Flashbacks of difficult moments

Not really sure why I'm posting this now but I suppose it's something that's affected me for a long, long time. At certain times I randomly get vivid flashbacks of embarrassing or difficult occasions in my life. I can give two examples:

4th class in primary, would have been June 1995. Our usual teacher was absent for the last month for some reason and was replaced with a substitute, she probably wasn't much older than 20-25. I was always very shy in school and didn't really participate much in questions (raising my hand and the like) but did my assignments and did them well. This teacher was regularly asking me to answer questions more often. I was also a fussy eater as a child and didn't eat lunch very often. She said to me "you have to eat something, look, you're so skinny" and squeezed my hip. I took serious offence to this and lost all respect for her at this stage.
Anyway, about a week or two later she told me again to answer something, at which point I snapped and told her to shut up (yes, bad bad move on my part). The aftermath has replayed in my head for the last 15 years, she literally screamed at me to go outside and I never take well to hostility of any form towards me. She also accused me of slamming the door in her face though it wasn't intentional, I think it was more to do with the shock of what happened. My parents actually called in the next day and gave her a few words as they put it down to the 'squeezing my hip' incident, to which she apparently apologised for. But I know I never stepped foot in her class again after that, it was the last week before the summer holidays anyway.

The other big one was in secondary school, the school timetable was changed to accommodate the mocks and I had forgotten about it so waited at the geography teacher's room (which was my usual class at the time). Someone told me my class were in the business room instead. So I went down, expecting to see my geography teacher in there but when I saw the business one I apologised and said "sorry, wrong class" When I walked out I just remembered the whole class laughing at me and at that point it clicked that I actually went into the right class. It's a very visual thought, I can remember what I saw more than what I heard. I sometimes even warp it, wishing I could have attacked those who laughed at me. I never engage in physical violence in real life but it seems to be a psychological way of dealing with these thoughts.

There are about two or three others too but none as rough as these. I just wish I could put these behind me and stop them getting me down so often. I mean, surely it's not right to be thinking about something that happened 15 years ago in a completely different setting and letting it affect me now? And to remember it as if it happened yesterday?

Nevyn

That is the downside of having a really good memory, the detial and recall is so good you land yourself right back into the emotions you were feeling at the time.

While rationally you have matured and aren't that person any more such flashbacks like that can make you feel all raw again. Personally I found that working through the emotions never worked but CBT was helpful in minimising the effect, how long it lasted for and helped me negate the mood or negative feelings left behind afterwards.

I found having key word to stop the headlong charge to the emotional place the memory provoked to be really helpful as it was easier to shake the flashback/recall off
when you haven't let it get to you emotionally.

minidazzler

OP, I have the same thing happen to me now and then, triggered by whatever, I get a memory and end up telling myself how much I hate myself for it, the way I get through it is I remind myself I am a different person now and such things don't happen anymore!

Distorted

Karsini wrote: »

I just wish I could put these behind me and stop them getting me down so often. I mean, surely it's not right to be thinking about something that happened 15 years ago in a completely different setting and letting it affect me now? And to remember it as if it happened yesterday?

It is a bit strange really. I mean most people go through minor incidents as kids that they find a bit embarrassing but forget about them as its all part of growing up/the learning process. For you they seem to have stuck in your mind, possibly because they don't fit in with your percieved view of how you fit into the world. Do you mind me asking you if anyone has ever suggested you might have Asperger's Syndrome? The first incident sounds like your teacher was trying her best to get you to interact in class and get the best out of the lesson and was concerned about your weight, and then was quite taken aback by your disproportionate response. It just seems like you existed in your own little world until these incidents and then you were forcibly dragged into the public world, as it were. I should also add that the first incident seems to have been blown out of all proportion, not least by your parents. The better lesson learned might have been to respect your teacher, understand their motives and not to resort to disproportionate reactions. That way, it might not still be sticking in your mind!

Distorted

Distorted wrote: »

Do you mind me asking you if anyone has ever suggested you might have Asperger's Syndrome? The first incident sounds like your teacher was trying her best to get you to interact in class and get the best out of the lesson and was concerned about your weight, and then was quite taken aback by your disproportionate response.

I believe I do and have thought so for a few years now, but I'm not officially diagnosed as such.

I have been seeing a therapist for the last few months but she doesn't follow that train of thought, she wants me to focus on what I can do rather than what I can't (is that even realistic though?). I hadn't brought this particular thing up with her but do intend to at my next session. Nonetheless, my social problems have been a stumbling block.

Nevyn

We do not attempt to make diagnoses of people on this site. Doing so will get you banned.

easynote

It is quite normal to remember embarrassing moments vividly and cringe as we think about them. Have you worked through what actually happened, why and how you felt at the time they happened? To me it seems you are still trying to figure out why you were reacting so strongly to these incidents and what was actually going on in your life and in your emotional life at that time. Were you bullied in school, and did you experience a lot of loneliness during those years?

easynote

Another thing to add to Distorted's post, I still "exist in my own little world" quite a lot, especially when I'm outdoors. Somebody I know could walk past me and I wouldn't even notice them as I'd be zoned out. Usually thinking of some piece of music I heard that day or the previous day, or reading signage to myself. Or, like today, panicking over something I'm worried about and blowing it totally out of proportion.

easynote wrote: »

It is quite normal to remember embarrassing moments vividly and cringe as we think about them. Have you worked through what actually happened, why and how you felt at the time they happened? To me it seems you are still trying to figure out why you were reacting so strongly to these incidents and what was actually going on in your life and in your emotional life at that time. Were you bullied in school, and did you experience a lot of loneliness during those years?

Yes on both counts. I was bullied all through school and skipped college out of fear that it would continue there. I also over-reacted to bullies, which is probably why they came back to me. There was a Tango advert doing the rounds in the early 90s where someone went round shouting "oranges" in peoples' ears. Some smart arses did it to me many times and I usually screamed or cried afterwards so it was a very visible reaction.

Re loneliness, I only had one friend in primary school and most of secondary school was spent with my siblings. Other than family I've been terribly lonely for years. I have difficulty trusting people and feel threatened by those I don't know, so I avoid contact where possible, usually by staying in.

easynote

You seem like a lovely person who sometimes daydream a lot... You had a very rough time in school and no-one in the staff seems to have done anything about it. Did you talk to your family about being bullied?

easynote

easynote wrote: »

You seem like a lovely person who sometimes daydream a lot... You had a very rough time in school and no-one in the staff seems to have done anything about it. Did you talk to your family about being bullied?

Thanks.

Yes my family were aware of it alright. I remember being told "you probably brought it on yourself." But later on, my parents went to my primary school principal who point blank refused to believe it, saying "that doesn't happen in my school."

easynote

Find out if you can take any legal action against your school- they were responsible. Talk to someone about your experiences of being bullied in school. There are many people out there that have been, maybe you can find some group. Don't let it affect the rest of your life.

I don't think my teachers knew much about it as it was rarely someone within the class who started on me, well not in the early days anyway. There was certainly something about me which attracted attention as I was in four different schools during my time (two in Dublin and two in Kerry) and had problems in all of them.

I really don't want it to affect the rest of my life. My brother got married last year and I was the only one in my immediate family who didn't bring someone along with me to the wedding, the others had their girlfriends and my sister brought a friend of hers. That was a bit hard for me to deal with. So I really don't want to be like this forever.

easynote

But if your parents reported it to the principal... Anyway, I am originally from a different country where during the last ten years there has been courtcases with previous pupils against schools were they have been bullied winning loads of money in damages. I never heard of that happening in Ireland.

You will be allright, I am sure, it will take a lot of time to works through all the feelings of abandonment, fear, prosecution, loneliness etc. that you may have experienced and are somehow still bottled up inside of you. Consider doing some alternative therapy- rosen method or just massage can help too, as many experiences stick inside the body too, not just the mind- and getting regular massages can release a lot of sadness, anger or anything that is there. Just be prepared to go home and sometimes cry your eyes out after a session. Also tell the massage-person about your experiences of being bullied. Is there any good alternative therapy centre close to where you live? Maybe it is expensive, but definately worth the money if you have it and you feel like it helps you. Since you are possibly traumatised by these events, or continual events for how many years(?) it might take some time. Also tell your GP about having been bullied for most of your school years and that you are just only now starting to deal with it- maybe they can offer you subsidies on massage-costs. Really, I am so glad you are starting to deal with this now, although it must be hard. I dont know why I care so much but I do. Something wrong has been done to you and even now, 15 years later it affects you. I am not talking about those specific events that you described but the fact that you were being bullied for such a long time and no-one in the school did anything even after your parents talked to the principal.:mad: I am angry, hope things are better in Irish schools nowadays.

easynote

Also, changing schools can be a cause of a pupil starting to get bullied, and then it becomes a vicious circle. Do NOT feel like there was something about you that brought all these bullies to target you, you may not have been bullied if you had been staying in the same school all the time. It is sometimes very random who bullies start picking on, but then it becomes a habit to start being scared of being bullied, which makes you a natural target for further bullying as it can easily be recognised that someone is not feeling very secure or self-confident. The way you described your reaction to someone scxreaming in your ear is just a normal reaction, and not something that was the reason for them targeting you. The incidents you described in your first post are just symptoms of you being completely fed up with being targeted and singled out as someone who deserves to be questioned.

I just took an 11km walk tonight trying to clear my head, while it worked for the time I was out, when I came back I was no better. Have other things upsetting me right now and I think it's all becoming too much for me.

julias_jewel

I am the same as you. When I was at school, I was extremely clumsy, id fall over myself or say something embarrasing and not realise til afterwards, and i never had the confidence to stick up for myself, all through primary and secondary school.

Im 24 now, but I still clealy remember those incidents like it was only yesterday... They will just fill my head for no reason and I will still cringe at the embarrasment. I dont think they will ever stop so I just go through the motions

Hopefully one day il overcome them

Chuchoter

If you're getting the same things I get (weird memories from when I was really young to quite recently, and I get quite upset and its kind of like its happening again). Really silly things that you're supposed to just get over, like they're generally tiny social mistakes and I can just remember them really clearly, and then I just flinch at the thought of them.

The trick to it really is to find something that keeps your brain occupied, anything at all, because I literally have to be thinking/doing something all the time or I'm miserable, you might just be that kind of person. I also have enormous problems around forming proper relationships, was bullied a lot through school, but this turned out to be down to a variety of things in early childhood I didn't even know about. You should probably try a few weeks of counselling, they might have tools to make you stop thinking about the incidents. Also try writing things down to get it out of your head.