married and in love with another man

LegacyUser

I am married for 10 years with two young children. I am confused and dont know what to do. I have been married to my husband for a long time and i dont even have the excuse that he is mean or a bad guy. The truth is he is a lovely, gentle, kind and caring guy who i care for greatly. However for the last few years I have fallen out of love with him. I have tried to supress it and carry on regardless. I have tried to take up a hobby with him or have special nights just for us ... no kids. I have tried everything to fall back in love with him ... and failed. It was at this point that I figured he is a fantastic guy, so what if im not in love with him. I do care about him and will do my best to make him happy regardless of my needs both for his sake and for our two boys.

However, recently i have met another man. I have fallen head over heals madly in love with him. I have known him for about 6/7 months now. I could see what was happening between us and I tried to stay away, to the point where i even changed jobs. He was very respectful of the fact that i was married. Until one knight we were met out for a friends party and he told me exactly how he felt, even mentioning marrage and kids. Seeing him again and hearing how much he cared for me only made matters worse for me. I cant stop thinking about him and wanting to be with him, to make him happy and see him smile. My conscience is wraked with guilt ... even though I never cheated on my husband. The thought of leaving my husband and being the cause of his pain is unbearable to me. Although i am not in love with him, i know he is in love with me. Then the guilt of distroying my childrens family as they know it is a whole other matter. No matter how much i try my feelings for the other man grow stronger every day. I want so badly to be with him but I have no valid reason to leave my husband and cause so much pain other then my own selfish feelings. My heart is telling me to go but my head is telling me that my responsabilities out weigh my own desire and happiness.

Do i denie my heart and stay with my husband? Or do i appreciate that life is short and i should listen to my heart and take what is coming to me.

coolcat63

You obviously think of a lot of your husband - he's 'lovely, gentle, kind and caring guy' and a 'fantastic guy'. What happens if you break up your family, with all the attendant heart ache, anguish and hurt and then in another 10 years fall out of love with other man? You strike me as being very led by your emotions (not a criticism!) but please try to look at this logically.

Have you discussed your feelings - not about the other man, but about your loss of love - with your husband? That, to me, should be the starting point.

LegacyUser

Ty for your reply. You are indeed very correct in saying that i am lead by my emotions in life... this is why it is soo difficult for me to go against them. I understand what you mean about falling out of love with the other man in 10 years, but to be honest i never felt this way about my husband. I know how that must sound but at the time i thought i was in love ... i wasnt. I was in love with the idea of being in love. What i feel for this other guy is much different and stronger then i could have anticipated.

I should really just listen to my head and stay with my husband, but can i live the rest of my life and make him happy knowing that i secretly want to be with someone else?

the gob

one things for sure op getting involved with another man wont solve your
problem
you say your in love with this new man but will you still love him when

a) your arguing night and day with your husband over the sale of the house
b) your children are crying,having trouble in school and blaming YOU for
their dad leaving
c)you have half the income you do now
d)your new man decides rearing someone elses young family is not for him
e) your family(including in laws) and friends shun you because they also blame you

you sound like an intelligent woman think long and hard about how
your actions will affect so many lives

Ickle Magoo

I think there are two separate issues here OP and you should look at them one at a time.

Firstly, you are not in love with your husband and it's not reasonable to expect someone to have to live a life with someone they aren't in love with or attracted to if they don't want to do that. You have to let your husband know you don't love him and make the necessary arrangements to go your own way - if that is what you want to do.

Then, you have the issue of the other man. To be honest while in a loveless relationship, kids and the daily grind I would be wary that it's not just a case of the grass being greener - he's been patient this long so a while longer isn't going to matter. Sort your head out and what you are going to do about your marriage out and try to take him out the equation while you do that.

If you decide to separate and have a settlement worked out and then you still want to pursue a relationship with the other guy then you are free to do so - but I think jumping from a marriage with kids into a relationship with a guy you can't possibly know very well is a recipe for disaster.

All the best

I am a friend

A couple of questions - did you only 'fall out of love' with your hubby after this guy told you that you had an alternative life waiting for you and how does your love grow stronger every day - do you talk to him every day?

LegacyUser

OP I once had a man tell me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, have kids with me, etc etc etc. I gave up a lot for him only to discover that he was having an affair with someone else.
You do not even know what it would be like to be in a relationship with this other man.
Men change their minds too.
I would suggest that you and you husband consider couples counseling.
I wish you well.

estar

just a few thoughts

- marriages dont just end, people stop communicating properly. how have you expressed to your husband your dissatisfaction level. he deserves to know so that he can fix it. it seems like you have been trying to fix it on your own. you can't, he must meet you in the middle.

- people grow apart over time, busy schedules, becoming parents you lose the "us" against the world element. this leaves you open to another person coming in who listens to you. your husband isnt listening to you, as if he was there wouldnt have been a vacancy

- women are emotional beings. they need to be listened to and understood to feel love. men dont really, i know this is a generalisation and not true for every case. sounds like your needs werent being met, and then this guy stepped in

- when were you last happy in the marriage

- what makes you think this wont happen with the new guy

- rather than going out on dates with your husband you should be seeing a marriage counsellor to really address the issues

- your children factor hugely in the decision. unless there is abuse in the marriage or people are fighting non stop then a broken home is not ideal. this is my belief. not everyone will agree with me, and you dont have to. its not to say that children without such a thing wont be ok, its just that its an advantage to them

- you speak about your husband as if he were another child, whose needs you meet and who you protect, where is the equality gone. you should be equals ie both bringing an equal share to the table. where you are weak he is strong and vice versa.

- dont leave the marriage for another guy. leave it and be on your own for a while if you are going to break it up. be respectful about the end of the relationship and take a break to find out who you are now and what you want.

- at the moment you are unhappy and this guy is appearing like the knight on the white horse remember he is just another human being. he isnt perfect and life with him would not be perfect either.

- maybe you need a break away - like a long weekend with some girlfriends to talk this over. trusted girlfriends.

- if you really want to forget this guy focus on his weaknesses. even not seeing him if you are still idolising the fantasy life you would have together is not solving the problems or addressing the issues

estar

dont make decisions just purely based on emotions. this is a mistake. if i was to make decisions based purely on my emotions i would have a lot of shoes, and no house.

not to trivialise things, just using an analogy.

you want to run away from your life

why? this to me is the question you need to answer, not which man should i be with.

CDfm

I agree with estar to a certain extent but will add this.

The issue you have is not tearing your family apart -as you are the one who is doing that. So take some personal responsibility and dont be so abstract.

If you are so certain of this guys feelings for you and the rightness of it you should leave to be with him as this would cause the least upheaval to the innocent parties here -your husband and children and leave them in the house.

So if you put this to the object of your affections what would his response be. You could ask him and if he was prepared to go with that at least you would know. Would he be prepared to take the children to live in his house.

So imagine you were to say this to the guy -what do you think his response would be ?

LegacyUser

needinghelp wrote: »

I am married for 10 years with two young children. I am confused and dont know what to do. I have been married to my husband for a long time and i dont even have the excuse that he is mean or a bad guy. The truth is he is a lovely, gentle, kind and caring guy who i care for greatly. However for the last few years I have fallen out of love with him. I have tried to supress it and carry on regardless. I have tried to take up a hobby with him or have special nights just for us ... no kids. I have tried everything to fall back in love with him ... and failed. It was at this point that I figured he is a fantastic guy, so what if im not in love with him. I do care about him and will do my best to make him happy regardless of my needs both for his sake and for our two boys.

However, recently i have met another man. I have fallen head over heals madly in love with him. I have known him for about 6/7 months now. I could see what was happening between us and I tried to stay away, to the point where i even changed jobs. He was very respectful of the fact that i was married. Until one knight we were met out for a friends party and he told me exactly how he felt, even mentioning marrage and kids. Seeing him again and hearing how much he cared for me only made matters worse for me. I cant stop thinking about him and wanting to be with him, to make him happy and see him smile. My conscience is wraked with guilt ... even though I never cheated on my husband. The thought of leaving my husband and being the cause of his pain is unbearable to me. Although i am not in love with him, i know he is in love with me. Then the guilt of distroying my childrens family as they know it is a whole other matter. No matter how much i try my feelings for the other man grow stronger every day. I want so badly to be with him but I have no valid reason to leave my husband and cause so much pain other then my own selfish feelings. My heart is telling me to go but my head is telling me that my responsabilities out weigh my own desire and happiness.

Do i denie my heart and stay with my husband? Or do i appreciate that life is short and i should listen to my heart and take what is coming to me.

You're in love with someone who you've known for 6 months and never even been in a relationship with? Get real.

The truth is that after 10 years every relationship becomes stale. I've been 17 years with my partner and theres been many times throughout our relationship where I've felt the spark was gone. What you must realise though is that the spark will always go. The excitement and lovey dovey feeling will always end and you begin to think "oh I've falling out of love" but with maturity I've begun to realise what love is. True love means respecting the person you're with and realising just how great a person they are even when these initial feelings go. True love is respecting the other person enough to be willing to sacrafice these feelings in order to be truly loyal.

Now I.M.O (and I expect lots of people to disagree) after such a long time in a relationship(when you still care for the person i.e not a case of the other partner abusing you/cheating etc.) there are only three type of people who will cheat : (1) The immature - who think that the first 5 years of affactuation last forever and somethings wrong when it doesn't (2) selfish people (3) People with no self control

The immature believe that the new guy they cheat with is the one....yet I guarantee that a few years on when the spark dies (again) they'll go off and cheat again OR if they're older will stay in the relationship but have something on the side.

The selfish are pretty self explanatory, they don't give a ****

And the people with no self control, realise that this is normal and that they still love their partner but just wont accept never having that initial excitment again and act on their urges (usually blaming alcohol)


After 17 years, I've had lots of ups, lots of downs, LOTS of opportunities to cheat but even when I was confused I held strong out of moral decency (and that was without kids involved)

I can honestly say with time and maturity I'm happier than ever and it was only when the spark died and that period of soul searching (and confusion) where I realised just how much I truly loved my partner (the first 5 years wasnt love it was excitment, infactuation, call it whatever but not true love)

This new guy is, well new. Hes exciting after 10 years but I guarantee after 10 years with him you'll find yourself in the exact same predicament as now.

So what do you know?
Well you know nothing about this guy. Until you actually are in a relationship with him for a decade you will never know his true colours. He could be completely wrong for you, could be a horrible father its the complete unknown.

Meanwhile the partner you currently with is a fantastic guy, is the father to your children and I'd assume a great father at that. At some point you really need to search and find out if after 10 years you're truly being mature about what you expect to happen in a relationship.

I'll leave on this note, THERE ARE KIDS INVOLVED, call me old fashioned but you should be doing everything possible to make this work, a fling with a guy you've never actually been with but apparently been in love with for 6 months will be so damaging for everyone.

I really hope you make the right decision, anyway I'm glad I did.

magneticimpulse

How do you know this man is really saying the truth to you? Maybe he likes that you are tied up at the moment in a marriage?

I just know from experience, ive met alot of guys who showed an interest in me, while still have very serious relationships and dating someone else. When I laid my cards on the table and said...lets do this, since you like me...lets go out!! And they basically ran away.

Some men go for options where they know there might not be full commitment, so I would be weary of this guy. You could end up ending a marriage and break up your family over something which is just a fling or not fully thought through.

Its hard for me to give you complete advice on your marriage...im not married, let alone for 10 years. I can imagine the honeymoon period is well and truly over...but at same time, alot of people just become "good friends" etc and companions. It really depends how you feel, you only have 1 life. But you have to decide is this new guy worth it? would he stick around for 10 years?

I think you might be in the grass is greener on the other side scenario. You dont seem to have major problems in your family unit at the moment. Hence is it wise to end it all?

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your advice. Some very sound and helpful suggestions. I never had any intention of moving straight in with the other guy. If i were to ever leave my husband it would be on my own. I believe you are all right, i have only known this guy for 6/7 months and i can not hurt so many people on something that i do not know is a true commitment. I have not talked to my husband about my feelings, to be honest i dont want to hurt him and if i were to decide to leave I wouldnt just up and run away with the kids and leave him in the dirt, i care about him to much to do that but maybe i should. Again thank you all, i have much thinking to do.

fungun

Be very careful. There is a powerful attraction in seducing someone else's wife.....but its often more the thrill of the chase than reality. If you have a happy stable marriage but are not 'in love' with your husband I would not lightly throw this away. Being 'in love' is something that does come and go for some couples during their reln and loving each other is what keeps them together through the bad patches. Id recommend couples counselling for you and your husband.

Id also try to stop seeing the other man for a while until you sort your marriage out one way or another but this is also the first thing your counsellor will tell you.

I could see what was happening between us and I tried to stay away, to the point where i even changed jobs. He was very respectful of the fact that i was married. Until one knight we were met out for a friends party and he told me exactly how he felt, even mentioning marrage and kids. Seeing him again and hearing how much he cared for me only made matters worse for me.

Sounds to me you had dealt well with it until you met him again....but him mentioning marriage and kids at that point sounds a bit odd to me, bit of a line.
Id try to get back to this place for now. Deal with your marriage issues first. You owe your husband that. And if your marriage fails, then take some time to consider your next steps.

G-Money

Just my initial thoughts. You say you've fallen out of love with your husband but you are in love with this guy. So lets say you end up with this new guy, what's going to change? I assume you were in love with your husband at the start and now that's not the case it seems. So how do you know the same thing won't happen with this new guy once the novelty wears off.

Plus have you really spent enough time with this guy to really get to know him? I've worked in my job for over 2 years and there's people on my team who I know but I couldn't tell you anything about them. My point being that just because you spend a limited amount of time with someone, doesn't mean that you actually know them.

darad

OP everyone deserves to be happy, life is too short for it to be otherwise. If you are not happy with your husband then leave, yes there will be consequences but they can be overcome. He deserves to be with someone who loves him and you deserve the chance of happiness with someone else. If you are both happy then its likely that your children will come through it ok.

Fittle

I agree with darad. Life IS too short to be unhappy and to 'stay for the sake of the kids'.

Many of us (including myself) were brought up in homes where one or other parent 'stayed for the sake of the kids' (back in the day) and hand on heart, I would have had a MUCH happier childhood had my parents split up.

I would hate to be caught up in the emotional turmoil you now find yourself in OP. As an aside, I'd love to find out how you so easily 'changed jobs' in the current economy, because of your attraction to this guy!!

You haven't mentioned much about this other guys situation OP? Is he 'available' or does he also have a partner/wife and kids to consider??

If he's free and single with no children, I would be mindful of leaving your husband for him - there are few single/child free men who could cope with the 'woman of their dreams' (sorry, don't mean to sound awful there) when she comes with two young children and all the routine that goes with school mornings/homework/playdates/behaviour etc etc.

If he does have a relationship and children, there are other people, outside your own family, to consider.

I definitely think you need to start the conversation with your husband. He deserves to know the woman he loves, doesn't love him. He deserves happiness too OP.

I genuinely wish you all the best OP, whatever decision you make.

CDfm

darad wrote: »

If you are not happy with your husband then leave, yes there will be consequences but they can be overcome.

And that is the operative phrase that it is your unhappiness and emotions that are driving this and you are the one who should leave.

Like others have said -the risk is that this is a crush that you have and havent acted on and the other man may not want what you want. That is the risk.

But if you make a move it should be with the least upheaval to others.

Ickle Magoo

If/how the OP decides to initiate a separation and what arrangement follow are for the OP and her husband to decide, not us.

magneticimpulse

needinghelp wrote: »

Thank you all for your advice. Some very sound and helpful suggestions. I never had any intention of moving straight in with the other guy. If i were to ever leave my husband it would be on my own. I believe you are all right, i have only known this guy for 6/7 months and i can not hurt so many people on something that i do not know is a true commitment. I have not talked to my husband about my feelings, to be honest i dont want to hurt him and if i were to decide to leave I wouldnt just up and run away with the kids and leave him in the dirt, i care about him to much to do that but maybe i should. Again thank you all, i have much thinking to do.

I think you better start thinking about having this conversation with your husband. Who knows, he prob has the same thoughts as well. Im sure he has some sort of knowledge that things have changed. You have been with him for over 10 years and im sure he can read you pretty well anyway.

It will be good to discuss it. He might have felt he has fallen out of love too but you wont know until you talk. And if you talk, maybe you can find that spark again

CDfm

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

If/how the OP decides to initiate a separation and what arrangement follow are for the OP and her husband to decide, not us.

I think the OP is caught between the lights here and is a bit blinded by and for the want of a better word I am saying "crush".

She is also saying that she doesnt want to hurt others.

My own thoughts are for the OP here -that given what she has said about herself she may do something she regrets either personally or on the hurt scale.

So for her just now the best situation may be to sit tight and talk to the guy. Her "crush" and happy ever after is putting the urgency on this.

If the guy feels the same as her she should establish it factually before acting.

jessiejam

OP ask yourself just one question before you make your decision.

If this other man wasn't on the scene, would you be even contenplating leaving your husband?

littlefish

OP I could swear that you are a me cloned.

I am in a fairly similar situation at the moment. Pretty much the exact same really.

I have not acted on these feelings I have as what the others are saying is fairly true. This could be a crush. It could just be the fact that you are getting noticed by someone else that is drawing you to this other man.

What I decided to do is wait to see if the person that I have feelings for tells me he feels the same. After all I am the one that is the married mother and the hormones and mixed emotions. If the guy tells me he feels the same I will have to look to act in some way with regards to the seperation of my marriage. I think that he has less to lose my declaring his love than what I do so I am leaving the ball in his court. I wouldn't mind only I am 99% sure that he feels the same however to me you need to be absolutely 100% sure that this is right for you as you may have no second chances with your husband if it isn't and quite often when people break up the one that does it has a nearly instant regret.

LegacyUser

The internet can be a dangerous place so be careful what you read, here and elsewhere.

My take is

Many people stay together in long term caring loving relationships for years and are reasonably happy.

Is the grass greener on the other side , will this new relationship return to the same point your in now after many years?

who knows.

You may be more happy or less happy with a new partner.
Lust/attraction wanes but personalities remain and you could well be happier with someone else.

Its your life , you have only one go round as far as Im concerned.

LegacyUser

OP, sometimes it's not your feelings that are important but the decisions you make based on them.

A close family member has come to me with a similar situation, except she's the "other woman". It's breaking her heart, and his. But he's married, there's kids involved...you want to think long and hard before you go doing anything about that.

Sometimes it's very well to say "sure go for it, it's life, you shouldn't spend it being unhappy". I don't deny that. But with some things you need to stop and think - go for it is not a good enough solution.

Everyone has posed excellent questions here, and the likelihood is that you won't find a definite answer inside yourself to every question. You have a lot more to lose here than he does. And the ball is entirely in your park to act upon - you're the married one. And no matter what you do, there will always be that tie to to your husband - your children. Can he deal with that? Does he know the reality of that-the reality of kids, of another man, the day-to-day boring mundane child stuff?

I think you need to stop and give your marriage it's best shot. Try counselling. Try whatever you can, so you can say hand on your heart (or to your kids when they ask in the future) that you tried, that you gave it every chance and it just didn't work out. Then and only then, consider getting to know this man (6/7 months of an aquaintance does not constitute knowing someone).

Either way no matter what you do (short of having an affair), it's going to be a long time before you actually might have a relationship with this man, and you might as well accept that.

seenitall

littlefish wrote: »

OP I could swear that you are a me cloned.

I am in a fairly similar situation at the moment. Pretty much the exact same really.

I have not acted on these feelings I have as what the others are saying is fairly true. This could be a crush. It could just be the fact that you are getting noticed by someone else that is drawing you to this other man.

What I decided to do is wait to see if the person that I have feelings for tells me he feels the same. After all I am the one that is the married mother and the hormones and mixed emotions. If the guy tells me he feels the same I will have to look to act in some way with regards to the seperation of my marriage. I think that he has less to lose my declaring his love than what I do so I am leaving the ball in his court. I wouldn't mind only I am 99% sure that he feels the same however to me you need to be absolutely 100% sure that this is right for you as you may have no second chances with your husband if it isn't and quite often when people break up the one that does it has a nearly instant regret.

A funny post by a true specimen of "monkey people".

If the bit of totty decides he wants to have a go, it is goodbye to the hubby - note, not any sooner than that!

Monkey people are those who never finish a relationship unless they have another one all lined up. Their best advice for this kind of situation is to cover all the bases well before making the jump from branch to branch - you certainly don't want to be left hanging mid-air. After all, regrettably, the abandoned OH may have some pride left and refuse to take you back if things fall through with the new "branch".

LegacyUser

You need to be honest with your husband, not about this other man, but about your feelings towards him. It's cheating him of his life to make him think he's in a happy relationship for the past 10 years when this is going on inside your head.
I've been in that situation. I've been told my wife was no longer in love with me. Difficult to take on the chin when you've never spoken a cross word at home and when you're the breadwinner in the house, but after a while I appreciated my wife's honesty in sharing it with me, even though it broke my heart because I loved her.
Here's the flip side, it took me another 3 years to fall out of love with her, but when I did there was no way back, so I understand your emotions and my wife's.
I'm curious, do you still sleep together and enjoy intimacy? If so then you still have feelings for him, if you don't then it's time to confront what your head is telling you.
I would suggest seeing a counsellor AFTER telling him!

Keep away from the other guy, sounds like bad news if he knows you're married

LegacyUser

darad wrote: »

OP everyone deserves to be happy, life is too short for it to be otherwise.

Why? Not when it comes as such a cost to young kids. This ideal of everyone deserving everythng they want is very new fangled and is followed by people who want an excuse to do what they want.. Op what about the promise you made to your husband? What about the committment you made to him when you had kids with him? Its not all about you - you have committments and you need to follow them through no matter what the personal cost to you. Thats what you got yourself into...

littlefish

seenitall wrote: »

A funny post by a true specimen of "monkey people".

If the bit of totty decides he wants to have a go, it is goodbye to the hubby - note, not any sooner than that!

Monkey people are those who never finish a relationship unless they have another one all lined up. Their best advice for this kind of situation is to cover all the bases well before making the jump from branch to branch - you certainly don't want to be left hanging mid-air. After all, regrettably, the abandoned OH may have some pride left and refuse to take you back if things fall through with the new "branch".

Its not like that at all although reading back it probably does look like that.

My feeling on it is that I am a married woman and when you're married you tend not to get much attention from others. My worry is that it is a false love a crush and the wanting of and lusting over forbidden fruit. Thats why I would never make the first move. I have never cheated on my hubby and to be honest I never would however if the guy said he was as into me I would have to spend time on my own for a good while to be sure of what I wanted.

The jumping from branch to branch does not appeal to me in the slightest.

Emme

OP, you are married with two children. Try to make it work with your husband and if the other guy is single there are plenty of single women out there looking for partners - surely they deserve to find someone, you already have somebody yourself.

Count your blessings, many women would love to be in your position as regards your lovely husband even though the passion mightn't be as strong now as at the start.

Emme

littlefish wrote: »

My feeling on it is that I am a married woman and when you're married you tend not to get much attention from others.

Try being single - you get even less attention!:mad:

LegacyUser

Thank you all. After careful consideration of everything everyone has to say I have come to the decision that i owe it to my husband to at least try and make things work out. I have been avoiding telling him how i feel for many years now and he has noticed. He has asked me on occasion "are we growing appart?" I was just to scared to admit it at the time. I know that this other man has very strong feelings for me, as i have for him, but i made the comitment to my husband and children ... not him. So for now i will take your advice and talk to him, even sujest counselling. I have asked the other man not to contact me until my husband and i have sorted out our own relationship first.

If it were to still fail then i would want to make it on my own with my children (independently) before even considering entering into another relationship. I could never cheat on my husband, my guilt wouldnt let me.

Thank you all very much for all of your advice, it has truly helped me .... and my family.

CDfm

A very brave thread OP. It may not work out but sometimes its about giving it your best shot.

LegacyUser

OP, you would want to give this a serious shot. You are talking about leaving him and have already decided the kids come with you?? What would he be left with to thank him for his years of loyalty and devotion??? A separation agreement and the bill for it????

You also owe it to him to be honest and when he asks you a direct question about the relationship then you answer it honestly...

That guy should never be contacting you again if you want to give this a real go...

Best of luck.

darad

fsfhljgf\hsdgfkjshdg wrote: »

Why? Not when it comes as such a cost to young kids. This ideal of everyone deserving everythng they want is very new fangled and is followed by people who want an excuse to do what they want.. Op what about the promise you made to your husband? What about the committment you made to him when you had kids with him? Its not all about you - you have committments and you need to follow them through no matter what the personal cost to you. Thats what you got yourself into...

Thats the old way of thinking, "you made your bed" etc etc?? I believe, in my opinion, that life is short and that everyone deserves happiness. If the children have two parents who adore them and put them first whilst still achieving a semblance of happiness themselves well then its a win win.

Good luck op and I hope things go well for you.

RodSteel

The "old" way is not necessarily the wrong way. Is the "new" way to give up on a relationship when something/someone "new" comes along?
Commitment and loyalty should not be considered the old way as it kind of says that it is dated/old fashioned.
I do believe also that children will suffer when a partnership/marriage splits no matter how amicably it happens.

darad

RodSteel wrote: »

The "old" way is not necessarily the wrong way. Is the "new" way to give up on a relationship when something/someone "new" comes along?
Commitment and loyalty should not be considered the old way as it kind of says that it is dated/old fashioned.
I do believe also that children will suffer when a partnership/marriage splits no matter how amicably it happens.

All very well but when youre out of love youre out of love, all the commitment and loyalty in the world wont make you happy on that count. Im not advocating that anyone give up on a marriage lightly or for someone "new" I truly believe that living the rest of your life in an unhappy union is not any way to live.

jimmycrackcorm

darad wrote: »

All very well but when youre out of love youre out of love, all the commitment and loyalty in the world wont make you happy on that count. Im not advocating that anyone give up on a marriage lightly or for someone "new" I truly believe that living the rest of your life in an unhappy union is not any way to live.

Why do you assume that when you are out of love that that's the end of it, that it is not fixable? Why also assume that not being in love makes for an unhappy union?

You're also assuming that the new relationship might work out when we all know that the lovey-dovey bit dies down after a period of time. In another few years the op would likely be facing the same situation in a relationship where the spark has died down - is it a case of repeating the same?

darad

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Why do you assume that when you are out of love that that's the end of it, that it is not fixable? Why also assume that not being in love makes for an unhappy union?

You're also assuming that the new relationship might work out when we all know that the lovey-dovey bit dies down after a period of time. In another few years the op would likely be facing the same situation in a relationship where the spark has died down - is it a case of repeating the same?

Actually Im not assuming anything, Im going by my own life experience and giving my opinion, which I thought was ok??

I have never ever in any of my posts mentioned anything about a new relationship and whether or not it will or wont work out

astra2000

darad wrote: »

Thats the old way of thinking, "you made your bed" etc etc?? I believe, in my opinion, that life is short and that everyone deserves happiness. If the children have two parents who adore them and put them first whilst still achieving a semblance of happiness themselves well then its a win win.

Good luck op and I hope things go well for you.

Well you know what I believe that when you enter into a marriage and decide to have children you owe it to everyone to honour your commitment. If you take children out of a previously happy family, where there was no serious issues going on between the parents of course they will be devestated. Life for them will never be the same. Obviously my opinions are different when it comes to an cabusive marriage or where the parents can not stand each other. You mentioned parents loving their kids and putting them first well chasing your own personal happiness at the expense of their previous happy family existance is not putting them first. We parents choose to have children so it is up to us to mind their happiness.
OP I wish you every luck and hope everything works out for you

darad

astra2000 wrote: »

Well you know what I believe that when you enter into a marriage and decide to have children you owe it to everyone to honour your commitment. If you take children out of a previously happy family, where there was no serious issues going on between the parents of course they will be devestated. Life for them will never be the same. Obviously my opinions are different when it comes to an cabusive marriage or where the parents can not stand each other. You mentioned parents loving their kids and putting them first well chasing your own personal happiness at the expense of their previous happy family existance is not putting them first. We parents choose to have children so it is up to us to mind their happiness.
OP I wish you every luck and hope everything works out for you

You've obviously never been in an unhappy marriage!

astra2000

darad wrote: »

Thats great, youve obviously never been in an unhappy marriage!

I am sure that if we didnt both work at it it wouldnt be a happy marriage.

CDfm

Yes and the OP has said she is giving it a shot and I am surprised that more people arent out there encouraging her.

I mean, like I would like to see the OP look at things that would improve her relationship with her husband and what type of resourses are there.

It does look like the OP and hubby havent worked on their marriage and let it slide -so that is not the OPs sole responsibility either. Hubby must want to work on it too. Maybe he is not attentive enough to her romantic needs.

luciusesox

Hi OP, a few thoughts from from the other side...

I'm going through one of the possible outcomes of your situation - I'm separating from my wife after 17 years as a result of an affair she had (and her refusal to admit she did anything wrong). I'm considered a nice guy, the breadwinner, do the shopping, and so on.

What I've noticed in my wife's behaviour had me shocked at first. On discovering the affair, she justified it by describing our relationship in derogatory terms. While we were in a rut, the relationship she described was not the one I recognised. Eventually I realised that in order to have her affair, she has to (in her own mind at least) reinvent our relationship as the cause.

It's not possible, in most cases, to be in love with two people, therefore is there the possibility that you have dampened down your feelings for your husband in order to justify (and let grow) your feelings for the other man?