I am gay and I found out my brother is gay! What should I do?

LegacyUser

Hi! I am 18 and I was meant to be starting collage this year but due to a few reasons I'm not starting until 2011. Well basically I've know I was gay since I was around 13. I found it hard to accept at first but then I just decided to accept it and I did and was happy. However I knew I couldn't tell my parents that I was because they would hit the roof with me and the would be upset over not having grand kids and the family name being stopped and I took the attitude that at least the have my older brother he's 28! I did think for a while that he might be gay but I brushed the idea away.. I just said that they would never be two gay siblings.
My brother lives in Dublin and I'm here in Limerick and today I was up there with a friend and I noticed him with a guy. At first I tought he was just a friend and I noticed then they were holding hands and I followed them into a steak house kind of place. They didn't see me by the way and They kissed when they were in there. So basically my parents have two gay sons and they won't have grand kids so on. I am thinking now if my brother comes out at some stage. They'll expect me to have a family etc. I was thinking of coming out before him but I am total relying on my parents for finacial support and if they did find out they would want me out of home.
So what should I do?
Will my parents ever be able to accept that they have two gay sons?

Annasopra

do you really think your parents would kick you out of home?

Nevyn

Your brother could be bi, you don't know you are assuming
and you want to come out before your brother to make it easier on yourself
and pass on the possible burden of expectation from your parents and lessen
their disappointment with you? Isn't that a bit selfish?

Dwn Wth Vwls

It's not all that uncommon that more than one child in the family turns out gay, even if there's only two. What should you do about it? Well firstly, relax. There's no reason to rush into anything.

Your problem is that whoever outs themselves to your parents first, is going to make it harder for the other one. The solution is to out yourself to your brother first. Sit him down and say you have two things to say. Firstly, you saw him with a guy. Secondly, you're gay.

A problem shared is a problem halved as they say. You'll find out if he ever intends to have kids or not. Also at 18 you don't even really know yet if you want kids yet. If you think being gay stops you having kids, think again.

Rick_

Thaedydal wrote: »

Your brother could be bi, you don't know you are assuming and you want to come out before your brother to make it easier on yourself and pass on the possible burden of expectation from your parents and lessen their disappointment with you? Isn't that a bit selfish?

No more selfish than the parents "burden of expectation" of grand-children from their sons I would have thought.

Beruthiel

gayfamily wrote: »

I just said that they would never be two gay siblings.

I have/had (one's dead now) two gay uncles, from the same family, so it does happen.

So basically my parents have two gay sons and they won't have grand kids so on.

That's never a given either way. There are many other reasons for not having children, gay or not.
These days, being gay doesn't mean you can't have any. There are many families out there with gay parents.
Where there's a will, there's a way.

DubArk

Not uncommon at all to have siblings that are gay. I know a set of triplets; two guys and a girl… all are gay. My best mate and his only sibling, his brother is gay.

On the expectation of grandchildren let’s not jump the gun there yet!

After all you are only 18 years old and if I were you and you really are scared that your parents will kick you out; then say nothing till you are financially independent.

What right have your parents to think that you are your brother are on this earth to produce grandchildren and carry their name on for them. It is difficult for parents to see that to start with but most (not all) realise that their children’s happiness is paramount.

So chill, let your older brother gets on with what he needs to do and say nothing till you’re good and ready.

PS Don’t rat on your brother. Treat him in exactly the same manner you would like to be treated. Get that education sorted out first.

Doop

Blackmail your brother, and thats your financial problems taken care of... simples

and then...er....em


ill get my coat

sunshineoh9

sit down and have a talk with your brother... being gay doesn't always mean no kids, for all you know your brother wants kids when he meets the right man. he could also be bisexual or just curious. instead of freaking out over the whole thing just have a serious conversation with him and don't just think about yourself in this situation.... his arse is on the line too if your parents are really like that.

hey, who knows? you and your brother could end up being moral support to each other and come out together!

MicraBoy

yeah i know families with 3 gay sons so ya know there's always worse off than you

But seriously I think you should have a chat with your brother, it's silly not have each other to rely on in this situation.

Abhainn-Rivers

Possibly whats making matters worse is that you have so many scenarios running around your head and no way to vent them. Chat to your brother and if you feel ready tell him you're gay and ask him if theres anything he wants to share. You only need to deal with what is manageable for you and taking responsibility for your parents desire for grandkids and so on won't help them, your brother or yourself.

Mike 1972

gayfamily wrote: »

and the would be upset over not having grand kids and the family name being stopped

Gay or not that would be a pretty stupid reason to have children.

If and when you decide to have (or not to have) children it should be based entirely what you (and your partner) want and not anyone else.

scudzilla

You're gay, you're brothers gay, is it still incest if it's gay sex?

Abhainn-Rivers

scudzilla wrote: »

You're gay, you're brothers gay, is it still incest if it's gay sex?

Since incest is defined as, "sexual relations between people classed as being too closely related to marry each other. the crime of having sexual intercourse with a parent, child, sibling, or grandchild.", then yes its still incest since sibling doesn't preclude same-sex siblings.

Also, waaay off topic! And not funny.

rainbow kirby

scudzilla wrote: »

You're gay, you're brothers gay, is it still incest if it's gay sex?

Infracted. You're not funny.

L1011

Abhainn-Rivers wrote: »

Since incest is defined as, "sexual relations between people classed as being too closely related to marry each other. the crime of having sexual intercourse with a parent, child, sibling, or grandchild.", then yes its still incest since sibling doesn't preclude same-sex siblings.

Also, waaay off topic! And not funny.

Actually, in Ireland, its not; cause our incest laws were written when any sex between men was illegal and they forgot to update them. So its only illegal between brother and sister, not the other two combos. Wonders of Fianna Fail ministers for justice...

Abhainn-Rivers

Mike 1972 wrote: »

Gay or not that would be a pretty stupid reason to have children. If and when you decide to have (or not to have) children it should be based entirely what you (and your partner) want and not anyone else.

Lots of people have children because its expected within their community and breaking away from such expectations can prove overwhelming for many people for a variety of reasons. Besides by the sounds of if the original poster seems to be more concerned with not hurting his family which is fair enough as many people find this to be the most debilitating aspect to coming out.

Abhainn-Rivers

MYOB wrote: »

Actually, in Ireland, its not; cause our incest laws were written when any sex between men was illegal and they forgot to update them. So its only illegal between brother and sister, not the other two combos. Wonders of Fianna Fail ministers for justice...

Oh right well I wasn't answering on the legality of incest but on the definition of the word which seemed to be scudzilla's main question. Aside from legality there is also the social taboo or religious aspects to incest.

Thanks for the tid-bit though.

Mike 1972

Abhainn-Rivers wrote: »

Lots of people have children because its expected within their community.

Just because "lots of people" do something stupid (not to mention pretty damn irresponsible) it doesnt make it any less stupid.

Abhainn-Rivers wrote: »

breaking away from such expectations can prove overwhelming for many people for a variety of reasons.

I thought this was Boards.ie not Boards.af ???

In any case if one is having trouble resisting such "community pressures" then they really should consider moving to another community -preferably at least 100 miles away (though not Afghanistan obviously)

hotmail.com

Parents don't have children with the hope of them having children. Most parents just want their kids to be happy. So get having kids or feeling guilty out of your head.

ninty9er

I'm an only child...pretty much the same issue was to the fore in my mind telling my parents. However, as some good friends have pointed out to me, being gay does not = no kids.

At least you have your brother, who would appear to be comfortable with his life. Tell him, then tell your parents if that works out, and if not you'll always have your brother anyway. Most mothers will have an incling, mine did anyway, and I wouldn't be easily identifiable as gay.

The liklihood of your parents rejecting 2 kids is so low that it's barely on the radar from the outside world.

Also, is there a chance that your brother has already told your parents but asked them to give him time to tell you himself?

From where I'm sitting, I'd be pretty happy if I had an older brother to go to to talk about it.

Heebie

I'd have to say that you should come out to your big brother & tell him how you feel.. and that you saw him kissing that other fella. (Maybe tell him you saw him kissing the other one first.. something like, "Hey, I saw you kissing that fella in the steak house, and it made me think I can tell you this. I'm gay.")

Then you can see where the conversation goes from there.

As some mentioned.. it is pretty common for there to be a fair number of gay & bisexual people within the same family.. If you & your bro are both gay.. it would actually make it MORE likely that other boys in the family would be gay as well. (If your folks had any other boys.)

My family, like someone else above.. I've got myself, a male cousin, and 2-3 female cousins. (probably more by now.. but those would be the ones I know about.. and just the ones from my generation.)

First step: come out to your bro.. you'll have at least one person who knows.. and so will he!

foggy_lad

Live your own life, don't rely on other people to make it easier for you by taking the limelight off you. Tell others that you are gay if you must but when the time is right for you. I would think acceptance is more about not having to tell/come out to anyone that you are gay?

Jinxi

Firstly, who says your parents won't have grandchildren?

Secondly, I think you just got handed a gift! If you are that worried about your parents reaction, you just found an ally in your brother. The fact is that as someone mentioned, parents just want their children to be happy. Your parents have gay children. There is no alternative!

Talk to your brother, see what he says. Break it to them together. As you guys are your parents only children, I would be willing to bet they aren't going to disown either of you. Chances are your parents already have a clue about one or both of you