Will she understand?

drumlinsa

Seeing a new girl i really like and i want to be honest and upfront with them.
but
Do you think they'll understand if i tell them that I'm living with my ex ?

To explain a little
My Ex and i jointly own the house, we broke up a short time ago and decided to wait a few months before we decide on either selling or renting the house .

We live together as friends only , separate bedrooms etc etc

I cannot yet afford to get a place of my own as paying mortgage but have doubts that this new girl wont understand my circumstances and might be scared off.

tinkerbell

Personally I would think that it's weird if you are still living with your ex. There's no way you can get over someone if you are still living under the same roof of them from the moment you broke up.

blackbird98

that depends on your new g/f. if she is the jealous type, then it's not going to work. I can understand where you're coming from, and can accept that you still have to live in the same house, but will she??

All you can do is talk to her and explain the situation, the decision is entirely hers

seamus

Well you really only have two options here, because she's going to find out eventually:

1. Tell her now and hope that she understands the bind you're in and accepts it.
2. Wait until the relationship gets more serious and tell her then.

IMO, the second option is more risky. She might see it as a deception on your part, a violation of trust/honesty and might even get worried that you've been using her as your "bit on the side" while you broke up with your ex. At that stage you're more deeply invested in the relationship and you both have more to lose

If you're upfront now, she might freak and bolt, but she may not. Either way, you just "really like" her at this stage and you have less to lose. If she does bolt, the door would still be open for a relationship at some other time when you're not living with your ex.

Basic respect for someone is to give them whatever information they need at the start of a relationship to decide if the relationship is for them. It's not a "first date" revelation though. When you find yourself making excuses as to why she can't come back to your place, then it's time to be honest with her.

SheRa

You should tell her as soon as you can. The longer you leave it the more she'll think that you've been lying to her. What if she finds out from someone else? That would be terrible for you both.

drumlinsa

Thanks for the replys,,, i really want to move out as soon as i can but its difficult and i really like this new girl a lot , smitten in fact.

Perhaps i should just move in with friends for now and explain my situation to her then ?

LittleBook

OP I think with everything that's happened in the past couple of years with the housing bubble and related consequences, your situation isn't as unusual as you might think.

I know of at least three homes occupied by people who used to be couples and who can't afford to get out of their housing situation.

I think you can afford to be completely up-front about this as it's actually very understandable in the current climate.

seenitall

blackbird98 wrote: »

that depends on your new g/f. if she is the jealous type, then it's not going to work. I can understand where you're coming from, and can accept that you still have to live in the same house, but will she??

All you can do is talk to her and explain the situation, the decision is entirely hers

I really don't think that you have to be "the jealous type" to find it difficult to accept that your OH is still living with their ex!!

OP, tell her. Now. Secrecy, especially when it comes to this kind of thing, is deadly for a relationship. The longer you sit on this, the higher are the odds that she will see you as deceptive in the long run. I don't need to tell you how much trust counts for, do I?

magneticimpulse

I think its so weird you are still living with ex. Would you not even move home? I know loads of friends who still have houses on the market after 5 years but they both moved out and moved home or went to share flats with friends.

Seriously i would be extremely surprised if this girl is understanding with the situation. What if you want to sleep with her? You will have your ex in the next room urgh. For that reason alone nobody would like to be in that situation....ever.

Im sorry but no matter how open minded people are, I think this definitely draws a line. I would wonder why you havent bothered to even move home? If you actually care about moving on from your ex, you would move back home at least or find other options, like renting the house to the council which my friends had to do as houses are not selling...so sort that out asap.

pollypocket10

OP if she likes you as much as you like her I am sure she will understand why you are still living there for now BUT you should be looking at alternatives.

Even if this relationship doesn't work out, you could be facing the same problem the next time you meet someone.

I am presuming you & your ex are still on talking terms so I would sit down and discuss what your plans for the house are. You could rent out your room and use the money to rent a room elsewhere until you can afford to sell. Your ex might even consider doing that if it suits her to move. Or you could look at renting the whole house and going your separate ways.

karma2010

Hi OP

Just be honest with her, i am in the same situation but on the other end by OH was still living with his ex when we first got together but he was completely open about it from the start and it was a good six month before they were able to sort out there finances its completely understandable but do realise some people are jealous people and she is going to have to put a lot of trust in you so make sure your ex is fully aware your seeing someone else too

Good Luck

Distorted

I think a lot of women are suspicious of such arrangements, often rightly.

drumlinsa

Distorted wrote: »

I think a lot of women are suspicious of such arrangements, often rightly.

Probably true but i have no further romantic interest in my ex ,,, ITS OVER.

Thanks for all replys so far , still confused but at least i realize that the truth is important in this

Think Im just going to move in with friends for a bit and explain my situation to the new girl

Chicago Chick

If possible I think it is a good idea to move in with a friend and explain your situation to this new girlfriend. As many others have mentioned the longer you leave it to tell her the worse it may come across to her. I know one particular person this happened to. He moved in with a friend of his and his girlfriend did the same and they rented the house to pay the mortgage for a while in the hope the market will pick up marginally and the house will sell. Would this be an option for you both?

magneticimpulse

drumlinsa wrote: »

Probably true but i have no further romantic interest in my ex ,,, ITS OVER.

Thanks for all replys so far , still confused but at least i realize that the truth is important in this

Think Im just going to move in with friends for a bit and explain my situation to the new girl

Thats not the point and it has nothing about being jealous...Ive shared enough house's with couples to know how uncomfortable it is. I had never dated the housemates, but for the like of Valentine weekends and their birthdays, id walk in the house, into the sitting room and there would be candles and soft music everywhere.

Needless to say...i wasnt going to be the gooseberry of that situation and had to go out to the pub even thou i didnt want to, but i wasnt going to sit in the sitting room staring at my housemate and his gf having romantic dinner.

Then with your situation...at into the equation that you lived with your ex, you had sex with her in the past, you must have loved her enough to buy a house together.

No person would feel comfortable coming home and having the ex in the house...or even how she feels? Has she moved on? Has she brought guys home?

Im just saying ive been in situations with housemates and there was no love interest what so ever and it was very awkward. Especially when the housemates head off and start shagging. As open minded as people are to all this...when you hear the dirty laughs, the banging against the wall....it can be iritating for anyone, let alone making your ex listen to it.

drumlinsa

Chicago Chick wrote: »

If possible I think it is a good idea to move in with a friend and explain your situation to this new girlfriend. As many others have mentioned the longer you leave it to tell her the worse it may come across to her. I know one particular person this happened to. He moved in with a friend of his and his girlfriend did the same and they rented the house to pay the mortgage for a while in the hope the market will pick up marginally and the house will sell. Would this be an option for you both?

Thanks, thats what im thinking ,i move in with a friend first then try to rent or sell ,, to tell you the truth my ex has been emotionally unfit to talk about the house situation , finding it too painful so far but ill have to try and get her to talk about it.

drumlinsa

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Thats not the point and it has nothing about being jealous...Ive shared enough house's with couples to know how uncomfortable it is. I had never dated the housemates, but for the like of Valentine weekends and their birthdays, id walk in the house, into the sitting room and there would be candles and soft music everywhere.

Needless to say...i wasnt going to be the gooseberry of that situation and had to go out to the pub even thou i didnt want to, but i wasnt going to sit in the sitting room staring at my housemate and his gf having romantic dinner.

Then with your situation...at into the equation that you lived with your ex, you had sex with her in the past, you must have loved her enough to buy a house together.

No person would feel comfortable coming home and having the ex in the house...or even how she feels? Has she moved on? Has she brought guys home?

Im just saying ive been in situations with housemates and there was no love interest what so ever and it was very awkward. Especially when the housemates head off and start shagging. As open minded as people are to all this...when you hear the dirty laughs, the banging against the wall....it can be iritating for anyone, let alone making your ex listen to it.

OK , i get where your coming from.

But I would not bring anyone home or do anything so insensitive to her , in fact im trying to keep this new girl away from my ex's knowledge as it would only cause her more unnecessary pain.

OS119

drumlinsa wrote: »

OK , i get where your coming from.

But I would not bring anyone home or do anything so insensitive to her , in fact im trying to keep this new girl away from my ex's knowledge as it would only cause her more unnecessary pain.

if thats the situation - that its all still so raw with your ex - then realisticly you have two options: don't have any relationships at all until your ex is a bit more 'healed', or move out and have relationships where she won't see them.

you need to find a permanent solution - if you move in with friends, but don't find a renting/selling solution with your ex, then you're going to have to move back in with your ex. if you think any potential GF's are going to be unimpressed with you living with your ex, just imagine how they'll take you moving back in with her.

the obvious solution to me, given how raw your ex's feelings still are, is that she moves out and starts afresh - you then need to gauge whether the house is best rented out as a single dwelling, rental houseshare or owner-occupier houseshare.

i don't think there is a 'good' solution here where you and your ex get your money back, she heals and you get to have relationships - my advice would be to not waste time looking for one.

magneticimpulse

You broke up a "short time ago". And your ex is still raw and healing. Seriously, do you think its realistic to bring a new girlfriend into the equation? I mean whatever about her understanding, does she know how soon it has been since you broke up and that your ex who is still living with you is raw about it.

I think its great that you took on peoples advice and you have decided to move out. But you still have to discuss this with your ex, who you said you cant.

Seriously, if this is a girl you used to love, the last thing you want to do is rub a new girlfriend under her nose. I dont think its really the new girl you should be worried about, but actually sorting out the mess and house with your ex.

You cant move forward, move on etc smoothly with a new relationship until you close and wrap everything up with the previous one. Seriously, your sounding a bit insensitive to you ex. I know you dont love her anymore...but at least try to have some compassion and approach her to finally have closure on the situation and house.

the gob

will she understand?

i doubt it op, would you?

Wonkagirl

I think if you've been as honest as you have been here, she shoudl be fine.. ie, that you tell her how smitten you are, that you have ZERO interest in the ex, and that it's merely finances that are keeping you there.

If she is also smitten, it wont be an issue. It's not ideal obv., but it shouldnt be a deal breaker.. if it is, then she's not the one for you anyway.

Dont delay any longer in telling her anyway. As others have eluded, she coudl easily find out from someone else- that would be pretty hard to recover from. Ireland is nowt but a village, everyone knows someone that knows someone, you know yourself..

Monkey61

It depends on the person OP. I wouldn't have a problem with it personally. When I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years we stayed living together for about 6 more months. I started going out with somebody new, told them the first time we met just as part of general getting to know you conversation and it was fine. It will only seem like a massive deal if you make it out to be one. In fact, two years later, I have just moved back in with my ex as part of a group houseshare (we are best friends still).

I know quite a few people in similar situations. It is perfectly normal, especially in the current climate. It isn't ideal...but life rarely is!

LegacyUser

depends on your wording of the situation also..
"I'm living in a house I bought with a girl I used to go out with and due to the current economic situation we're both stuck sharing the house together!" sounds a lot better than "I'm sharing with the ex"
Personally I'm afraid, unless I loved the person I wouldn't feel comfortable with a situation like that...but that's just me being insecure!!

LegacyUser

Why are you rushing into a new relationship? If its over that recently surely you need time to move on and time to move on includes sorting out your living arrangements....

Emme

If I had just met a guy and he told me that I'd leggit!:eek: