as 'lacking' unless you're part of the engaged-married-kids equation.

Taltos

Um - at a loss why you seemed to wait for this "flake" to contact you?
Why not take the initiative?
This request for your email was clearly a signal that she was indeed interested - and what did you do??? You sat back and waited - signalling back "nah not that into you..."

It might all be down to your approach.
Maybe try really putting in the effort to be more sociable or taking more chances.
Go on - call her now and see if she wants to meet up for a coffee - you heard me - CALL her - no texts / emails / FB posts - call her.

Who knows - you might crash and burn - but maybe just maybe you are not too late....

dolphin city

wow, you sound like you don't think you are a full person unless you are hooked up to somebody else. You think that once that happens everything will fall into place and all will be well. Actually it won't. First of all you have to be a happy person yourself, i.e. not wishing you had a partner, wife, girlfriend. Unless you are happy with yourself on your own, then you will never be happy with somebody else. Most people are just average looking - very rare will you find a natural exceptional beauty - so not being of superstar looks is irrelevant.

Also bear in mind that just because people are getting married, engaged does not mean that they have their lives worked out happily ever after. In fact, the opposite. Most people just do it because "it is the thing to do". It's not. The thing to do is whatever makes YOU happy, be it having various relationships in life as you grow older and wiser, having/not having kids. Remember none of these things are set in stone. In another hundred years time I reckon marriage will be a thing of the past. Also your friends buying a house have actually put another ball and chain around their ankle - tied to bricks and morter for the next half century may not be everyone's idea of "heaven"

Live your life as it comes - be happy with yourself - do not think you will be happier if only you were married, if only you had kids, if only you found somebody. Live for yourself - everything else will fall into place.

LegacyUser

Hey guys. Thanks a million for the replies. I guess the thing I should lead with is my own view of who I am. I am pretty happy with the person I am. I've spent a long time working on my personality. I was a pretty angry and screwed up teenager. I worked on myself and now, I'm a much happier, more tolerant and laid-back kind of guy. To the point where my friends have pointed out to me in the past how much more fun I am to hang around. Obviously, I have my flaws, but I'm aware of them and do my best to improve on them. So personality wise, I think I'm doing all right! And I know, from past experience, once girls get to know me, I do pretty well with them.

Which is why I'd like to be dating someone. As much as the ol' 'I gotta lotta love to share' cliche, I'd also like to know what I'm like in a relationship now that I'm QuasiMojo 2.0, now with network support! But I just cant overcome that first looks hurdle. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm no hunchback of notre dame, despite what the name might suggest, but I am aware it's a bit of a stumbling block, and it prevents me from being myself from the get-go. It's like I'm expecting a 'you're nice, but...' I once approached a girl, she looked me up and down, blanked me and started laughing to her mate. I know, that's an anomaly, and I shouldn't let it get to me. But easier said than done.

I guess I'd just love to get this thought out of my head. It's not something I obsess over. Or something that stops me from doing the things I want to do. It's just there. In the back of my head. And it sometimes pops up to give me a spiritual kick in the nuts.

liquoriceall

Hi I feel like Im in a similar position most of my friends have met someone in the past few years and I only have about 2 friends left single and Im starting to panic but at the same time when I look at other people I think I wouldnt go out with him myself anyway etc not because of looks but because of fundamentals such as the guys thinking that the ideal way to spend a weekend is getting drunk or them having nothing to show for themselves by the time theyve hit 30. I know some of you will say im a snob but Im nearly 30 and have a lot to show for it Ive lived in several countries have a good career that I enjoy, my own home and my own life I would just like to meet someone to share it with but dont agree with the 'anyone will do' mindset. Just as a matter of interest Ive tried online dating and for some reason felllas always ask for a photo and I hate this because I dont think you can get a sense of someone in a picture and as a result the guys wont proceed any further which makes me think 'how shallow are you?'. BTW Im normal looking!!

dolphin city

you are looking in the wrong places if you are getting treated like that by women when they look at you. Why would you want to go out with one of these airheads anyway. They probably resemble assembly line barbies, who socialise in assembly line bars - in a nutshell they are basically airheads making noise pollution in overpriced pubs where the owners are laughing all the way to the bank.

try breaking your habit and going somewhere that does not contain people who judge someone by what they look like - you will be much happier and probably find a genuine person who can see you for what you are.

also never forget - most people in the world are just average people - and believe me Irish looks are way way down the average ladder - the people "looking at you and walking away" probably have spend three hours in front of a mirror changing the way they look before they head out.

You sound like a nice guy - just looking for love in all the wrong places. Change your venues - and find reality.