Nobody likes me!

LegacyUser

I'm a female in my early twenties, althought this thread will most likely make me sound about 14.

I'm a full time student, and most of my course involves dealing with the general public. I have a part time job.

I have college friends, but I never really see them outside. Most people do see each other other than in lectures.

I talk to my classmates, but conversation wanes. I do all the asking about them part (and I genuinely do want to hear). I have hobbies and interests, so it's not that I have nothing to say.

Nobody ever texts me. If I text first, sometimes they reply, but not always. When I call people, they rarely pick up. On things like facebook, people have always accepted my friend requests, but I never receive any. Nobody ever texts or calls me.

The funny thing is, that in my part time job and in the part of college that involves dealing with people, people really take to me very quickly. It's just social settings that I seem to have trouble with.

I don't really drink, so I could imagine that being a problem, except I'm fairly sure nobody knows that I don't...

I'm really at a loss... All suggestions are welcome.

LegacyUser

Just to add a bit more. I'm certain that I don't smell bad.

Another thing is... I know I'm not at all bad looking, but I NEVER get any male attention either. The whole situation is really beginning to upset me.

In any conversation where opinions are being expressed, people seem to go out of there way to disagree with me.

I'm quite confused.

I don't bitch or gossip. I don't dress hideously unfashionably. I'm not a member of a fanatical religious group, and I do have a sense of humour...

LegacyUser

Also, my not seeing people is purely their lack of interest. I have tried to initiate plans, but they always mysteriously seem to fall through. Very mysteriously.

I love what I do.

College for me is mainly about the degree, so I'm not unhappy. I'm just bothered by this situation.

kylith

Have you tried joining any groups or societies? Even outside college?

LegacyUser

kylith wrote: »

Have you tried joining any groups or societies? Even outside college?

Thank you very much for replying. Yes. People still don't seem to take to me.

I know it's not them, and it must be me because the problem seems to follow me everywhere. It's a long standing issue.

Whenever I make a friend, he/she soon finds someone they find more interesting... I always try to embrace the new person, but I still get painted out of the picture.

The confusing part is how well I get along with clients of the business I work for and members of the public I see as part of the course. Children generally love me. I get on very well with some family members.

I don't have any social phobias. I consider myself to be quite somfortable in my own skin, if slightly awkward. Perhaps I'm a bit too polite and formal?

kylith

I'm in the same situation myself. I've never found it easy to make friends and have only really made one new friend since secondary school. I have an odd sense of humour and I read a lot so some people think I'm odd. I also get on much better with men than with women and that can make making friends difficult.

The main thing is to try not to worry about it, there's nothing worse than coming across as desperate, or as someone who'll put up with anything in order to have someone to hang out with. I'd rather spend every night by myself than one night a week with people who only like me because of what I can do for them.

Join clubs that you're interested in rather than ones you think will get you friends and just be yourself. One person who likes you for who you really are is worth 10 people who like a false personality.

tinkerbell

Could it be that the minute you meet someone new and they may be a potential friend, that you come across way too strong and clingy?

lazygal

tinkerbell wrote: »

Could it be that the minute you meet someone new and they may be a potential friend, that you come across way too strong and clingy?

I was going to say this too. I've been friends with people that were "too much, too soon" and came on far too strong. It was like they had to hold on tight because I was the only friend they had and they were terrified of losing me.
Take it easy OP, I took a long time to "grow into myself". I haven't got a lot of friends, most people only have a small group of reliable friends and more people who are "aquaintances". Like you, even though I am an attractive enough person I never had a proper boyfriend until I was 25. Now a couple of years on I'm engaged, planning a wedding and had a fantastic engagement party. It'll come together eventually don't worry!

poisonated

Please don't take offence but it may be, as others have said, that you are too clingy and lack confidence. The reason I say this is because you posted 3 times in a row. I could be wrong though.

astra2000

Hi op you have mentioned that you get on well with family members, would it be possible to ask one of them to be honest with you and tell you if they see something that you have not noticed? To be honest I think that if you are happy with yourself and are confident that you are a good person you should worry a bit less about making friendships and concentrate on what you enjoy doing. You may be trying too hard and putting people off.
You speak about clients you work with maybe you tend to treat all the people you meet like clients without realising it. Keep on doing the things you enjoy and try not to become too caught up in this best of luck

panda100

poisonated wrote: »

Please don't take offence but it may be, as others have said, that you are too clingy and lack confidence. The reason I say this is because you posted 3 times in a row. I could be wrong though.

I actually got the opposite from the OP's posts. She is painting herself as the perfect person with no flaws whatsoever. Op, do you by any chance come across as maybe a bit arrogant to people, I got a tinge of this especially when you were reinforcing how great you are at your work.
The other red herring was that people go out of their way to disagree with you. This strikes me as very,very odd and I'm just wondering how you come across to people for them to act this way.

My advice is their is bound to be at least one person out there you click with. Have you been on any class nights out, in uni thats a huge part of making friends and getting to know people.

astra2000

panda100 wrote: »

I actually got the opposite from the OP's posts. She is painting herself as the perfect person with no flaws whatsoever. Op, do you by any chance come across as maybe a bit arrogant to people, I got a tinge of this especially when you were reinforcing how great you are at your work.
The other red herring was that people go out of their way to disagree with you. This strikes me as very,very odd and I'm just wondering how you come across to people for them to act this way.

My advice is their is bound to be at least one person out there you click with. Have you been on any class nights out, in uni thats a huge part of making friends and getting to know people.

Maybe panda100 you could have hit the nail on the head, some people are just that bit too nice too perfect too good at everything and this can be off putting to others. Like I suggested already op speak with someone whos opinion you value and try not to let it get to you.

Vanhalla

I like you

LegacyUser

hey op,

Your post sounds similiar to something I could have wrote except Im a guy. I also dont drink so this could have something to do with it but Im not sure as Im good craic out and fit in perfectly with whoever Im with. I also never get invited anywhere unless I ask or just go anyway. However Im a bit shy when it comes to meeting new people and making new friends (have the same ones in college as I did in secondary school with a few exceptions) I am also inexperienced in the love department as the thought of chatting up a girl scares the sh!t out of me.

However I dont really care any more it used really bug me but as someone above said I would much prefer to be by myself than with a group who didnt want my company. Im trying to be more sociable but it doesnt seem to be working. anyway your not alone and best of look.

LegacyUser

Hello everybody. Thank you all for replying.

I wasn't trying to point out how good I am at things - I just wanted to make it clear that I love what I do, I'm not generally unhappy and this seems to be solely a social issue. I suppose, if I had friends I'd probably call myself a people person. My job and my college course are unrelated, but both require trust, and nobody has hesitated to trust me.

I don't think I'm clingy at all. My three first posts were put there purely because I started the thread on the spur of the moment and had excluded certain things. For example, it was quite necessary to mention that I'm not forgetting to wash, and clarify that I'm not unhappy. I probably was quite clingy when I was about 13 or 14, so I actively try not to be, but I do so without being aloof.

I don't think I'm overconfident either. Socially, I'm not all that confident. I fake it to an extent, but not to the extent of arrogance.

Whoever told me not to overthink this probably had a point!

As far as the disagreeing thing goes: For example, the other day I was talking to a girl in my year. She expressed an opinion. I agreed, because she had a point. She quickly changed her mind. This is not the first time that has happened.

I was standing in a group the other day. People were discussing study. I asked one boy what he thought of a certain lecture (just by way of chat, not any kind of attempt at flirtation!). He said it was fine... end of conversation. He sort of just turned away. Another girl came along and asked him. He started a conversation with her, and they're not particularly friendly with one another. This is a regular enough occurrence, not just a one off.

I have had friends. Most were male. It's not that I dislike other women... However, many other females seemed to dislike me, and this was the case even before males seemed to also. One day I asked a male friend why other women don't like me. He had noticed it too, and said it was probably because I'm quite pleasant and non-threatening and people don't trust that. He cut contact with me a few months later.

Most people seem to dislike me passively, not actively. It's more that they wouldn't notice if I missed a few weeks of college (not that I ever have, just for example). Also, 90% of the time, the seats near me are the last to fill up.

I don't avoid social events. I also don't initiate chat about study and exams at them. I just never seem to improve my situation by going to them. People talk to me sometimes like I'm a child, which I find odd to say the least...

I do have one or two people I get on with, but one has expressly stated that she won't stay in contact with anyone from college afterwards. Another boy spent lots of time with me over the summer, but now seems to almost ignore me at college.

And it's not that I'm flawless. It's just that I know others with more extreme versions of most of my foibles, and they have loads of friends.

I have a bit of a different sense of humour. I'm slightly opinionated (genuinely only a bit, nothing extreme). I actually enjoy hard work.

I am taking all suggestions on board, even if they seem unlikely now. I know it's my problem and not that of others and I really want to sort it out.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,
If only we could see ourselves as others do, even for just one day, you'd have a lot of answers then I reckon. On your own this is a difficult task but I found that when I was in a relationship with somebody it was like I had a mirror with me everywhere I went. When youre going out with somebody you just get this massive perspective into how the world sees you. Which was kinda crap I guess, as this would be more useful to you when youre single.
Its hard to say why others dont take to you OP. But what I do know is that people are very fickle in their nature. Have you seen that show on itv, "Take me out." If you ever needed to see the fickle nature of people in all its horrible glory then watch that show. A line of girls rejecting a guy because they dont like his shoes or his taste in music or because his voice isnt deep enough or whatever. Very silly and superficial things that people will reject another person over. Somebody could take a dislike to you because you look like the kid who bullied them in school or because you have a trait that reminds them of a similiar trait they have themselves but dont like(which in essence means that they are really not liking themselves). People in general are often very insecure. I know a guy whos super at sports, pretty much a natural athlete, good at everything he does. But there are people who hate him, cant stand his company and it all comes down to their own insecurities, they feel inadequate around this guy(and hes not a big head or a boaster).
Alcohol is an interesting one. I dont drink myself and I found that when I gave up the booze that people who enjoyed my company when I did drink no longer invited me out for nights on the town or gigs. I was basically excluded because I didnt drink. And again, thats all down to the insecurity of others. Drinkers dont like to be around non drinkers because they feel inadequate or that they cant let loose around sober people for fear of looking foolish. So because you dont drink that could be a factor.
You could turn yourself inside out trying to figure out the reasons why people dont take to you. But its a waste of time because the chances are those people dont even realise themselves why they dont like you, its not a conscious choice theyre making. Bottom line is dont try and figure out what will make people like you. Be considerate of others and dont be self absorbed but dont sell yourself out and chase after people just so you have somebody to hang out with on a saturday night.