Not Just A Friend?

LegacyUser

To be honest I don't know if what I need is a swift kick up the backside or just a different perspective. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this and proffers their opinion, I appreciate it.

So okay, here goes. I have this friend. He's a friend with benefits. I've known him a long time, we're close, I trust him and we get along great. For the last while though, we've also been sleeping together. In the beginning that's all I wanted, because I seem to go from one long term relationship to another and I decided that I would stay single, be alone, I actually really enjoy it. But lately I'm wondering if this is truly an arrangement that suits me.

I make the plans. I suggest meeting up and usually when or where. A part of me thinks it's because he's far too laid back to bother, and another part thinks it's because he was well aware of what I wanted in the beginning and doesn't want to push me. When we're together we're like a proper couple. We enjoy all the nice things you get when you're a couple, with none of the not so nice things, i.e. no pressure to be in constant contact everyday. This I like, but at the same time I'm starting to realise that I have feelings for him that are beyond platonic.

Most people would advise me to come clean and tell him how I feel, chances are if a friend came to me with the same problem that's exactly what I'd tell them to do. But I can't figure out if I want more from him because he hasn't asked for more from me or if it's because I feel I'm genuinely ready for a relationship with him.

I'm hesitant to broach the subject with him because we do have a good thing going, and if it were to end for the reason I stated above then it would make things fairly awkward for us and our circle of friends by extension. So basically my question is, do I come clean and risk it even though I'm not entirely sure myself exactly what it is I want, or do I cut my losses and scarper, and remain true to my promise of remaining single for as long as possible? Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation? How did it work out?

To be completely honest my head is more than a bit melted over this. Anyway, thanks again for reading.

LegacyUser

friends with benefits = trouble (if one of the friends develops feelings)
friends with benefits = trouble (if one is already married)
friends with benefits = trouble (if one has long term plans to settle down without friend)

friends with benefits = fun (if both people involved know it's only fun)

He may very well have feelings for you, try to make him chase you a little, drop a hint that you'd love to go away for a weekend abroad and see if he's up for it, at least then you'll know that he loves your company as well as the benefits!

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the replies guys.

benifitsinkind wrote: »

friends with benefits = trouble (if one of the friends develops feelings)
friends with benefits = trouble (if one is already married)
friends with benefits = trouble (if one has long term plans to settle down without friend)

friends with benefits = fun (if both people involved know it's only fun)

He may very well have feelings for you, try to make him chase you a little, drop a hint that you'd love to go away for a weekend abroad and see if he's up for it, at least then you'll know that he loves your company as well as the benefits!

Ah tell me about it! These things very rarely seem to end well for all concerned. What started out as a bit of fun (and it still is really to an extent, but with an edge to it) is now something that bothers me.

If I'm to be completely honest I do think that he has feelings for me beyond just regular friendship. But also being honest I think he's well aware that I have feelings for him too. I don't know if this is a stand-off and both of us are waiting for the other to make a move, or that I'm totally wrong (possible) and he's happy taking what he can get. I've been transparent enough I think but then again some men are bad with subtle hints.

Or maybe I'm just making excuses for him.

sunflower27 wrote: »

OP - this is a no brainer. Really.

You seem to think that if you reveal any sort of feelings that he may scarper and you are left with nothing, but surely that can only be a good thing.

Whether you realise it or not you are missing out on opportunities to meet eligible men that will commit to you.

This guy sounds like he's out for what he can get, and fair enough to him, the boundaries were set at the start.

Surely though if he had deeper feelings he'd be getting off his backside and organising some meet-ups? I mean, that's only common sense.

Why not pull back a bit, don't contact him, have some head space to yourself and see what happens (a good few weeks).

Just remember what you are worth.

Now this is probably the swift kick up the backside I was looking for.

You could be right sunflower. And it should really be a no-brainer for me. I've never been this wishy-washy over a man or getting what I want before. I think I will be taking your advice and cutting contact for a while. Perhaps I need time to decide what it is I really want, sort my head out, and I can't do that if I'm not by myself.

TitoPuente

Why not just talk to him about it? I know... crazy idea.

fungun

Id limit contact for a bit.

Some people will develop feelings for people they are sleeping with due to all the hormones etc released at the time. Id try to distinguish that from what you really feel for him. The fact you had a fb reln suggests to me you didnt actually want to go out with him at the start. Whats changed to make your feelings different, if anything? (is it just feelings from sex?)