Falling for a girl then finding out she has a Boyfriend

arsenallegend

Well has it happened to many of you guys in the gentlemen lounge

I had struck up a very good reltionship with a girl in college over the past few weeks. We talked a lot and found out we had a love for the same kind of music and films. Even a few people in class notice this and said that she liked me. Now we're about to have are first big night this week in college,so i asked her to add me on facebook so i could tell her when to meet up and stuff and to my horror i found she has a boyfriend. I was a bit crushed to be fair now i have lost interested in her a bit (its more for my sake really to keep away from her for a time being).

Has this happened to any of you guys and how did you handle it?

Chaotic_Forces

I think it's horrible to happen to anyone; I've been told "I've a boyfriend" a few times and honestly, that's so much better than trying to become more than friends and being turned down over something you can't control.

TBH, I wouldn't even bother with her as a friend. Has she ever one mentioned a boyfriend to you?

grizzly

A. Challenge him to a pistol duel.

B. Forget her.

C. Find out how serious they are, you might get lucky in a few months...

ballsymchugh

at least you didn't snog and arrange a few dates and then find out! that's a real kick in the nuts!
you're having a big night out. there'll be plenty more out. and she may have some hot & nice friends that she spoken to about you.

tús maith, leath na h-oibre!

arsenallegend

Chaotic_Forces wrote: »

I think it's horrible to happen to anyone; I've been told "I've a boyfriend" a few times and honestly, that's so much better than trying to become more than friends and being turned down over something you can't control.

TBH, I wouldn't even bother with her as a friend. Has she ever one mentioned a boyfriend to you?

No, she didn't mention it. I'm glad i found out this early, i was shocked cause she came across like she was single.

arsenallegend

ballsymchugh wrote: »

at least you didn't snog and arrange a few dates and then find out! that's a real kick in the nuts!
you're having a big night out. there'll be plenty more out. and she may have some hot & nice friends that she spoken to about you.

tús maith, leath na h-oibre!

i suppose is a blessing, i'm going to back off a bit now probably not talk to her as much.

I was going to make my move that night so now thats out the window. I think its just hanging with the lads and getting drunk.

Wibbs

arsenallegend wrote: »

No, she didn't mention it. I'm glad i found out this early, i was shocked cause she came across like she was single.

I've had this one a few times. No hard and fast "rules", but in general and in my experience, the boyfriend isn't mentioned for a couple of reasons.

She just doesn't see you "in that way" so it never comes up. Given you've been around her for a few weeks that's a bit weird though. Usually even in casual convo you would think the boyfriend would pop up? It could just be that simple though. It never came up.

She has spotted you like her and likes the ego boost, so doesnt want to lose it by taking herself off the market in your eyes. Common enough. Some women(and a few men) like the notion they have options and keep people circling around them.

Or she likes you, and the boyfriend is on shaky ground. This is common enough too. A fair few people and I would say I've defo observed more women doing this, won't leave one person without another potential lined up. I'd say more than half my exes were at the end of one relationship, before we hooked up(and of course when we broke up, they had someone lined up then too). There are a lot of couples out there that started like that. A lot of the time they gloss over this and reinvent the past down the line. One couple I know, they hold their anniversary as the day they first kissed, conveniently forgetting that she was engaged at the time to someone else and caused a lot of heartache for him and both their families.

How would I handle it? In the first two cases back off. IMHO No point being around someone you're attracted to if its not reciprocated. Not unless you like torturing yourself. In the last case? Play along and you may hook up. But like I said past behaviour can be a good predictor of future behaviour and chances are that if you go south as a couple, you'll be in the current boyfriend's position down the line.

Paulyh

You never know, i've heard of a few girls that have 'in a relationship' on their status so they dont get random guys requesting them as friends.
Does her status say 'in a relationships with xxxxxx'?

Misticles

This happened to me last year.

Though, I fancied him, we kissed the first week in college which was a year ago.

I made it obvious that I liked him, he didn't pick up on it.
Then a few weeks later I met someone else and ever since then that fella has tried to win me over.

So don't let it deter you that she has a boyfriend as the feelings may be reciprocated, just don't get your hopes up.

You could let her know then let her decide what she wants to do about it or she could just be a flirty girl.

Greyfox

All you can do is learn from it and make sure that you ask the boyfriend question ASAP next time, asking early is also a good way to indicate to a girl that your interested in her "in that way".

homerun_homer

Oh that old chestnut. The last girl I asked out was a workmate of a girl friend and was had just moved here. We met on a night out in town and chatted to each other for most of that night.
When I had a chance I asked my friend was she single and she beamed "YES!!" so when the girl was leaving for a taxi to a club I asked her if she wanted to do something some night since she didn't go out in the evenings, not knowing the place well & not knowing many people. I got beat with the old "I'm sorta seeing someone" stick.

It's worse when it's someone you know better, for longer and are mad about but are stuck with that roadblock. Especially if the guy is an a$$.

Galvasean

Greyfox wrote: »

All you can do is learn from it and make sure that you ask the boyfriend question ASAP next time, asking early is also a good way to indicate to a girl that your interested in her "in that way".

Except don't just turn around and say, "Hey do you have a boyfriend?". Good way to weird someone out. Better off bringing it into a natural conversation along the lines of, "I used to have this girlfriend who was constantly..". With any luck she'll reply, "Oh yeah my boyfriend does that".
It's nice when they mention the boyfriend nice n' early, before you get the chance to start developing 'feelings'.

liah

Out of curiosity, did she tell you she had a boyfriend or are you going ONLY on Facebook's relationship status thing?

I've had my relationship status set to people I'm not with for jokes before, so if that's all you're going on you should probably clarify it with her.

If you saw a bunch of lovey stuff on her wall, then yeah, she's taken, and you need to move on.

Galvasean

Actually come to think of it, a friend of mine has her facebook as 'in a relationship with...' a fake private profile she made herself because she was getting loads of "Hey, your profile pic is hot. r u single? wanna hook up sumtime? xoxox" emails from peple she didn't know.
Also just because someone doesn't have 'in a relationship' as their status it does not necessarily mean they are single. Their other half might not be on Facebook or they simply ahvent bothered updating their status.

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote: »

I've had this one a few times. No hard and fast "rules", but in general and in my experience, the boyfriend isn't mentioned for a couple of reasons.

She just doesn't see you "in that way" so it never comes up. Given you've been around her for a few weeks that's a bit weird though. Usually even in casual convo you would think the boyfriend would pop up? It could just be that simple though. It never came up.
.

I think the last line is as likely as anything else. There doesn't have to be an ulterior motive. I mention OH a lot on boards but every time I do I feel like I'm making too big a deal out of it.
I certainly can't imagine telling a guy I had just gotten to know "oh you know I have a boyfriend". It sounds arrogant and like he'd respond with "so what are you telling me for? get over yourself"

ballsymchugh

Galvasean wrote: »

Actually come to think of it, a friend of mine has her facebook as 'in a relationship with...' a fake private profile she made herself because she was getting loads of "Hey, your profile pic is hot. r u single? wanna hook up sumtime? xoxox" emails from peple she didn't know.
Also just because someone doesn't have 'in a relationship' as their status it does not necessarily mean they are single. Their other half might not be on Facebook or they simply ahvent bothered updating their status.

people do that on facespace?? dear God, i'm getting old. is 31 old??!
don't answer, i'm just going over there to wallow in my sadness!

Otis Driftwood

If it is Im screwed too.:mad:

Logical Fallacy

grizzly wrote: »

C. Find out how serious they are, you might get lucky in a few months...

Gah, nothing more pathetic than that dude who waits around for a lass to fall in love with him.

Be her friend or don't. Get laid elsewhere. Tonnes of chicks about etc.

Wibbs

bluewolf wrote: »

I think the last line is as likely as anything else. There doesn't have to be an ulterior motive. I mention OH a lot on boards but every time I do I feel like I'm making too big a deal out of it.
I certainly can't imagine telling a guy I had just gotten to know "oh you know I have a boyfriend". It sounds arrogant and like he'd respond with "so what are you telling me for? get over yourself"

Oh yea I agree 100%. Just weird that after 3 weeks it didnt come up though?

TBH I'd go with Logical Fallacy on this. 3 billion women in the world, so why pick a hard one?

Browney7

The odd goal gets past the best of goalies if you get my drift.

Plenty more women around though and you never know, she might start chasing you if she sees you knocking around the place with some other girl

Professey Chin

I think this is all I can find :pac:

Alicat

bluewolf wrote: »

I think the last line is as likely as anything else. There doesn't have to be an ulterior motive. I mention OH a lot on boards but every time I do I feel like I'm making too big a deal out of it.
I certainly can't imagine telling a guy I had just gotten to know "oh you know I have a boyfriend". It sounds arrogant and like he'd respond with "so what are you telling me for? get over yourself"

I was just going to respond with the same sort of thing. I feel weird mentioning my OH sometimes. Sometimes the conversation does not involve him at all so I wouldn't say anything about him. But going by some responses here, should I mention him everytime I met a new person just in case they fancy me??

A partner doesn't have to be part of who you are as a person. Why can't you have a nice conversation with a person you get along with without talking about significant others immediately? It's only been a few weeks and by the sounds of it they've only spoken really in college. Even if the OP has considered them to have 'talked a lot', I would still consider this as a very fresh friendship, and if he began talking to her as a friend then it shouldn't change anything. Surely if they have that much in common, he should be delighted to have her as a friend? If he has developed further feelings for her, it's just tough luck in my opinion. Either get over it, and enjoy her company, or cut her off completely if you can't move on.

arsenallegend

Alicat wrote: »

I was just going to respond with the same sort of thing. I feel weird mentioning my OH sometimes. Sometimes the conversation does not involve him at all so I wouldn't say anything about him. But going by some responses here, should I mention him everytime I met a new person just in case they fancy me??

A partner doesn't have to be part of who you are as a person. Why can't you have a nice conversation with a person you get along with without talking about significant others immediately? It's only been a few weeks and by the sounds of it they've only spoken really in college. Even if the OP has considered them to have 'talked a lot', I would still consider this as a very fresh friendship, and if he began talking to her as a friend then it shouldn't change anything. Surely if they have that much in common, he should be delighted to have her as a friend? If he has developed further feelings for her, it's just tough luck in my opinion. Either get over it, and enjoy her company, or cut her off completely if you can't move on.

i suppose it is tough luck for me:) we've been writing on facebook after college which isn't much i suppose for hours. I am delighted in having her as a friend but you can't hide how you feel can you, plus i can't cut her off she's in class with me 5 days a week and she's in my group for one of my major projects.

She seems very happy with him, its just was a bit of downer really to find out she had a boyfriend thats all cause she seemed like the pefect match. I get over it, we're having a laugh with one another and she seems to enjoy my company which i suppose is a good thing.

arsenallegend

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

Gah, nothing more pathetic than that dude who waits around for a lass to fall in love with him.

Be her friend or don't. Get laid elsewhere. Tonnes of chicks about etc.

its not all about getting laid:)

Galvasean

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

Be her friend or don't.

This. It's never a good thing to be in a friendship based on the off chance that shell break up with her boyfriend and then get with you. It's not fair on either of you.

speedboatchase

This happened to me years ago. The girl had been with her bf 2.5 years, I first met her on a night out with work. We got to chatting, I ended up getting her hotmail address/bebo (ah, the days before Facebook took over) and got to chatting/flirting a bit whenever she was online. Eventually I found out that was unhappy in the relationship and we started secretly seeing each other, about a month later she broke up with the bf and got with me. This was about 2 months before I was to go abroad for university.

We kept in touch loads and I did my very best during the whole long distance thing but it just didn't work out and around 4 months into the relationship she called it off with me before Christmas. Her ex had turned into a psycho and was putting her through constant emotional blackmail (threatening suicide at one stage even) and since I couldn't physically be there to console her, I assume it really started to affect her.

Long story short - if you want something, go for it. However, if the girl does get with you and break up with her bf, expect that to be pretty rough for her and expect him to be extremely antagonising for you both. If it's a long-term relationship too, his actions will cause conflicting views for her because she won't still be 100% over him. Having said that, I don't see the problem myself if it's what you really want and if she's unhappy and wants out

Logical Fallacy

arsenallegend wrote: »

its not all about getting laid:)

Bollix, the dude is saying he fancies a girl, it's about sex.

No one fancies someone they wouldn't ****.

Galvasean

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

Bollix, the dude is saying he fancies a girl, it's about sex.

No one fancies someone they wouldn't ****.

True, in a weird roundabout kind of way if you ask someone out you are indirectly asking them to have sex with you.

Oh crap, how many former co-workers have I propositioned!? :eek:

Wibbs

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

Bollix, the dude is saying he fancies a girl, it's about sex.

No one fancies someone they wouldn't ****.

Nail on head. Why so many men couch this stuff in airy fairy stuff. Be honest with yourselves. Goes for women too. The difference between good friends and lovers is that you wanna stick your wobbly bits together in the latter case(as mates of mine say "thank christ he knows the diff).

Galvasean

Wobbly bits? You ARE getting old Wibbs! :eek:

jayzusb.christ

This. It's never a good thing to be in a friendship based on the off chance that shell break up with her boyfriend and then get with you. It's not fair on either of you.

^^And this.
It also seriously decreases any attraction she might have felt for you in the first place - if you stick round as a friend, she'll never fancy you. Not easy, and you don't have to completely blank her out of your life completely, but keep your distance and find other women who are available.
Guess who learned this the hard way.

chainsaws

If you try to turn a friendship with a girl into romance it will rarely work.
A girl will see you like a brother - would a girl want to have romance with her brother? - and if you try to turn it into something more she will run a mile.
She will actually see it as a kind of betrayal of trust - which is what it is because if you try to get a woman to fall in love with you by pretending to be her friend to get close to her you were being deceitful.
It is far better to be up front from the get go - make it clear to the girl you like that you are interested in her and if she is not interested, move on and find girl who is.

Yourself

ballsymchugh wrote: »

at least you didn't snog and arrange a few dates and then find out! that's a real kick in the nuts!
you're having a big night out. there'll be plenty more out. and she may have some hot & nice friends that she spoken to about you.

tús maith, leath na h-oibre!

If you go for one of her friends chances are that you become off limits for good, things get messy if there is a spaghetti junction of inter-friend relations!

Galvasean wrote: »

Actually come to think of it, a friend of mine has her facebook as 'in a relationship with...' a fake private profile she made herself because she was getting loads of "Hey, your profile pic is hot. r u single? wanna hook up sumtime? xoxox" emails from peple she didn't know.
Also just because someone doesn't have 'in a relationship' as their status it does not necessarily mean they are single. Their other half might not be on Facebook or they simply ahvent bothered updating their status.

Let your friend know that there are privacy settings! you dont have to show the world your account

Wibbs wrote: »

Oh yea I agree 100%. Just weird that after 3 weeks it didnt come up though?

TBH I'd go with Logical Fallacy on this. 3 billion women in the world, so why pick a hard one?

pity the same logic doesn't work when I'm choosing a man, something about the hard ones!

like they say...nothing worthwhile is easy!

Galvasean

Yourself wrote: »

Let your friend know that there are privacy settings! you dont have to show the world your account

I'm pretty sure your profile pic is still shown when you are private and you can be sent messages?

arsenallegend

chainsaws wrote: »

If you try to turn a friendship with a girl into romance it will rarely work.
A girl will see you like a brother - would a girl want to have romance with her brother? - and if you try to turn it into something more she will run a mile.
She will actually see it as a kind of betrayal of trust - which is what it is because if you try to get a woman to fall in love with you by pretending to be her friend to get close to her you were being deceitful.
It is far better to be up front from the get go - make it clear to the girl you like that you are interested in her and if she is not interested, move on and find girl who is.

This is a very interesting take on it chainsaws thanks:). i just wanted to get your take on this guys cause i'm useless at reading between the lines, We were having lunch with the rest of our class today and she was sitting with a group of girls but when she saw me sitting on the wall she came over to sit beside me straight away, we were talking about real personal stuff about our famlies. I see her staring at me in class(other people in class have noticed this as well), she mentions me non stop on her facebook when she's talking to our fellow students even though she has a boyfriend of so many years. I'm just really confused right now its crazy. Am i reading into things too much?

TunaSaladBB

I know plenty of people who started out as friends and then went on to more and still going strong. It happens. Especially if she already likes you. Which it seems she does.

arsenallegend

TunaSaladBB wrote: »

I know plenty of people who started out as friends and then went on to more and still going strong. It happens. Especially if she already likes you. Which it seems she does.

She does which is great. If it does happen it be great if it doesn't well life goes on.

Yourself

Galvasean wrote: »

I'm pretty sure your profile pic is still shown when you are private and you can be sent messages?

wrong...

you can hide your pic from everyone except friends or just certain people, you can hide from appearing in searches, endless possibilities and not hard to do.

http://www.ehow.com/how_2031205_hide-profile-facebook.html

cocoa

Yourself wrote: »

wrong...

you can hide your pic from everyone except friends or just certain people, you can hide from appearing in searches, endless possibilities and not hard to do.

http://www.ehow.com/how_2031205_hide-profile-facebook.html

Meh, doesn't really matter too much considering facebook's history of changing their privacy policy, you also might want to check this article about apps leaking user data...

Johro

Wibbs wrote: »

Oh yea I agree 100%. Just weird that after 3 weeks it didnt come up though?

TBH I'd go with Logical Fallacy on this. 3 billion women in the world, so why pick a hard one?

Coz he didn't 'pick' her, he fell for her.
Done it myself a few times, head over heels. Sometimes a person just feels right and it's hard enough to let go of that.

Johro

Wibbs wrote: »

Nail on head. Why so many men couch this stuff in airy fairy stuff. Be honest with yourselves. Goes for women too. The difference between good friends and lovers is that you wanna stick your wobbly bits together in the latter case(as mates of mine say "thank christ he knows the diff).

True, definitely, but it's not all about that. If it's just sex you'd think anyone decent looking and willing would do. Falling for someone is different. For me, anyway.

the_syco

Check her Facebook. See who she's in a relationship with. Take note of their name. Ask her who they are.

It may turn out to be a mate, an ex, etc. People don't always update the tab, and some have fake relationships. People have been doing it since bebo.

Wibbs

Johro wrote: »

Coz he didn't 'pick' her, he fell for her.
Done it myself a few times, head over heels. Sometimes a person just feels right and it's hard enough to let go of that.

Oh agreed, but deep down you do "pick" the person IMHO. They fit an internal template in your head. It can be a complex one, but it's there. Any one of literally 1000's of women in the world would match it or surpass it. We make a little white lie to ourselves about all this. Initially anyway, then pair bonding etc builds on that.

True, definitely, but it's not all about that. If it's just sex you'd think anyone decent looking and willing would do. Falling for someone is different. For me, anyway.

Again deep down not so much. If it wasn't mostly sexual triggers, then why doesn't a straight guy just fall for someone male? Or a gay guy fall for someone female. Actually with bi people I reckon it actually is more than sex compared to those who go for one or t'other.

Look at the cliched friendzone. Man and woman are mates, share similar backgrounds and interests and appear compatible. He falls for the romantic/sexual part of her, but she rebuffs him. Why? In the majority of cases simply because she doesnt want to ultimately have sex with him. Plus if it wasn't down to that, why are there more couples out there who kicked off romantically first, even got started out of drunken out on the town encounters than those who were mates first? I'm pretty sure there are guys reading this that were stuck on some woman mate in the past and she wasn't into that, but soon after she hooked up with some randomer in a club. If it was all about finding out compatibility as people, surely this would be massively reversed? Of course it's more than just sex, but sexual attraction is the majority of it at the start anyway. If she(or he) doesnt feel it it wont matter how good you are as friends.

Logical Fallacy

Johro wrote: »

True, definitely, but it's not all about that. If it's just sex you'd think anyone decent looking and willing would do. Falling for someone is different. For me, anyway.

That's not what i am saying though, i am saying you would never "fall" for someone that you didn't find sexual attractive.

The two are always linked.

weatherguy

Not a good idea getting entangled with someone who is in a relationship.
If they play offside it may boost your ego, but she may cheat on you down the line.
I have come across these women. For some reason they need regular ego boosts. They don't tell you they are in a relationship, instead they lead you along until they realise they cant take it any further. Then they tell you they have a bf.
It is a simple question to ask them: Are you single or seeing somebody? Ask it in a non-aggressive, challenging manner and you will get your answer.

politicsdude

arsenallegend wrote: »

Well has it happened to many of you guys in the gentlemen lounge

I had struck up a very good reltionship with a girl in college over the past few weeks. We talked a lot and found out we had a love for the same kind of music and films. Even a few people in class notice this and said that she liked me. Now we're about to have are first big night this week in college,so i asked her to add me on facebook so i could tell her when to meet up and stuff and to my horror i found she has a boyfriend. I was a bit crushed to be fair now i have lost interested in her a bit (its more for my sake really to keep away from her for a time being).

Has this happened to any of you guys and how did you handle it?

so was she leading you on or did you just misconstrue the messages?

canttakeajoke

I'm a bit at a loss to see your problem here. You meet a girl and your interested in her. She seems interested in you?
Then you found out she might have a boyfriend??

Your been a little too choosey. Lots of married women have gone off with fellas. You want her, take her. If she is not interested she will tell you.
All your doing is giving the girl a complex. She is wondering whats did she do wrong to make you back off.
Have the men of Ireland been totally detached from there manhood?

A life lesson I learnt ages ago was walking in Temple bar with a group of friends. One girl was wearing skin tight pants. This fella slapped her ass and gave a compliment. Everyone in the group were a bit pissed except the girl who was slapped, she thought it was a great compliment. Women are more like fellas than you think they like sex, they cheat & lie. They don't have a clue what there doing ether.

Get with the programme man. Give the girl a slap on the arse!

paky

arsenallegend wrote: »

Well has it happened to many of you guys in the gentlemen lounge

I had struck up a very good reltionship with a girl in college over the past few weeks. We talked a lot and found out we had a love for the same kind of music and films. Even a few people in class notice this and said that she liked me. Now we're about to have are first big night this week in college,so i asked her to add me on facebook so i could tell her when to meet up and stuff and to my horror i found she has a boyfriend. I was a bit crushed to be fair now i have lost interested in her a bit (its more for my sake really to keep away from her for a time being).

Has this happened to any of you guys and how did you handle it?

thats the story of my life mate. just pursue.