Unhappy in life and don't know how to change it

LegacyUser

Hi, am going to keep this as short as possible. I am a 24 year old girl with a good job, friends and a good social life but I feel so empty sometimes and am at a loss to know how to change it. There are a few issues which make me feel this way.

First of all my job. I have a permanent job which I despise. It's not the work I don't like, it's the whole situation. I only work with one other person a 40 something year old man and I feel so isolated. I don't want to go into too much detail. He is lazy and if I need something for my job it takes months to get it done. He neglects his work and I have to do it. It's not something I can say to him because he is the boss and it would make my time even more miserable there if he knew I felt this way. My job is in a biggish town where I know nobody and because of my job I can't meet anybody. I have joined clubs in things that I liked but there was nobody my age there.

It's my third year in the job and every night I cry myself to sleep dreading the next day. I was commuting from home but the drive is hour and a half long so am moving to this area in two weeks. This is my third different house in the area. I lived with one guy in my first year who was never there and lived with three girls last year who weren't that nice or friendly. So here I am, deeply unhappy in my third year of a job, unsettled, dreading the thoughts of work every day and if this houseshare doesn't work out, the lonliness of having nobody to talk to for a lot of the day makes me so sad. I want to leave this job but in the area I am in, there have been so much cutbacks I doubt I will get another one so easily. I don't want to be sitting at home next year, giving it to say to people I gave up a permanent job as they won't know the real reasons. Even my Dad has said to me I am stupid to leave it but I am so unhappy there I don't know what else to do.

Next issue is my relationship with others. In the past two years of my life, a lot of people have taken a dislike to me. My close friends will say that I am friendly, bubbly, kind, a good listener etc. I know myself I treat people well because its one thing that annoys when I see people being blatantly mean to each other. If I am like this then why do people not seem to like me? I lived with three girls last year. None of us knew each other at the start. The three girls got really friendly, invited each other to their home towns, told me about it on Sunday's but never invited me. We moved out of the house at summer and on facebook, I see photos of their meet ups. I texted them at different stages over summer and got one message or two back but thats it. So obviously they want nothing to do with me now. I went on holidays over summer with friends. One girl who I thought was my friend accused me of being with a guy she fancied. The guy came over to me and talked to me but I wasn't with him as I knew she said earlier on in the night she liked him. I came back to the group and the girl went ballistic at me over this. I have tried telling her I wasn't with him so many times but she doesn't believe me. None of my other friends saw so can't comment. Sometimes I think if I didn't text or call any of my friends for a month, only two of them would call me. I seem to always make the effort to meet up etc.

I know you might think I seem like a drama queen and on reading back over my post I do but I really am not like that. I am so unhappy over these two issues and don't know how to change them. I hate feeling sad all the time. I cried to a friend about this and she just didn't understand. I don't look forward to anything anymore. I am scared about the new househare. I am scared that I will never be at a point in my life where I am happy. I am scared to admit to people how unhappy I am. I feel paranoid that people don't like me and when I see girls who treat people so badly, who are blatantly rude, who have lots of friends it upsets me. This wasn't such a big issue before but each day just seems like a struggle. I would love any advice from people who have been in a similar situation. Thanks for reading and getting this far.

Roselm

Hi,

I just wanted to reply to your post to let you know that someone has read what you have said and empathises (?sp with you.

I don't know if this is of any help but you have said that your close friends say you are a good listener etc but that your housemates etc didn't get along with you. Remember that people can be very different to each other. Some people are very closed minded about who they could consider a friend. It might be that you just weren't their sort of person without that meaning that you actually did anything wrong or are not a nice person.

I had this experience in college-I just didn't get why my flatmates(who i didn't know before beginning there) went out of their way to exclude me once they had gotten to know me) so I know how this can hurt. I think rather than feeling it is you that is the problem it might give you some comfort to think of it as the other person as being the source of the problem.

I know this doesn't actually change the situation but you have said that you do have friends that care for you and respect you and that means a lot.
I know that you had an argument with one of your friends and I can see that you have read this sequence of events as a trend forming but sometimes a silly amount of things go wrong at one time.

Would it give you any peace of mind to talk to your friends (who really are your friends) and ask for advice? Maybe they would have more insight into what's been happening. Regardless they will be a friendly ear which can do a world of good.

Hope that's of some help.
And please don't feel alone. You will be alright. x

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Aww thats very difficult, i know where you are coming from, to be on your own like that is not easy, i have been very lonely in life on many occasions, my mum moved away when i was 18 and i never lived with my Dad i was on my own after that and i had such low times i didnt know if i wanted to live on. Basically what i had to do was a complete overhall over my life like i had to let go of so many old crappy friends and ask for better out of life,

if you cannot go to a friend and have a cry and get some understanding then they are not your friends, you may be used to a certain type of people because of what you grew up around but now you can create a new life with new people. It is not the worst things to be on your own if you like your own company but to even have one friend that you can share with is a totally necessity, you have not mentioned your family at all and i get the impression you are not close with them so this is even harder for you cause you have to find a friend outside of your family and i know how hard that is, but you defo need someone, at one stage it was just me and my therapist but i used to love going to her each week to have someone to hear and understand me, i got great relief from that, you need to have people and situations in your life where you get positive things about you reflected back to you so your confidence can build, i also did a great meditation course in the dublin budhust centre i think it has moved to Tempell Bar now but everyone was needing something in their life and we all got so much out of the conversation and meditation techniques, its not mad hippyish or that but people became good pals after it and it is a positive connection to think of people with.

So i think you should maybe see a therapist and create a space just for you to be heard and listened to, also start assessing your friends and who is a true friend, dont feel bad about stopping putting effort into people, its a bit like out with the old so you can make way for the new.

I am now very fulfilled in the social area im actually enjoying being at home on my own a lot, im a real home bird, i love cooking and watching telly and my DVD's i really embrace what makes me happy and just try and enhance that, i know that there is better relationships always coming my way i always feel that the more my self esteem grows the better life gets!

I just want you to know that you are not alone, and there is a deeper connection we all have with people, some times i dont speak to anyone in my life for days but i have great chats with a stranger on a bus etc.... anyway im waffling now, i hope just talking helps its always the best thing for me! A good oul chat!

LegacyUser

I really sympathise with you. I was in a job in a small office before and it was awful. My boss sounds quite similar to yours, really lazy, left everything to the last minute and then I suffered the consequences. In short she just didn't know what she was at. I was made redundant in the end so I didn't have to make a decision to leave. I'm only telling you this to let you know you're not alone.
As regards living with people and making friends... I've been on both sides of the fence. I lived with 3 other people and had tons in common with 2 of them and so we did things together. I got along with the other girl in a housemate kind of way but we just weren't on the same page. I was always nice to her and used to force myself to include her but the others just didn't want that, and to be honest looking back I think they were right. I was just being nice for the sake of it and didn't really enjoy spending time with her..not because I didn't like her just little things like we didn't find the same things funny etc and it was just such an effort. Anyway, the tables turned when the two housemates I got along with moved away. I became the outcast and didn't get along with the new housemates while the other girl made new friends! So it just goes to show, some people you're just not going to get along with and its not a reflection on you. Sorry I can't offer much advice but know that your situation isn't unusual! The work situation sounds tough, good on you for sticking at it and commuting too - you're a survivor. Hope you find people you get along with soon!!

LegacyUser

I'm in the same position as you, op. I'm working in a small office where my ignorant boss dumps work on me, tells me I don't ask for enough help then doesn't help me when I ask for help. My colleagues pretty much ignore me because they don't want to get involved in my problems with getting work done, but when they've got issues, I never hear the end of it until I sort their problem.

It's a real old boy's club. They've all carved a massive rut for themselves so anyone who doesn't tow the line with what "works" is a problem for them. I'm in tears every night. I've stopped half way to work several times a week and contemplated going home.

On the friends front, most of my mates have moved on and I'm finding it hard to connect with people despite my best efforts to get out there. It feels like a struggle.

I still do it though, and I'm still hopeful. I've been looking for a new job because quite frankly, staying where I am will result in an ugly breakdown for me and I've been plugging away at new hobbies.

I guess getting over the fear and having hope is the hard part.

Distorted

unhappyallday wrote: »

First of all my job. I have a permanent job which I despise. It's not the work I don't like, it's the whole situation. I only work with one other person a 40 something year old man and I feel so isolated. I don't want to go into too much detail. He is lazy and if I need something for my job it takes months to get it done. He neglects his work and I have to do it. It's not something I can say to him because he is the boss and it would make my time even more miserable there if he knew I felt this way. My job is in a biggish town where I know nobody and because of my job I can't meet anybody. I have joined clubs in things that I liked but there was nobody my age there.

It's my third year in the job and every night I cry myself to sleep dreading the next day. I was commuting from home but the drive is hour and a half long so am moving to this area in two weeks. This is my third different house in the area. I lived with one guy in my first year who was never there and lived with three girls last year who weren't that nice or friendly. So here I am, deeply unhappy in my third year of a job, unsettled, dreading the thoughts of work every day and if this houseshare doesn't work out, the lonliness of having nobody to talk to for a lot of the day makes me so sad. I want to leave this job but in the area I am in, there have been so much cutbacks I doubt I will get another one so easily. I don't want to be sitting at home next year, giving it to say to people I gave up a permanent job as they won't know the real reasons. Even my Dad has said to me I am stupid to leave it but I am so unhappy there I don't know what else to do.

Next issue is my relationship with others. In the past two years of my life, a lot of people have taken a dislike to me.

I was in a job just like that a few years ago. I stuck it for 2 years. Except the man I worked with was 50. He was quite pleasant really but he had a really loud voice and we both crammed into a tiny office so I struggled to concentrate when he was on the phone, which was basically 2/3 of the time. That was why he couldn't do much work and I had to do it, despite being new - he couldn't prioritise and would spend ages on the phone. It was also a bit of an old boy's club - they even all went to the same school! The other staff there were admin and they were all horrid to me because I was senior to them and new. One of them used to make remarks about me like "You're ages with D (the man I shared a room with), I don't know why you don't get on with him". He was 49 at the time and I was 33!?! There was another man of my level who worked 3 days a week for vast sums as a consultant, again quite pleasant but not up to date in his skills at all. The only friend I had in the place was a young disabled girl in the admin room and when she died (yes, died, at the age of 23), I was very depressed.

It was a vast employer but there was nothing social organised that people new to me to the city would have found useful for meeting others. I barely ever met anyone outside my small department. There wasn't even a Christmas party or meal!

Likewise, I had high expectations of flatmates but they never seem to make great friends. I think a lot of people want to keep their existing friends and their home lives seperate. Unless you actually move in with friends. I was fortunate that I met people though my club but they were mainly all students as the native inhabitents of the city are notoriously unfriendly to outsiders!

It was awful and I resigned after 2 years. However, I almost wish I hadn't because in retrospect I was beginning to make friends through my hobbies and have retained them even though I've been away two years (so they must have been good friends). And the job, although tediously boring, was safe and with a good pension, D has left as well now and there was no-one that unpleasant that you sometimes end up with in jobs. Plus I was so unhappy, I somehow felt really alive, rather than just drifting through life. I almost wish I had stuck it out now but the girl dieing was such a blow. I might go back!

So my advice to you is to stick it out OP and make as much out of it as you possibly can. I had to relearn how to make friends, eg by asking questions about people I didn't really know that well and being interested in them, and its stood me in good stead. You just need a few good friends and then you're away!

LegacyUser

Hi all OP here. Thanks for the kind words of you all. My job isn't an office situation really but as I mentioned I don't want to go into too much detail about it but nice to hear I'm not the only one who's job is the bane of their life as it is mine.
It's comforting to know that it might not be me that's the problem because honest to God I wouldn't know what to change about myself if it was. I'm not being cocky or arrogant but I am friendly etc and all I mentioned in my original post and I suppose this is why it upsets me so much.

The situation with the girls I lived with last year was a bit strange. We got on in the housemate sense, we would go to the cinema together and on nights out but the other girls became much closer than me. We all knew each other the same length of time. I didn't have a problem with them up until they went to each others home county to go out and didn't invite me and they would speak about the great time they had on Sunday evenings in front of me. Then when I came back from holidays over summer, there was photos on facebook of the two of them and one of the girls boyfriend after playing golf and having a barbecue and have been more photo's since. I guess I'm just scared of history repeating itself with the new houseshare. It would probably kill me if I moved in with more people who didn't like me and that on top of my job just makes me sort of worry before the situation even evolves if you understand me.

Another thing that upsets me is that a family relative lives in this town. In the last two years I have not received a call or a text from her inviting me to her house for so much as a cup of tea. At the beginning I would call to her house but as I wasn't invited I stopped. Its as if she doesn't acknowledge I live there. I don't expect us to be best friends but she knew at the start I knew nobody and I was bewildered at the lack of contact on her part. She only rang me last week because she had a friend who was renting out a room and wanted to know if I'd be interested.

Nobody apart from one friend knows the depth of my unhapiness with life and even I don't think she knows how bad it is. I am literally counting the days down until my next time off, counting the days until Christmas and so on. I find it hard to talk about these things with friends. I don't know if any of you have the same problem but I always feel like everybody else just has this perfect life and even when they do have problems they don't discuss them. I know three or four friends like this, where they just seem to drift through life and even if they had an issue they would never talk about it.

I have thought about going back to college but I really believe if I had a workplace I was happy in I would enjoy my job. I don't know how I can improve my situation really and who knows, whos to say I'd be happy in the next job if I left this one? I would love to look forward to going to work, look forward to living with nice people. I just feel so negative constantly and am tired of lying to my friends on a night out saying oh life is good or whatever. Every one of my friends who moved away for work managed to live in a county where they knew people so its easier for them as they don't have this added pressure of knowing people and getting to know them.

I don't know how to help myself here and the thoughts of moving into the new houseshare and facing the same situation along with my job are just really hard to face.